Posts Tagged ‘facebook’

In the mid-2000s MySpace was the most popular place to hangout. The social networking website turned what could have been fully functioning social adults into mindless drones afraid to leave their house on the weekend. I am one of those drones and I miss the good old days of MySpace. Facebook never quite lived up to the wonders MySpace provided me in life. Twitter is too simple and pointless while Tumblr needs that missing vowel to earn my respect. The days of MySpace are over and there are five specific things I miss about it most compared to the website I feel killed it off, Facebook.

tom myspace

(Please tell me I’m not the only one who thought that MySpace Tom was giving a thumb up only to later realize it was an illusion from the shadows)

1) The ability to meet new people

Facebook’s privacy settings are so strong that I originally made my account to help a friend stalk his ex-girlfriend to see what she was up to. MySpace was not like this, at least not at first. Of course after a while the privacy settings went up after people were concerned their bosses would find out that they were avid drug users. Because of this, Facebook makes it nearly impossible to make new friends without seeming like a creep. My MySpace profile was so ingenious that I would have random people adding me on an almost daily basis. They got to see my creative side and were legitimate fans of my nonsense. Facebook is now more of a site for adding people you already met in person. I never meet people in person and when I do I never remember their names anyway so we kind of go our separate ways after a night of fun. Facebook makes real-life relationships more like one-night stands whereas MySpace opened it up to the possibility of friends with benefits, a continuous relationship.

2) The ability showcase your talents

Facebook does not having a blogging system in place, one of my favorite MySpace features that people seemed to sometimes care about. MySpace gave me so many chances to be silly and unlike a Facebook status, they didn’t disappear into oblivion after a few days. My favorite thing about MySpace was filling out surveys with ridiculous answers then enjoying the praise I got after. Facebook does have the “notes” option, something that few people use and even fewer ever read. Bands were easily able to put up songs while the rest of us were able to put up music we liked, showcasing how great our taste in music was. Comedians too were able to upload the dates they would be performing. Things were so simple and MySpace acted as a website for many talented people to show off. It’s like that again with the new structure, but nobody uses MySpace outside of a couple of people who are so far behind they still haven’t heard that the Mayans were wrong about their 2012 apocalypse prediction.

3) Less personality on Facebook

I’m not the world’s most attractive person. Granted I could probably bribe my way into winning an office pool for “best-looking” and it not surprise too many people. My personality is what has always gotten me by in life and Facebook makes it shallower, where I am judged more on my face than anything else. I hate being judged by my face. I have to dehydrate myself just to get cheekbones. At any given time I have at least two rashes that if left to grow form a Pangaea by the end of the week. I loved on MySpace when I could find out the ugly girl in math class had a great sense of humor or that the guy all of the girls fawned over couldn’t put together a complete sentence if his life depended on it. Facebook is boring and without the ability to meet new and interesting people, it’s just a rehash of all of the boring people I know in real life.

4) Less danger on Facebook

As much as some overprotective parents assumed MySpace was filled with perverts, pimps, and prostitutes, the truth is the majority of users were like you and me. MySpace always did have a slight sense of danger around it, but so does driving a car. I think we have all met at least one person in real life that we had originally started talking to through MySpace. Sometimes these people actually led to real relationships, some lasting much longer than others. I miss the sense of danger MySpace gave me. Facebook is so safe that whenever I add a girl I don’t know she can immediately delete me before asking who I am. The Internet used to be the Wild West and now it’s more like the Wild Wild West film starring Will Smith, incredibly disappointing.

5) Celebrity encounters, real and fake

Very few celebrities actually use Facebook under true profiles. Why bother? There is a friend limit and does Miranda Cosgrove really need the self-confidence that comes whenever someone likes her status? She had a show about having a show. The girl has self-esteem shooting out all over the place. On MySpace I would add celebrities all of the time, mostly stand-up comedians because they were the most accessible and relatable. Many of them would actually send me messages, one telling me to stop posting so many bulletins. The best was whenever they would respond unsolicited. I had one comedian actually read a bulletin I posted about making my stand-up comedy debut and he actually wished me luck. In addition to the real profiles, I liked the fake ones too. Seeing fake profiles that made celebrities look like morons, jerks, or anything else satirical was something that always made me laugh. Facebook is pretty strict about using your real name and most fake profiles are deleted. Of course with Twitter you can still follow celebrities, but for me it’s not the same. MySpace was so much better.

While I was minding my own business and getting involved in other people’s I shouldn’t have, I received a Facebook message I was not expecting. Unlike most random Facebook messages it didn’t go to my “Other” folder which is filled with pretty girls confessing their love for me. Unfortunately many of them committed suicide before we could begin a romance. Several of them even blamed me for their decision to end their own lives. There are also a bunch of invitations to events I had no interest in attending so not everything is really sad there.

The message I got went something like this:

Hi Tim! I found your fb page through a friend’s list.
I’m currently recruiting people who want to go to Israel next summer for free! The trip is sponsored by The Jewish Federation of Philadelphia and it’s similar to Birthright except it’s longer and while there, you would take classes at Yeshiva/seminary, which is very interesting! In order to qualify, you must be Jewish and between the ages of 18 and 29. I got back from the trip a couple weeks ago and speaking from personal experience, it’s definitely the trip of a lifetime If you qualify and it’s something you might be interested in, feel free to message me back and I’ll be glad to send you more info. I hope to hear from you soon!
P.S. I know this may seem like a scam but I promise it’s not! If you would like to meet in person to discuss the trip, I would be more than willing to.

I can’t just ignore this kind of bullshit. This is the worst type of marketing I have ever seen. There was no attempt to possibly establish if I was even qualified for such a, what sounds like, terribly awful moment of my life. On my list of places I would like to go to Israel is probably near the bottom next to Afghanistan and work on Mondays.

As soon as I read it I wanted to give several smart ass responses. I was furious. It’s like when people in Times Square try to sell me rap CDs. I don’t listen to rap. In fact, I don’t even listen to my own thoughts thanks to my new prescription antidepressants I am currently abusing (with alcohol).

I took the high-road though and responded with:

I’m Chinese so I don’t qualify

Clearly I am not Chinese. I am as far from Chinese as a person can get; unless you ask a Japanese person because they insist they are the opposite of Chinese. I don’t think they are. I think they are like blueberries and raspberries. They are very similar. It’s like the Irish and English would be more like apples and bananas. I pair apples and bananas together because both allow the eater to have something to throw out the car window if they so choose. In my humble opinion, you should always choose.

Then she responds with:

So that means you’re not Jewish?

Something was not getting through. I’m not even sure why there was such an eagerness to put me in harm’s way. Isn’t there a current mass of suicide bombings in the Middle East right now? I swear I saw it trending online. Or maybe it was the Midwest. I always forget which one of those places is backwards and puts too much blind faith in a god.

Then I said:

Yes

And she cuntilly (is it one L or two?) added:

Ok, thanks for responding anyway.

To sum it up, please avoid sending me silly messages like this without doing a little bit of research first. She is very lucky I didn’t say something mean to hurt her feelings. I still would like to know what she thinks a Chinese person looks like if I’m passable.

Facebook has this feature called “People You May Know” where people we know and have no intention on saving from a fire pop up in the corner with their shit-eating grins along with how many mutual friends we have with them. Someone I really don’t like came up on my screen recently. I thought I’d tell you why his personality sucks and why his profile picture proved to me and anyone who sees it how he should be dismembered.

The dickhole was a real dickhole to me in school. He would often tease me for being fat even though he was fat. This actually doesn’t narrow down which bully this was as I had more than one fat bully who made fun of my weight. What happened to brotherhood or going halves on a pizza pie?

fat girls(They are getting way too much pleasure out of giving themselves diabetes)

While I suffered no serious traumatic events from his sweaty chocolate stained hands, I still do resent the fact he was allowed to live while good people like Hitler had to blow their brains out in a shelter. Sorry to say Hitler was a better person than this douche, but in my life that is the case.

Onto the three problems with his profile picture:

Problem 1 – Shirtless

The guy was shirtless in his profile picture. Since he is still fat, we could only see his shoulders. He probably does a lot of military presses and likes how they look. We can’t see the rest of him though because you know, fat. He knows he’s fat. That’s why he made fun of me for being fat. Why take a shirtless pic and only show your top fraction? This isn’t a Girls Gone Wild commercial where you have to hide the nipple.

Problem 2 – Backwards Hat

The only time a hat should be on backwards is if you get punched in the face or you are so shocked it causes it to spin that way. And in the first instance, you should be punched again for wearing a backwards hat. Wearing your hat backwards defeats the purposes of a hat, right? A hat is not meant to make you look like a cool guy. Flashing money and driving loud cars is what makes you cool. Turn your hat around the proper way or remove it. I hope he’s balding.

Problem 3 – It was a selfie

And to top it all off, he took the picture himself. The phone is visible and it was flashed off from a mirror…

This guy is the same species as me! He has a degree from the same high school. He was given the same education. His resume is similar to mine. Luckily I think I saw another picture of his of him standing near a quarry working so he will probably die on the job when a faulty machine drops a heavy stone on him. Hopefully he doesn’t just end up paralyzed because he’d probably get a huge settlement. Or if he does end up paralyzed I hope it’s a miserable life full of erectile dysfunction.

Okay if this seems cruel keep in mind he was mean to me. Also consider he has a non-ironic picture of him shirtless with a backwards hat standing in front of a mirror. Fuck people like that.

justin bieber(See the kind of people who do this? Wait this isn’t a selfie)

justin bieber2(Okay so Justin Bieber has no selfies of him shirtless with a backwards had. All other combinations do exist though. Ergo, the guy I know is a bigger douche than Justin Bieber)

The following is something I failed to get published on several websites and is inspired by a Facebook status I made that got like 14 likes a few months ago. Who cares? I’m going to be on the radio, right?

Cuba-Gooding-Jr.-stars-as-James-Robert-Kennedy-in-Radio-0

A Brief History of Humor

Humor is subjective and ever changing. What I’m wondering is, has the general population been getting funnier or lamer? You be the judge. Here are examples of conversations one person might say to another person whom they find funny over the history of life.

10,000 BC: “Man you’re so funny. You should totally remember those grunting noises you made and use them again because they brought me such humorous joy. I bet you can even have those grunts mean actual words one day if you put your mind to it.”

5,000 BC: “Man you’re so funny. You should totally get into hieroglyphic writing. I bet you can make a joke that will last forever and in thousands of years might mean something completely different yet still remain relevant and intrigue the human mind.”

1,000 BC: “Man you’re so funny. You should totally buy a chisel and write out your jokes on stone tablets. I bet you can make them last for centuries and if the joke is good enough it may teach something to future generations about our culture in today’s world.”

1: “Man you’re so funny. You should totally write that down on some scripture. I bet you can even convince a few people to believe these jokes are their dogma.”

1200: “Man you’re so funny. You should totally explore the entire world and tell these jokes to everyone you meet along the away. I bet you can connect our planet and make the human race closer than ever before.”

1450: “Man you’re so funny. You should totally get one of them printing press things and make copies of your jokes and distribute them out. I bet you can inspire other people to think and come up with jokes of their own.

1600: “Man you’re so funny. You should totally become a bard and write plays about intriguing characters that will not only make people laugh but also make them think. I bet you could be the next William Shakespeare.”

1776: “Man you’re so funny. You should totally get out from under English rule to have the freedom to tell whatever jokes you want. I bet you can even create a nation where freedom of speech exists and we live alongside each other passively while we continue to expand as humans until eventually the rest of the world sees that democracy is the most important thing a leader can offer its people.”

1920: “Man you’re so funny. You should totally get involved in filmmaking. I bet you could make a really funny feature length film that provides a lot of entertainment for everyone who is too stupid to realize this whole prohibition thing is a joke.”

1938: “Man you’re so funny. You should totally put that on a radio program. I bet you could become famous from it if enough people are naïve enough to believe aliens really did land on earth. It could make your career!”

1960: “Man you’re so funny. You should totally move to Hollywood and pursue your dream at becoming a screenwriter for films and television. I bet if you put in the hard work and believe in yourself you can achieve so much and change the way media works.”

1980: “Man you’re so funny. You should totally try standup comedy. I bet you could get a national tour going. Who knows, maybe you’ll even get your own sitcom if enough people ever appreciate you.”

2000: “Man you’re so funny. You should totally do one of those new blog things. I bet you can even write a book one day, you know, maybe if you feel like it. What do I care? It’s not me.”

2008: “Man you’re so funny. You should totally make a Twitter account. I bet you can even get a bunch of followers one day. And I swear even when I make passive aggressive comments to you about how much funnier I am than you I’m still happy you have a bunch of strangers who read your daily thoughts.”

2010: “Man you fall down a lot. You should totally videotape everything you do. I bet you can get the video to go viral. You may even end up on a television show where all they do is talk about YouTube videos for a half hour with snide one-liners. Your dead parents would be so proud.”

2013: “Man you’re so funny. You should totally make one of those stupid pictures with the white text that points out a quick quip about society, social issues, or celebrities. They’re called memes, right? I know it sounds ridiculous, but I love not having to think very hard or work at anything else. You should do it man it’s really easy work and it most likely will not be relevant in a week. I bet you can even get someone to like it on Facebook one day.”

The point, don’t grab life by the balls. Grab life by the balls, bell-end, full scrotum, and a little bit of taint. If you settle on anything, you’re never going to reach your full potential.

What makes a good Facebook friend? If I could ask God one question it would probably be that. I mean, why overwhelm the guy? He might even be like, “Oh shit Tim. Me damn that’s a good question.” Rather than answer this near impossible question, I’m going to tell you a little bit about my favorite and least favorite Facebook friends.

Least Favorite:

Guy who likes all of his statuses, pictures, and was Catfished into a relationship. I first saw he was in a relationship with a bombshell I opened my window, stuck my head outside, and judged whether or not it was high enough for me to die if I jumped out. Then logic sent in and I knew he was probably just having a prank pulled on him by some lonely person. I’m also not a fan of the guy in general because during the first week of sixth great he threatened to beat me up. Why am I Facebook friends with him? The same reason I look at pictures of plane crashes on Google images, to cheer myself up.

Favorite:

Former Major League Baseball pitcher and the last one to win over 30 games in a season, Denny Mclain. This guy is a nut. He’s been to prison a bunch of times for white collar crimes like being better at winning money while betting on sports than you could ever dream. What’s great about him on Facebook is instead of replying to people who post on his Wall he will update his status with things like “Thank you” then sign his name. He must do this 8 times a day. Trust me. It’s a lot more fun than I make it sound.

denny_mc_lain

(Denny Mclain displaying the horrors of metabolism with age)

Least Favorite:

The latest girl to delete me as a friend. I’m not sure why she deleted me. I’m not sure why she even stopped talking to me. We got along great. I touched her elbow and she said she liked it. We were texting and she went with a friend to get frozen yogurt with the promise she would text me after. No text was sent until a few days later when I asked how she was. Then she pretty much disappeared, moved to another country, and deleted me from Facebook. Can you believe this isn’t the first time a girl I liked moved to another country within three months after meeting her? My fuckin’ life.

Favorite:

No one compares to The Unbreakable Michael Elgin. Michael Elgin is an independent wrestler from Canada whose status updates filled with typos and references to how much weight he can lift always lift my spirits. The best storyline he ever had going on his Facebook was when he was getting his mother, Mama Elgin, to do squats with him. Did you know she was asked to be in the movie Over the Top and had to decline because she was preggers with The Unbreakable Michael Elgin? Bet you didn’t!

michael elgin

(He’s unbreakable until it comes to a game of Scrabble. Then he completely collapses)

Least Favorite:

The least funny person I am Facebook friends with is someone I have never met. It’s a male who for some reason added a bunch of comedians a few years back, probably to fill his own unfunny hole. He’s a swell guy, but his jokes are terrible. I think he wanted to be a stand-up comedian and realized he couldn’t because he has the comedic timing of Flight 93. I know I used that joke somewhere else before. It’s just so specific I had to use it again. Once I commented on a status of his and he seemed really snoody. I only remain friends with him as a reminder that there are things more upsetting than funerals.

Favorite:

I got my least favorite comedian out of the way so let’s get to my favorite. Few people can say they’ve dined with their favorite comedians without having to pay money to a charity auction. I’m one of these people. I am Facebook friends with none other than comedian Alan Schwartz. You may remember him from his 1980s comedy special “Parakeets Galore.” I asked Mr. Schwartz where he came up with the title to this legendary comedy album.

“Parakeets Galore is something the rambling lunatic you saw at that one open mic once said in his set. He was talking about a pet store or something like that, but for some reason when he said it in his incoherent ramble; I decided that would be my album or comedy special.” – an edited version of what was said so Alan doesn’t get hunted down and killed

parakeets galore

(Enough parakeets to be measured in a “galore” amount)

Who are your favorite and least favorite Facebook friends?

I’ll keep this short and sweet then maybe say something incredibly nasty at the end so you know it’s me. I entered a contest about a month ago where we needed to write a cliffhanger 1,000 words or less. I was excited because I enjoy competition and thought I could slip out of this one with the victory. Low and behold the contest is nothing more than a popularity contest. Its only function is to help the author who put the contest together get more Likes on his author page on Facebook. Fair enough. It’s just a little disheartening that I could have held down the “j” key 80 times and as long as I had a lot of people to vote for me I would have won. Who knows, maybe the contest is rigged and it’s actually not a complete sham. Perhaps there’s some outside chance this contest was not created with the sole intent of promoting his new book.

Still, I’d like to win. Chances are I won’t because people with big families always win these contests and that’s not something I have other than you guys. Awww.

Here are the steps you must take in order to vote for me. Unfortunately you need a Facebook account to do it which seems like this could be a really allegorical point about voters and IDs.

1) Go here

2) Like the page

3) Click on the Contest button

4) CTRL + F then search for “Tim” because that’s me

5) Click on the little “Vote” square at the bottom of my story. You can read it too. You should read it. This is a contest about voting for the best one, right? No. It’s not. Life is bullshit.

6) Make sure it counted your vote

7) Do it again maybe?

8) Beg me to vote for you the next time you need help. I’ll be more than willing.

That’s it. Thank you. Make me a beauty queen.

??????????????????????

(This could be me, but you know, not a black female)

 

I come from a long line of people with super powers. My great-grandmother had the ability to read minds, my grandfather had the ability to levitate, and my uncle can make young girls disappear. Somewhere out there there’s a swamp filled with missing children. Seriously, he should be locked up. My super power is the ability to spot an idiot right away. Chances are you’re an idiot because almost everyone is. My hope with this piece I have written is to let you know how to spot an idiot where you spend your most time, on Facebook.

facebook-logo

(Does anyone remember when Facebook was cool? If you said yes then you’re lying. It’s impossible to remember never)

Here are the things I have noticed while perusing Facebook that scream idiotic. Don’t think just because you’ve done a few of these things I think you’re an idiot. Oh no child, you’re reading this so if confronted I will pretend I don’t think you’re stupid. For the record, I probably already hate you so calling you an idiot really isn’t too big of a deal.

-Posting Song Lyrics: This isn’t completely idiotic but it tells me you can’t write your own poetry. You’re also saying “Hey I like this band, let me see if anyone else likes this band too.” Then an even bigger idiot likes your status and you two can bond over your love of some shitty band.

-Posting Drama: If I know you have a dramatic life based on your Facebook statuses you are an idiot. I should not know things about your life. Facebook isn’t the place to know about baby’s mama drama. Facebook is a place where we can quickly look through our friend’s pictures and send the embarrassing ones to people we actually like. Yes, I do this all the time.

-Posting Sad Faces or Anything Else Depressing: I knew a guy who would do this all the time. He’s dead now. He took the Socrates way out, suicide. After all the depressing statuses he made on Facebook nothing could ever save him. How about you stop staring at a computer screen and maybe do something nice for someone else to make yourself feel better? Don’t post a frowny face. Most of them just look like a man with a handle-bar mustache anyway.

-Asking People to Hangout: Really? Normally when I want to hangout I’ll ask the people I want to hangout with over the phone or in a private message. The best is when no one replies and it can be assumed the idiot sat at home watching new iCarly episodes. I shouldn’t know you’re pathetic. I should have some fantasy about your awesome life. It gives me hope. Knowing you’re a loser means I make fun of you behind your back.

-Asking for Favors: The only one I’m guilty of is this one. I’ll ask for favors because I don’t have a real connection with too many people and I like to put it out there in the open to see if maybe someone I know has a hidden talent that can help me. I’m still an idiot for doing it. This is far different from the favors I ask for on Craigslist. Those always involve backrubs from college girls. Craigslist is great. I can tell women I’m rich and athletic.

-Liking Too Much: Never and I mean never like your status, comment on the status, and then like your comment. It tells the world nobody gives a shit about you and neither should they. This might possibly be the most pathetic thing ever. This comes from a guy who took his mom’s best friend to prom. I’m kidding. I was my mom’s real best friend.

-Memes: The most offensive form of comedy after the ironic terrorist attack is the meme. Sure, the occasional meme is uproariously funny. For the most part though it’s idiot humor. People who overly enjoy memes are the same people who won’t read a book without pictures or won’t date a girl because she poops. The only memes I have ever posted were ones I made up myself, one being a fake one that I wanted to see gain some leverage. It never did but a few people liked it which means people will believe anything they read in a meme.

What idiotic things do you see on Facebook all the time? Don’t mention typos. Anyone who makes an obviously bad typo in a Facebook status, especially when it’s supposed to come off as funny or smart, should have their typing hands broken and their favorite pet kicked.