I had a lot of trouble coming up with a title for this piece. It is a piece after-all, like a beautiful musical symphony or a large serving of chocolate cake. There is no exact name for the type of people I want to talk about here, at least none I know of. In fact there are two kinds of people who have been bothering me so much that I had to write about. The first person is someone we all know. The second person is someone they know and adore. Seems simple enough, but what bugs me is when the first person talks about the person they adore like they’re a big dicked Jesus. Hopefully you have no clue what I’m talking about because I’ve wanted to stab people over this social problem.
Basically what will happen is you’ll have a friend, family member, or other person you have to be nice to because there’s something they offer that you need. They will then do one of two things. They will either tell you about someone they know or they will introduce the person they know into your life. Okay, there’s nothing wrong with that. The problem occurs when the person you know begins talking about the new piece of shit. And like I said earlier, they talk about that person like they’re Jesus with a gigantic sexual organ which I guess is the most amazing simile I could come up with.
(Big dicked Jesus gives “Second Coming” a whole new meaning. Was that a pun?)
I don’t mind hearing nice things about other people. Sure, it annoys me a lot to hear someone say something like “Brad is so wonderful. He’s funny, smart, and knows magic tricks. Nobody is as good as Brad.” Unless I’m Brad I don’t really give a fuck about how perfect the guy is. Why tell me how great someone else is? Why not have me meet the prick and make my own assumption. This has happened to me a lot. People will hype someone up to me and I meet them and you know what, I wonder what my friend finds so endearing.
Reasons for this to happen are many. One can possibly be Brad is in fact so fucking amazing that everyone he encounters has to brag about knowing him. I doubt it. I’ve never met someone worth bragging about. Sorry. And for the record, you shouldn’t have a reason to brag about knowing me. I take shits, I use racial slurs, and I cry. I’m nothing unique, special, or worth hyping up. If I want to impress someone I can do it on my own. I don’t need someone else mentioning my good qualities. If you really like supporting someone to a creepy degree, become a wrestling manager.
(Jimmy Hart, one of the greatest guys to ever walk someone with talent to a ring to pretend to fight)
Another reason people do this could be their own insecurities. When in doubt blame insecurities. Trust me on that one. If someone cancels plans on me I know it’s because they’re having a last minute social phobia. If someone constantly makes fun of the way others look it’s probably because they hate what they see in the mirror. I know this because I’ve done them both. Certain people I believe are so insecure that they use other people’s good qualities as their own. They think if they have some amazing friend that maybe you’ll think better of them. No. I never do. Was Richie any cooler because he was friends with The Fonze? Of course not. But he also had red hair which means it’s impossible to be cool.
(I don’t care if you have a varsity jacket on. You’re a Ginger reading a book. Such a square. Korean draft dodger. Other 50s references)
The final reason I want to hypothesis for this aggravating social assault is people doing this because they are evil and think this is a way of actually bragging and belittling others. It never works. When someone tells me someone they know is really great I know they’re not because usually the person telling me is pretty flawed. If someone existed and was so incredibly amazing and could do no wrong I have no doubt they would not associate with anyone I have ever met. People like this simply don’t exist.
My biggest peeve about this whole faux pas is why if you’re going to praise someone you not praise someone to their face? If you like someone tell them then shut up when you’re near other people. Simply put, I don’t care about people you like. Why? Because they are people who you like, not me. Maybe one day I will learn to like them too and we can get together and eat their ass or whatever it is you fantasy about doing to them. Until that day comes don’t bother telling me how great anyone is unless they’re me.
Girlfriends, boyfriends, mistresses, personal assistants, relatives, coworkers, children, friends, neighbors, professors, roommates, and celebrities have all been people I’ve been told were wonderful and ended up hating even more because you put them on a pedestal. It’s like telling me Superman is indestructible then later on mentioning his Kryptonite allergy once I point out the person’s flaws.
Do you know anyone who gives you these personal recommendations and you end up hating the person? Please say you do. I don’t want to be alone.