Visual Stimulations

I’ve never been all that into pornography. I know, a male born between the years of ever to present not being all that into porn sounds like a lie. I must be a rare commodity. I’m one in a million for real. I should tell this to girls more often. Say to them “Hey I’m not really that into looking at other people having sex. I truly am unique.” then they feel silly because we just met and they’re handing me back my change. Do you know what I hate about getting back change? I hate it when I get more than quarters in change back. I feel like they judge me that I keep the quarters. I need to do my laundry somehow. My breath, arm pits, belly button, and ass smell bad enough without having to wear dirty clothes. Don’t look at me funny when you see me going through my change. I’m doing it for your nostrils Indian woman at Dunkin Donuts with the nose stud. Stop trying to look 13. End Andy Rooney rant.

Despite my lack of pornographic aficionado-ism I do like looking as sexy images. Mostly in movies though. Without having the Internet at home or cable I have to make do with the DVDs that I own. Problem is I don’t really own any romantic comedies. Say what you want about their implausible plots and predictable endings. The stars of these films are usually attractive in some shape or form. All you have to do is ignore the crappy jokes, the moments of socially awkward attractive women falling down way more than humanly possible, and the tall handsome blue-collar men with beards that seem to have gone unnoticed by all other women on the planet who aren’t starring in this movie.

I’m looking at my DVD collection. That’s actually a lie. I’m sitting on my couch in the dark typing sitting on a blanket with butterflies on it. Let’s pretend I’m standing near my DVD shelf which also contains batteries, thank you cards, and a fingernail. Some of these movies are sexier than others. There isn’t much visual stimulation in some of them though. You may have to be a bit of a movie buff to know the exact scenes I’m talking about. If you’re unsure you should go out and watch it. Most of them are pretty old so I guess you can’t go out and watch them. Unless you’re one of those weird people who watch movies on their laptops outside. You don’t know how much I hope a rainstorm damages your movie night.

Full Metal Jacket:

Not a sexy film by any means. It’s a mostly male cast which could be a problem for a 110% straight guy like me. I can’t even eat the ends of hot dogs or mushrooms because of what they remind me of. Penises. I guess the best scenes to look at for sexual stimulation would be the famous “Me So Horny” part or the end when they kill the female sniper and she begs them to kill her. Sorry if that’s a spoiler. The movie is as old as I am. If you haven’t seen it yet that’s your own fault. The “Me So Horny, Me Love You Long Time” chick isn’t that terrible to look at. At least she’s not dying like the sniper in the last scene. I choose that part, the one with the Vietnamese prostitute over the one with the dying Vietnamese sniper. There’s nothing sexy about dying. The Grim Reaper doesn’t have enough sex appeal for me to ever enjoy it.

(The only marines you can see in this are fat or wearing glasses. We had nerds fighting in Vietnam. No wonder we lost)

Reservoir Dogs:

Again, another mostly male cast. The only instance I remember a woman appearing was the pregnant chick that Mr. Orange shoots in the car. Now you can’t really tell that she’s pregnant or anything. She’s only on-screen for a brief moment. What this means is that I wouldn’t feel creepy being aroused by an expecting mother. She does reach for a gun in her glove compartment and that’s what gets her shot. Chicks with guns are always sexy. I’ve never shot a gun, but would love a subscription to a magazine like “Babes & Ammo” if that’s even real. I’d go into something critical of the jumper the woman wears in the scene, but I won’t because I’m not quite sure if that’s what she was wearing or even what a jumper is. There’s not much of a choice for this film. I have to go with the pregnant lady that gets shot by the Lie to Me guy.

The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly:

I sure do love guy movies with guns. This Clint Eastwood classic, everything but the wagon painting shit of his is classic, does contain a few more woman than the previously mentioned. There’s the Spanish woman in the beginning whose husband gets killed. I don’t think she talks at all which is a plus when it comes to women. Then there’s the part when Angel Eyes finds the woman in the hotel and smacks her around a bit. Again, a pretty arousing scene to see a woman get slapped by a renegade cowboy. I’m kidding, sort of. There’s also a fat woman during one of the hanging scenes with large breasts. She doesn’t do much other than act disgusted at the crimes committed by Tuco, the Ugly. Am I boring you with my knowledge of this film? It’s my favorite so excuse me for that. Clint Eastwood at this point in his life kind of had a female model’s body too. Really tall and thin. If it wasn’t for his five o’clock shadow I would consider any scene he was in as visually stimulating.

(He even stands like a stuck up girl getting yelled at by her mother)

The Mighty Ducks/The Sandlot:

These are just about the same film. I was going to put Bad News Bears in here (I know the original and remake), but don’t feel like trying to come up with a reason why I find Marcia Gay Harden sexy. Too hard! The Mighty Ducks and The Sandlot mostly only have the moms who are sexy, sort of. The mom in The Mighty Ducks is a widow. You know what that means. She’s desperate for attention! The mom in The Sandlot has remarried Denis Leary. All this means is that she doesn’t mind having sex with Bill Hicks cover-comedians. I think the mom might also be Karen Allen who for some reason I do have sexual tension with. Yes, tension. The Sandlot also has the hot lifeguard. If she wasn’t 18 when that was filmed add in “hot to the children” to the last statement.

Fahrenheit 9/11:

Politics aside, this was a pretty good film. I agree less and less with Michael Moore the “moore” he opens up his fat mouth. I like that his last name is Moore because that’s always what he asks for, more. I know, silly fat joke. But stop complaining about the economy. You’re fat. You’re clearly doing well. I haven’t watched this film in a while. But if I had to find something visually stimulating about it I’d probably have to go with clips of Condoleeza Rice. She doesn’t really do anything for me in normal situations, but we’re going hypothetical. If I had never seen a woman before then sure, why not get with Condy? She’s got a nice smile–if you squint. She’s a powerful dominant woman who has proven that she can carry her own. That’s got to be a turn on for me, right? Okay, maybe I’ll skip this one. All of the 9/11 footage would make it almost impossible to get aroused at all. You could throw out as many nude girls as you want at me during this film, I just don’t think I could get anything out of it.

(Definitely the face I’d see if Condy ever read my blog)

What are the least sexy films you own? I bet you’re overlooking something. Really, stretch hard for it. This will be harder for men of course. Women could find SAW sexy if they’re into The Princess Bride. You know, for nostalgic reasons.

Gladiators

Something that every boy thinks about at some point is what it takes to be a man. Lots of cultures have some sort of stepping stone. The Jews have the Bar Mitzvahs. That’s where you gather up everyone you know, they give you presents, then you spit in Yiddish onto an old book of advice thousands of years old. You can’t not spit speaking Yiddish. I think spitting on itself means “good morning, well wishes” in Yiddish. There are some tribes in the world where it takes getting circumcised to become a man. Others where you have to kill a lion. What if while attacking the lion he claws off your foreskin then you kill him? Does that make you double man? As uncivilized as this seems, there needs to be some sort of passage to adulthood for everyone. Something that proves to us that we are now men.

First in order to know what it takes to be a man, you must know what a man is. A man is a male with a bigger penis then a 10-year-old. Yep, that’s it.

Now that you know what a man is we can go onto how to make a man. In Western cultures there are a few options when you officially cross-over to being a man. The most obvious is the first time a boy has sex. That makes you a man, right? Getting a girl to drink beer and pass out? That’s so easy! Girls love beer and other alcoholic beverages. The moment a girl becomes an alcoholic is when they realize their life might be worthless if they don’t give birth. And giving birth is a horrendously disturbing moment. Something THAT big has to come out of something this big? Ummm, no. Another passage to manhood could be when a boy turns 18. All he has to do is survive puberty. That doesn’t seem fair. There are plenty of wimps who do that. It’s like graduating high school. Anybody can do that. Show up and you’ll graduate. Show up and don’t be drunk I should say. Principals are kind of dicks about that. The only other thing I can think of that we see as making an adult is when we vote. I don’t think that’s right at all. Making a decision makes you a wrong decision makes you a man? All 18 year olds do anyway is vote for the Democrats. I think it’s funny when Republicans win. Have you been to a mall? It’s filled with 18 year olds. How do the Democrats not completely overrun this country? Old people can’t control their bladders but they can get in their cars, run over a pedestrian, and cast their ballot for an old white Republican. Voting is easy. If you’re under 50, vote Democratic. Over 50, vote Republican. Then we’ll get a tie and the candidates can possibly battle it out, like gladiators.

I had a girl once say to me that she wished more men were like real men. I took off the sundress I was wearing and sat down next to her to hear more. She explained that to her a real man was a guy who would sacrifice himself for her. A man who feared nothing. A man with honor. She said her ideal man was Maximus from the movie Gladiator. Huh? A fictional character who can’t protect his family and ends up getting killed by Joaquin Phoenix? That’s not a man. Joaquin Phoenix stinks. He stabbed stupid Maximus, who by the way wasn’t very loyal to his dead wife since he started falling for that other lady, and killed him. How does a man with a name that starts with a “J” yet is pronounced like a “W” kill you? I heard that Joaquin doesn’t even kill spiders when he finds them yet dumb Russell Crowe manages to go through all the shit he did to get stabbed by Joaquin, who if you remember wasn’t even very well-trained. Maximus was a well-trained soldier and Joaquin was a gay prince or whatever his title was. Russell Crowe should have let himself die right away and he would have saved a lot of aggravation for everybody. Oh, you might say he saved the dumb kid from his evil uncle but remember, that kid now has to live with seeing his uncle stabbed to death in front of him. That is damaging. Maximus was not a real man. He was a slave named after the butt muscle.

I’ve told you what a man isn’t and I’m still no real closer to finding out what really does make a man. Is it the power in his hand? Or his quest for glory? It’s not really something we need to think about all that much. One day you probably wake up and just are a man. But why the rush to being known as a man? Men pay taxes. They work 40+ hours a week. They drink because they can’t stand their wives. They have to shave every morning. They tuck their shirts in. Men hold doors open for women. Men also don’t care about the feelings of others. This being a man thing sounds so complicated. Best course of action, be mature. Worst course of action, get killed by the brother in Signs.

“Do you like movies with gladiators?” – an airplane pilot asked me this once

String Theories

Donnie Darko is a film about a teenage boy who travels through time, I think. Nobody really knows what the movie is about. Just like how nobody really knows what BUDDHAKAT!!! means. A cat that has reached Nirvana? Seth Rogan is one of the bullies in Donnie Darko which you may not have known. He has only a few lines, one of which being “Lets get the fuck out of here.” It’s a movie that you either love or hate. Unless you’re me. I can’t decide whether or not I like it. The colors are pretty, the theme is dark, and I’m impressed that they got both Gyllenhalls to play siblings. It doesn’t take much for me to like a movie. Just put on two relatives and it doesn’t matter how little I get the plot. I will still enjoy your film.

The main theme of Donnie Darko is about string theory, I think. Shit. This movie is really confusing. Almost as confusing as string theory itself. For those scientifically retarded individuals reading this, string theory is basically the idea of being able to travel on different “strings” of time. It’s almost like you have multiple paths you can go down. You follow the string to meet your destiny. Honestly, I might be completely wrong as to what string theory really is. That’s what I gathered from flipping through a few pages of a book about it and reading the Wikipedia summary of Donnie Darko. Science isn’t my best subject. Home Economics has that distinction.

One string theory I do understand is the one about the piece of string I found in my parent’s bedroom when I was around 10 years old. I was playing with my sister (not like that you pervert!) and we found a piece of string. I don’t remember the color. All I do remember was that it was a short piece of string. Yarn perhaps.

(Warning: This is as cute as this post is going to get. The rest is very gross)

Being 10 years old, my mind assumes that all adults do when they’re in a bedroom together is have sex. I wanted to believe that my parents were in a happy and healthy relationship so I believed that every time they went into the bedroom it was their honeymoon all over again. That’s where my string theory came into play.

Using my lackluster knowledge of science, I concluded that the string I found beside the bed must be some sort of sexual device. For what exactly? How can one small piece of string possibly cause extreme sexual arousal? Well, here’s a list of things that I can think of that you could use string for to get off on.

(Nazi puppet on the right?)

Puppet Master: The string is tied around the penis in a loop with another strand free to tug on. It doesn’t matter what part it is tied to. All that matters is that the penis is fastened in tightly like it‘s about to go on some extreme sporting event. The partner (or wife, because gay sex is a sin) will pull on the string and make the penis wobble to and fro. This action will resemble a marionette puppet and if the kids were to walk in you can always put on a cute show until you can think of a better excuse.

(Native Americans rioting by burning sticks and figs)

Indian Burn: Place the string below the penis and pull each side of the string upwards. Pull the string back and forth (this will be an up motion) causing the penis to receive an Indian burn. The quicker, the better. This would only be suggested for those who are into inflicting or receiving pain. I know who you are! And I want your phone number.

(This was taken in 2003. He still hasn’t figured it out)

Chinese Finger Trap: Both partners tie an end of the string around their erect nipples while facing each other. Then you take a step backwards until it stretches your nipples even further, guaranteeing arousal. The act resembles that of a Chinese finger trip. The device created by the Chinese where the stereotype of them being sneaks came from. There’s no real escape from this. Unless you count escaping a life of sexual repression.

(You don’t know how hard it is to find an Indiana Jones photo)

Indiana Jones: The female partner lies down on her back, legs up in the air. The male partner (or female partner, lesbian sex isn’t a sin) takes the string and in a whipping fashion, whips the vagina of his female partner as hard as he can. Be sure to hit the clitoris. That’s where girls like to be touched. I’ve read that in Cosmopolitan and my sister’s diary.

(Did we really defeat Communism when this was in style?)

Rat Tail: The female in the relationship places the string into her vagina with only one little piece hanging out. This will look like the tail of a rat if done properly. The male’s job is to slowly pull the string it. This is a very rare yet satisfying sexual activity that has been handed down from incestuous family to incestuous family. Also, do not pull too quickly. It could be hazardous.

That’s where my 10-year-old mind was at. I really believed that my parents could do such horrible activities to each other while I tried sleeping on the other side of the wall.

To this day string still freaks me out a little bit. I wonder where it has been and why it smells like balls. I can’t wear hoodies with the strings in them and always have to cut the strings on the blinds off whenever I enter a room. I can’t eat string cheese. Stringer Bell from The Wire made me feel uncomfortable. It doesn’t matter what form the string is in. Thin. Thick. Long. Short. All string reminds me of is my parents being passionate. It makes me almost want to hang myself, but a noose reminds me too much of string.

Human Centipedes

I woke up this morning with the taste of ass in my mouth. It was not pleasant. But it reminded me of the film Human Centipede. It’s been probably around a year since I saw the film and yet I still think about it often. I’m not sure why exactly. Nothing about it was fantastic and none of the characters reminded me of myself. What is it about this film that I can’t shake?

For those of you who don’t know the plot, I’ll sum it up for you. I’ll do my best not spoil it for you. The film has two dumb American women in it who get tricked into getting tied up by a crazy German man. The film was shot in Amsterdam. Is that what the world thinks about American women and German men? That all American women are stupid and German men creeps? Is the world really that smart?

The girls get kidnapped and there’s a pretty good 15 minute sequence that really scared me a lot. Eventually, the German is able to do his evil deed of created the Human Centipede. It involves connecting three people, ass to mouth, to each other making sure that the digestive tract all functions in a straight line. I remember reading somewhere that the science behind it was true. That although the people would die, our bodies work in such a straight line where food can pass through three people and then out of the back. I don’t remember where it was that I read this. Probably a drunk text message.

Today I spent the day wondering which part of the centipede I would want to be. None obviously, but if I had to choose. In the film, the German makes it obvious that the middle is the worst and I do concur. I always agree with a German. Do you know what happens when you don’t? Bad shit!

Maybe if I think it out more that I can prove that this evil man was wrong in his assumption about the middle. I have compiled a list of pros and cons for each position of the Human Centipede:

The Front

The film has a Japanese man as the front. He doesn’t know English so he speaks whatever crazy language he speaks. There are subtitles whenever he speaks so if you’ve thought that this movie isn’t educational, you’re wrong. You can learn this Japanese man’s mysterious language.

Pro:

1) You can still speak

2) No shit goes in your mouth

3) You never have to stare at an asshole if you don’t want to

4) Your taste buds still serve a purpose

5) You can still fool people on dating websites to go on dates with you, even if you use a recent picture with the other two people attached to you cropped out

Con:

1) People will ask how this happened and you’ll be the one who has to tell the story

2) You’ll probably have to be the one to work a job to support all three of you

3) The two people behind you can easily talk bad about you behind your back

4) You still have to go to the dentist

5) If you’re not a natural leader, things are not going to work out well

The Middle

Like mentioned earlier, the middle is the worst at first glance. The crazy German makes the girl he hates most the middle of his crazy creation. I hate being in the middle of things. I’m the middle child and that means the least liked of any family member. It’s not fair. Being in the middle sucks. Ask Malcolm.

Pro:

1) Nothing more is expected of you

2) You will never feel alone, you will always have one person right in front of you and one right behind

3) Only one person’s shit has to go into your mouth (kind of glass half full mentality with that one)

4) For girls, no more men will pinch your butts

5) For guys, no more having to wipe your butt

Con:

1) You can never get your face in Christmas card pictures anymore without an ass being in the way

2) If the front and the back argue then you’ll be stuck there awkwardly

3) No elbow room at all

4) You’ll never be the first person to enter the room, whether your centipede moves forwards or backwards

5) Really hard to put on a shirt or pants, unlike your counterparts who can get at least one on

The Back

Human Centipede had the other dumb American in the very back. I kind of felt in the movie that it was her fault that they were in this predicament in the first place. She seemed more whiny to me. Who takes a drink from a complete stranger even if it is just water? You deserved to eat two people’s shit. 

Pro:

1) You still have the ability to dance or at least kick your feet backwards to the beat

2) That new chair you bought can still get a little use

3) You can still have awkward anal sex, if that’s your thing

4) If you get hit with a baseball, nobody blames you for being stupid, there was no possible way you could have seen it coming

5) Nobody tries small talk with you because you cannot talk and your breath smell terrible

Con:

1) Very easy for someone to have awkward an anal sex with you, against your will

2) If the middle is fat, you will often go overlooking and have to stick your hand out to wave so your friends know that you’re there and you’re having fun

3) You come off looking like a sheep who follows not one, but two people

4) You never get to taste fine wine ever again

5) You’ll have to put all of your money into anal bleaching because that’s all anybody will ever see of you

Now that I’ve listed this all out, I would definitely want to be the front. You can have the most normal life. You can be charming, read books, and kiss girls. Sure, you’ll have two creeps behind you mumbling stuff all day. Remember the most important fact, no butts in your face all of the time. That’s why I would choose to be the front. That and I don’t have a nice enough butt to represent myself.

Quitters

Preface: Okay I lied yesterday. I said that I wasn’t posting anything new until Monday. I got bored so here’s a special treat for you.

“Stick to your day job.”

If you suck at anything, you’ve heard that phrase. I’ve heard it once and it was at my day job. My boss said it and it was her way of telling me to stay around and get a promotion. Now I make lots of money and am the head of the western sales region. I’m glad I stuck with my day job!

I didn’t quit. If the above fictitious story tells you anything, it’s not to quit. Sometimes it’s good to be a quitter. Here are two people who I wouldn’t mind quitting.

1) Tim Burton

He has not made a good movie since 1998. And by good I mean entertaining and somewhat original. Sleepy Hollow did exactly what I wanted it to do for me. It had me entertained. The pedophile from Ferris Bueller’s Day Off gets his head caved in which was awesome. Johnny Rico from Starship Troopers gets his head chopped off next to a bridge which was even better. And Christopher Walken made a cameo as a Hessian only to get his head chopped off and then buried separately from his body. I think I’ve sold a copy.

Tim Burton to me is the most unoriginal filmmaker out there. He can’t make an original movie. All of his ideas are stolen now. It’s like he had some great original ideas (Nightmare Before Christmas, Edward Scissorhands) and then stopped caring. He got married to the chick from Fight Club and that was that. In fact, I like all Tim Burton’s movies pre-Fight Club. The first two Batman movies were awesome. Much better than the stupid Batman Begins or Dark Knight scenes without The Joker. Batman Begins was terrible. The Scarecrow was barely in it. What the hell man? He’s one of the best obscure villains and he’s barely in it. Plus you got that dick-sucking-lipped Cillian Murphy to play him. I don’t have a problem with Cillian Murphy. I just think he should be doing gay porn instead of playing comic book villains.

In this century, Tim Burton has made nothing but duds. Corpse Bride was just Nightmare Before Christmas but with a blue chick. Why not just make it a sequel? At least then you’d be stealing your own ideas. He did Charlie and the Chocolate Factory which was dreadful. The original film is a classic. It made me want to eat chocolate nonstop and that’s all I ever remembered doing as a kid. They didn’t even have music in Mr. Burton’s version. I guess he made up for it with the lousy Sweeney Todd, ripping off the musical of the same name. Look, a movie with Johnny Depp and Helen Bonham Carter, your wife. This isn’t like anything else I’ve seen. Just last year he had Alice in Wonderland come out. For some reason, he thought it would be cool to have Alice be the heir of a world traveler and at the end she would suggest that her dead father’s friends trade with China. What the fuck? You learned all that from talking animals, a pot smoking caterpillar, and Burton‘s butt buddies Johnny Depp and Helen Bonham Carter? Shit. I don’t care if you’re “following the original stories” more closely. The reason that the original films were made the way they were is because the original stories had flaws. People who want to know the original stories will, guess what, read the book!

I have now sworn off seeing any more Tim Burton movies. I have had it with him. I was very excited about Alice in Wonderland, a dark version of it that shouldn’t have ended with Johnny Depp doing a dumb dance. It was shit. Any movie with Johnny Depp is fantastic except when he dances. Please Mr. Depp, if you happen to be browsing every website with your name on it, stop dancing in your movies. Why do I get the feeling that the Illuminati will force him to do a Dirty Dancing remake just to piss me off?

2) M. Night Shyamalan (and no, if I spelt it wrong I am not changing it, phonetic spellings exist for Indian last names)

He’s become a parody of himself. The Twilight Zone was a half hour show for a reason. 80 minutes of boring dialogue with a pretty setting doesn’t cut it for an implausible twist.

M.’s first movie that really made it big was of course The Sixth Sense. He had another before that which had Rosie O’Donnell playing a nun. I remember the trailer for this too and the main kid in the movie saying “You’re so pretty you could be in a calendar.” That line of course not being said to Ms. O’Donnell. Everybody agrees that The Sixth Sense was his best movie. It caught everybody off guard and a kid outside of the theater where I saw it said “That was the best movie I ever saw!” Kids know best. That’s why Justin Bieber has like a billion dollars. Christ I wish I was still blonde.

Then came Unbreakable and Signs which people seemed to enjoy. They were entertaining, dark, and had big names in them. That’s what gets people to go to the movies. A recognizable name. A person is his own product. Maybe that’s where he went wrong with his first real dude, The Village.

The Village had Adrien Brody, Sigourney Weaver, and Richie Cunningham from Happy Day’s daughter in it. The main star of the entire film was Joaquin Phoenix. A guy who was raised in a cult of nuts and the one we all wish had turned out like River instead. He tried to act silly and doing weird schtick to get hype for a movie about him wanting to be a rapper, but it was all fake and nobody cared. He has a hair lip and he’s not as handsome as his dead brother. That was M.’s problem. He could write movies about ghosts but he can only get the surviving family members of them to actually play a role in his films.

Lady in the Water came around at some point. So did The Happening. Those two get lumped together. Nobody likes them. My dad told me to buy his girlfriend Lady in the Water for her birthday one year. I warned him and now he has to breath through his neck thanks to a stab wound. My girlfriend liked The Happening and owns it. The movie sold 3 copies total in the entire world. The other 2 were by suicide bombers needing something cheap to place their bomb wires in.

Somewhere in there M. tried to change genres. He made The Last Airbender. I guess this was a “twist” on his life. Nobody liked the movie and it’s probably because they didn’t know it was based on something that already sucked. It’s the only movie of his that I haven’t at least seen a part of. I never will either. Bending air sounds lame and if it’s the last then it looks like I have a lot of catching up to do! Hardy Har.

From ghosts, to aliens, to plants making people commit suicide, M. has jumped the shark. If he doesn’t get what that means, go ask Richie Cunningham’s daughter who you seem to be so fond of. Her uncle Arthur Fonzerelli can explain it.

“Ehhh!” – The Fonz or every Canadian falling to his death