Posts Tagged ‘getting older’

I’m still in my 20s. It feels like I’ve been in this decade of life forever. I barely remember 19 and 30 still feels real far away. I suppose your 20s are supposed to be the best, right? You’re at your physical peak and you have quite a bit of disposal income because odds are someone hasn’t/you haven’t sat on your/someone’s semen and gotten pregnant.

After living enough of my 20s, I have come up with a list of the worst moments from this decade of pestilence excellence.

The Worst Moments From Your 20s

Whatever you decide to do with your life or force your kids to do with theirs, just make sure you never lie to those who choose differently; unless you want to. What do I care?

When I was a teenager everyone kept telling me things would get better once I hit my 20s. They lied. From 20-29 there are enough horrible moments to make me wish I was back to being a pimply-faced teenager with no direction in life. That was not a good time and to say I would sometimes rather be back there than where I am today says a lot about how hard “the greatest decade of our lives” can be.

1) When An Ex Gets Married:

Some of us wish our exes well. Others wish our exes would go to hell. It doesn’t matter what your relationship with your ex is after separating, seeing an ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend get married to someone else can really sting. The best way to get through this is to remember that marriage is a bond that is very expensive to break. Your ex is either going to be stuck with the same person for the rest of their life or have to get a second job to pay to end it. Loneliness never seemed so perfect.

2) When A Secret Crush Gets Married:

This is even worse than when an ex gets married. At least with the ex you had the chance to experience what life with them is like. When a secret crush you were stuck in the friend zone with for years finally seals the deal and removes their chastity belt for someone else you will literally feel your soul fly out through your mouth. You will have so many horrible thoughts racing through your mind. The only positive is that you will find the opening wedding massacre scenes to the Kill Bill movies really hilarious.

3) When College Ends:

In theory, college is supposed to prepare us for the real world. No. College delays progression into the real world. When you are in college everything seems so bright and hopeful for the future. When it comes to an end you hear Axl Rose’s voice in your head screaming “Where do we go now?” College’s finale opens up a lot of opportunities. Most of those opportunities involve job rejection, increased responsibilities, and bill paying. Suddenly, the Van Wilder movie makes a lot more sense to you.

4) When A Parent Dies:

When you are in your 20s your parents will on average be in their 50s or 60s. This is the age when parents begin to die. My mom died when I was 23. Blink-182 was kind enough to inform me nobody would like me at that age, but they skipped out on letting me know how much it sucks when a parent passes away. Perhaps worse than your own parent leaving this world, is when it happens to a friend. You have to look up the definition of empathy then learn how to show it. Remember, you’re in your 20s. Empathy and compassion are not your strong points.

5) When Friends Ditch You:

At some point in your 20s a good friend is going to cease contact with you. Heck, several will. You may even feel the need to do it to some of them. In your 20s you finally begin discovering who you are. Your first ten years you don’t care who you are. The teenage years are spent confused and alone. By the time you’re in your 20s you have a good grasp on things, or so you believe because you read some sociology book. There is nothing wrong with having new friends and moving on when the old ones run out of interesting things to say.

6) When You Reconnect With Old Friends:

One of the most overrated moments in life is the reunion. Your late 20s is your high school reunion, something I suggest avoiding. I am already plotting on how my high school reunion will be filled with stories about how I went crazy and live in the mountains now. I may have to hire a guy for that to spread the rumors. Reconnected with old buddies is fun until you see how old they got. Chances are, you got old too. If you ever see me together with old friends, watch your step. The floor is covered with broken dreams.

7) When You Find Out How Old Celebrities Are:

Nothing and I mean nothing can break a person’s spirit more than looking up the age of a celebrity, athlete, or musician they are a fan of then realizing the celebrity is younger. I feel as if I have to quit being a hockey fan because most of the superstars would have been freshmen when I was a senior in high school. The most constant celebrity I think my generation looks to is Kurt Cobain. It’s hard to accept that I am older than Cobain was when the Nevermind album came out. By no means am I an old person, but I feel as if my time at ever becoming a rockstar has already passed. I probably should have learned how to play the guitar if I wanted it that bad.

8) When Your Friends Have Kids:

Lucky for me none of my friends have had kids yet. My friends have enough trouble getting a reply on OKCupid let alone having another person interesting in starting a family with them. When people have kids, especially younger ones, they change. Their life becomes all about protecting those runny nosed mini-clones. Granted, I think your life should be about that when you become a parent. It is one of the greatest undertakings anyone can make. The bad comes in when you are the outside observer. Everything comes back to the children. You are forced to look at hours of photographs of the baby doing the same thing, practically nothing. For the sake of making everybody’s 20s a little bit better, I plan to wait until at least 30 to have children. There’s no way I plan to have a child until I at least stop behaving like one.

9) When You Look In A Mirror:

Recently I was browsing Facebook and saw the page belonging to someone who used to make fun of me for being fat. He was shirtless in a picture and he was fatter than I am now. This is something that happens to a lot of people as they age, they put on weight. In your 20s you don’t have to worry about much else other than the weight gain and slight balding. I am one of the lucky few who look a lot better now than I did a few years ago. To be fair I had nowhere to go but up. Mirrors are still my enemy. They are a blunt friend who never cares about your feelings. They are the first girl I ever dated.

10) When You Look At Your Bank Account:

Nothing is more important than money. I don’t say this in an “I’m all about the money” way. I really would rather never have to deal with money. Unfortunately I do not live in a country where body hair works as currency. The problem with money and being in your 20s is you finally have some and for the most part have no clue how to spend it the right way. Few people in their 20s have their careers set, especially in the first half. Many bank accounts belonging to people in their 20s have a number lower than their weight, which is already at an all-time low for some because food isn’t cheap. Keep in mind, each time you check your bank account the odds of them making an error and putting a million dollars in there increases drastically, so check it often. I’m being sarcastic. You have to wait until you’re in your 30s for them to ever make that mistake.

freddie-prinze-sm

(“This makes no sense to me. I shot myself in the face when I was 22.” – Freddie Prinze)

One thing old people like to do is talk about how much physical pain they are constantly in. Maybe there’s some award given out weekly to whoever hurts the most. They’d make it annual but by the way old people make their bad backs sound it’s hard to know if they’ll even be alive that long. As I grow older I too have constant pains in my body. Today I take a page from the book everyone I know over 30 owns. Today I complain about my everyday pains.

(Dedicated to you three and the worst career choice you ever made)

My most common constant pain is in my left hip. It’s not so much painful as it is discomfort. I’m pretty sure it’s just tight or maybe loose. I guess if I knew the problem I could solve it. I can constantly rotate the hip and get it to pop somewhere near my ass cheek and hamstring. I have also noticed I cannot bend this hip as much as my right one. That’s how you know you have too much free time, when you know the range of motion you have on one side of your body as opposed to the other. How am I trying to solve this hip pain? Make it pop as often as I can and hope for some reason that works.

Probably related to my stiff hip is something in the back of my left knee. I’m thinking I either hyperextended or need to hyperextend my knee to make it better. Knee pain has always scared me because not only is that a sensitive and important joint, it’s also a weird-looking one. I mean really, is there anything else that looks like a knee? Knees remind me of unformed fetuses. My knees are also knobby which means I don’t wear shorts in public to avoid public ridicule. How am I trying to solve this pain? I’m posting about it on a blog wondering if anyone has any suggestions on what I should do.

(Apparently these are knobby knees belonging to someone named Brian, so maybe my knees aren’t knobby, just odd)

My right shoulder doesn’t hurt nearly as much as it used to but it does hurt. A few weeks ago it became so painful to the point I started looking up rotator cuff exercises to do. Most involve embarrassingly lying on your side and moving your arm in a motion nobody should ever move an arm. I took a week off from exercising while I was on vacation and whatever was hurting seemed to heal itself up. I’m like wolverine in that way. Like my left hip, my right shoulder is not nearly as flexible as my left shoulder. I tell myself this has something to do with pitching 3 shutout innings in little league when it really probably just has something to do with having poor posture. How am I trying to solve this pain? I stretch my shoulders a lot and whenever possible I stand up. Once I even iced it down with frozen broccoli.

I believe the worst pain a person can ever have is head pain. My head constantly hurts. Well, not really. Sometimes I’ll become incredibly frustrated and say aloud “Why does my head hurt so bad?” when really it doesn’t. I guess this would qualify more as emotional pain than anything. I have had phases in life where I have gotten frequent headaches though. The vein above my right temple will pop out and you can literally see it throb. Why am I such a veiny person? The nurse who used to give me my allergy shots said she liked my arms because they were thick (chubby) and should could always find a vein. I can only think of three other people who said they liked me arms and 1/3 of them were straight male friends, or so they claim. How am I trying to solve this pain? I take frequent hot showers. Too bad that sometimes ends up burning my eyelids. Why am I so gross?

(This is how I look after a long hot shower. I wouldn’t wear that color though. Too light and would clash with my eyes)

What constant pains do you always have? Please, nothing in the bathing suit area. I’m not in the mood to pretend not to be grossed out by you.