Posts Tagged ‘fetus’

Here’s a fake news story I wrote a while ago. If you want to read much more well-thought out fake news stories then I suggest going right here.

“Find Your Own Damn Seat Pregnant Lady!” Says New Study

A new study by the Department of Medicine Stuff says that pregnant women have been taking advantage of an old out of date theory that they require special treatment. As it turns out, the study proves that pregnant women need to do things for their own damn selves.

Brock Taylor, Director of the Department of Medicine Stuff, says that pregnant women benefit more by being more independent and not asking others to give up their seats for them on public transportation.

“Pregnant women who choose to stand are far less likely to be pains in the ass,” says Brock Taylor who requested we refer to him by both his first and last name at all times.

“It had long been believed that the extra weight they carried was hurting their legs. Not true. This helps build strength and furthermore reminds them not to get knocked up.”

David Killbaby from the Population Control Agency (PCA) says that he hopes this new information can help do his job better for him.

“I joined a government agency because I was too dumb to be a janitor,” said Killbaby. “I hate my job and I’m hoping if more pregnant women suffer they will be less likely to have kids again in the future. Less kids means less work for me to do.”

Killbaby is not worried about losing his job either as he is a government employee and the son of a politician.

“If they tried to take away my job it would surely end in bloodshed,” said Killbaby.

Additional findings in the study say that pregnant women might be best at eating less while carrying. Studies suggest overeating during pregnancy makes a baby crave food once it’s out which could be why there are so many fat kids these days.

Brock Taylor and his team are working hard to get this information to the public. An interview has been scheduled on a local cable access channel in North Dakota as well as an appearance on Brock Taylor’s brother’s podcast, One Hour with Lenny Taylor.

“It’s important for each individual to take a stand against these pregnant ladies,” said Brock Taylor. “For too long I have been forced to stand on the train and smile at them when they pass by. They also get premium parking too. Our hope is this will finally make things even again, just how our Communist forefathers intended.”

pregnant_doll_2_small

First, apologizes to the many people here who came thinking the title of this was “Da Fetuses.” I never type out “da” instead of “the” so you only have yourself to blame. Please continue to use proper grammar so you never make the same mistake again. Now go back to your rap music where they randomly put apostrophes into the middle of w’ords and suc’h.

A defeatist to me is someone who is there is no hope for. It’s a term I’ve been using a lot more lately. I think it defines many people I encounter. They’re people who have been beaten by the world yet remain blissfully dumb about it all. They’re just happy to not be an obese person who has to leave their home via crane. If I pour out enough positive energy perhaps I can save you from this dreadful fate so many suffer.

How do you identify a defeatist? Well, one way is by looking at the people they have in their lives. Defeatists always have lousy friends, lousy family members, and annoying pets. The friends, family members, and pets always take advantage of the defeatist. They use them for rides, money, and butt scratches. The defeatist lets this happen because the root of their existence is defeat. They embrace being a loser. They’re so sure life is all about being walked over and punished. They insist The Gimp was the star of Pulp Fiction they love punishment so much. You’re only as good as the company you keep. Defeatists keep lousy company. They usually think they have a lot of friends when really their Facebook statuses usually get overlooked.

(Because we all know you are only worth however many Facebook likes you get. Shove that gloved thumb up your ass)

Males tend to be defeatists more than women. Any married man who is pussy-whipped and rarely smiles is a defeatist. They let a woman they don’t even love boss them around. I think a lot of men get this way. I can’t imagine too many guys who marry young not ending up like this someday. It’s not even the wife holding the guy back either. He may also have stupid kids. He’s given up on any dreams he ever had of becoming a professional golfer. He did this because he let life defeat him. He skipped the steps of failing at trying to succeed and went straight to marriage, kids, and a shit job. This is what separates defeatists from losers. At least a loser has tried. At least a loser doesn’t watch The Bachelorette instead of doing what he wants to because the bimbo he married demands he does so.

Women are not so much defeatists because they enjoy pity a lot more than men do. Men have this thing called testosterone. Transsexuals have it too. Don’t let the wig and leopard printed skirt fool you. Those calves belong to a man and you know it. The way I divide women I meet is into three basic categories. There are women who go after what they want and achieve it. There are women who go after what they want, fail, and then take it out on the rest of the world. And there are women who don’t care about anything other than survival. I can handle women who go after what they want no matter what the result. It’s these zombies whose existence is based around continuing to exist that I loathe. Hasn’t Barack Obama taught you anything ladies? If a black man can become president then you can certainly be more than a baby factory. Well, some of you can. There are a ton of women out there who are only capable of spawning children. A little harsh, but that’s reality. Some people are destined to never be good at a single thing.

(Where’s a high tide when you need one?)

Overcoming this travesty you must maintain a positive attitude. I’m starting to become confused what a positive attitude even is. People who bring up the words “positive attitude” never have one. Those who truly are thinking well never put a label on it. They do what they got to do without worrying about whether it’s positive thinking or not. The only people who tell me I’m too negative are people who are negative already. Why would a positive person ever say I’m negative? Telling someone they are negative is a negative thing to say. If I’ve seen you cry twice in the same week or you tell me before noon that you’re having a shitty day then you have a negative attitude. The day is only half over and you’re already calling it a bust. Shut up and stop being mean to everyone if you hate negativity so much.

Waking up one day and realizing I am a defeatist is one of my biggest fears. I don’t want to ever have the feeling that “things could be worse.” Young people who plan on working retail their entire lives are the ultimate defeatists. There’s nothing wrong with working retail. But why when you can’t even rent a car yet would you settle so early? By the time you’re ready to die life expectancy will be close to 90 at least. Do you really want to stock shelves for that long? You’re only young once. Man up, take a chance, and don’t defeat yourself. We really are our own worst enemies. Don’t beat yourself up but beat yourself up because if you don’t beat yourself up as motivation then there’s no chance your life will ever get any better.

(Do it Louis CK without money, crack your skull open. If you don’t do it, no one will)

Do you know anyone who is a defeatist? How much do you want to want to hit them for wasting their life away?