Posts Tagged ‘end of the world’

From the skies birds drop dead. Fish in the oceans float to the top. Ice caps melt. Hillbillies purchase toothbrushes. Louie Anderson does a successful sit up. I change the channel away from the best of women’s Olympic volleyball. The world has come to an end. My first novel is now available in full.

(Your excitement level)

Yep, there were people out there who said I couldn’t do it. Friends. Family. The Nation of Islam. All of you. I spit on your grave. I have a completed book and what have you done with your life? I bet you can’t even lift a book. I’m stronger than you are. Better too. You won’t have me to push around anymore. I have as much credibility as that 50 Shades of Grey monster.

(She’s getting a little full of herself putting her own face on her next book)

Here is a link to purchase my book:

And here is another:

Did you miss it? I’ll give you a third:

You might be asking why the hell you should buy my book. Do you love your children? Didn’t think so. This book if you print it out is over 100 pages. That wastes paper. Paper coming from trees. Less trees means less oxygen. Your dumb kids will suffocate to death sooner rather than later. A perfect reason behind making this purchase. You can also smack them with the hardcopy. Children hate to be smacked. Especially by their parents. It causes them psychological damage. Boo-Hoo.

Thank you for all your continued support and readership with this blog. Without viewers like you (I feel like I should be offering you a $75 tote bag with Grover on it) I probably never would have put forth the agonizing manpower it took to complete this book. So in a way I guess you’re all coauthors. Even more of a reason to buy a copy! You will be on a best seller list. Of course we never signed any contract or anything so you will not receive financial compensation. If we ever meet in person I will be sure to give you a pat on the back. Unless you have a sweating problem. Then maybe you will have to settle for a wink in the distance.

And as a special gift (mostly to myself because I know more people will read it if they can get a free copy) I have included a code to access my book for free. I still would love a $2.99 donation. If you happen to pay full price let me know and you can decide what I spend the money on. It must be something practical like lunch or paying a Mexican coyote to smuggle me a slave into America.

All you have to do is sign up for the website at Smashwords, it’s very easy and free, then enter the code AG46L as the coupon to knock the price to nothing. I’m not sure exactly when it will be available on other sites as I did not think the Internet was so slow it would take three weeks for two websites to communicate.

As for why I chose August 9th, it just happened to be a month away from when I decided to do this gimmick. I got lucky a few strange things actually did occur on the day. Imagine how excited you would have been about this if I delivered you something you actually cared about. I am a true carny at heart.

Special thanks to Michael Cargill because without him I never would have heard of Smashwords. I will report back as soon as the book is available on other places like Barnes and Noble, Amazon, and so forth. Well, it is on Barnes and Noble but they thought the cover was so rad it didn’t deserve an actual summary.

P.S. As soon as I posted this it started to rain really hard and the lights flickered. Maybe I was onto something afterall…

All this end of the world talk I figured I should be a little clearer on things. No this is not a nervous breakdown. No I have not gone crazy. If anything I see things more truly than ever before. I have come to accept my fate. The fate that on August 9, 2012 the world will forever change. It’s cliché, but the end is nigh. Very nigh. So nigh you better return your library books. Late fees I hear can put you through hell after death.

Why August 9th? You’re probably asking yourself that. Probably also “Why have I stuck around long enough to see what will happen on August 9th? There better be some payoff!” There will be. Cataclysm. Destruction. The ushering in of a new era. Do not think of this as an ending, but rather as a new beginning. A chance to start over and allow yourself some happiness. Only the truly good will be saved on this day. In order to be saved you will need a few things. A kind heart. Willingness to take on something new. A credit card. Most of all you will need to embrace life and the new challenge that awaits you.

August 9th was a date given to me by an unknown source. I’m sorry, but I really am a little scared giving away my sources. We’ll call him Deep Throat as Deep Throat is the most notable unknown source in history. The Angel Deep Throat visited me one night. It wasn’t a literal angel like someone sent from God with wings and a sword. It was more an angel in theory. Like I felt the love an angel might give. This epiphany came to me and I began to research the date. I began to freak out. The signs all pointed that for sure this date would be the end.

Throughout history major events have happened on August 9th. Nagasaki had a nuclear bomb dropped on them. Charles Manson had his family murder a pregnant actress, the Folger’s Coffee heiress, and a few other dummies. Wayne Gretzky was traded. Wayne Gretzky! The greatest hockey player of all time was told to pack his bags and get the hell out of Canada. Chris Jericho debuted in the WWF to call out The Rock. This might not seem big to you, but it was huge in the wrestling world. It even made it onto the Wikipedia page for this date. The Wikipedia page of course being the main source for my prediction.

August 9th also happens to be the 222nd day of the year. The Satanical Bible is a lot like the regular Bible only with more swearing and several of the writers were overly sarcastic. As Christianity has The Father, The Son, and The Holy Spirit; The Satan Worshippers have The Grim Reaper, The Angel of Death, and The Devil. These three make up Hell. Since there are 3 of them each represents a third of evil. What is the number associated with evil? 666! 222 times 3, one for each member of Hell, gives you 666. The numbers are clearly there. Do not deny my math skills.

I hope you can understand more where my mind is and why I not only believe but know the world will come to an end on Thursday August 9th. I suggest you spend the day with your family. Unless you hate your family. Then spend it with someone you like more.

“And thus he arrived. Riding on his horse of fire. A whip torn from flesh in his left hand. Way was made to the diamond. Atop the throne he sat. Sure to let all those willing to see that he was here to stay. Past times no more the same. Life forever had changed. Satan had become king.”

The fifth and final stage of death is acceptance. Pundits will argue the final stage is splattering on the ground after being pushed off a building. This theory has been debunked as not everyone dies after being shoved off a building. I have been shoved off lots of things. Jungle gym equipment, chairs, my own pride, beds, an ant hill, and off the person doing the shoving. You may think I might try to stop this from happening so often. Getting shoved hurts. But what I have learned is that certain things in your life must be accepted. Having two open palms push me out-of-the-way is one of them.

(Don’t let the Minnesota licenses fool you. Soul Asylum are dicks. This song is actually about shoving me. They would sing it as they ran down the hallways trying to find me, somebody to shove)

Acceptance can be tough because in a way it’s giving up. At the same time accepting things also allows you to move on. The biggest thing I have had to accept in life is that I will never become a professional athlete. No matter what I do I have no chance at ever making millions of dollars playing sports. I pretty much set this to be all I would do with my life. I didn’t bother studying in school or showing others respect. I had an almost .700 batting average when I was 10 years old. I was a defensive and offensive monster during recess football. One time I even scored a goal during soccer while I was the goalie with an awesome punt. For me to bother with books was silly. Things didn’t work out though. I blame getting off the nasal spray I was on which contained steroids. They never made me stronger or anything, but knowing I had steroids ingesting themselves into my body gave me the confidence I needed. Now I live my sports dreams vicariously through creating myself into video games and raising my abilities as high as possible.

I have also come to accept that good things will never happen to me unless I go out for them. We all hear stories about how someone was masturbating in a Starbucks bathroom when they discover a lottery ticket on the toilet seat. They scratch it off and voilà they’ve got $50. I feel guilty going into businesses merely to pleasure myself in their bathrooms. This popular occurrence will never happen to me. If I want to be rich I need to stomp on other people’s dreams. It’s a hard thing to accept. I always try to be nice and help others. Get this, I actually offered to listen to somebody else’s problems the other day. How insane is that? I know if I really want a lot of money I will need to start telling these whiners to fuck off. Bill Gates didn’t get to where he is by playing therapist. He got there by scamming friends.

(Apparently this is Bill Gates’s daughter. She’s hot in the states where the age of consent laws are 16+. In the other states she’s only adorable and will one day make a man very lucky)

People’s perception of me is something which is hard to understand. Am I likeable? I don’t think so. I think I fall into the category where you have to roll your eyes and say “Oh you!” I’m like David Blaine in a way. Nobody really likes him, but you know if you stick around enough you may have front row seats to disaster. I am enough aware I am not the person I wanted to be. I had hoped I could be charismatic, charming, suave, calm, and larger than life. I wanted people to be drawn to me. Even the most brilliant people in life would sit down at my feet Indian style to listen to what I had to say. When I say Indian style I mean the ones with the tomahawks. I think you know that. Indian people from India don’t have enough room to sit. Their sitting style would be on top of 4 other people. I have to accept who I am. Continue to evolve into what it is I want to be, but accept for now I am good enough.

(Those dicks Soul Asylum also wrote a song about Indian trains. Runaway Train is about Indian people falling off the tops of trains. Look up the lyrics. It makes sense)

The hardest thing for anyone to accept is their surroundings. Anything we cannot directly control can be difficult to agree to. The way other people behave is a hard one. People actually dislike other people so much that they are willing to make sure that person no longer exists. This is called murdering someone. It sounds kind of ridiculous when you think about it. Most murders happen because the person cannot accept what it is the other person has done or is doing with their life. Someone might be affiliated with a different gang. Someone might decide they want to date someone else. Someone might even have things in their own life they cannot control which gets them murdered. Accepting others is difficult. It’s one of the few social issues they teach you in school. It’s also the main social issue you learn can ruin your own life because people are not nearly as accepting as they say they are. I know I’m not. Not that it’s their fault, but I wouldn’t mind seeing most people with different viewpoints from me die.

The one thing we must all accept is on August 9th, 2012 the world will come to an end. There is nothing any of us can do. What we need is someone to save us.

The third stage of death is bargaining. I’m not sure I could write an entire blog post dedicated to bargaining. I am pretty darn talented, but I find approximately 1,000 words about bargaining to be a tad dry. Since I titled this “bargaining chips” I have decided to write about snack foods like chips for instance. Hey, it was either that or writing about poker chips. Writing about poker means all I do is tell you the story how I fooled some friends into thinking I had no clue how to play and how I won $40 because of it. It’s pretty boring and I think the kid I ripped off is dead now. I really don’t feel like being haunted.

Potato Chips: These tasty treats are made from potatoes. From my understanding they are like French fries but flat. I haven’t had potato chips in a while. I might be slightly wrong. Several flavors of potato chips are made. Popular ones are ketchup, barbecue, pickle, salt and vinegar, and vinegar and salt for stubborn dyslexics. The best thing about potato chips is how salty and crunchy they are. I swear, you put salt on a tire and it would be delicious. I could probably eat an entire family sized pack anytime anywhere. I won’t though. I won’t even buy chips to keep in my home. I know all this will lead to is a 2 AM feast with a 5 AM crying session on the toilet trying to poop it all out.

(My favorite brand of potato chips, Nino. Made from real Spanish children)

French Fries: The more stick shaped version of the potato chip. Also a little softer. Think in terms that a potato chip is like an adult’s skull and a French fry is like a baby’s. French fries are more for people who enjoy a warm snack food. In my lifetime I have eaten a lot of French fries. I qualify things like potato wedges as French fries. They are close enough. For a while after 9/11 Americans called them Freedom Fries. At least in my middle school they did. My principal’s wife cheated on him and her name was Rene so I think this was more of a personal attack on her than it was pride for his country.

(In the yearbook our principal dedicated his letter to the students to “Le Whore.” There was a lot of swearing. He lives in a mental institution now. Women are cruel)

Cheese Doodles: The messiest food out there. Be warned, do not eat these if you have a cut on your hand. Your cut will not only hurt from the cheese particles that enter, you will also look like you gave a carrot an ungloved prostate exam. One year for Christmas the only thing I asked for was a giant container of cheese balls. These are cheese doodles in ball form. What’s great about them is you can roll them on your plate, down your tongue, then through your clogged small intestine from all the fattening foods you digest. I got that giant container. My pediatrician warned salty snacks were the reason before my excessive weight gain. He was Middle Easter so I think he was just jealous that our winter holiday involved great foods while his involved going on a hunger strike.

(He won’t be so happy on day 2 when he wants lunch and has to wait 5 more hours for it)

Mozzarella Sticks: I used to eat mozzarella sticks every other day for lunch. Not because I was limiting myself. I would just go through an entire box at once and my parents couldn’t get to the store every day to feed me. What makes a mozzarella stick great is the cheese inside. I like a somewhat hollow center. Then when the cheese hits your tongue it’s indescribable. I would describe it as tasty. So I guess the taste is describable. I am a liar.

(Lindsay Lohan is kind of like a mozzarella stick. Her blonde her is the overflowing cheese. Her fake overtanned skin is like the crispy outside. Both are also hollow inside. At least mozzarella sticks have souls)

Pretzels: I always felt bad for pretzels. Nobody who has tasted other chips would pick pretzels first. They’re a healthier alternative as they are much lower in fat. I like pretzels and it’s not just a pity thing either. My favorites are this one kind I cannot identify other than by their packaging. This is a problem when shopping in a new place and trying to ask for help. Of course the best part about pretzels is getting to the end. You’ve got an entire bag filled with little salt crystals. Pour it down your mouth. Snort it up your nose. It’s good to get salt in your nose. It helps your sinuses. Pretzels have actually helped me with headaches before. Or maybe I’m a fat drama queen.

(I never thought about it before but maybe I can save calories by snorting the salt straight up my nose. This man is a genius)

Blue Chips: Butthead from Beavis and Butthead summed up those blue chip things the best. “They better not have any of those lame blue chips. Those suck.” I agree Butthead. I think these have lost their luster a bit. I blame Oprah for making them popular. Are they really any better than regular nachos for your body? I doubt it. People who eat blue chips are never in great shape. They’re always women who for some reason you never see eat yet they always maintain a consistent weight. Don’t waste your time with blue chips. Live a little and get a thing of greasy Pringles.

(Not exactly sure what this has to do with snack foods. I’m mostly shocked more people aren’t talking about this cinematic masterpiece)

Crackers: I consider crackers to be very hit and miss. Some are incredibly boring. Others make you want to sell your soul for more. I don’t like plain crackers. Especially not the ones I associate with barfing. Crackers were my go-to food whenever I had a tummy ache. I would eat crackers and drink Ginger Ale. Speaking of which, I really want to go up to a redhead and say “My stomach hurts, I think I need to eat some Ginger” and see if she finds my vulgar advances charming. Probably not. The only thing redheaded girls ever find charming is someone who does not gasp at their David Caruso vagina hairs.

(“Looks like my curtain matches your drapes” is what David Caruso says when disrobing a fellow redhead. Then The Who plays and they have gross Ginger on Ginger sex)

If we determined anything today it is that I am addicted to salt. Looks like my last meal before the end of the world is going to be a spoonful of pure iodine. No wonder I am always incredibly bloated.

Since the Doomsday Clock refuses to cooperate with mankind and the world will most certainly end on August 9, 2012; I have decided to prepare you for the end. With my help, over the next week or so I will guide you through the 5 Stages of Death.

This was another installment of poorly constructed Microsoft Paint pictures.

Incase you had forgotten or thought I was only joking, here is a poorly done Microsoft Paint job which will serve you as a friendly reminder to our impending doom.

In exactly one month, August 9th, 2012 the world will come to an end. Sorry for the short notice.

More on this to follow.

One day the world will end. No matter what you believe in this is fact. Something 6,000 years old, like earth, cannot possibly last too much longer. Armageddon is nearing. A homeless guy with a sign told me so. He believes that the end is nigh so badly that he was willing to take the door off his home and write about it in his own feces to warn others. Of course the door to his home is a cardboard sign. I think it used to be a Cap’n Crunch box. What he couldn’t tell me was how everything would come to an end. That’s my mission today. To scare paranoid people.

The most obvious way the world will end is like that movie The Happening. Flowers and trees will convince people to commit suicide. I don’t get how a patch of grass could ever control somebody’s survival instincts. What a bad movie. M. Night shouldn’t be allowed to make movies without ghosts. And Bruce Willis has to get shot by a naked guy in the bathroom in the opening scene to all of these. It’s the perfect formula to a memorable movie.

(From the film The Sixth Sense when Patrick Swayze suffocates himself with the palm of his own hand)

Actually, I think the most plausible way for the world to end would be a meteor. It happened before. Millions of years ago. It crashed into the Yucatan Peninsula which is located right next to Mexico. Darn! Poor meteor travels all this way to take out Mexico and it just misses. We’re probably due for a meteor to crash into us. Occasionally they do smash into earth and cause inconvenience. I know there was a bad one in Russia around 100 years ago. It burned down a forest. So a meteor’s impact is about as powerful as a man chucking a cigarette out the window into a pile of leaves. When did the power of a meteor decline so badly? You used to kill dinosaurs and The Flinstones. Get your act together meteorites! You’re an embarrassment to all things catastrophic.

Floods, fires, diseases, and volcanic eruptions are the boring ways for us all to die. Floods sound too thirst quenching. Fires can be prevented by stop, dropping, and rolling. Catching a deadly disease means you need to stop shaking so many hands. And the only volcanic eruption we need to worry about is the one in Yosemite. Supposedly that entire National Park is something called a super volcano. Don’t let the word super fool you. Usually super means good. Like Superman or Super Fresh. A super volcano does not rescue orphans or offer great weekly deals. It explodes then causes a chain reaction of other calamities. My knowledge of Yosemite may or may not come from the movie 2012. Best part of that movie, nothing bad happened to Africa. That’s where they say that they were going to head off to. I’m sure those Warlords will be thrilled to see John Cusack show up with the wealthiest white people in the world.

(The African Welcoming Committee, headed by Joseph Francis Kony)

More recently it has been thought that computers may kill us all. If anything the computers will make us all sterile. We’re more likely to have a Children of Men on our hands than a Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines. Can’t we always defeat them by throwing water or coffee onto the robots? I can’t even sweat onto a keyboard without it giving me problems. Some believe that it will not necessarily be big giant cyborgs attacking us. The more likely scenario would be that every electronic device breaks. We’ll be scrambling around to find solar-powered toasters. Probably start eating each other out of our lack of crispy morning treats. Pillsbury will be out of business. I guess we won’t care too much. The only way they’d be able to advertise at that point is via billboard. We’ll all be too busy unwrapping television cords from around our children’s necks to take notice of the latest marketing scheme.

There are more science fiction-type ways for the world to come to a conclusion. Things like alien invasions or nuclear holocausts. It would be kind of funny if we use our nukes to kill the aliens but it kills us all at the same time. Funny probably isn‘t the correct word but I‘m running out of steam here. The likely hood of aliens invading seems to me like it would have already happened by now. Aliens never procrastinate. A nuclear holocaust is very likely. I would place a bet that this is how the world will eventually come to an end. Is it wrong to gamble on the extinction of the human race? I’m over 21 so it’s probably legal.

(Say what you want, this is a gorgeous way for us to all die)

How do you hope the world ends? I’d mark out for a zombie uprising. The way you kill zombies always tips everyone off on how creative of a person you are.

I’m a big believer in the Mayans. Not their prophecies or anything. Just that they once existed. The verdict is still out on the existence of Spanish people from Spain. I’m starting to think that Spain is a fictional place that Puerto Ricans and Colombians claim to be their original motherland. It’s like their Narnia.

(Doesn’t exist)

In case you’re never watched the History Channel, the Discovery Channel, or talk to a drunk guy at 2 in the morning, the Mayans “predict” that the world will end on December 21, 2012. Funny thing is, I was into this Mayan craze years ago. Back then, Doomsday was December 12, 2012. I don’t blame the Mayans for not quite being sure about which day the world would end. They didn’t have pens or scrap paper to do their math on. I’ll give them a 9 day margin of error.

A few other contributions that Mayans have given to our modern society other than fear are the movie Apocalypto, the movie 2012, and half-assed pyramids with steps. Okay, as much as I’ve read about the Mayans I still don’t know very much. I know they disappeared without a trace. Modern day Mexicans are partly descendents of them. That’s about it. Everything else is from Ancient Aliens and is a bunch of nonsense about how they could possibly have been aliens themselves. Wouldn’t that be ironic if that was true? The Mexicans that sneak across the border would be double aliens. Does that cancel themselves out? I think so. If you’re an alien who comes to this planet and you manage to cross the border to another country, you deserve to stay. Nowhere near me of course.

I don’t really have much of a plan for the 2012 disaster. Well, who says it’s going to be a disaster? All we know is that their calendars end on that day. My calendar ends on December 31, 2011. That’s when I believed the world was going to end all year-long. Then I got a new one and that one ends on December 31, 2012. I don’t know who to believe. The Mayans or the cute Labrador Retriever on the month of December of my new calendar.

(Even Jewish people have to admit this is adorable)

The Mayans aren’t the first people to claim that the world would end. Not even close. People have been doing that for centuries. Like that douche bag Nostradamus. Did you know that he never predicted a single thing? He lost his entire fortune gambling he was so bad at predicting the outcome of football games. On his wedding day, he predicted that his marriage would last forever. The man was married 9 more times before dying, which he predicted he never would do. He made bets with friends while watching Romantic Comedies. He’d say “Julia Roberts won’t end up with the guy” and then he’d lose. He’d have to dress up like a French maid for a week and clean his buddy’s apartment. I almost bought a Nostradamus book for a dollar. Then I remembered he was nothing more than a poet who wrote about his own era. He said things about how a harsh leader would rise up and take control at the end of times. What leaders aren’t harsh? It’s happening all the time. Nostradamus wasn’t some oracle. He was a rhyming Frenchman. Can we really trust a guy from the same country that made Jerry Lewis’s career?

(Screw saying something interesting or poignant, a funny face is all you need to be a legend)

I have my own prediction for 12/21/2012. It will be a Friday. How do I know this? I looked it up on the Internet. Something the Mayans didn’t have. Are we really going to believe that a group of people who didn’t have the Internet know when the world is going to end? Sir Isaac Newton said that the world cannot end before 2050. It’s mathematically impossible. I don’t know how he figured that out. Most of his science involved being smacked in the head with fruits. I know he never had the Internet either, much like the Mayans. One thing Newton had over them was pants. Always trust a man with pants over a nation without them.

Really there’s no reason to be afraid. I’ve watched television programs, movies, read books, and used logic to determine that the Mayans predicted a date of the end of the world is no different from you doing it. This is all fear mongering and it will never stop. New Mayans will come along. New groups of people who supposedly claim to know when we will all die. They won’t say how or even what will happen. They’ll give us a date. That’s all. Then as a whole we’ll all have to hold our collective breaths hoping that they were wrong. I don’t know about you, but I’m not ready to die in a catastrophic event. Maybe a car crash or a runaway anvil, but not a mega-volcano.

Now to end with the most appropriate song by R.E.M. It’s a song about the end of the world. Enjoy!