Posts Tagged ‘finances’

Everything gets blamed on the economy these days. No matter where you are there is no escape. You can’t be like LILY IN CANADA!!! and flee the country. I don’t think the economy really has much of an effect on most people. Sure, if you lose your job or your business, you are effected. But not after a lot of other people lose money. That’s something called a scapegoat. I learned that word today. It comes from ancient times when goats would escape and everyone would blame it on a reason other than the fact that they forgot to close the door. At least, that’s where I think the term comes from.

I will admit that people don’t have as much money as they would like. That is all I will admit. Look at your last bank statement and tell me you really needed to spend your money on most of those things. Were Ja Rule concert tickets really that necessary? Is he even still alive? The economy doesn’t stink. Our ability to find cheap forms of entertainment does.

It now costs around $10 to go to the movies. That is ridiculous, especially with how many bad movies there are out there. A Foot Loose remake? Really? There are human beings with the same DNA frame as myself that thought, “Hey lets remake Foot Loose.” Then there are thousands that will look in their newspaper and say “Hey, they remade Foot Loose. Lets go.” It makes me want to scream. Not dance, scream. Even the theme song should make you want to burn down your local theaters.

Everybody cut loose,

Foot Loose,

Kick off your Sunday shoes.

You cannot rhyme loose with loose and then rhyme it with shoes. Walt Whitman would be turning over in his grave if his body wasn’t shot into space per his request. If you’re going to make a musical, make sure you know how to rhyme first. Start with Dr. Seuss and work your way up. Seuss rhymes with loose! Couldn’t you have used that?

Back to the topic at hand, a less important one than shitty Hollywood remakes. We have no money because things cost more. And not only that, we want things that cost more. Here are some things that most of us own that we didn’t have 10-15 years ago and an estimated price:

Cell phone ($100)

Cell phone bill ($50 a month)

Ipod ($100)

Ipod downloads ($20 a month)

Laptop ($600)

Internet bill ($20 a month)

Electrical bill ($100+ due to all of the new gadgets that we need to plug in)

Cable bill ($100 at least a month)

Video games ($50 each)

Video game system ($200-$300 each)

And those are only a few things that I have come up with that I think a lot of people are spending their money on. Notice how they all involve sitting in a room alone? Concert tickets, sports tickets, train tickets, gas, designer scarves have all gone up as well. By a lot too! It used to cost $20 to take the train up to NYC from my old hometown, 50 miles south of NYC. Now it’s $30. That’s a 50% increase for you math whizzes. This is why people are going into NYC an occupying Wall Street. Because they’re pissed off about having to spend $30 to get there. Plus they had to download a few new songs for their iPod for the trip. It makes me furious too!

Quick question. Why is it that everyone who owns spinners on the tires of their cars can’t afford to live in a nicer neighborhood? They’re the same people who always complain about how the government is out to screw them. They can’t afford to feed their kids, but they can afford to make their tires spin at a red light. That’s called having poor priorities.

I don’t care how anyone spends their money. If you earn it legally (fuck you drug dealers, thieves, and teamsters) then you have earned the right to spend it on whatever you want. Just don’t expect for your salary to rise because there’s some new gadget that works the same as another, but has a new name to it.

I don’t have a solution to this problem other than becoming Amish. You never read things on the Internet about Amish people complaining about the rising cost of living. It’s because they live simple lives with barns and other essentials in their life. It’s a strange way to live, but maybe we can be a little more Amish. It’s hard to feel bad for someone with a Bluetooth, a cappuccino, and a college degree who thinks that blocking traffic at City Hall is going to make a difference. It makes me want to side with the evil Illuminati once and for all because of your pure stupidity. Life isn’t that expensive. Learn to make a sacrifice if you have problems paying for stuff. Ask yourself, do I really need this? You might be a little happier because of it.

“Creed is good.” – Gordon Gecko, Wall Street, Fan of bad music

I don’t go out to eat much, but when I do, I’m not sure how much to tip. The standard is 15%. But then sometimes I hear 18%. I usually aim for 20% and round down. Or up. It depends on my mood and how much cleave my waiter or waitress is showing.

A lot of people are bad tippers. It’s not even one type of person that suck at tipping. We can’t profile who will and who will not be a bad tipper like we honestly probably could with who and who will not blow up an airplane. If you’re with a baby, you’re not blowing up a 747. That still might not be as bad as when your children cries and you don’t discipline it. I’ll take falling thousands of miles to my death than hearing a child whine. Not disciplining your child on a plane really is an act of terrorism.

That’s why a mandatory guide is needed to help those who do not know how to properly tip. Seeing as I am the closest thing this universe will ever see to a Supreme Overlord, my recommendations should be taken into account immediately.

0% – There are few instances where a tip of nothing is needed. If the waiter craps on your sandwich, punches your wife, then signs your children up for the army, then yes, don’t give them a tip. Otherwise, leave something. Even when you do a crappy job at work you get paid. They deserve the same type of respect for their incompetence. Plus, they’ll know that you didn’t just forget. It’s like mouthing “fuck you” instead of actually saying it. Has a different effect.

5% – This is a real message tip. It’s saying that you didn’t forget to tip, you’re not bad at math, and the server plain-old-sucked. I still think it’s a little low on what you should tip, even for a crappy server. That’s about a buck on a $20 tab. However, a 5% tip is completely allowed if the server doesn’t smile at you the whole time and pokes your stomach while asking you if you would like dessert. It’s rude of them to do that. And the same reason why I don’t go back to Ruby Tuesdays.

10% – This would be what I’d give a server who was very bad. Maybe less even. It takes a lot for a server to piss me off. They always seem stressed even when restaurants aren’t crowded. I don’t know if that’s a hiring policy for the places I eat at or not. They always seem to be sighing and then stand with their friends and joke around while my food gets cold. I’ve never worked a service job so it’s hard for me to relate. A 10% tip is very justified if your food is late, the server isn’t very apologetic, or they continually make mistakes. Most restaurants don’t have fancy menus. I find it hard to confuse “no onions” for “extra sour cream.”

15% – I guess this would be the poor-man’s average tip. It’s still about 10% more than any European would ever tip, which is good. If you’re a 15% tipper than you should talk with a French accent the whole time. The server will be pleased and their self-esteem will raise. In France, 15 means 100. That’s why they are 85% less efficient than the rest of the world. They still eat snails over there. Yuck! I should probably stop talking about the French and instead talk about 15% tips, but I got nothing.

20% – As I mentioned earlier, this is what I generally tip. When the service is exactly what I expected, that’s what they get from me. I’m never a bother when I go out to eat. I’m way too passive in fact. I never give an attitude to a server, unless it’s a hot girl. I’m hoping that I can piss off a cute waitress enough that she’ll spit in my food. That way it’s like we kissed through a proxy sandwich. (I literally caught that I typed “killed” instead of “kissed” right before posting this. My mind is in a dangerous place)

21% or more – This is for those high rollers. I don’t think I would ever tip this much, unless I got some sort of special deal. Anybody would be welcome to tip this much. I would never tell someone not to put money out into the world. When should you tip this much? Simply, whenever you wish to. It feels good to give a nice tip to someone. Unless they’re hotter than you are. Then it feels like they get every break in the world possible.