Posts Tagged ‘facebook’

In the mid-2000s MySpace was the most popular place to hangout. The social networking website turned what could have been fully functioning social adults into mindless drones afraid to leave their house on the weekend. I am one of those drones and I miss the good old days of MySpace. Facebook never quite lived up to the wonders MySpace provided me in life. Twitter is too simple and pointless while Tumblr needs that missing vowel to earn my respect. The days of MySpace are over and there are five specific things I miss about it most compared to the website I feel killed it off, Facebook.

tom myspace

(Please tell me I’m not the only one who thought that MySpace Tom was giving a thumb up only to later realize it was an illusion from the shadows)

1) The ability to meet new people

Facebook’s privacy settings are so strong that I originally made my account to help a friend stalk his ex-girlfriend to see what she was up to. MySpace was not like this, at least not at first. Of course after a while the privacy settings went up after people were concerned their bosses would find out that they were avid drug users. Because of this, Facebook makes it nearly impossible to make new friends without seeming like a creep. My MySpace profile was so ingenious that I would have random people adding me on an almost daily basis. They got to see my creative side and were legitimate fans of my nonsense. Facebook is now more of a site for adding people you already met in person. I never meet people in person and when I do I never remember their names anyway so we kind of go our separate ways after a night of fun. Facebook makes real-life relationships more like one-night stands whereas MySpace opened it up to the possibility of friends with benefits, a continuous relationship.

2) The ability showcase your talents

Facebook does not having a blogging system in place, one of my favorite MySpace features that people seemed to sometimes care about. MySpace gave me so many chances to be silly and unlike a Facebook status, they didn’t disappear into oblivion after a few days. My favorite thing about MySpace was filling out surveys with ridiculous answers then enjoying the praise I got after. Facebook does have the “notes” option, something that few people use and even fewer ever read. Bands were easily able to put up songs while the rest of us were able to put up music we liked, showcasing how great our taste in music was. Comedians too were able to upload the dates they would be performing. Things were so simple and MySpace acted as a website for many talented people to show off. It’s like that again with the new structure, but nobody uses MySpace outside of a couple of people who are so far behind they still haven’t heard that the Mayans were wrong about their 2012 apocalypse prediction.

3) Less personality on Facebook

I’m not the world’s most attractive person. Granted I could probably bribe my way into winning an office pool for “best-looking” and it not surprise too many people. My personality is what has always gotten me by in life and Facebook makes it shallower, where I am judged more on my face than anything else. I hate being judged by my face. I have to dehydrate myself just to get cheekbones. At any given time I have at least two rashes that if left to grow form a Pangaea by the end of the week. I loved on MySpace when I could find out the ugly girl in math class had a great sense of humor or that the guy all of the girls fawned over couldn’t put together a complete sentence if his life depended on it. Facebook is boring and without the ability to meet new and interesting people, it’s just a rehash of all of the boring people I know in real life.

4) Less danger on Facebook

As much as some overprotective parents assumed MySpace was filled with perverts, pimps, and prostitutes, the truth is the majority of users were like you and me. MySpace always did have a slight sense of danger around it, but so does driving a car. I think we have all met at least one person in real life that we had originally started talking to through MySpace. Sometimes these people actually led to real relationships, some lasting much longer than others. I miss the sense of danger MySpace gave me. Facebook is so safe that whenever I add a girl I don’t know she can immediately delete me before asking who I am. The Internet used to be the Wild West and now it’s more like the Wild Wild West film starring Will Smith, incredibly disappointing.

5) Celebrity encounters, real and fake

Very few celebrities actually use Facebook under true profiles. Why bother? There is a friend limit and does Miranda Cosgrove really need the self-confidence that comes whenever someone likes her status? She had a show about having a show. The girl has self-esteem shooting out all over the place. On MySpace I would add celebrities all of the time, mostly stand-up comedians because they were the most accessible and relatable. Many of them would actually send me messages, one telling me to stop posting so many bulletins. The best was whenever they would respond unsolicited. I had one comedian actually read a bulletin I posted about making my stand-up comedy debut and he actually wished me luck. In addition to the real profiles, I liked the fake ones too. Seeing fake profiles that made celebrities look like morons, jerks, or anything else satirical was something that always made me laugh. Facebook is pretty strict about using your real name and most fake profiles are deleted. Of course with Twitter you can still follow celebrities, but for me it’s not the same. MySpace was so much better.

While I was minding my own business and getting involved in other people’s I shouldn’t have, I received a Facebook message I was not expecting. Unlike most random Facebook messages it didn’t go to my “Other” folder which is filled with pretty girls confessing their love for me. Unfortunately many of them committed suicide before we could begin a romance. Several of them even blamed me for their decision to end their own lives. There are also a bunch of invitations to events I had no interest in attending so not everything is really sad there.

The message I got went something like this:

Hi Tim! I found your fb page through a friend’s list.
I’m currently recruiting people who want to go to Israel next summer for free! The trip is sponsored by The Jewish Federation of Philadelphia and it’s similar to Birthright except it’s longer and while there, you would take classes at Yeshiva/seminary, which is very interesting! In order to qualify, you must be Jewish and between the ages of 18 and 29. I got back from the trip a couple weeks ago and speaking from personal experience, it’s definitely the trip of a lifetime If you qualify and it’s something you might be interested in, feel free to message me back and I’ll be glad to send you more info. I hope to hear from you soon!
P.S. I know this may seem like a scam but I promise it’s not! If you would like to meet in person to discuss the trip, I would be more than willing to.

I can’t just ignore this kind of bullshit. This is the worst type of marketing I have ever seen. There was no attempt to possibly establish if I was even qualified for such a, what sounds like, terribly awful moment of my life. On my list of places I would like to go to Israel is probably near the bottom next to Afghanistan and work on Mondays.

As soon as I read it I wanted to give several smart ass responses. I was furious. It’s like when people in Times Square try to sell me rap CDs. I don’t listen to rap. In fact, I don’t even listen to my own thoughts thanks to my new prescription antidepressants I am currently abusing (with alcohol).

I took the high-road though and responded with:

I’m Chinese so I don’t qualify

Clearly I am not Chinese. I am as far from Chinese as a person can get; unless you ask a Japanese person because they insist they are the opposite of Chinese. I don’t think they are. I think they are like blueberries and raspberries. They are very similar. It’s like the Irish and English would be more like apples and bananas. I pair apples and bananas together because both allow the eater to have something to throw out the car window if they so choose. In my humble opinion, you should always choose.

Then she responds with:

So that means you’re not Jewish?

Something was not getting through. I’m not even sure why there was such an eagerness to put me in harm’s way. Isn’t there a current mass of suicide bombings in the Middle East right now? I swear I saw it trending online. Or maybe it was the Midwest. I always forget which one of those places is backwards and puts too much blind faith in a god.

Then I said:

Yes

And she cuntilly (is it one L or two?) added:

Ok, thanks for responding anyway.

To sum it up, please avoid sending me silly messages like this without doing a little bit of research first. She is very lucky I didn’t say something mean to hurt her feelings. I still would like to know what she thinks a Chinese person looks like if I’m passable.

Facebook has this feature called “People You May Know” where people we know and have no intention on saving from a fire pop up in the corner with their shit-eating grins along with how many mutual friends we have with them. Someone I really don’t like came up on my screen recently. I thought I’d tell you why his personality sucks and why his profile picture proved to me and anyone who sees it how he should be dismembered.

The dickhole was a real dickhole to me in school. He would often tease me for being fat even though he was fat. This actually doesn’t narrow down which bully this was as I had more than one fat bully who made fun of my weight. What happened to brotherhood or going halves on a pizza pie?

fat girls(They are getting way too much pleasure out of giving themselves diabetes)

While I suffered no serious traumatic events from his sweaty chocolate stained hands, I still do resent the fact he was allowed to live while good people like Hitler had to blow their brains out in a shelter. Sorry to say Hitler was a better person than this douche, but in my life that is the case.

Onto the three problems with his profile picture:

Problem 1 – Shirtless

The guy was shirtless in his profile picture. Since he is still fat, we could only see his shoulders. He probably does a lot of military presses and likes how they look. We can’t see the rest of him though because you know, fat. He knows he’s fat. That’s why he made fun of me for being fat. Why take a shirtless pic and only show your top fraction? This isn’t a Girls Gone Wild commercial where you have to hide the nipple.

Problem 2 – Backwards Hat

The only time a hat should be on backwards is if you get punched in the face or you are so shocked it causes it to spin that way. And in the first instance, you should be punched again for wearing a backwards hat. Wearing your hat backwards defeats the purposes of a hat, right? A hat is not meant to make you look like a cool guy. Flashing money and driving loud cars is what makes you cool. Turn your hat around the proper way or remove it. I hope he’s balding.

Problem 3 – It was a selfie

And to top it all off, he took the picture himself. The phone is visible and it was flashed off from a mirror…

This guy is the same species as me! He has a degree from the same high school. He was given the same education. His resume is similar to mine. Luckily I think I saw another picture of his of him standing near a quarry working so he will probably die on the job when a faulty machine drops a heavy stone on him. Hopefully he doesn’t just end up paralyzed because he’d probably get a huge settlement. Or if he does end up paralyzed I hope it’s a miserable life full of erectile dysfunction.

Okay if this seems cruel keep in mind he was mean to me. Also consider he has a non-ironic picture of him shirtless with a backwards hat standing in front of a mirror. Fuck people like that.

justin bieber(See the kind of people who do this? Wait this isn’t a selfie)

justin bieber2(Okay so Justin Bieber has no selfies of him shirtless with a backwards had. All other combinations do exist though. Ergo, the guy I know is a bigger douche than Justin Bieber)

The following is something I failed to get published on several websites and is inspired by a Facebook status I made that got like 14 likes a few months ago. Who cares? I’m going to be on the radio, right?

Cuba-Gooding-Jr.-stars-as-James-Robert-Kennedy-in-Radio-0

A Brief History of Humor

Humor is subjective and ever changing. What I’m wondering is, has the general population been getting funnier or lamer? You be the judge. Here are examples of conversations one person might say to another person whom they find funny over the history of life.

10,000 BC: “Man you’re so funny. You should totally remember those grunting noises you made and use them again because they brought me such humorous joy. I bet you can even have those grunts mean actual words one day if you put your mind to it.”

5,000 BC: “Man you’re so funny. You should totally get into hieroglyphic writing. I bet you can make a joke that will last forever and in thousands of years might mean something completely different yet still remain relevant and intrigue the human mind.”

1,000 BC: “Man you’re so funny. You should totally buy a chisel and write out your jokes on stone tablets. I bet you can make them last for centuries and if the joke is good enough it may teach something to future generations about our culture in today’s world.”

1: “Man you’re so funny. You should totally write that down on some scripture. I bet you can even convince a few people to believe these jokes are their dogma.”

1200: “Man you’re so funny. You should totally explore the entire world and tell these jokes to everyone you meet along the away. I bet you can connect our planet and make the human race closer than ever before.”

1450: “Man you’re so funny. You should totally get one of them printing press things and make copies of your jokes and distribute them out. I bet you can inspire other people to think and come up with jokes of their own.

1600: “Man you’re so funny. You should totally become a bard and write plays about intriguing characters that will not only make people laugh but also make them think. I bet you could be the next William Shakespeare.”

1776: “Man you’re so funny. You should totally get out from under English rule to have the freedom to tell whatever jokes you want. I bet you can even create a nation where freedom of speech exists and we live alongside each other passively while we continue to expand as humans until eventually the rest of the world sees that democracy is the most important thing a leader can offer its people.”

1920: “Man you’re so funny. You should totally get involved in filmmaking. I bet you could make a really funny feature length film that provides a lot of entertainment for everyone who is too stupid to realize this whole prohibition thing is a joke.”

1938: “Man you’re so funny. You should totally put that on a radio program. I bet you could become famous from it if enough people are naïve enough to believe aliens really did land on earth. It could make your career!”

1960: “Man you’re so funny. You should totally move to Hollywood and pursue your dream at becoming a screenwriter for films and television. I bet if you put in the hard work and believe in yourself you can achieve so much and change the way media works.”

1980: “Man you’re so funny. You should totally try standup comedy. I bet you could get a national tour going. Who knows, maybe you’ll even get your own sitcom if enough people ever appreciate you.”

2000: “Man you’re so funny. You should totally do one of those new blog things. I bet you can even write a book one day, you know, maybe if you feel like it. What do I care? It’s not me.”

2008: “Man you’re so funny. You should totally make a Twitter account. I bet you can even get a bunch of followers one day. And I swear even when I make passive aggressive comments to you about how much funnier I am than you I’m still happy you have a bunch of strangers who read your daily thoughts.”

2010: “Man you fall down a lot. You should totally videotape everything you do. I bet you can get the video to go viral. You may even end up on a television show where all they do is talk about YouTube videos for a half hour with snide one-liners. Your dead parents would be so proud.”

2013: “Man you’re so funny. You should totally make one of those stupid pictures with the white text that points out a quick quip about society, social issues, or celebrities. They’re called memes, right? I know it sounds ridiculous, but I love not having to think very hard or work at anything else. You should do it man it’s really easy work and it most likely will not be relevant in a week. I bet you can even get someone to like it on Facebook one day.”

The point, don’t grab life by the balls. Grab life by the balls, bell-end, full scrotum, and a little bit of taint. If you settle on anything, you’re never going to reach your full potential.

What makes a good Facebook friend? If I could ask God one question it would probably be that. I mean, why overwhelm the guy? He might even be like, “Oh shit Tim. Me damn that’s a good question.” Rather than answer this near impossible question, I’m going to tell you a little bit about my favorite and least favorite Facebook friends.

Least Favorite:

Guy who likes all of his statuses, pictures, and was Catfished into a relationship. I first saw he was in a relationship with a bombshell I opened my window, stuck my head outside, and judged whether or not it was high enough for me to die if I jumped out. Then logic sent in and I knew he was probably just having a prank pulled on him by some lonely person. I’m also not a fan of the guy in general because during the first week of sixth great he threatened to beat me up. Why am I Facebook friends with him? The same reason I look at pictures of plane crashes on Google images, to cheer myself up.

Favorite:

Former Major League Baseball pitcher and the last one to win over 30 games in a season, Denny Mclain. This guy is a nut. He’s been to prison a bunch of times for white collar crimes like being better at winning money while betting on sports than you could ever dream. What’s great about him on Facebook is instead of replying to people who post on his Wall he will update his status with things like “Thank you” then sign his name. He must do this 8 times a day. Trust me. It’s a lot more fun than I make it sound.

denny_mc_lain

(Denny Mclain displaying the horrors of metabolism with age)

Least Favorite:

The latest girl to delete me as a friend. I’m not sure why she deleted me. I’m not sure why she even stopped talking to me. We got along great. I touched her elbow and she said she liked it. We were texting and she went with a friend to get frozen yogurt with the promise she would text me after. No text was sent until a few days later when I asked how she was. Then she pretty much disappeared, moved to another country, and deleted me from Facebook. Can you believe this isn’t the first time a girl I liked moved to another country within three months after meeting her? My fuckin’ life.

Favorite:

No one compares to The Unbreakable Michael Elgin. Michael Elgin is an independent wrestler from Canada whose status updates filled with typos and references to how much weight he can lift always lift my spirits. The best storyline he ever had going on his Facebook was when he was getting his mother, Mama Elgin, to do squats with him. Did you know she was asked to be in the movie Over the Top and had to decline because she was preggers with The Unbreakable Michael Elgin? Bet you didn’t!

michael elgin

(He’s unbreakable until it comes to a game of Scrabble. Then he completely collapses)

Least Favorite:

The least funny person I am Facebook friends with is someone I have never met. It’s a male who for some reason added a bunch of comedians a few years back, probably to fill his own unfunny hole. He’s a swell guy, but his jokes are terrible. I think he wanted to be a stand-up comedian and realized he couldn’t because he has the comedic timing of Flight 93. I know I used that joke somewhere else before. It’s just so specific I had to use it again. Once I commented on a status of his and he seemed really snoody. I only remain friends with him as a reminder that there are things more upsetting than funerals.

Favorite:

I got my least favorite comedian out of the way so let’s get to my favorite. Few people can say they’ve dined with their favorite comedians without having to pay money to a charity auction. I’m one of these people. I am Facebook friends with none other than comedian Alan Schwartz. You may remember him from his 1980s comedy special “Parakeets Galore.” I asked Mr. Schwartz where he came up with the title to this legendary comedy album.

“Parakeets Galore is something the rambling lunatic you saw at that one open mic once said in his set. He was talking about a pet store or something like that, but for some reason when he said it in his incoherent ramble; I decided that would be my album or comedy special.” – an edited version of what was said so Alan doesn’t get hunted down and killed

parakeets galore

(Enough parakeets to be measured in a “galore” amount)

Who are your favorite and least favorite Facebook friends?

I’ll keep this short and sweet then maybe say something incredibly nasty at the end so you know it’s me. I entered a contest about a month ago where we needed to write a cliffhanger 1,000 words or less. I was excited because I enjoy competition and thought I could slip out of this one with the victory. Low and behold the contest is nothing more than a popularity contest. Its only function is to help the author who put the contest together get more Likes on his author page on Facebook. Fair enough. It’s just a little disheartening that I could have held down the “j” key 80 times and as long as I had a lot of people to vote for me I would have won. Who knows, maybe the contest is rigged and it’s actually not a complete sham. Perhaps there’s some outside chance this contest was not created with the sole intent of promoting his new book.

Still, I’d like to win. Chances are I won’t because people with big families always win these contests and that’s not something I have other than you guys. Awww.

Here are the steps you must take in order to vote for me. Unfortunately you need a Facebook account to do it which seems like this could be a really allegorical point about voters and IDs.

1) Go here

2) Like the page

3) Click on the Contest button

4) CTRL + F then search for “Tim” because that’s me

5) Click on the little “Vote” square at the bottom of my story. You can read it too. You should read it. This is a contest about voting for the best one, right? No. It’s not. Life is bullshit.

6) Make sure it counted your vote

7) Do it again maybe?

8) Beg me to vote for you the next time you need help. I’ll be more than willing.

That’s it. Thank you. Make me a beauty queen.

??????????????????????

(This could be me, but you know, not a black female)

 

I come from a long line of people with super powers. My great-grandmother had the ability to read minds, my grandfather had the ability to levitate, and my uncle can make young girls disappear. Somewhere out there there’s a swamp filled with missing children. Seriously, he should be locked up. My super power is the ability to spot an idiot right away. Chances are you’re an idiot because almost everyone is. My hope with this piece I have written is to let you know how to spot an idiot where you spend your most time, on Facebook.

facebook-logo

(Does anyone remember when Facebook was cool? If you said yes then you’re lying. It’s impossible to remember never)

Here are the things I have noticed while perusing Facebook that scream idiotic. Don’t think just because you’ve done a few of these things I think you’re an idiot. Oh no child, you’re reading this so if confronted I will pretend I don’t think you’re stupid. For the record, I probably already hate you so calling you an idiot really isn’t too big of a deal.

-Posting Song Lyrics: This isn’t completely idiotic but it tells me you can’t write your own poetry. You’re also saying “Hey I like this band, let me see if anyone else likes this band too.” Then an even bigger idiot likes your status and you two can bond over your love of some shitty band.

-Posting Drama: If I know you have a dramatic life based on your Facebook statuses you are an idiot. I should not know things about your life. Facebook isn’t the place to know about baby’s mama drama. Facebook is a place where we can quickly look through our friend’s pictures and send the embarrassing ones to people we actually like. Yes, I do this all the time.

-Posting Sad Faces or Anything Else Depressing: I knew a guy who would do this all the time. He’s dead now. He took the Socrates way out, suicide. After all the depressing statuses he made on Facebook nothing could ever save him. How about you stop staring at a computer screen and maybe do something nice for someone else to make yourself feel better? Don’t post a frowny face. Most of them just look like a man with a handle-bar mustache anyway.

-Asking People to Hangout: Really? Normally when I want to hangout I’ll ask the people I want to hangout with over the phone or in a private message. The best is when no one replies and it can be assumed the idiot sat at home watching new iCarly episodes. I shouldn’t know you’re pathetic. I should have some fantasy about your awesome life. It gives me hope. Knowing you’re a loser means I make fun of you behind your back.

-Asking for Favors: The only one I’m guilty of is this one. I’ll ask for favors because I don’t have a real connection with too many people and I like to put it out there in the open to see if maybe someone I know has a hidden talent that can help me. I’m still an idiot for doing it. This is far different from the favors I ask for on Craigslist. Those always involve backrubs from college girls. Craigslist is great. I can tell women I’m rich and athletic.

-Liking Too Much: Never and I mean never like your status, comment on the status, and then like your comment. It tells the world nobody gives a shit about you and neither should they. This might possibly be the most pathetic thing ever. This comes from a guy who took his mom’s best friend to prom. I’m kidding. I was my mom’s real best friend.

-Memes: The most offensive form of comedy after the ironic terrorist attack is the meme. Sure, the occasional meme is uproariously funny. For the most part though it’s idiot humor. People who overly enjoy memes are the same people who won’t read a book without pictures or won’t date a girl because she poops. The only memes I have ever posted were ones I made up myself, one being a fake one that I wanted to see gain some leverage. It never did but a few people liked it which means people will believe anything they read in a meme.

What idiotic things do you see on Facebook all the time? Don’t mention typos. Anyone who makes an obviously bad typo in a Facebook status, especially when it’s supposed to come off as funny or smart, should have their typing hands broken and their favorite pet kicked.

I am near black belt level of remembering the people I meet in life. Sometimes their names escape me. They will forever be known by other things like “gay kid from sports camp” or “gay kid from baseball camp.” As you can see, I went to a lot of camps and made a lot of friends with gay kids. Whether it was general sports or a more niche one, campgrounds are filled with little homos offering a trade of “show me yours and I’ll show you mine.”

Going through my Facebook, there are some people I have no clue who they are. Thing is, I never knew who they were. They were random people who added me. It’s different with Facebook than it was with Myspace. Myspace was about meeting new people. That’s why it was so great at first. Do I need to remind you how many girls offered themselves to me on that website? Well, 4. Half of them were underage. Still, that’s more than Facebook. Myspace was awesome because you could spy on people and they could spy on you. A random girl could be browsing, look at my profile, then think that I was awesome. Then we could talk a little more and she could realize I wasn’t that great. At least I knew where I stood. With Facebook I’m lost in the woods.

(Facebook makes me feel like the Blair Witch is after me. I have no idea what’s going on and my nose runs a little too much)

I wonder this about random Facebook friends, who the fuck are they? They usually don’t have very many friends in general. Or they have a lot. I’m not referring either to the people you have a few friends in common with. Usually these are just friend whores. Instead I’m focusing more on those completely random out of the blue can’t find any connection with individuals. They baffle me. I need to find out more.

The thing about this phenomenon, yes like the John Travolta lightning movie, is that they’re almost always men from Eastern Europe or the Middle East. Something happens on that side of the world. Maybe they’re friendlier. They’re more willing to take risks because their lives in general involve more risk. There’s that and then there’s they’re perverts. If you’re a girl and a random guy adds you, he’s a pervert. I added one random girl on Facebook ever. We were Facebook friends for 23, yes like the Jim Carrey number movie, minutes. We had two friends in common. Why did I add her? She was hot and had very large breasts. I was lonely and felt like rolling the dice. I didn’t get a chance for her to say to me “Do I know you?” and for me to reply with “Yes” and freaking her out. I have since avoided adding random people. Unless you count the cute waitress I stalked and tried to add. But I mean c’mon, she must have seen me 50 times and even said hi once. It can’t be that creepy. It’s not like I post pictures of her on my blog…

(This isn’t a picture of the girl I tried to add on Facebook randomly. She’s just some random Google Image who came up from searching waitress. I wanted for a second you to think that I really would post pictures of random people I stalk)

I did have a girl add me randomly on Facebook. Her name was Nena Fitriyani or something very similar. She was from Indonesia and always called me Mister. She deleted me after I took one of her random pictures of her singing karaoke with friends and tagged friends of mine in it. I guess Indonesian humor doesn’t involve practical jokes. It’s more about tsunamis and–what else is Indonesia even known for?

(Didn’t a man with funny hair and a bad reality TV show say Barack Obama was born in Indonesia?)

I wouldn’t mind random people adding people if they had something to say. They never do though. They add you then never do a thing. This always throws me for a loop. I hate when people try to make a connection with me and don’t say a thing. I feel like a prostitute. You’re using me as a number to boost your popularity. At least say hello or like something I posted. Otherwise you’re clearly spying on me. You only added me hoping you could find out that my life was worse than yours. The joke is on you. I don’t post enough about how much my life stinks on Facebook. It’ll remain a constant mystery for you unless you’re reading this. In that case, my life rules.

I’m now led to the idea that there are others who have at some point seen me on their friends list and thought “who is this guy?” That’s a pretty shitty feeling. I don’t add people I haven’t met in person. Unless they’re some sort of celebrity. I’ll always add a celebrity. I have this fantasy of a celebrity seeing something I posted and making me famous. Or having sex with me. But isn’t having sex with a celebrity kind of like becoming famous? Or are you just another number to boost their popularity? I will never understand a thing about the beautiful and successful people of the world.

(Malin Akerman, I don’t get you, but I love you and you are the inspiration for everything that I do. More on that to come)

What makes a random person add someone on Facebook? The only thing most people can see about another is the main picture. Was I that attractive to the Iranian guy who decided to befriend me? Does that skinny old man who added me named Romes Forel have some infatuation with my image? I guess I should take what I can get. When a random person adds you on Facebook, it’s reassurance that you look like a friendly person. At the very least, you look like someone who could easily provide them with some sick torture fantasies. Look at the random friends you have on Facebook and tell me you can’t imagine them starring in a torture porn. On the rubber end of the knife too.

Anyone with a Facebook account and stupid friends on there have noticed that there has been a recent cavalcade of viruses being posted. The best thing about these viruses, they involve naked people. The worst part about these viruses, they’re fucking viruses!

(Cyrus the Virus, the only kind I like)

The way you get these viruses is by clicking on the pictures of naked people. So anyone who “posts” one of these is a pervert who clicked on the picture. Sometimes they try to fool you into thinking some cute girl got a new piercing. I like these. They make me feel special. She says she has a new piercing somewhere, but that she can’t post it on Facebook. I have click on a link to see it. The weird thing about these are usually gross fat guys post them. Gross fat guys are the only ones who fall for this gag. I know that with my luck no girl would ever target me with such amazing photos. Maybe ADAMS DAUGHTER!!! but we used to date in the early 80’s. For those interested, we met at a Judas Priest concert. Her father whose name is apparently Adam didn’t like me much so we had to end it.  

I would never fall for one of these tricks. Only one girl ever did send me naked pictures of her. I fell in love instantly. Then I showed them to my friends to brag that someone was drunk enough to do such a sweet thing for me. She fell in love with a YouTube sensation (more on her in a future blog if I’m sure) and we haven’t spoken since we got Popeyes Chicken together 4 years ago. Maybe because I took her to Popeyes Chicken. She took me to White Castle. I figured it made us even.

I remember the first time I fell for a virus. Somebody with “snowplow” in their screen name sent me an e-mail with a file that said it was “so funny.” I like funny. Funny makes me laugh! I opened it and nothing happened. Then someone told me that I had sent them a virus. Ahhh! How could I be so stupid? Everyone knows that a person that would put “snowplow” in their screen name is a scumbag. I’m pretty sure he fell for the trick too and wasn’t a mean person. I told him and he signed offline immediately. Perhaps a snow storm broke out and he had to get to work. Who knows? July has strange weather patterns.

I’ve pretty much mastered not getting computer viruses. It’s taken a couple of shots at it. Usually it’s stupid things I’m looking at that give me the viruses. I swear, it’s never been porn. One time I was trying to find a link to watch a WWE Pay Per View online. Then my computer started acting funny. And warnings came up. I was scared so I turned off my computer and had someone else fix my problem. That’s what I love about people. They bail me out when electronics attack. The only other viruses I remember getting came from looking up song lyrics. Those virus makers know how to prey on idiots. Only an idiot would look up the full lyrics to Monster Mash. They had me hook, line, and sinker. I managed to clean off my computer from that virus just fine by not using it and hoping nobody noticed. I never heard anything about it so I think the law of statute of limitations is up and I can now discuss this.

The scariest one I ever got came from out of nowhere. I shouldn’t say that exactly. I honestly don’t remember where it came from. Maybe it was an online game that I played where I had to download files from strangers. I thought that was another time. Shit, I need to stay away from the Internet. This one virus in particular began to download pornography onto my computer. Now that’s scary. Having a link to gay porn on your computer 5 minutes before your big date? I know I’ve seen episodes of TV shows where someone gets a pimple before a big date. That doesn’t compare to this. How do I explain the random icon of a naked man handcuffing another naked man to the girl of my dreams? And why am I taking her on a date to my computer screen? Maybe this is why I’ve been so lonely most of my life.

(I might be lonely a lot of the time, but at least now I have time to read my books)

I wiped my hard drive (had someone else do it for me, that’s what he called it) and my computer was good again. I’ve been pretty good with viruses ever since. I’m careful about what websites I go to. The scary thing about this new generation of viruses is that they’re really tricky. They try to fool you into thinking you have to buy software to have them removed. It’s pretty shitty to think that there are other people out there that thing this is a cool thing to do. I hate seeing anyone be taken advantage of and this is the ultimate example. Preying on the innocent goes against everything we stand for. Identity thieves are so scummy. I hate them more than anyone else. Our identities are all we have and when you take that you’ve basically killed that person. I know, too extreme. But it’s annoying that there are thieves who steal from other middle class individuals. If you’re going to steal, target big business. It’s more American.

(“Steal from Pizza Hut, not your local Ma & Pa pizzeria” – George Washington, 1997)

One point I really wanted to make about these Facebook viruses and the naked photos is about the people in these photos. Who are they? I really want to know. They are regular sluts who may have made a mistake and took a picture of themselves topless and now they’re all over Facebook doing it. The odds are stacked up to say that at least one person that she knows ends up getting this virus posted on their page. And since they know her, they think that she finally is admitting her love for them. They click on the virus and get it. All because she was a slut one night. Don’t be a slut. It breaks computers.

I’d like to one day meet one of these virus sluts. They don’t have to be naked. They can wear a couple of coats and a bonnet for all I care. I want to know their story. It’s a story that needs to be told from their point of view. How their identity is now associated with whorish ways and spam comments. I’ll write a book about this. Then realize it is only a five-page story. Then I’ll turn it into a pamphlet. Hand it out at the mall and get arrested. All of this because you’re stupid and fell for that online virus. I mean really, are you still that stupid?

I consider myself a pretty nice guy. That means nothing though. Most people consider themselves pretty nice. We all do what we think is right. Even Ted Bundy probably thought those women were a problem and deserved it. I think I’m nice because I am always doing favors for others. It’s not tough work. There isn’t much I can do. I suck at fixing things whether it be technological or something like a wooden chair. I’m not handy at all. I only know what a wrench is based on the board game Clue. Hammers are the only tool that I can use properly. It’s the idiot device. Clunking one hard object in your hand into another object somewhere else. Monkeys invented the hammer. Then they turned into humans because of it.

(A monkey building a Sara Jessica Parker bone replica)

A constant theme that I seem to be coming across now are people asking for favors from me way too much. Someone asking me to move something because I’m a man and they’re a woman is fine. Even when the woman has a thicker mustache than me (meaning more testosterone) I will help out. The favors that I have a big problem with are the ones that are asked from those who want the favor and nothing else.

I had a friend in high school. Not really a friend. More of someone who I could talk to in gym class. He sent me a text message a few months back. It was the first contact we had in over a year. He asked me what was up and I lied about how wonderful my life has since become. I knew this wasn’t out of the blue. Something had to be up. The conversation continued and he tells me that he’s looking for a job and wants to know if I know anywhere that is hiring. Huh. I thought you wanted to reconnect with an old pal. No. You want to use me for my extensive knowledge about the workforce. He must have thought that I worked as a writer for an unemployment magazine or else he’s really as retarded as I remember. Why on earth would I know places that are hiring? And if I did, why would I tell someone who hasn’t talked to me in a year? He hasn’t talked to since. I’m expecting another text once he loses his current job asking me the same question yet again with the same lousy pleasantries which aren’t really all that pleasant.

Again, a friend from high school contacted me recently. I actually liked this one a little bit more. I never egged his house and that’s kind of how I group my friends. People whose houses or cars I have willingly destroyed and those who I stayed away from. This particular friend from my past had a question for me that I do not have an answer to. He wanted to know how to block an old website of ours from potential employers finding it. I remember never finding the website in search engines, but hey fuck me, I’m the one stupid enough to actually consider finding out an answer. That is, until I realized that I wished him a Facebook happy birthday and he did not wish me one. He can risk it for all I care. The website didn’t have anything too offensive on there anyway. We haven’t spoken since 2006. The middle of that year too. 5 and a half years have passed and now he needs a favor. He’s not the Godfather. I hope he doesn’t get the job at GloboTek, TeknoGlobe, or whatever this large important business must be called.

I am not the only one who has “old friends” returning for favors. My friend who happens to be a girl (it’s my girlfriend, but I’m worried that a hot girl might read this and have morals against doing dirty things with me seeing as I’m taken and all) had a friend who deleted her off of Facebook. Deleting someone off of Facebook is like murdering them. Maybe worse. They didn’t talk for maybe a year or so and then out of the blue (the second time I’ve used this term, bad writing) she got a text message from her. Like most of these come-crawling-back-scumbags, the conversation started with the usual “hey how are you” and “awww we should hang out again” horse shit that they say to try to lure you into a false sense of security. I was suspicious at first and it only grew more and more as I continued to watch a video on YouTube about how much control the government really has over our lives. Turns out, the girl wanted pictures from an old dance that they had went to. It does not surprise me one bit. Nobody ever contacts an old friend unless they want something or are in a 12-step program. It’s like an admittance of defeat if they do so. One of you has to give that “Why did we ever stop hanging out” speech. Then you try to remember the good times. And in doing so, you remember exactly why you stopped hanging out. You don’t need to have the same friends your entire life. Life isn’t an Archie Comic Book.

(Unrealistic. Archie isn’t charming or handsome. Why does he get to share a malt with those two hot chicks? Archie has creepy eyes)

I get nervous whenever people from my past add me on Facebook now. I know there’s some ulterior motive. Most likely just to spy on me. I don’t mind. I can be like all of those girls who claim that anybody who smiles at them is a stalker.