Posts Tagged ‘dreams’

A blogger who has declined credit for this idea and for interviewing me asked me to do a quick interview with her. Of course I did it. What else was I going to do? You should read it here.

Here’s Mooselicker

Completely unrelated, but yesterday I woke up an hour earlier than I set my alarm for. I went online via my phone to see if I had any important emails or any love confessions. When I went to WordPress on my phone it said that my account had either been deactivated or suspended. I immediately jumped up. How could this happen to me? After almost 2 years I had never had a problem. I started thinking about all of these “Save Mooselicker” fantasies where the WordPress community all posts about how much they miss me. One of you takes it too far and flips over a cop car and kills a guy. I ended up going onto my computer and realized there was nothing suspended or deactivated. My phone was just trying to tell me setting my alarm for 10AM is entirely too late.

Thinking my blog could possibly be gone made me realize something important. It’s not that I’m too reliant on technology. My epiphany was that the Western World would probably collapse if not for me. It’s a remarkable undertaking and responsibility. The magic in this blog compares to none. So go back up to the top and read the interview I did. I love you all. Except you. You’re kind of weird.

What better day to post about dreams? Today is that big dreaming schemer Martin Luther King Jr.’s birthday. It seemed way too inappropriate not to post this today.

I like interpreting dreams because I like making stupid people think I’m really smart when I easily take one of their obvious insecurities and relate it to a dream. Yep, that’s how you do it. The carny trick has been revealed. Now that you know this is how it’s done and you know if you read this blog enough about me, I would like you to help interpret a dream I recently had.

The dream started off late into an adventure. I had for some reason signed up for a contest to win free train tickets for a year. I guess I would really sign up for this if it was a real contest though because train tickets are expensive. I think we could probably knock the price down a couple bucks if we didn’t have the ticket takers and conductors wear such fancy clothing with hats. At least get rid of the hats. Punching holes into tickets is not a job that requires a cap.

train-conductor-adult-costume

(Does she really need the hat to operate a train properly? As seductive as I’m sure she is, a train conductor is never something I have fantasized about)

The way the contest worked was basically like The Amazing Race. We had to take public transportation from place to place and using the electronic ticket machines buy very specified tickets. Somehow I managed to get to the final leg of the contest. Unfortunately though my opponent was Usain Bolt, Olympian and fastest man in the world. I never think about Usain Bolt. There is no reason why he should be in my dream. He even had on his stupid yellow track shirt. Did I see a Nike commercial recently? Is this guy the Jamaican Freddy Krueger?

While on the final train headed to the last ticket machine Mr. Bolt turned to me and said “Tim, I know these tickets will be much more valuable to you. I’m going to throw the challenge and let you win. I don’t even live locally. What am I going to do with those tickets?” Only he said it in more dream speak where he didn’t articulate himself well and I simply just knew what he was saying.

usain-bolt-2-600

(Usain Bolt, the fastest man alive, closest to man to ever run a mile while running picking his nose)

The train stopped and we ran off. He dragged his feet and let me get a huge head start. At the ticket machine we began to try buying our tickets. All I had to do was push all the right buttons then hop on the train and I would win. This is when trouble struck. I couldn’t figure it out. Buying these tickets mine as well have been trying to tie a woman’s tubes. Like I think I could figure out a way to accidentally tie the tubes, like literally tying them like shoelaces, but no matter what buttons I pushed on the machine nothing was working.

Mr. Bolt was doing his best to let me do what I had to do. I was sweating and kept screwing up. Finally the ticket began to print. I made a dash for the gate and when I put the ticket into the machine it said “Insufficient Funds” meaning I had done something incorrectly. The security guard standing nearby began laughing at me and hurling insults. His insults and observations about how much I sucked did nothing to help me. I was even more discombobulated than ever before now and it looked like I would never buy the ticket I needed.

It was around this time I woke up. The first thing I thought was how often I have dreams like this. I must at least once a month have a dream where I’m back in little league baseball. Whenever it comes my turn to go up to bat I wake up. Part of it is from nerves and another is from the stress I get of having all eyes on me, an entire team dependent on how I do. Still, I think there’s a lot more to it.

So I ask you, what do you think my dream means?

I’m not everything I want to be. I tried joining the marines last week. I heard they help you be all you can be. They stripped me down naked then told me to stay away, I was not military material. I think about all the potential I could have been in life if things were different. Here are some answers to those ifs. What I would do and such in these situations.

1. If I was tall I would look overtop the bathroom stalls to see if they were occupied. I would smile at whoever was taking a shit or too shy to use the urinal.

2. If I was short I would run underneath people’s legs like I was being chased. They would look back to see who was chasing me. While they are looking back I will push them over for being so much taller than I am.

3. If I was extremely wealthy I would contact the media and tell them I will be tossing money down from a tall building. People will show up and I will drop pianos instead. This will teach them that money does not buy happiness.

4. If I was in really good shape I would be really mean to everyone I met. When they tell me to stop I will ask them to feel my biceps.

5. If I found out I was the second coming of Jesus I would sell my poop on ebay and my farts to cults.

6. If I was black I would always say “Where the white women at?” whenever I enter a room. I actually do this already. People might not tell me to leave though if I was black.

7. If I was allergy free I would sniff flowers more often. Since I am not allergy free I will continue to stomp on every daisy I see whether in a garden or a flower boutique.

8. If I was a professional athlete I would sign a huge contract then say my hamstrings always hurt. Being a professional athlete takes too much work.

9. If I could eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight I would eat nothing but pizza and donuts. I would still count calories though. Mostly to brag to others how much I can eat without gaining weight. I might also eat Oreos too.

10. If I was gay I would tell women I wasn’t gay, have sex with them, and then tell them I am gay now. They will forever feel like they turned me gay. I would laugh about this with my gay friends then complain how we don’t have equal rights non-stop.

11. If my name was Lance I probably would be gay. I would do everything my being gay plan would entail, but this time my name would be Lance.

12. If I was living in Hawaii I would get a janitorial job. Sure, I have to clean up vomit and poop. It’s Hawaiian vomit and poop. Something about it sparkles.

13. If I had musical talent I would start a band. All of my friends would tell me how great I am even though none ever go to my shows.

14. If I won a Nobel Peace Prize I would kill a lot of people the day after. Not everyone though. Enough people need to remain alive to appreciate the irony.

15. If I lost my arm in a surfing accident I would challenge the Soul Surfer chick to a fight. I would be sure to save my missing arm and use it like a club. Her arm was made into shark poop. I wonder if she thinks about that. A shark pooped out her arm.

16. If I had my own talk show I would let everyone I know be guests. You will all have to show up for the first episode. I don’t see it lasting much longer than that with this plan.

17. If I had a really big nose I would ask everyone if they thought my nose was big. When they said “No” I would violently call them liars then push them over.

18. If I could ride any animal it would be a dinosaur. It doesn’t matter what type.

19. If I was incredibly fat I would never leave the house. After a while I will realize this is no way to live. I will then get a job as a house.

20. If I was homeless I would be an angry homeless person who tells offensive jokes. The police will lock me up in jail. At least then I wouldn’t be homeless anymore.

21. If I was more courageous I would join a yoga class and hit on the instructor. My pick-up line would be “Hey, I bet I can stretch you out somewhere else.”

22. If I’m not turned down by the yoga instructor then things will be really good. I don’t think I’ve ever met someone who does yoga let alone someone who makes up the moves on the fly like instructors do.

23. If I found out the meaning of life and I would die if I told anyone I would die anyway because I hate not being able to gossip.

24. If I could have any super power it would be to have the ability to reach into a magazine and pull out whatever is in the magazine. I will also have a lot of sexual harassment lawsuits against me.

25. If I ever get to be a father someday I want to be there for my children if they become successful and rich. Otherwise I’m going to blame the woman for giving too much of her DNA into the mix.

What are some of your ifs?