Posts Tagged ‘films’

I know I said I was not going to be blogging as much and this is my third this week, but it’s mostly because I have actually been home more and have less to say. The less you have to say, the more blog posts you do. The more you have to say, the more likely you are to get shot for having an opinion. Speaking of getting shot, here’s a review I wrote months ago that was supposed to be on some website that never existed and it’s about a movie where a lot of people shoot each other.

My Review of Battle Royale:

If you are anything like me, I don’t mean the manic depression, then you were a little upset with the 2012 hit film The Hunger Games. The film was pretty, had a good story, and it was long which means I got my money’s worth. The problem with The Hunger Games other than no one actually starved to death was that in a film about kids killing each other, things never got very gruesome. For those like me who were upset that many of the death scenes had cutaways, you are in luck because there is a much more violent film where The Hunger Games basically lifted its idea from and it’s called Battle Royale.

Battle_royale_pochette(With Beat Takeshi people! The only Japanese actor named after a fictional band from Doug)

I have been a Battle Royale fan for years now. I even have an old faded shirt I got off eBay years ago. I wear it to bed now more than anything because when I do put it on I have self-esteem issues about my body. I think it makes me look fat. What are not fat are the kids in this movie. Except for one of them, but he doesn’t last very long which really bugged me because as racist as it may sound, I had some trouble telling the characters apart.

Battle Royale essentially is about a group of Japanese high school students who while on a field trip are gassed to the point where they pass out. When they wake up, they are in a classroom. I know I’m sounding nitpicky with one of my favorite films, but I want to point out it would have probably been cheaper if they just drove the bus to wherever they were going and had a few guys with guns push the kids into the classroom. Knock-out nerve gas has to be really expensive. I have never bought any, but it’s not exactly something we ever see for sale in a Walmart circular. I think it’s safe to say nerve gas is expensive and I would have kidnapped these children at a much cheaper cost.

battleroyale(At a comic book convention I actually met the one with the small frame, straight dark hair, and tan-colored clothing pictured here)

A video is played that lets the children know they are on a remote island where they will have to fight each other to the death until only one is left. Sound familiar? It’s not. Battle Royale came out first and the book was published in 1999. The Hunger Games should sound familiar to you.

Questions are raised at this point as to why this is happening. As the case is with subtitled films, a lot may go overlooked because reading during a movie can be tiresome. These students are part of something called the BR Act which was passed after 800,000 students walked out of school without permission from their parents. Think of this as Ferris Bueller to the extreme with a lot more Japanese kids and machine guns.

Battle Royale (1)(I know neither is holding a machine gun, but remember that Asian people are larger than most so it just looks small)

In addition to the students in the class there are two other men in the room with them. These two men are former winners of the game. I never like games that when you win all you get is a chance to play again. Miniature golf does that. I also had a friend win a pie eating contest once and he won a pie. None of these prizes are fair, especially the one about having to kill more people after having killed all of your classmates.

Each student is given a bag at random. The bags contain helpful items like maps, swords, and guns or unhelpful things like a paper fan, a saucepan lid, or a copy of Battle Royale 2. I never saw Battle Royale 2. I heard it’s exactly like the first one so to me it sounds pretty useless.

The film follows these different students as they fight for survival. Some form alliances, others fend for themselves. Others choose to not fight which is ridiculous because if they don’t get down to one person before time expires, the collars on their necks will go off and decapitate them. Maybe that’s why they needed the knock-out gas after all. Kids hate when you put death collars on their necks. The only way you can do it is if they are knocked out. There goes my theory that I’m good at kidnapping children.

 battleroyale5(So if you put a grenade in someone’s mouth their head falls off?)

There are two main characters in the film, a male and a female. Their names are whatever the Japanese equivalent of Katniss and Peeta are. Their characters are not as deep as some of the side characters, some of whom are completely badass evil, but they work for what they are.

I originally fell in love with Battle Royale because of its ultraviolent images. This may indeed be the most violent film I have ever seen. It’s bloody, gory, and has good guys as well as bad ones. Where Battle Royale falls short I believe is that it is adapted from a very complex book. There are times I felt like important parts were skipped over too quickly and plot points were not fully explained. I had to do some reading on this film after viewing it which is actually a good thing because it means I liked the film enough where I wanted to learn more.

a-reading-books-hot-sexy-12(Reading? Hasn’t she ever heard of TV? Or a chair?)

Although at times you may find yourself watching this film not quite sure why this is all happening, it can be enjoyed from a less complex perspective. Did you enjoy the Christopher Nolan Batman films? Those are incredibly complicated. The Dark Knight Rises spoiler alert: Remember how Bruce Wayne’s girlfriend, whatever her name is foreign girl, reveals why she turned on him? It made no sense at all. She spent all those years getting into a business that she knew would get her close to Bruce Wayne. She went to school all for the sake of getting to kill him. It’s like in The Naked Gun when bad guy points out he spent years doing a job he hated just so he could one day kill the queen. And what if the Bruce Wayne girlfriend lady was ugly? Bruce Wayne doesn’t date ugly chicks. So many little things had to be perfect for her to pull that off. It made no sense and still the film was enjoyable.

Battle Royale is not much different in that way. Watch it for what it is, something different and original with graphic scenes of high school kids killing each other.

My review of the film A Good Old-Fashioned Orgy. Don’t expect too many compliments.

From the creative minds of a lot of recognizable faces, but names no casual comedy fan will really remember, comes the story of a group of friends trying to live the American Dream. Scholars will say the American Dream is to have a loving spouse, healthy children, and a fulfilling job. Those things are all fine and dandy for some people. For me, I just want to be involved in an orgy. It’s not even so much being involved in the orgy as much as I would like to be invited to one. What’s wrong with me that this has never happened? Are my friends this boring? Are good old-fashioned orgies something that only happens in a film?


A Good Old Fashioned Orgy was pretty much what I expected. The film stars Saturday Night Live cast member Jason Sudeikis as Eric, an average guy who loves having energetic parties at his father’s house in the Hamptons. For those of you not familiar with the Hamptons, this is where rich people in New York spend their weekends and think up new ways to screw over the poor. An anonymous source tells me they’re thinking about eating us next.

When Eric finds out his father has put the house on the market, he freaks out a bit. This will be the last summer him and his motley crew of friends have to throw their awesome parties. It’s a little hard for me to feel sympathetic for their situation. The last party I was invited to was after a funeral and I think I was only invited because I was mistaken for someone else. I guess I just have one of those faces.

Eric’s best friend, the overly sexual and overweight Mike, hatch up a plan to have an orgy with their best friends. At first everyone is reluctant to join in. The promise of sex though seems to be enough for some once they begin to realize an orgy with your friends is not so strange. The characters in this film have known each other since high school. What’s there to really talk about at this point? That’s the beauty of sex. You don’t have to lie about being a doctor when you’re doing it. Of course you have to lie about being one in order to get it usually, right? Please tell me I am not the only one.

doc02(This could easily be Photoshopped into making me more attractive to the opposite sex)

The first portion of the film follows as Eric and Mike try to convert the others. With personal problems arising in the lives of others, they see an orgy as the only thing to cure what ails them. The process shows just how close these friends really are. I have enough trouble getting my friends to accept Facebook friend requests. Maybe I should introduce myself to them in real life and stop referring to people I look at through a binocular’s gaze as a friend.

There are three staggering issues I have with this film. I use the word staggering because I have never used it before and it’s on my bucket list. Also on my bucket list, eating lunch tomorrow. I set my goals low so I can actually achieve them.

My first problem with the film is it isn’t very funny. There are certainly jokes throughout, most just aren’t all that great. I laughed out loud a few times which I believe is a requirement of a comedy. Being able to recognize humor is different than actually feeling humor. You can say someone is ugly, but until you’ve puked thinking about their face, are they really?

sandra_bernhard_435x290(I used to think Sandra Bernhard was Julia Roberts when she was going through a dark phase in her life)

Second, this movie is about an orgy and there is no nudity other than a fat man’s ass until nearly the end. Nothing against man-ass, I’m just not that into you. We see one pair of breasts and even those don’t last very long. If you plan to watch this movie for the boobs, don’t. I watch every movie for the boobs which is a bad habit I have. Let’s agree to never do it again because we always leave disappointed, don’t we?

Probably the most important thing that bugged me about this movie was the plot. The simple having an orgy thing was fine. The subplot was what really was half-assed. Eric ends up interested in one of the realtors trying to sell his father’s house. She’s incredibly forgiving whenever he behaves like an idiot which really annoyed me because I act like an idiot all the time and everyone always runs. Sometimes they even grab a cab if it’s not rush hour. The whole plot with Eric and the realtor is incredibly underdone. At no point did I care if they ended up together. They also seemed like two people who never really bothered to get to know each other. I want a relationship in a film, even one mainly about an orgy, to be realistic. Show the flaws, the insecurities, and the boring nonsense we all have to do when we get to know someone.

Here’s another review of a movie I wrote for that website that never ended up existing. I’m trying to post this on weekends when fewer people are sitting at home reading blogs. I didn’t post one last weekend though and nobody seemed to notice or care. I only mention this so if you are sitting at home alone on the weekend you know you’re not the only person out there hated by society.

My review of Serpico

In an episode of It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia, the character Charlie Day dresses up like the character Frank Serpico, the title character from the film Serpico. I didn’t really understand the jokes from It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia because I had never seen the film. I laughed anyway because sometimes that’s what you need to do when you realize you are an uncultured idiot.


Serpico is pretty much the start of Al Pacino behaving like an insane person on screen. If you go back and watch The Godfather you will see he is actually a pretty normal guy with a normal speaking voice. Scent of a Woman came along and now for some reason Pacino who was once a respected actor felt the need to yell rather than act. Yelling isn’t acting Mr. Pacino. If that were the case then the greatest actor of all-time is my grandpa whenever he saw a black person anywhere near his property.

Based on a true story, this film follows a New York police officer named Frank Serpico. Surprised? The name Serpico always made me think of the fake James Bond villain from The Simpsons, Hank Scorpio. Frank Serpico is much different. He’s an honest cop who gets tired of doing things the normal way, dirty. He begins to dress in street clothes and by that I mean like someone who lives on the street. He wears a poncho, a bucket hat, and he refuses to shave. In today’s world Serpico would be an ironic hipster who enjoys wearing clothes that completely clash with one another. Back then though he was trying to look like the average street dweller.

hipster(Do you know how many girls in their 20s this look would attract these days? Even if the hat looks like a lampshade, he looks jobless and girls dig it)

The story shows how one man tries to take down a corrupt system. The fact it’s based on actual events is what makes this film work. If this was simply a made-up idea then it would be complete crap. Frank Serpico is a great character with a lot of animation bother physically and verbally. Other than him there are no standouts which I believe must be true for a movie to entertain when it’s about a topic not near and dear to our hearts. Personally, police corruption is not something I really think about. It’s a world I will probably never enter, at least until I give up being a fan of extreme couponing.

Serpico is a film listed as a classic on Netflix. Indeed it is a classic, but do not confuse this with many of the other better classic films out there. For what it is, this is a fine film. The biggest problem is probably that it’s 40 years old. Do you know an actual person who is 40 years old? Think about how flawed they are at this point. I’m sure when they first came out they were pretty with it. At this point the haircuts look strange and the technology is not outdated. And as is the case with many 40 years olds, at times this many drags along a little too much.

serpico charlie(A scene from the episode of It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia because no actual clip could be found on YouTube. How? There was even a cat in the episode. Everything with a cat is on YouTube)

This film is not for action fans or people expecting to see Al Pacino shoot a lot of bad guys. Serpico is a true to life story about knowing the difference between right and wrong. If not for the subject matter, this film could have easily been Disney flick.

In my attempt to share as much with the world as I possibly can because I’ve found more good happens the more I share, I am going to let you all in on a part of my life that I’ve been somewhat quiet about. I try to make it no secret what I want in life. I want a mansion, chicks banging at my door to get in just to look at me, and happiness forever. I’m actually afraid of mansions (horror films), chicks never bang at my door to look at me (my face), and in general I’m pretty miserable (again, my face). All that aside there is still something I’ve convinced myself I can do. I want to get paid to write movies, TV shows, and anything else I can.

Sometimes when I tell people what it is I want to do I feel like a little boy. It is a little boy’s dream. It was my little boy’s dream. Ever since I can remember I have wanted to be Mel Brooks. I met my best friend of 20 years because we both loved Spaceballs in kindergarten. In a way my life was kind of scripted out how it would go. Although I didn’t get real into writing until about 3 years ago, it was always in the back of my head that it was something I wanted to do. I saved up my money for my entire life thus far so I could have the opportunity to have more time to pursue this dream. I’m unemployed now but because I was responsible (cheap) for the last 25 years I can relax a bit and go after what I want without having to tie myself down immediately to a crappy job.


(Who said a uniform makes a job a good one?)

Okay this introduction was boring. What I really wanted to tell you blog friends was the first step I took toward my little boy fantasy. There’s this website called The Blacklist. Wait until I’m finished to check it out. Basically it takes the best scripts as judged by Hollywood professionals and they use an algorithm to determine the favorites each year. At the end of the year a list is produced. Many of these films go on to become major motion pictures. Argo and Django Unchained are two recent films that made this list not too long ago. What I’m saying is getting on this list means you’re a lot closer to getting that mansion with the whores.

In the fall this website opened up to the public. Everything I read about this opportunity seemed real legitimate. All you had to do was pay $25 a month to host the script on the site and any of the professionals could download it at any time. In November I finished up something I had started on Memorial Day and paid the $25 submission fee. Not too many people looked at it so I paid an extra $50 to get a guaranteed review. While sitting at my dad’s on New Years Eve because I have no friends, I got an email saying I received my first ever professional review from a real-time professional pro reading professional pro person. They get paid to do this is what I’m saying.

buddy 2

(How I spent my New Years Eve)

Now if you don’t mind, I would like to share with you the review I was given. I’ll put any of my comments in italics nearby:

(Not bad so far. The average rating on the site when I got this rating had an overall 6.82, it has since gone down to 6.79 which means I am above average. I was going to be happy just knowing I got above a 4 considering nobody else had ever read past page 10 of the script)

Era: Present day

Locations: the Middle Eastern city of Nakajabulahantishistamene (I love the fact that they had to type this all out)

Budget: Medium

Genre: Comedy, Spoof/Parody

Pages: 107

Logline:When an all-American rocker loses his popularity, a terrorist recruiting center in the Middle East hires him to write popular music that will appeal to young, aspiring terrorists. (It’s really supposed to be a caricature of the Proud to be an American singer as an arrogant asshole, but I guess their logline sounds more professional)

Strengths:This is a bold and outrageously unique premise in the hands of a writer who ultimately has the right sense of humor to handle it – a strong and consistent comic voice throughout this script with truly funny, tongue-in-cheek prose. Cliff is a distinct and laughable character, and the use of certain comic motifs (like the Nickelback jokes) really add to the script’s humor. (I like to think nothing else in the history of the world has had comic motifs surrounding Nickelback jokes)

Weaknesses:If this script has one major weakness, it’s that its plot doesn’t develop as much as it could. While the plot is generally well-paced, with things happening to the characters, there isn’t really an overriding tension, or developed enough central dramatic conflict, to keep the audience engaged in the story. While the consistent humor may succeed in keeping the audience engaged anyway, a bold premise such as this has more potential to make a political/cultural statement with its plot, engaging an audience on an intellectual level, than this script currently does. If Cliff experienced more of a character arc (even if it was to become more despicable), it may make the plot more engaging. On a lesser note, some of the dialogue – especially in the third act – feels excessive, affecting the overall pacing of the script and losing the audience’s attention. For example, Cliff’s several lengthy monologues may pack more of a punch if shortened or broken up by some action.

Prospects: While the writer’s talent and comic intent is clear, this script nevertheless uses some bold stereotypes that may limit its potential audience and make it a risky venture for major studios and certain production companies. That said, with very specific packaging(actors/creatives who have previously pulled off this type of irreverent comedy), and perhaps some attention to the above-mentioned weaknesses, this script may have the potential to market well, especially with 18-24 year old males.

Okay so I didn’t put too many italics in there because it seemed tedious to do. I have since uploaded two new versions which I believe help fix what was wrong with it. The funny thing about it is they say the Third Act is a little weak. The Third Act is where I did half-ass it. I had no idea what to do. I stopped writing it for 2 months I was so lost. All this makes me think is how much intuition I have into knowing what works and what does not work. Or maybe I’m just right about one thing. Either way, this made me really happy to find out the same things they found wrong with it were the same things I thought they might.

If you want to take away anything from this post it’s that I’m awesome and you should go out and take a risk for something you want because you might be pleasantly surprised and have it make you really happy like this did. Look for Friends With Terrorists to open in theaters sometime in 2078 when it is incredibly easy to get a movie made.