Posts Tagged ‘doogie howser md’

I mentioned in a previous post how I had a girl turn me down for a YouTube Sensation. This is true. I had met her through friends of friends. She thought I was cool. She compared me to Bill Clinton. She said that neither of us were all that attractive, but she would still have sex with both of us. Both Smooth Willy and I were charming and captivating. We were alpha males who demanded respect. She saw this in us both. Instead she chose a boy with a video over me and a slutty president.

(“I love blow jobs.” – Bill Clinton, spokesperson for all men)

I never officially confessed my life for her. In a way, I’m glad I didn’t. It would have hurt more to be turned down for a marine who looked like Steve-O. This was a girl who sent me naked pictures on the Internet because “she wanted to know which ones looked best.” Yes, that’s exactly why. And you thought it was a shock that I believed you wanted more. I’m sorry for hugging you. I’m glad you lost your sunglasses in my car. I hope you know that the disposable camera I bought for when we hung out that one day at the beach never had the pictures developed. You hurt me so much that I threw the camera away. That felt good. Real good.

It took me a while to get over her. As you can tell, I’m still a little bitter. Mostly about myself. I know that I deserved better than that. Nobody should have to go to a diner at 3 in the morning to hear about a girl’s dreams she had last night that don’t involve you. She wanted to know my interpretation of the dream. Wow, really? Don’t you see that I’m in love with you? Of course I’m going to say that the dream means you shouldn’t get married. You stupid drug addict.

When I met this girl she already had her boyfriend. They had been dating for a few months. After knowing her for a month, she went to visit him and came back with an engagement ring. Oof! My heart sank. I still remember the day they got married. I was sitting at work wanting to kill myself or see something pop up on Yahoo about a massive plane crash into a wedding reception. I had my heart-broken, can you blame me for wanting massive amounts of innocent people to die? If you don’t understand, you’ve truly never thought that you were in love when you weren’t.

The last time I remember communicating with her was a comment on my Myspace page. It was a nice shot of me at a baseball game wearing a hat, sunglasses, a badass jacket from the Vietnam era (think Travis Bickle or Charlie from It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia), looking 30-40 pounds lighter than when she has last seen me in person. She said something along the lines of “When was this taken?” I know, she might have just been curious. I like to think that she said it with regret in her life decisions. I did once tell her that I did not plan on getting married until I was 30. She joked that she’d be divorced by then. So maybe there is a chance that I can marry her then break her heart too. I totally would. I’m vindictive and evil like that.

(This picture is like 5 years old. My posture is much straighter now and I am no longer in fear of being recognized by paparazzi)

(For your viewing pleasure, a more recent photo of me back when I played with the Montreal Canadians. I seemed to be slumped back not forward now)

What hurt most was who she chose over me. Quite frankly, I’m a pretty cool guy. I’ve had attractive girls ask me for my phone number (most were sales people), I’ve had European girls ask me for my autograph (they were kind of bullied into it), I’ve had complete strangers come up to me and ask to have their picture taken with me (they probably had never seen someone so odd-looking), I’ve made promises to myself and kept them (I always put the toilet seat down), the only thing I’ve ever become addicted to is self-improvement (the downside is I cry at every little mistake), and I’m overall the most wonderful person you could ever meet. I don’t know if I actually believe it or if I’ve tricked myself into thinking it’s true. One theory I have is that I’m a very convincing actor with no real personality. I become whatever character I need to be to please whoever happens to be around me. The real me is very mean and doesn’t like to go outside much. That wouldn’t be a very coveted role for a thespian which is why I try to hide how much I hate whoever I am talking to. Sometimes it’s harder than others.

I would like to do a little comparing and contrasting between myself and YouTube Sensation who is the reason behind my anguish. He was never a huge hit online. I wasn’t dumped for Chocolate Rain or Star Wars Kid. Even dumping me for the runner of a RANDOM FEMALE BLOG!!! would be nice. That wouldn’t bother me. I’m not sure what his actual video included, but I’m sure it was nothing that Weezer would ever include in a music video.

Onto the comparing and contrasting! Finally! I will list points as to why I am better than YouTube Sensation. Why the first girl I ever thought I was in love with made a mistake and why given the chance, I would throw a rock through her windshield. If Carrie Underwood can be a crazy bitch, so can I.

(When I grow up, I want to be rich and successful and still hate the men who hurt me)

Point 1:

YouTube Sensation looked like Steve-O from Jackass. I mean he was the spitting image. Jackass hasn’t been popular in years. How’s it feel to be married to that? Someone once told me that I looked like Neil Patrick Harris. I don’t. I couldn’t look further from it. That doesn’t matter though. One person thought I did. How I Met Your Mother does very well in the ratings. Neil Patrick Harris is the big get of the show too. NPH has been popular since the 90s while Steve-O had his 15 minutes of fame getting whacked in the testicles with a hippo jaw. I win this round.

Point 2:

YouTube Sensation had a lot of views on his videos. I have never had a YouTube video get more than about 20 views. That means I don’t need a video to clarify how brilliant I am. It also means I am better at sex.

Point 3:

YouTube Sensation had gained 15 pounds since she knew him. Since she met me, I lost 40 pounds, gained 20 back, lost another 30, then gained 20 back. I’m unpredictable! While he’s married to her continuing to have his weight go up, I’m over here zigzagging every which weight with the scale. Do you want to be in a marriage where you know the exact weight of your spouse a year before it happens? You’re insane if you do!

Point 4:

YouTube Sensation was a military man. I don’t know which branch. Probably the Navy because he’s so gay (I’m allowed to make fun of him, he was a road block to happiness). I have never joined the military and probably never would. That means less of a chance of me getting shot. Nobody wants their husband to get shot. Mark this one down for me.

Point 5:

YouTube Sensation was originally from Texas. Do you know who else is from Texas? George Bush! Both of them! I’m originally from New Jersey. Do you know who else is from New Jersey? Bruce Willis. It’s simple. Bruce Willis is greater than George Bush. George Bush can send in as many troops to kill terrorists. Bruce Willis only needs one pistol and an elevator shaft.

Point 6:

YouTube Sensation was stationed in Florida. She had to move to Florida to be with him. Moving is so annoying! She wouldn’t have had to do that with me. Also, the humidity is so annoying down there. I know New Jersey has a lot of bad things about it. Do you know what we don’t ever have? Deadly hurricanes! Enjoy your deck furniture flying away bitch.

I’ll stop at 6 points. The rest is all assumption on genitalia size. I don’t remember what nationality he was, but I do remember her telling me that he could only get her off with his tongue. That’s not a real man if you ask me. A real man can get a girl off with a simple wink. Come anywhere near me and I’ll be sure to give you several.

The way I was treated is comparable to how a girl treats a gay friend. She knew I wasn’t gay and that was the problem. If there was some sort of misunderstanding then by all means, you are forgiven. Setting me up with your fat friend because we were both fat doesn’t make things good. It makes things worse.

You got married when you were 22. Now you’re like what, 26? The current life expectancy of a female in the United States is around 77 years. 77 minutes 22 equals 55. That’s 55 years of being married to him. Well, assuming he doesn’t die first. The average life expectancy of a male in the United States is around 73 years old. So that’s 51 years of marriage. You’ve been married for about 4 years already. That means you have to do this about 12 more times over. And that doesn’t include advances in medicine that will most certainly take place. Chances are, you’ll live to be around 100 or so. 80 years of the same Steve-O crap. Enjoy. You will be married to him for the rest of your life! Possibly. You’ll be together when the Cubs finally win the World Series. You’ll be together when man first takes a step on Mars. You’ll be together when the first infant is elected president. Til death do you part! (imagine me saying that in a very spooky voice)

(Mean Mark Calloway doing his signature “What’s up?” gimmick based off the old beer commercials. He has a very spooky voice)

Here’s some advice to anyone who experienced anything similar to what I have. Move on. It’s the best thing you can do. I was turned down by a girl one time and a female friend said “Why are you so upset? It’s just pussy. There’s lot of it out there.” She was right. Unnecessarily vulgar, but right. There is always someone else out there. Even finding other mates who don’t quite work out can get you out of that rut. Just knowing that you’ve “still got it” is so valuable. I went about two years still wishing things were different. Then an 18-year-old girl asked me to buy her beer. She told me I had gorgeous eyes and suddenly everything faded away. No more fear, anger, or sorrow. I had found someone new. I bought her and her friends the beer and one of them kissed me on the cheek. Her name was Wendy and that reminded me of Peter Pan. Suddenly I was grossed out and didn’t want to be around girls for a while. I got over her. So can you.