Posts Tagged ‘football’

Today is the first full day of the NFL season. I’m so excited, one of my nipples is slightly less puffy. Here is a comprehensive list of several NFL teams and which country would best represent where they currently stand.

football

 

(It took me far too long to realize this is the wrong football)

Seattle Seahawks – The United States

The defending champion Seattle Seahawks would have to be the United States. The USA is the most powerful country in the world in most ways. They have a few other things in common too. Both have great defenses and are a little too arrogant.

Dallas Cowboys – Russia

The Dallas Cowboys might be the most hated team in the NFL. That’s not to say Russia in the most hated nation, however, recent events has them held in a negative light. Even in times of turmoil, both Russia and the Cowboys are seen as potential threats. Come the fourth quarter with everything on the line, it would be interesting to see who performs better–Vladimir Putin or Tony Romo.

Pittsburgh Steelers – England

A team filled with great tradition, the Pittsburgh Steelers represents England well. England was a powerhouse for a long time throughout history. Now a more peaceful country far less focused on imperialism, they still have plenty of worldly success. Steelers’ fans and the English have their greatest triumphs from long ago. This still doesn’t mean things can turn around immediately for either.

Jacksonville Jaguars – Madagascar

Irrelevancy, easily forgotten, and few free agents even contemplating a visit has the Jacksonville Jaguars and the island nation of Madagascar as nearly identical. I hear both have pretty nice weather too and only one is poorly run by its general manager.

New England Patriots – China

The best selection to represent China would be the New England Patriots. Completely contradictory based on the team nickname, the Chinese are still a perfect match. They have each gone through long periods of success with very little downfall. More importantly they march to beat of their own drum not caring what anyone else thinks. Their spies are both pretty good too.

San Francisco 49ers – Canada

This seemingly odd pairing does have merit to it. First, the city of San Francisco and the nation of Canada are very progressive thinking places. Second, the 49ers are currently the little brother of the championship Seahawks the same way Canada is the younger sibling to the United States.

Green Bay Packers – Japan

Japan cares about their history and image as do the Green Bay Packers. While you may never find anyone in Japan wearing a giant fake cheese on their head, this humble nation would be a good representative of the Packers organization. For as great as the Packers usually are it’s never really thrown in anyone’s face. The Japanese never brag about inventing Tamagatchi Pets.

Buffalo Bills – Mongolia

Even after multiple attempts at winning a Super Bowl the Buffalo Bills always failed. In a very similar fashion, the Mongolian Empire always came up short when trying to invade China. The Bills had Scott Norwood and the Mongols had the Great Wall of China stopping them; both very wide right.

Cleveland Browns – Cuba/North Korea

The Cleveland Browns might just be the most embarrassing football team in the league. Art Modell would play the role of Communist dictator well in this story of the team representing either Cuba or North Korea. It doesn’t really matter because both are a little too clumsy to ever do any serious damage.

butt fumble

Fantasy baseball is starting again soon and I hate to repeat team names. Last year I was the Miami Carlins and the Atlanta Slaves.

miami carlins

 

atlanta slaves logo

 

I also played fantasy football. My team name there was the Cleveland Drowns.

cleveland drowns

As you can see, they got progressively harsher and specific.

Here are some potential baseball names I may go with this year and football ones I have thus far:

Philadelphia Willies – Symbol is a bunch of penises

New York Getz – Symbol is Lethal Weapon character Leo Getz near the Statue of Liberty

Los Angeles Rogers – Symbol is a bunch of people named Roger like the black kid from Sister Sister

Toronto Blue Gays – Symbol is a bunch of upset protesting gay people/Chris Crocker crying/Blue Man Group sex picture

Houston Castratestros – Symbol is a penis without any balls

Los Angeles Angles – Symbol is a right angle

Tampa Bay Lays – Symbol is a bag of potato chips

Cincinnati Beds – Symbol is a bed

Cincinnati Meds – Symbol is one of those pill cases with every day of the week

Cincinnati Dreads – Symbol is a guy with dreadlocks

Cincinnati Peds – Symbol is a bunch of famous pedophiles

Arizona Diamondslacks – Symbol is a pair of pants with diamonds on them

Chicago Rubs – Symbol is a Vietnamese woman giving a massage

Milwaukee Jewers – Symbol is someone haggling the price down

I’ll stop there with baseball. For football I only have two so far:

Kansas City Queefs – Symbol is a vagina fart

Philadelphia Keagles – Symbol is a vagina tightening exercise

Any other suggestions are welcome.

Right now I’m at the craziest Super Bowl party imaginable. It’s so crazy we’re not watching the game and it’s just me at home eating an apple. Nuts, eh? For the sake of nothing and posting something here are two old things I wrote about football. Consider it Super Bowl foreplay.

Quarterbacks (all about why I’m better than Tim Tebow)

High School Football Experiences (all about how I avoided getting raped)

american-football-01

One topic I have avoided writing about on this blog is my time on the high school football team. I have avoided it because I don’t want you to feel like a lesser human being. I was a pretty fucking big deal on the team if I do say so myself. Should I tell you now that I’m being sarcastic when I say I was an important cog on the football team? Okay, I will. The marching band had more of an effect on the outcome of the games than I did. It had nothing to do with skill but everything to do with heart.

(Like the Tinman, I lacked the heart it took to play football. Unlike the Tinman, I didn’t get cancer from a movie role. Did the actor get cancer or is this one of those Urban Legends?)

It’s not that I sucked at football or anything. In fact, in 8th grade I was Defensive Most Valuable Player during intramurals where I led Mrs. Chernoski’s homeroom to a championship picture. Yes, all we got was our picture taken together. My biggest play was during the championship game. My class was losing by a touchdown. For some reason the douchebag quarterback (redundancy) on the other team decided to pass the ball instead of running out the clock. Fuckface (trust me on this one, he was an awful human being and both of his best friends are dead now which is completely irrelevant but I want you to know there is at least some sick justice in the world) threw a long spiral through the air. Guess who was standing there to catch it because he was too slow to catch up with the rest of the team? Me! I ran it back half way down the field and on the next play my team tied the game which led to two more games until finally we sealed the deal. Considering I was 5’7 200 pounds and could actually move fast while my classmates were on average 5’5 120 pounds it was no surprise I was so incredibly dominant.

Naturally when high school came along it was clear I should play football. The thing about high school football though is it’s nothing like 8th period intramural flag football. You have to wear equipment, know plays, and exercise. What??? I played football almost every day at recess in middle school and trust me on this, I was amazing. I would have made a perfect tight end in high school thanks to my size and ability to catch the ball and not have consideration for the physical wellness of others. It looked like in high school I would find my niche.

The football team had an “open invite” to any freshman interested in joining the freshman football team that summer. Only about 15 kids showed up and I was one of them. Our duty was basically to stand around on a July day and give the mean black kids water. Coaches made us run a little bit too which I have never been a fan of doing. One kid found a football and we had our own little game. Mr. Gatto, fattest coach with a lisp who is rumored to have a gigantic penis (The Gattoconda), came over and told us to stop playing football at football camp. We were only there to observe. This was the moment I started to really hate football and everything about it.

(From what I heard this was pretty much what he looked like showering)

Actual practices for the freshman team started in mid-August. Mid-August was my annual trip to the Poconos with my dad and sister so I missed the practices. This was not a big deal until I came back. I went to a practice and everyone already had a position, knew plays, and a kid named Byron who decided to go by Wesley (what the fuck?) had already quit. I felt incredibly far behind in every aspect. I didn’t even know they made footballs without “Nerf” written on them.

The first real practice I went to was terrible. Another freshman was in the same position as me, a black kid named Lenny. We were the only two kids on the team without uniforms. The coach didn’t make a big deal because I was built like a football player and he assumed Lenny could run really fast, he could. I spent this practice running and getting equipment while wondering in my head what I had gotten myself into.

I have and never will be a big football fan. It took playing Madden for me to even understand the sport. I do not like football because: 1) There are not enough games. Football has 16 regular season games a year, one game a week. Baseball, my favorite sport, has 162 regular season games and there’s a game almost every night. 2) It’s mean. 3) Doug Flutie killed my family. 4) It’s tough to come up with real reasons. People say baseball moves slowly but at least it isn’t mostly clock watching. Clock watching makes me think of being at my grandmother’s where the only thing to do is watch the clock and look at her old Johnny Carson tapes she has sitting around.

(If Doug Flutie had a huge gay following they’d have the perfect name)

It was clear my career as a high school football player was not going to happen. I started thinking up as many excuses in my head as to why I shouldn’t stick with it. My excuses were 1) I had asthma and asthmatics always die during football practice. 2) My parents were too busy and wouldn’t be able to pick me up or take me to practices. 3) I didn’t know any of the plays and we had a scrimmage in a week. 4) Doug Flutie killed my family. 5) That whole showering with the same kids who make fun of you for being fat doesn’t seem like fun. 6) High school sports are for dicks.

I slid a note under the coach’s office door explaining to him that I would not be able to commit to the team due to personal reasons. I thanked him for the opportunity and he probably had no clue who the note was from. It took me longer to write up a letter of resignation than time I spent on a football field. What would have happened if I stuck with it? I predict I would have been really good. I would have been incredibly dominant, possibly gotten a scholarship, and in college football I would have been a sought after 7th round pick (that’s the last draft round). In order to do that I would have had to get even fatter than I already was. I didn’t and I will probably not die at 42 from Lou Gehrig’s disease which I think you shouldn’t be allowed to get if you play football.

The moral of the story, I don’t like football and I would probably have a lot of traumatic memories if I stuck with it. Thank goodness the rest of my high school experience was so honky dory. Tomorrow, the time the science teachers gave me a massive wedgy.

Football season has started. This means people who like football talk about nothing but football and people who dislike football talk about nothing but disliking football. The latter are still talking about football. It’s such a popular sport in America that you can be a murderer, a drunk, a drug user, a wife beater, and still get a shoe deal. Because who doesn’t want to own the same shoe as the guy who slammed the accelerator of his car to run over an innocent pedestrian?

(Donte Stallworth was charged with DUI manslaughter on April 1, 2009; he surrendered to police on April 2, 2009, and was released on $200,000 bail.As a result of a plea deal, he received a sentence of 30 days in the county jail, plus 1,000 hours of community service 2 years of community control, and 8 years probation. He has also received a life-time suspension of his Florida state driver’s license.On July 10, 2009, Stallworth was released from county jail after serving 24 days of a 30-day sentence. Fucking lovely)

When most people think of Pennsylvania I don’t think they’re thinking football. What do people really think about when they think about Pennsylvania? At least when you hear New Jersey you can think about some idiot on a boardwalk. The thing about New Jersey though is we have no real identity. Everyone in my state either associates themselves with New York or Pennsylvania. We have one major league sports franchise that play here and actually admit to playing here, the New Jersey Devils. The Giants and the Jets play in New Jersey but they are so embarrassed they bought a PO Box in New York to deceive everyone else around the country.

Pennsylvania actually is a big football state. There is a city called Jim Thorpe after the old-timey player. He grew up in the area, I hope. It’s a middle of nowhere city with nothing to offer society. At least Hershey, Pennsylvania has Hershey Park, the only theme park based around high blood sugar. Even Chevy Chase, Maryland is better than Jim Thorpe City. If Chevy Chase can have a city named after him then I’m sure one day we will get Chris Kattan, Wyoming.

(This is the most offensive image I have ever seen. There’s a line to comedy, this is way over it)

The real thing I wanted to point out about Pennsylvania Football Fans is they have to be really loyal to stick with it. They also have to throw away any morals. We’re all well aware about Jerry Sandusky and the things he did at Penn State. Penn State is a gigantic evil force whose cult stretches across the entire state and beyond. It’s sick how loyal some of these fans and alumni can be to a school that could cover up such horrible crimes. The most egregious statements people make are defending Joe Paterno. There are few people I would defend forever. Most of them have seen me naked. I’ll never understand being able to stay loyal to a school that did what Penn State did. The Subway I used to go to raised their sandwich prices 25 cents and I boycotted going there. Suckers of the Penn State dick, what you used to love about the school has changed. Admit you were fooled by the douchebags in charge there and move on.

(“That’s right, I’m fucking you all over. And I’m so old and senile I don’t realize my hand should be turned the other way around to say ‘fuck you.’ Why am I dressed as a pilot? Why do people who give a shit about me after what a liar I was?” – Joe Paterno)

The actual NFL has a lot of problems in Pennsylvania. Quarterback for the Pittsburgh Steelers Ben Roethlisberger may have his name come up in spell check but he is still a massive asshole. The guy has been accused on numerous occasions of treating women like Jerry Sandusky treats the age of consent laws, with little respect. Big Ben’s worst crime was statutory rape. I’m always willing to believe a woman might be lying especially when it happens with someone with money. The erotic thriller Wild Things has proven to me to never believe anything anyone says during a rape trial. But seriously, was the pool scene in that movie completely overrated or did I get a copy of the film where it was edited down? That’s the last time I rent a movie from the library for the nudity. As far as Roethlisberger goes, he’s a womanizing ass and with as many accusations as he’s had, I’m sure at least one is true.

(Wonderful, I get the version of the film where the pool scene is almost completely cut out. I think I got the gay version because Kevin Bacon in the shower hanging dong lasted for half the film)

Of course there is still Michael Vick for me to comment on. I hate this guy. I’ve decided to follow this football season and become a fan of any player who injures him. People still defend the guy. I don’t live near Pittsburgh so I’m not sure how much Roethlisberger’s troublemaking dick gets brought up but Vick’s dog killing ways is a constant subject. There is nothing about Vick I find redeeming or feel-good. The media attempts to say he’s a changed man who got a second chance. A second chance? Nobody accidentally runs a dog fighting ring then drowns the losers. People accidentally call the wrong number or invade Iraq. The thing people say about Vick is that he has “paid his debt to society.” The guy never served a term for animal abuse. He went away to prison for the gambling. It pains me to know Vick is out there making millions of dollars and sucking ass on the field anyway. Please, any linebackers reading this, crush this guy’s skull into the ground.

(Redemption is when someone who was beaten down by the world rises up and accomplishes something great. Michael Vick’s story has nothing redeeming about it unless he ends up eaten by dogs. Please. Please. Please)

(Let’s pray one day Michael Vick ends up in this bag or one similar to it)

Football fans living in Pennsylvania, how do you do it? How do you find interest in a sport in your state when everyone seems to be a pedophile, a womanizer, or animal abuser? Maybe you should try hockey. The most well-known hockey player in Pennsylvania is Sidney Crosby. He’s a cry baby but at least I’m pretty sure he’d never hurt another human being with except with tears.

Set. Down. Blue 42. Blue 42. Set Down. Hut. Hut. Hut. Hike!

That’s quarterback talk for “not yet not yet not yet not yet not yet not yet not yet not yet not yet okay now!” I could never be a quarterback. Chances are, even if you don’t know much about sports, you know what a quarterback is. They’re the players in football who throw the ball. You know their names. Tom Brady, Michael Vick, Peyton Manning; quarterbacks are mainstream. You know them for dating super models, killing dogs, and enjoying Oreos with their ugly brothers when they themselves are already ugly. Oreos don’t make you ugly by the way. Ugly people just happen to like them. And if you like Oreos you’re not automatically ugly. Oreos are the best cookies in the world. That’s why when someone calls a half-black half-white person an Oreo it should be a compliment and not a racial insult.

A new quarterback has taken over as a famous dude. His name is Tim Tebow. If you’ve turned on ESPN, attended any sporting event, or use the Internet then you’ve at least seen his name or heard something about him. I don’t know much about the guy. Mostly because the more I learn about someone the more I hate them. That’s why being ignorant to my Tebow knowledge is a good thing. I have enough millionaires to hate. One more would be too many.

However, I do have one issue with Tebow. We share a first name. This is something that I cannot deny or change until I legally change my name. I shouldn’t be forced into a new identity because of the association with the name. That’s not fair. I am better than Tim Tebow. This is why.

(He’s clearly stuffing his crotch)

1 -Tim Tebow has a reputation for starting off poorly and making incredible comebacks. Me? I’m consistent. I usually start off poorly or mediocre and continue that trend. I’m a straight line of success or failure. It all depends on how you hold the chart. If I was quarterback for the Denver Broncos they’d be 0-16. You’d know not to bother watching. With Tebow, you get nervous and eventually he will disappoint you. Not with me. What you see is what you get. A winless season.

2 -Tim Tebow does not have sex. It’s against his beliefs. His morals. Okay grandma, what’s the gimmick? Tebow is devoted to his belief in God. He likes to sing religious songs. He prays after good plays. I used to pray. I would pray for my family and loved ones to be safe, happy, and healthy. You couldn’t meet a more miserable group of people with a lot of health problems. We are pretty safe though. 1 out of 3 isn’t bad. That’s almost what Meatloaf said. I don’t like when religion is brought in somewhere that it shouldn’t be. Lots of people feel this way with Tebow. God didn’t help you win those games. Poor defensive and inappropriately setting up in a Nickel Package did. Look me, pretending I know football strategy. I haven’t played Madden since 2005 but I still sound like I know what I’m talking about.

3 -Tim Tebow went to college in Florida. Do you know who else went to college in Florida, Carrot Top! Shit that isn’t good. Brooke Hogan went to college there too. Hulk Hogan’s favorite sex was a Florida alumni. I only know this because my friend went to the same college as them and knew that his life was over. I think Tebow was a Florida Gator. Gator? Too lazy to spell out the whole word? Tim Tebow takes shortcuts. That’s a coward’s way to live. I never take shortcuts with words. I always spell them all the way out. That’s how you know I’m legit.

4 -Tim Tebow has a term named after him, Tebowing. It’s what people say when they came from behind and win. I don’t have anything named after myself. Actually I do! Boiling. When you take something and cook it so hot that it begins to boil, that’s called boiling. My last name is Boyle! Boyling and Boiling are only one letter off. And since Y is only sometimes a vowel you can easily replace it with any other vowel of your choosing. I win Tebow. I had something named after my last name before you.

5 -Tim Tebow is younger than I am. I’m older and have more knowledge of the world. Tebow’s had everything handed to him. Women who he turned down, money that he probably donated to charity, and compliments which he humbly denied. Me, I work for my shit. I tell jokes and lie to women to get them to like me. I prance around like a monkey to get noticed. With money I do things I don’t want to do. I have to sit a lot too. It’s hard work. All that staring at a computer has damaged my eyes! And I most certainly don’t give away that money. Why should you give away a gift? That’s racist. I also always thank other for compliments. If you humbly deny a compliment it’s like telling the person who complimented you that they’re stupid. Tebow is a jerk.

6 -Tim Tebow probably knows all of the words to a couple of Jesus Hymns. I used to know all the words to Smashmouth’s song All-Star. He probably also has a favorite Bible Verse. I’m sure it’s probably John 3:16. My favorite Bible Verse is Austin 3:16, and that says “Tim Tebow I just whooped your ass.”

7 -Tim Tebow’s name comes up as incorrect in spell check. Mine does not. Do you know what else comes up in my spell check? Terd. So does the word turd. Which one is the correct spelling of terd/turd? I know, Tebow. Because Tim Tebow, that’s what you are, a terd/turd.

8 -Tim Tebow plays football in Denver. I remember another person from Colorado. His name was Alferd Packer. Not Alfred, but Alferd. He was accused of cannibalism during the gold rush and ultimately convicted. There’s a musical about it. I’ve never eaten another person. I’ve thought about it. Never have. How can we trust that Tim Tebow won’t get lost in the woods and eat the rest of his party? We can’t. Stay away from Tebow. He’ll eat you.

I could go on forever about how I am better than Tim Tebow. I’ll stop here because he’s a sensitive guy and might cry. I really don’t mind him. From what I’ve heard, he’s a swell guy who at least pretends to care about others. I’m also not a football fan. Our paths will probably never cross. Even at the annual Tim Convention that’s held every year in Dallas I doubt I’ll see him. We run in different circles. Maybe he’ll read this though and stop and say hello. He’ll mend the fence that divides us. I will take that opportunity to prove to him in person that I am better than he is. Push-up competitions, sexy dance-offs, first quarter passing percentages, I will probably win them. But he’s still a nicer guy than I am. And it’s like the saying goes. Nice guys always win.

Jock Insults

Posted: September 19, 2011 in September 2011
Tags: , , , , , ,

 

I wish I was a jock. Prison movies have taught me one thing. If you want to get respect from the people you want to become, you have to find the biggest guy there and take him on. That’s why in my journey to become the ultimate jock I have decided to come up with insulting nicknames for some professional jocks, old and current. These nerds will be quivering in their mansions once they see what I have to call them.

 

Alex Rodriguez – Alex Clodriguez

John Elway – John Smellway

Peyton Manning – Peyton Womanning

Prince Fielder – Princess Fielder

Lou Gehrig – Lou Gay-Rag

Tom Brady – Tom Lady

Tony Romo – Tony Homo

Gregg Maddox – Gregg Buttox

Kurt Warner – Kurt Weiner

Chase Utley – Lace Buttley

Jose Reyes – Jose Gayes

Gordie Howe – Nerdie Howe

Wayne Gretzky – Plain Gretzky

Larry Bird – Mary Terd

Magic Johnson – Magic Johnson

Mike Schmidt – Mike Shit

Ryne Sandberg – Ryne Blandberg

Tug McGraw – Tug McCock

Warren Sapp – Boring Sapp

Michael Strahan – Michael Strayham

Kevin Youkilis – Kevin Guys-You-Kiss

Manny Ramirez – Fanny Ramirez

Moises Alou – Moises A-Poo

Joe Montana – Joe “Hannah” Montana

Bart Starr – Fart Starr

Johnny Unitas – Johnny United-Ass

Steve Yzerman – Steve Eyes-On-Men

Chris Carter – Chris Farter

Mitch Williams – Bitch Williams

Hank Aaron – Spank Aaron

Randy Moss – Mandy Sauce

Sam Bradford – Sam Nadterd

Tim Thomas – Tim Mom-Ass

Peter Forsberg – Peter Terdsberg

Joe Sakic – Joe Sacklick

Sammy Sosa – Sammy So-So

Robin Yount – Robin Cunt

Don Mattingly – Don Fattingly

Clayton Kershaw – Masterbayton Kershaw

Joe Flaco – Joe Faggo

Allen Iverson – Allen Cryverson

Vance Worley – Pants Girly

Pat Burrell – Fat Girl