Posts Tagged ‘failure’

Unsuccess is not a word. I chose it though because using failure is demeaning and too accurate to my 2013 year. You can’t spell the made up word unsuccess without success. It’s being a little more positive. For instance, I believe the glass is always half empty. The glass is half empty because it started out that way and the end result is an empty glass always. Glass half full means more will be added and even if this were the case eventually the glass would overflow with root beer and that’s the semen of colas. I think it’s because how sticky it is.

root beer(Not sure how a liquid qualifies as food. Oh wait, it’s American. That’s why)

Anyway, I want to do a brief review of everything I have unsuccessed at this past year. Yes, I know I should probably say “been unsuccessful at” but I’ve already explained, there’s nothing full or ful about bad news.

Writing Failures:

I entered a lot of contests this year. It’s odd too because New Year’s Eve I got my first professional review and it was pretty good. I thought this was the year my dreams would come true. Not so fast. I’m a white male living in the worst time period to be a white male. I didn’t bother entering another contest because they look for diverse people and last year I lied and said I was Jewish and had a speech impediment to sound diverse. I had two scripts entered into one contest, neither of which received any awards despite one being absolutely terrific. I failed again with another script for the third year in a row in this contest. I’ve submitted something different every year too. I also stayed within the required page range. What am I doing wrong? And this is the same network that brought us The New Girl I’m entering to.

ng_30_bath_group_1_2813_R2.jpg(Their living situation is complicated and they are diverse. So funny)

Other Creative Failures:

Remember when I thought for sure I would be on the radio? Yeah that was silly of me. I’m not sure the guy who won actually got anything out of it. He was probably like me and lied about where he lived and they found out. The worst thing was I failed twice at this. It sucks to fail once. Failing twice is even harder. I can’t even give the “this has never happened before” excuse because it has happened, and twice right there in front of everybody. That really broke my heart because I thought I put on a bigger effort than some of the other douches. And yes they are douches, mostly because they got something I did not.

tim and carter final image(July-Good luck everyone! December-Fuck you all)

Girl Failures:

How quiickly can I sum up my failures with the 3 billion of these things on the planet? The first one I remember failing with was because she took my joke that we should get married too serious I suppose and stopped talking. Another one accused me of biting her, which was total bullshit because she said she would have sex with me if she didn’t like me. What’s a boy to think? The biggest failure was the one who I liked so much I made her last name a password of mine. We got along great and then suddenly she began ignoring me until finally she deleted me from Facebook. So basically I can never say I hope another human being doesn’t get cancer.

Hitler in Paris(The last girl was a big Francophile so I’m dedicating this picture to her)

Other Writing Failures:

Before I discovered Yahoo, oh wonderful Yahoo and your willingness to accept anything, I tried submitting to College Humor and another website, McSweeney’s or something like that. I don’t know. Nobody reads it. Everything I submitted to both websites were rejected. I submitted a lot too. A daily routine of mine was writing as much for them all morning long until my afternoon jazzercise program. Eventually I gave up because as you can see above, I was getting a little too comfortable with the fail.

Cho Seung-Hui(Probably the only college student who would appreciate my humor)

Life in General:

Life itself is a fail for me. The worst thing about it is that all of these failures have made me a bad person. I’m not even trying to get people to say “Oh stop! You’re such a sweetie pie.” Not that I would stop you. I find myself through all of these failures becoming bitterer and spiteful which in the end makes me manipulative and unsympathetic. It’s really hard to get me to feel bad for anyone, although I would pretend to do it if I could get something in return. So basically my failings have turned me into a monster. This will turn out well for no one.

tongue(I actually like how the tongue is a good progression of a person. You start off sweet, become a little salty, then turn sour, and finally end up bitter)

What have you failed at this year?

I will also do a follow-up to this with my 2013 successes just so you know I’m not a whiny bitch, which I am but I am trying to manipulate you into thinking I am not.

This is not a post about how much I hate to leave my apartment. If you’ve been to my apartment you’ll understand why I hate to leave it. My walls are completely barren and white, except for the one black stain from when I was wearing a black shirt, sweating, and leaned against it. My apartment always smells like whatever I had eaten for breakfast. Today it smells like warm milk. The greatest thing about my apartment is there’s always something to do. There are so many dog hairs everywhere sometimes I lie on the ground and count them. None of what I will write about today has anything to do with that. I would rather focus on something even grander. The places we have potential to go in our lives.

My idea on this theory came during the middle of the night. I also had a dream about a movie where Joseph Gordon-Levitt played a character named “Ugly Nick.” I’m not sure what my subconscious was saying there. Rarely do I ever think of JG-L. I could have sworn he was on Roseanne and he wasn’t. The idea I had was that each of us has three paths we can go down. There’s the path going downhill, the path going uphill, and the path leading to a dead-end.

(I always thought the fat guy on the right was Joseph Gordon-Levitt. I feel like an idiot now)

The path going downhill is very obvious. These are the people we look at knowing they’re in a downward spiral. They’re drug addicts, alcoholics, people who watch PBS, sexual deviants, anyone who puts on 30 pounds a year, and so forth. Basically they’re anyone you see headed into a worse direction than you might be used. This is where we hope all the popular people from high school end up. If you were popular in high school and are reading thing then I really don’t understand how you got here. You’re in the wrong place. I think we all know someone from high school who still relives their glory days. My mom’s boyfriend used to tell me about how he was a world champion wrestler in high school. By world he meant Middlesex County. He was reliving his past triumphs from the early 1970s. To give you an idea how long ago he was traveling through time, the third Austin Powers movie took place around the same time he was wearing a leotard and getting ringworm from a wrestling mat. Sorry I don’t have any other idea what else was going on in the early 1970s. Wasn’t there a war?

(Nevermind no war took place. I was confusing it with a song by Martin Luther King Jr.)

The path going uphill is also a very obvious one. There are the people we look at knowing they’re going to go someplace in life. They’re hard-workers, loving, confident, not me, sexual deviants who happen to know the correct rich businessmen to approach, and probably not you. This is the path we all dream about going down. It’s the basic American dream underdog story. Rise up from the bottom to the top. I like to think I’m on this path. I do whatever I can to not be self-destructive. I eat healthy, I exercise, I ask old black people for advice often, I don’t burn my bridges, and I keep bad people out of my life. The problem is most people think we’re on this path. It’s a very thin one and the further along you go the thinner it gets. What we have to understand is not everyone can be successful. It would be great if we all grew up to be movie stars with large genitals, but our DNA is not Communist. Things are not even. So keep going to those Tuesday night acting classes and buy that penis pump you’ve been eyeing online. The path uphill cannot be accomplished alone.

(An official Dr. Seuss penis pump. It also plays music and makes your balls grow as big as the Grinch’s heart)

Finally there is the path leading to a dead-end. Oye vey this is a wide asshole path. Lots of people fall here. They’re not bad people by any stretch. They take care of themselves as much as they have to. In a way they’re defeatists, something else I have to write about later on. I would say 90% of people are on this path to a dead-end. Crazy isn’t it? People without hopes, dreams, motivation, or anywhere to go. Saddest thing about this is a lot of the time it’s not their fault. They’re content with where they stand in life. I know the combination of words “big dick fucking black pussy” might offend some people. The word content does the same to me. How are you content? You’re waking up every morning thinking everything is fine and dandy? Don’t get me wrong, a positive attitude is wonderful and I would love to have a stronger one. These dead enders are different. They fall into a trap where they believe this is what life was supposed to be. They use words like karma, destiny, and fate to justify how their lives didn’t turn out the way they wanted. It’s sad to me other people can think this way.

The scariest things that could ever happen to me are 1) I am kidnapped by cannibal rapists (it doesn’t matter what order they do it in) and 2) I end up with a job I get nothing out of and I have to wake up when it’s still dark outside to get there. Those are my two biggest fears in life. I really don’t want to be eaten then raped or raped then eaten and more importantly I don’t want to wake up when bats are still outside fellating each other. To me, this is a dead-end path. I will know my life is going nowhere if I have to dread waking up for work in the morning and once I do the moon still shines down. It has been decided. Whatever I can do to get on a path going uphill I will do. If I fail on my way up, at least I get to fall rather that putz around on a hypothetical dead-end street.

Two years in a row I have failed to capture victory in a contest I have entered. Some would tell me that I need to keep trying. That not everyone succeeds right away. I tell these people to fuck off. You don’t know what it’s like to live a failure. We can’t be as perfect as you are. Some of us are destined to never reach our dreams. We’re meant to pick up trash or work in a cubicle. I don’t care how much money you make or what floor your office is on. You work in a fucking box! You’re a crayon with bowel movements.

(If these could shit they would replace you in a second)

What bugs me most about this contest is that I don’t know what I did wrong. Did I fall just short? Did they pick it up, read 2 pages, and then turn it into a baby’s diaper? Actually wait. I submitted this in PDF format. I wouldn’t put it past them though to print out a copy then use it as a baby shit scooper. Boy I’m in a pissy vulgar mood about this fucking shit! Without further ado I present to you the titles of the finalists. To show you and the contest people who think I was not good enough just how creative I am, I have included my own summaries based on the titles of these finalists alone. They’re sure to change their minds after reading this, right?

(Even this baby seems disgusted to be anywhere near my script)

“Aggravated At Large” – Wanda Sykes gets a new television show. This time instead of playing a character named Wanda, she plays a character named Aggravated Jones. And boy is she always ticked off about everything! Overweight too.

“Ballers” – A black high school basketball team in the 1970s and their misadventures dominating the white prep schools. In the pilot episode they somehow end Jim Crowe laws by making a three pointer.

“Boomerang Kids” – Two kids. One Frisbee. One kid dies. Surviving kid gets a boomerang and pretends it is his dead friend’s ghost tossing it back. Surviving kid is admitted to hospital.

“Bored of Ed” – An uneasily amused high school principal hates his job. He complains and whines about it every episode. He never thinks to maybe do something else with his life. His name is also Ed.

“Brew City” – A city made entirely out of beer and beer products. There’s some underlying allegory about how much Americans love alcohol. Nobody cares because fans of the show pass out before Act III each episode.

“Bridges In Beta” – It’s like that Terabithia movie except there are more Greek people.

“Couple of Dudes” – It’s like Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure except there is a third slacker friend so you can tell the difference.

“Death and Mangos” – A mango salesman convinces a small Romanian town that his mangos will give them everlasting life. The joke is on them because the mangos are really deer testicles.

“The Entrepreneur Squad!” – I refuse to acknowledge the existence of anything with the word “squad” in it or ending in an exclamation point. When a title needs to be loud you know it’s lacking in other departments. Just saying.

“The Experts” – Lisa Simpson, Alex from Modern Family, and Charles Darwin team up to form a Justice League type group where they answer trivia questions for fun. They so smart!

“Good People Doing Constructive Things” – A look inside the inner workings of Habitat for Humanity. The humor is comparable to the rape episode of Full House.

“Growing Up Morales” – About the childhood of Colombian Dictator Chipper Morales. Born into poverty, he rose up to completely wipe out nations. His wife is played by Sofia Vergara so there are some laughs at her funny noises and large breasts.

“Here To Stay” – Kyle Fluffer is born with a dead fetus attached to the side of his head. When he goes into the hospital to get it removed on his 18th birthday he finds out removal of the fetus could kill him. Looks like his dead baby brother is here to say!

“Inheritance” – Little Suzy Felcher has sworn off alcohol her entire life because her dad was an abusive alcoholic. After her first sip she becomes addicted. Her life goes to shit. She has inherited the alcoholic gene.

“The Late Bloomer” – A flat-chested woman wakes up one morning with gigantic tits. Suddenly her life changes. Men notice her. She gets a promotion at Walmart. But sometimes she has trouble reaching things and it hurts when she runs.

“Life After Beth” – Richard Greaseball’s first girlfriend Beth is killed in a fire right before prom. Richard had planned on breaking up with her anyway because she was pretty ugly. Looks like Richard can finally be who he wants to be.

“Little League” – I’m not going to make fun of this one as I applaud anyone who can come up with a show about little league baseball that could last more than 3 episodes. But let’s be honest, other than me and the guy who wrote this, nobody would be interested in the least.

“Me and Four A##holes” – It’s cool now to have titles of TV shows with asterisks and abbreviations for swear words in the title. I will not give a scenario for this one either. I think it’s titled this way to get more Twitter hits with the hashtag.

“Mr. Mayor” – Spin City.

“No Class” – A high school bully finds out he has been expelled from school. No longer will he have to go to class. He can drink at home and shoot heroin. There’s an imaginary alien too who says funny things.

“Poker Night” – A group of four homosexual friends get together once a week and listen to Lady Gaga. Watch as they struggle through common gay people problems like losing their pink shirts or having their cable company cancel Bravo.

“Sausage” – Being nude in public is frowned upon in the small town of Tokyo, Japan. But that’s not stopping one flasher. He will stop at nothing until he shows every man, woman, and child his sausage.

“Staff Ass” – Business owner Walt O’Faggot is sued by a liberal agenda for hiring only staff members with oddly shaped asses. His company is called “The Oddly Shaped Ass Company” so the trial goes pretty quickly.

“Teachers’ Lounge” – Boston Public taking place in a different city. Probably whichever one the writer is from or currently living in. Michael Rapaport gets shot, eaten by a shark, and becomes a vegetable in the first episode.

“Those Who Teach” – Really? Another one about schools? Last year I submitted one taking place in a school. What the fuck? Seriously? And this is the year they decide they want shows about school? I fucking hate my life sometimes.

Reality star, actress, fat fuck, America’s Sweatheart (yes sweatheart), and oddly colored gnome Snooki recently turned 24 years old. My first thought seeing the news was that she would have been in the same grade as me if she didn’t drop out of school at the age of 6 to pursue competitive eating and non competitive thinking. I’m scared now. So scared that I will grow up to be nothing more than a failure.

I am older than Snooki by a little over a month. That means I am wiser than her. She should call me sir and ask for my autograph. That isn’t the case. If we were to run into each other at a men’s big and tall shop, I would be the star struck idiot calling her sir.

It bothers me way more than anyone can ever imagine to know that Snooki has surpassed me in money, fame, and love. As much as millions of us hate her she still does have her fans out there.

What did Snooki do right that I did not? For one she tried out for a reality show. I’ve never done that. I had the opportunity to be on an MTV show in an episode of a spin-off of a reality show that I forget the name of. My role was going to be “Improv Sketch Comedian in the Park #2”. I turned down the role as it paid nothing and would cost me $40 to get to plus losing a day’s pay at work. The show was never picked up and I like to think it was because it lacked my smile.

Snooki and me have a lot in common already. We’ve both been to Seaside Heights at the Jersey Shore. We both felt incredibly embarrassed when she botched her finisher at Wrestlemania last year. I enjoy pie and assuming that the phrase “we are what we eat” is true, she must like it too. With so much in common why is it that she gets all of the fame and glory? I’m left here waiting to be discovered for my incredible talents while she’s out getting her picture on hamburger wrappers.

This is a plea to all talent agents out there. I guarantee 100% that I can do whatever Snooki can do and I can do it better. No matter what it is I will win. This is also an open challenge to Nicole. Yes, I called you by your real name. I am challenging you to every competition imaginable. Think of it like that part of Billy Madison where they have all of the competitions against one another. I want that with you. We’ll have a race, we’ll mix science chemicals, and we’ll finish it all off with a trivia contest. I will beat you. There is no denying that.

I would like to however give Snooki credit. She has made a career out of being useless and annoying without having to put out a sex tape. This may disgust you, but I would watch a Snooki sex tape if it was handed to me. I wouldn’t go out of my way to find it. I wouldn’t dare risk getting a computer virus to watch her tits bounce around. She doesn’t do it for me enough to risk any of that. But with a DVD of the sex tape was handed to me, I would most certainly watch it.

It’s your move Snooki. Take the challenge or be branded a coward. Branded–I know there’s an easy cow joke in there somewhere, but in the spirit of sportsmanship will not go there.

Random Fact: “Satan” rhymes with “spray tan” coincidence?