Posts Tagged ‘fears’

The scariest thing that can ever happen to a child is to be witness to their parents being brutally murdered in front of them. To be soaked in the blood of the adults who are meant to raise them. The tears that flow from the eyes of the children as the confusion sets in that they will forever be alone. It’s the most terrible thing that can ever happen. The second most terrible thing that could ever happen is having a clown for your birthday.

I never had a clown come over for my birthday. Good. I probably wouldn’t enjoy clowns now as much as I do. Clowns are something I am actually a big fan of. I’m not exactly sure why. I’ve had this fascination with them ever since I can remember. I can’t remember back too far. Probably because a clown did something terrible to me that I now have to block out.

Clowns, by their very definition, are adult males who like dressing as women but hate women’s underwear. That’s how I see it at least. If I ever put out a dictionary, that’s what it will say. I’m the only person I have ever met that is not completely phobic of clowns. It’s a very common fear. Where do I think it comes from? I think it comes from being sane. How could anyone possibly like a clown? They’ve got big red noses, baggy pants, white makeup on. They look everything but human. Unless you count drunk Lindsay Lohan as human. Then that would be a fair comparison.

(Lindsay Lohan is a tramp. And by that I mean a sad clown, not a drug addicted whore)

What would ever draw a man to be a clown? They have such a bad reputation. It’s like someone getting into the radio industry. I have to ask why. It’s a dying medium. Clowns could never work on the radio. They’d work better than a mime, the retarded cousin of the clown, but would not be able to execute anything worthwhile. A clown can do about three things. They can juggle. They can make a balloon animal. They can make a child piss his pants. They also carry around these flowers that squirt water. What douche bags! I guess at this point in history if you’re smelling the flower on the breast of a man in makeup, you deserve whatever it is that shoots out into your eyes.

For a brief time I thought about going to Clown Camp. And by thought about I mean I was at some event at a hotel where they had a bunch of tables promoting different summer camps. The clowns seemed like fun. They run around and squirt water on people. Instead I went to baseball camp. Guess which one I have a better chance at being now, a baseball player or a clown? If you said baseball player then you haven’t seen me field a ground ball.

(My father, Tanner Boyle. He taught me how to play baseball and how to resemble a young member of the Planet of the Apes)

I think clowns though are making a bit of a comeback. Think of every hot chick you ever see online. They always have clown like qualities. They’ll have colorful hair, lots of makeup, pictures of them smiling, pictures of them frowning, and even sometimes you’ll see a hot girl riding a unicycle. Here’s a tip ladies. If you learn to ride a unicycle, you can get any guy you want. The same goes for wearing suspenders. There’s something about admitting how crazy you are that turns us on. The conclusion you can take from this paragraph is that clowns are sexy. Look past the days of “It.” Tim Curry is scary in everything he does. He was a transsexual in the Rocky Horror Picture Show and the mean hotel manager in Home Alone 2. The man is a creep. Don’t let that ruin your opinion of clowns.

(You’ll never eat a Thin Mint ever again without thinking of this)

Now that I’m older I never see clowns. The only time you ever can anymore is at a child’s birthday party. Of course it’s the child of parents who don’t love them. If you have a kid and you’re thinking about getting a clown you probably shouldn’t. Get a cowboy instead. I say that like cowboys are any less gay than clowns. Or get Santa Clause to show up. I don’t care if his birthday is in April, kids love Santa Clause. The only thing he has in common with clowns is the red nose. Santa never hurt anyone who didn’t deserve it. Trust me, there are plenty of people who he has hurt who did deserve it.


This may end up being sort of a series of things that I write about. Most classes are bullshit. They’re ways for failed artists to scam you into giving them money at the hopes that you can one day be as good as they lied about being. To prove my point, think about how much you really learned in any high school class. Not much, eh? Classes for adults aren’t much better.

When I say public speaking classes, I don’t necessarily have a specific group of people that it’s for. I took a public speaking class in college and it was a big waste of time. I had already done public speaking out in the real world, but it was a required course. I’ve never had to do public speaking against my will and that’s the funny thing about it all. They lied to us saying that everyone has to do it. No they don’t! What’s with teachers lying so much? I’ve known a few people that were teachers outside of schools and they seemed like all right people. I’m fairly certain at this point that they just like fucking with kids and making them nervous that “things will be real tough in high school, this won’t fly!” as many of them would tell us in 8th grade. Things never get tough because none of us ever get to the maturity level we think we should be at. Just use common sense and a senior won’t pants you.

I remember very little about my public speaking classes. I know my teacher hinted that he had come out of the closet as a homosexual in his 40s and his wife and children were shocked. I wasn’t. He made a pass at me and would rub beards with other boys in the class. He claimed it would “warm up our jaws” for speaking, but it only warmed up the oppressed gay man who had to share a bed with a yucky woman all those years.

A few things that were big in the class were not to say filler words (uhh, umm, fuckburger, like), maintain eye contact (there was one hot girl in the class, even then I looked at her chest), keep a good posture (a kid with a cane got to sit down for his speeches), and dress above your audience (one kid wore ripped up jeans and flip-flops, I could have shown up naked and been more formal). That was all common sense. The teacher should have shown us videos of great speeches by presidents and said “Do that!” He didn’t though. He made us play stupid games that involved encouraging each other and holding our breath in his pants. It was a waste of time if there ever was one.

The class didn’t make me a better speaker. I wasn’t more comfortable in going in front of crowds. Okay, maybe a little bit, but the thing is that I was with the same 25-30 people twice a week for 3 months. We got to know each other so we were better at standing in the front of a classroom talking to them. How does this help with public speaking? The thing that frightens people about public speaking is the stranger aspect. Anyone can talk in front of a room of peers, but with strangers it’s tough. I have a solution.

On the first day of every public speaking class, the class walks in and take their seats. They start to talk, thinking that the teacher won’t show. Just as people begin to file out the teacher enters, naked. He chest bumps everyone he can and tells them to sit down or he’ll fuck them. They’ll sit down, believe me. The teacher then goes over the syllabus. All the syllabus says is “Take off your clothes or you fail.” The class won’t believe this at first, but a few ringers in the crowd will begin to take off their clothes. After a few minutes, everyone will be naked. An entire room full of naked people sitting in cold chairs. Because the chairs are so cold, they stand. The teacher has everyone line up. He informs them that every week they will be forced to get naked in class. Each class they will be paired up with a different person and for five minutes they have to compliment each other. Then for three minutes they have to be judgmental of each other. Then they fuck. It doesn’t matter if it’s a guy and a girl or a guy and a guy or a girl and a girl, there will be private parts entering private parts.

That lasts for the first month or so. From then on, the class is clothing optional. You can show up in the nude or clothed or maybe you just want to wear a bra and boots. It really doesn’t matter. The class will be like any other public speaking class without the garbage waste of time learning how to gain confidence. You will have already had sex with half the class that you’ll be so comfortable or uncomfortable around them that it won’t matter what you say. They’ve see you and you them in the most intimate of situations. Giving a persuasive speech on why you think animal cruelty is wrong will be cake. On a side note, of course that’s easy. Nobody disagrees. Like the one kid in my class who did his persuasive speech on why smoking is bad. Everyone knows smoking is bad dummy. That’s why people who smoke do it. Also, if you get persuaded by one speech then you’re a weak minded tool. That’s how dictators get elected. So don’t be persuaded the first time you hear something. Learn the answers yourself.

Public speaking classes will really take off if my advice was to be taken seriously. It won’t be though. We’re almost as afraid of naked people as we are of speaking in front of strangers. It’s silly really. We’re told to imagine those we speak to as naked. Why not really do it? There’s nothing to be embarrassed about. We’re all gross out of shape animals. Lets stop living the lie. It’ll make us better public speakers which will help us when we grow up to become presidents, talk show hosts, or public speaking teachers, the only jobs where public speaking really matters.