Posts Tagged ‘easter’

The following was originally sent to CollegeHumor, the funniest website in the world. They never swing and miss. This was never actually rejected by them. Instead they removed it from my submissions then never told me where it stood with them. So instead of using an original thought they collected creepy pictures of Easter Bunnies scaring children like everyone else does. I suppose college kids would enjoy that more than my simple list. When I finally do write-up my 25th Hour speech college kids are going to be near the top.

The Best Easter Egg Hiding Spots by Tim Boyle (left to rot in a mailbox by CollegeHumor)

Easter can be a tough holiday on some parents. Other than trying to convince their children about how the whole Jesus thing could even be possible, they have to find clever hiding places for Easter eggs to make the hunt all the more interesting. Here are some of the best places to hide Easter eggs. Surely they will provide a challenge for even the smartest (most Asian) of children.

1) In a cupboard too high for your child to look

2) Inside the Ark of the Covenant

ark of the covenant

3) Alongside Jimmy Hoffa’s body

4) Wherever Barack Obama’s promises went

5) The anus of a chicken

6) Anywhere on the lost continent of Atlantis

atlantis continent

7) In the vegetable drawer (kids hate vegetables)

8) Blockbuster

Blockbuster

9) On the Miami Marlins baseball squadron’s starting lineup

10) In a known child molester’s back pocket

11) In the DVD case for Battlefield Earth

12) Don’t hide any eggs at all and teach the child about never trusting anyone

13) With M. Night Shyamalan’s decision making skills

night_shyamalan_losthorizon

14) Anywhere on Oprah’s Channel that she rarely appears on which I hear is annoying, not that I watch it or anything

15) In a shark’s stomach

16) Outside, and when the child steps outside tell them to play rather than spend all their time on a computer and in front of a television so they don’t end up like me

17) Zooey Deschanel’s bangs

Zooey+Deschanel+Long+Hairstyles+Long+Straight+079LZaMCGFRl

18) In a dream within a dream within a dream (for Inception fans)

19) Among the massive pile of Live Strong bracelets at the city dump

20) Inside the garbage disposal

Where would you hide your Easter eggs this year?

I remember 8 years ago we were supposed to get a gigantic attack of cicadas. My science teacher told me so. There are few things from that class I remember. I remember being so fat that my fly couldn’t zip up. Another kid in the class would always warn me whenever he caught my barn door open. I think he thought I was cute. One time a girl in the class entered and said “Why’s it smell like a jizz swamp in here?” which made me fall instantly in and out of love with her for completely different reasons. My 5’1 Jewish teacher also told the class that his mother had back creams that he had to apply to her. Actually I’m lying. He never said back creams. I’m hoping they were only back creams but use your imagination, I’m sure it was much worse.

(Shouldn’t we use this ahead of time in “preparation” for tragedy? I’m just saying, whenever we use it things have already gotten too out of hand)

If you don’t know what a cicada is you’re human. I’m not quite sure either. They’re kind of like locusts only less Biblical. Apparently they come around every so often and climb on baby’s faces. Or they don’t. I’ve never heard of a cicada attack. You can hear them all summer long. They’re the things making those loud obnoxious summer noises. Some people like those noises. Some people also don’t think 9/11 happened. If 9/11 didn’t happen then where did I eat that soft pretzel in 1995? Trippy.

I only ever managed to see one cicada up close. I was picking up dog shit (too many of my stories involve that, I need a hobby) and there was a giant cicada chilling next to it. My dog at the time was following me around for some reason while I picked up after her. The cicada opened its wings and did an impression of the dinosaur from Jurassic Park who sprayed the tar on Newman from Seinfeld. I turned around and run away with my dog. I don’t know what happened to the cicada. I’m assuming it died. Probably in some rice field. I would hate to find out that cicadas outlive humans. They don’t do anything. They’re always so hyped and when they do come around they’re just loud and obnoxious. They’re the Axl Rose of bugs.

(Somehow I could imagine him hanging out on a pile of dog shit)

Other summer sounds “bug” me too. Get it, because a lot of this is about bugs–I don’t like crickets, grasshoppers, or any other little green things. Even peas annoy me. Four leaf clovers, sure, they’re the only green things that I enjoy. I will admit it’s kind of fun to see a cricket make its sounds. They rub their knees like a violin to do it. Or maybe that was from something Disney. I can’t remember. All I know is that the sounds bugs make are never soothing. They don’t help me get to sleep. Do you know what helps me get to sleep? The sound of a can of Black Flag emptying itself out on nature.

I’m sure you’re normal and enjoy summer. I don’t. Everything always feels sticky. I can’t lift my arm to signal that I would like another hamburger without having my arm pit skin rip itself away. Mugginess always makes me feel uncomfortable. And if you’re outside with a group of people you’re guaranteed for at least one of them to smell badly. I’m such a “snow bunny” (I can’t possibly think of a better term for myself at the moment) that you would think I’d do whatever I can do to stop global warming. But I’m only one man with little influence. It’s just easier to let the earth do what it wants.

 

My least favorite summer sound is laughter. I guess that’s my least favorite sound of all seasons. I hate people having a good time. Really, unless it’s ganging up on someone I can’t get behind laughter. I know I’m going to hear my neighbors do a lot of laughing this summer. I’m convinced it’s the hot air that gets to me easily during those middle months. I get why most serial murders take place then. Everyone goes out more and because more people are out more people get annoyed at the stupid actions of other people. I was at a Target recently and a woman was going to go down my aisle but she saw me “in the way” so she clicked her mouth in a pissed off way and cut through another aisle. I wanted to kill her and she wanted to kill me. It’s almost a crime if I don’t kill her now though. It’s kill or be killed. That’s a summer sound I can get behind. Her wails of pain.

Do you have any favorite seasonal sounds? I like the sound of snow plows. It lets me know that there’s no reason to go outside and that I’m not missing a thing.