Posts Tagged ‘flogging the dolphin’

I’ve never been all that into pornography. I know, a male born between the years of ever to present not being all that into porn sounds like a lie. I must be a rare commodity. I’m one in a million for real. I should tell this to girls more often. Say to them “Hey I’m not really that into looking at other people having sex. I truly am unique.” then they feel silly because we just met and they’re handing me back my change. Do you know what I hate about getting back change? I hate it when I get more than quarters in change back. I feel like they judge me that I keep the quarters. I need to do my laundry somehow. My breath, arm pits, belly button, and ass smell bad enough without having to wear dirty clothes. Don’t look at me funny when you see me going through my change. I’m doing it for your nostrils Indian woman at Dunkin Donuts with the nose stud. Stop trying to look 13. End Andy Rooney rant.

Despite my lack of pornographic aficionado-ism I do like looking as sexy images. Mostly in movies though. Without having the Internet at home or cable I have to make do with the DVDs that I own. Problem is I don’t really own any romantic comedies. Say what you want about their implausible plots and predictable endings. The stars of these films are usually attractive in some shape or form. All you have to do is ignore the crappy jokes, the moments of socially awkward attractive women falling down way more than humanly possible, and the tall handsome blue-collar men with beards that seem to have gone unnoticed by all other women on the planet who aren’t starring in this movie.

I’m looking at my DVD collection. That’s actually a lie. I’m sitting on my couch in the dark typing sitting on a blanket with butterflies on it. Let’s pretend I’m standing near my DVD shelf which also contains batteries, thank you cards, and a fingernail. Some of these movies are sexier than others. There isn’t much visual stimulation in some of them though. You may have to be a bit of a movie buff to know the exact scenes I’m talking about. If you’re unsure you should go out and watch it. Most of them are pretty old so I guess you can’t go out and watch them. Unless you’re one of those weird people who watch movies on their laptops outside. You don’t know how much I hope a rainstorm damages your movie night.

Full Metal Jacket:

Not a sexy film by any means. It’s a mostly male cast which could be a problem for a 110% straight guy like me. I can’t even eat the ends of hot dogs or mushrooms because of what they remind me of. Penises. I guess the best scenes to look at for sexual stimulation would be the famous “Me So Horny” part or the end when they kill the female sniper and she begs them to kill her. Sorry if that’s a spoiler. The movie is as old as I am. If you haven’t seen it yet that’s your own fault. The “Me So Horny, Me Love You Long Time” chick isn’t that terrible to look at. At least she’s not dying like the sniper in the last scene. I choose that part, the one with the Vietnamese prostitute over the one with the dying Vietnamese sniper. There’s nothing sexy about dying. The Grim Reaper doesn’t have enough sex appeal for me to ever enjoy it.

(The only marines you can see in this are fat or wearing glasses. We had nerds fighting in Vietnam. No wonder we lost)

Reservoir Dogs:

Again, another mostly male cast. The only instance I remember a woman appearing was the pregnant chick that Mr. Orange shoots in the car. Now you can’t really tell that she’s pregnant or anything. She’s only on-screen for a brief moment. What this means is that I wouldn’t feel creepy being aroused by an expecting mother. She does reach for a gun in her glove compartment and that’s what gets her shot. Chicks with guns are always sexy. I’ve never shot a gun, but would love a subscription to a magazine like “Babes & Ammo” if that’s even real. I’d go into something critical of the jumper the woman wears in the scene, but I won’t because I’m not quite sure if that’s what she was wearing or even what a jumper is. There’s not much of a choice for this film. I have to go with the pregnant lady that gets shot by the Lie to Me guy.

The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly:

I sure do love guy movies with guns. This Clint Eastwood classic, everything but the wagon painting shit of his is classic, does contain a few more woman than the previously mentioned. There’s the Spanish woman in the beginning whose husband gets killed. I don’t think she talks at all which is a plus when it comes to women. Then there’s the part when Angel Eyes finds the woman in the hotel and smacks her around a bit. Again, a pretty arousing scene to see a woman get slapped by a renegade cowboy. I’m kidding, sort of. There’s also a fat woman during one of the hanging scenes with large breasts. She doesn’t do much other than act disgusted at the crimes committed by Tuco, the Ugly. Am I boring you with my knowledge of this film? It’s my favorite so excuse me for that. Clint Eastwood at this point in his life kind of had a female model’s body too. Really tall and thin. If it wasn’t for his five o’clock shadow I would consider any scene he was in as visually stimulating.

(He even stands like a stuck up girl getting yelled at by her mother)

The Mighty Ducks/The Sandlot:

These are just about the same film. I was going to put Bad News Bears in here (I know the original and remake), but don’t feel like trying to come up with a reason why I find Marcia Gay Harden sexy. Too hard! The Mighty Ducks and The Sandlot mostly only have the moms who are sexy, sort of. The mom in The Mighty Ducks is a widow. You know what that means. She’s desperate for attention! The mom in The Sandlot has remarried Denis Leary. All this means is that she doesn’t mind having sex with Bill Hicks cover-comedians. I think the mom might also be Karen Allen who for some reason I do have sexual tension with. Yes, tension. The Sandlot also has the hot lifeguard. If she wasn’t 18 when that was filmed add in “hot to the children” to the last statement.

Fahrenheit 9/11:

Politics aside, this was a pretty good film. I agree less and less with Michael Moore the “moore” he opens up his fat mouth. I like that his last name is Moore because that’s always what he asks for, more. I know, silly fat joke. But stop complaining about the economy. You’re fat. You’re clearly doing well. I haven’t watched this film in a while. But if I had to find something visually stimulating about it I’d probably have to go with clips of Condoleeza Rice. She doesn’t really do anything for me in normal situations, but we’re going hypothetical. If I had never seen a woman before then sure, why not get with Condy? She’s got a nice smile–if you squint. She’s a powerful dominant woman who has proven that she can carry her own. That’s got to be a turn on for me, right? Okay, maybe I’ll skip this one. All of the 9/11 footage would make it almost impossible to get aroused at all. You could throw out as many nude girls as you want at me during this film, I just don’t think I could get anything out of it.

(Definitely the face I’d see if Condy ever read my blog)

What are the least sexy films you own? I bet you’re overlooking something. Really, stretch hard for it. This will be harder for men of course. Women could find SAW sexy if they’re into The Princess Bride. You know, for nostalgic reasons.