Posts Tagged ‘girls’

The weather is warmer which means pretty girls are showing off and ugly girls are lucky that I often have sweat in my eyes and treat them with some respect because due to the sweat in my eyes I cannot quite make out how unattractive they are which if I could see them I would probably have a disgusted look on my face.

I think I handle myself pretty well in the presence of a pretty girl. It’s very simple. I treat them badly. I act like they mean nothing to me. I value their opinion as much as I would that of a caterpillar. The only difference is a caterpillar has never told me about her boys problems and I felt obliged to listen like I have in the past.

When I think about it this isn’t some strategy. I don’t treat pretty girls badly because I know it’s what will make them attracted to me. I do it because I’m a realist who knows the chances of a pretty girl randomly approaching me with a proposition are very unlikely. It’s a lot of work to win a girl over and this just isn’t work I am willing to put in right now. Can you believe women expect us to learn their names now?

Sometimes my interactions with beautiful women come off as cold and malice; I think. This is just working on assumption. I don’t small talk with anyone really let alone someone I find attractive. When I see a pretty girl on the street I think of all of the mean things she is probably thinking about me without knowing anything about me other than I have been following her home for way too long.

My comfort level with the fairest of the fairer sex is usually awkward because I have nothing to say to an attractive woman other than to drool over her. I know she doesn’t want that and certainly I don’t want to be it to her. I tend to live my life on extremes. I can either chuck semen at you by the handful (my natural instinct) or act as if you are the Elephant Man, whom for the record I would not throw any semen at.

If you happen to be a pretty girl reading this and I treat you badly I would like to apologize to you. My intention was to show you respect the only way I could which just happened to be ignoring everything you say.

mila kunis(Fuck off Mila Kunis. I don’t have time for you. You don’t like me anyway)

Breaking news, I am not perfect. The most recent time when I shaved my head, I missed a spot behind my ears. I had to snip it off with some scissors. This is just one of the very few things I have not done perfectly in life.

Instead of putting myself down and listing out all of my imperfections, I am going to list out other people’s imperfections, most notably, imperfections girls have that I kind of like.

Pimple Scars: I wrote a whole post on pimple scars before and how I kind of like them. I know, weird. It’s not the pimple part or anything I like. It’s the scaring. That’s not it either. That makes it sound like I would have sex with Mickey Rourke. Keep in mind pimple scars are not good on everyone. They work best on ethnic girls or Amanda Bynes. They only work well on Amanda Bynes because I think someone needs to sand paper her face a bit she’s turning into such a bitch.

amanda bynes crazy(Me? Obsessed with Amanda Bynes? No! You’re obsessed with my non-existent obsession!)

Alien Shaped Heads: One time I heard one person say to another person, “You’re so pretty! That’s weird because Guatemalans are usually so ugly.” If that isn’t a backhanded insult if I ever heard one. An Alien shaped head is essentially a girl with a big forehead. One of the prettiest girls in my middle school gained weight in high school and her forehead got bigger. One kid I knew called her The Predator. Admittedly, I kind of like these alien shaped head girls. When a girl’s head is too big for her body, I have to get to know her, at the very least to insure my protection once her family invades.

coneheads3(Something like this)

Big Gums: There’s something about Mary, but there is also something about girls with big gums. I saw a girl on a train recently with big gums and huge bags under her eyes. I was getting ready to cut off a testicle to prove to her I was willing to commit. When I say big gums too I mean more in a Miley Cyrus way and less of a Butthead from Beavis and Butthead way. The big gums should rarely come out. When they do though, expect to see my smile.

mr.ed_(The longer I stare at it the more I appreciate Equus)

Shy: Is being shy an imperfection? Probably. Obesity is a disease now so shyness has to be an imperfection. I like shy people in general. It only becomes a problem when they don’t open up when the situation is a comfortable one. I like girls who are initially shy. It shows their insecurities and I have less to be afraid of when I say to her “Don’t just stare at it, eat it” when I get her on all fours. Or all fives. An extra arm or leg is another imperfection I may not mind.

shy girl(Look at her and how shy she is. Everything is left up to the imagination. Or maybe she’s cold. Yeah. I bet it’s the cold)

At Least One Chronic Painful Body Part: I would say my chronic pain comes from my left foot, my left knee, and my left hip. I think they’re all somehow related. It’s not that I want people to suffer, although some I do, but I like the idea of a girl not being able to do something that I can for her. Like a girl with a hurt shoulder will never ask me to play tennis with her. I hate tennis. It’s badminton for pussies.

leg injury(He’s making the right face. He’s not faking. Owww!)

Ditzy/Clumsy: Whoever I end up marrying better die when she steps off a ledge accidentally because she’s that dumb and clumsy. That’s all I have for this.

ditzy-little-miss-ditzy(Why does a ditzy girl have to look like the hemorrhoid in a hat with Cheeze Wiz hair?)

Too Perfect of Posture: Okay, maybe I’m cheating now because I don’t really have anything left and wanted to make this a little longer. I hate girls with no shoulders. Your upper half should not look so box-like. If it does, don’t go sleeveless. Do some wall-slides, whatever those are, or shoulder dislocations, I use an old Swiffer sweeper handle to do mine. Open up those shoulders before I write “fragile” on you then put you up in the attic.

posture(Perhaps he’s leaning forward because he’s afraid his twin brother behind him is going to hit him with a golf club? I don’t know what this has to do with anything. I just like their barbershop quartet hats)

What are some imperfections you like about people of the opposite sex?

There is one quick question you can ask anybody to find out why none of the relationships in their past have worked out. Say to them “What is the most important thing you want in a relationship?” Whatever they respond with is whatever they never got from a relationship. Although knowing this is important, I feel like I wouldn’t be doing my job if I didn’t let you know what the common answers to this question are. Maybe after reading this you can help to improve a relationship in your life. I really don’t care if you do. You’re pretty unlovable anyway.

Response 1: Someone to be there for me when things get tough

Fair enough. Who doesn’t want people to be there for them when times are tough? That’s when we need people most. What this tells me about someone is that they had a boyfriend who would rather play video games than visit them in the hospital. Fair enough for him. Have you seen video game graphics these days? They’re so realistic it’s almost like connecting with another human being in need. You should be there with people you care about through everything, tough or not. People who don’t do this are the same people who bandwagon onto sports teams only when they do well. In other words, they’re scumbags.

sammy sosa high heat baseball

(A shot from Sammy Sosa High Heat Baseball from 2001. Their slogan was “it’s so real!” Not even close)

Response 2: Someone who lets me be me

Fair enough. Who doesn’t want to be with someone who lets them be who they are? Nobody likes to be told they should behave a certain way. I know I don’t. Teachers in my school used to tell me to stop swearing and put away my genitals. That’s me. Why can’t you accept that? People who give this response were probably in a relationship where the other person made they do a lot of things they didn’t like doing. I’m not even talking about sexual stuff either. I think with sexual stuff if they’re not willing to at least try something you’re not a match anyway. Is there really anything that weird about letting the dog watch? You should always be free to be who you are. If someone doesn’t let you then kick them to the curb or make them bite it then stomp on their head.

curb_stomp_1

(One man letting another man know he shouldn’t have to be anything else but who he is. If it wasn’t for the Swastika tattoo this would be more triumphant)

Response 3: Someone who is honest

Fair enough. Who wants to surround themselves with liars? Most of us won’t admit we hate the truth though. I know sometimes I like to hear a lie. I like to be told I’m the best. I know I’m not the best. Not until Dolph Lundgren passes away can I ever be the best at anything. People who say they want honesty in a relationship usually come from a relationship with a lot of lies. Can you really blame someone for lying in a relationship though? People screw up a lot and the only way to cover up these mistakes is to lie. But hey, you’re welcome to live a lie and have it eat away at you forever.

dolph lundgren

(The one man stopping me from greatness. Seriously, he’s like my exact double)

Response 4: Someone who will go the extra mile

Fair enough. Who wouldn’t like someone willing to do more than it takes for the other person? This response comes from people who escaped a relationship where the other person had a “I’ll see you when it’s convenient for me” attitude. I don’t like this attitude for anything. When it’s convenient for you? Honestly the convenient time for me to be nice to anyone is never yet I still do it because that’s what we’re supposed to do as humans. An extra mile doesn’t sound like much but it can be a lot. This one is pretty easy to do and isn’t asking for much at all. If you care about someone enough that mile will only seem like a couple inches. I don’t know what the metric equivalent is so sorry for excluding about 90% of the world from that last sentence.

metric_system_1-00

(Do they really expect me to read a picture? I’m not reading a picture)

Response 5: Someone with a sense of humor

Really? That’s all you want? Someone with a sense of humor? No really, you’re humoring me right now. As important as a sense of humor is in my life I would NEVER only associate with someone based on what they find funny. When people say they want a person with a sense of humor what they really mean is they want a person with a lot of other qualities and likes the same sitcoms they do. We all want someone we can laugh at other people with. Unfortunately though most people have a terrible sense of humor. I think I’ve laughed once this calendar year and it was at my own misfortunes.

guy with a

(No “guy with a sense of humor” on the list. Girls would rather find a guy with a gun, a six-pack, and a big head. Girls really just want Barry Bonds)

How would you answer the question “What is the most important thing you want in a relationship?” I can almost guarantee it’s something you have trouble finding from people in general let alone a relationship. I would say the most important thing to me in a relationship is…hmm I’ll leave this a mystery.

I think we all had a few relationships in middle school. I dated a girl who lived in Niagara Falls. We met at a summer camp nobody had ever heard the name of. She hated being photographed which is why whenever friends would ask me to prove to them that I had a girlfriend I had no way of doing so. She was definitely real though. Her name was Scarlett Johansson and I took her virginity. I’m not really sure whatever happened to her.

(And to think I broke up with her because she didn’t have a cool eraser on her pencils)

A middle school relationship is what I call any relationship built on false hopes and ideas. Not all relationships from 11-14 are like this. I’d say close to 100% are. It’s fine for a young kid to be in a dumb relationship with little meaning. Part of growing up is wasting your time on people you’ll never talk to again after your balls drop. It’s important we go through these bad relationships so that one day we can be aware enough to know we’re in a terrible marriage.

There are a few usual details a “middle school relationship” will have. The first is constant fighting. I don’t get being with someone when all you do is fight. If Pakistan or India could up and move themselves I’m sure they would. They can’t so they kill each other whenever they can. Many adults enter relationships with constant fighting and arguing. I’m not talking about cute bickering either. I’m talking about screaming at the top of your lungs, making all your friends feel uncomfortable fighting. Some people never grow out of this. Of course though, it’s never their fault. They just always fall for the wrong guy.

(“I know Lenny murdered those children but he’d never hurt me…again. And besides, doesn’t he look radiant in orange and behind glass?” – woman justifying being into bad boys)

Another thing I have noticed about middle school relationships is their longevity or lack thereof. Okay that last sentence was worded poorly. I’m not actually out there paying attention to who 12 year olds are kissing. I’m simply saying people who are constantly in short-term relationships still have their minds back in 7th grade. For the benefit of the doubt, sometimes a relationship needs to end quickly and with a guillotine’s force. It’s the constantly getting into the same situation when you need to wonder what you’re doing wrong. What are you probably doing wrong? Being yourself.

A true middle school relationship centers around one thing, the other person. You drop everything you’ve got going on to focus on that other living human being that will one day be dead and never remember a single nice thing you did for them. To steal a Jessica Alba line from a Dane Cook movie “I want to be in your life, I just don’t want to be your life” or something like that. I’m not sure. I was too busy wondering why I was watching a Dane Cook movie listening to Jessica Alba for advice. So many times someone will get into a new relationship and suddenly all they ever do or talk about is their new beau. It’s almost as if their lives did not begin until they met this person. But as Papa Roach says, “Our scars remind us, that the past is real.”

(Now I’m quoting Papa Roach? My vagina better start growing in soon or else I’m seeing a doctor)

Human behavior always interests me, especially when emotions are strong. People with middle school relationship syndrome will be certain this person they’re in a relationship with is the greatest human being ever. They say things like “Nobody understands me like she does”, “When I’m with him it’s like he’s not even there”, or “We can talk for hours up until the early morning hours and never get bored.” I could talk to fucking Santa Claus all night long and never get bored. Does that mean he’s someone special? No. All it means when you can talk to someone for hours is you have good chemistry. This does not mean you are soul mates. It means you should do a Podcast together and annoy as many radio stations as you can with your demo tape. Stop trying to seem divine and special. We both know if you’re up all night every night talking to someone your life is pretty empty because you yourself are empty.

I completely forget what the point I wanted to make in this post was. I simply had “Middle School Relationships” typed up in my Word Document. I spent the day eating almonds and occasionally stretching my legs. In that time somewhere I forgot the main course. Whether or not I said exactly what it was I wanted to say, I made myself clear enough. Many people never grow up when it comes to how they behave in a relationship. I guess that’s why Shakespeare once said “love is a mongoloid emotion, it makes you do dumb things only a complete retard might do.” He of course said it more poetically and in iambic pentameter. In the end there is no valuable lesson to be learned. My apologies if you came here looking for answers.

I was getting off a train recently when I had a personal revelation. No, I didn’t discover I was gay. This isn’t some weird fan fiction where I make out with one of your favorite Harry Potter characters. If I had to make-out with a male character from Harry Potter it would definitely be Snape. Alan Rickman is older which means he is more experienced. He’s kissed so many women he’ll be eager to kiss a man. Not to mention, I know of at least two people reading this who are in love with him. I know that fact for a fact. So my lips touching his will not be something I will discuss today nor ever. I’m not going to go into how he might gently hold my back, rub his rough facial hairs against my chest, or how his voice might sound whispering warm air into my ears. That will turn this from a family friendly blog into some creepy word-porn.

(He can take over my Nakatomi Plaza any day)

As I walked down the stairs I looked around me to take in who was there. It was mostly gang bangers. Maybe they weren’t all in gangs, but for the sake of sounding shocking I will call these tattooed thugs in gold chains and baggy pants gang bangers. I guess if they were all in gangs they would be more of a nation. These were the guys getting off the train. The people getting on the train were a lot different. They were girls with high butts. Not big butts or necessarily nice ones. Just high ones. Asses placed a little too out of reach for a child to grab onto. Midgets couldn’t sexually harass these ladies. I’m almost certain one of the girls had an ass on the back of her head. Try imagining that with a ponytail. Yuck.

What exactly was my revelation? It’s simple. I am more of a gang banger than I am a girl with a high butt. Everything about my life is closer to these gang bangers. These hardened criminals. Section 8 dwelling, gangsta rapping, wearing a baseball hat of a team I don’t even know the name of gang bangers. It’s more than the fact that both of us decided that our nights should be over with on a Saturday night at 10 whereas girls with high butts are just getting started. It’s much deeper.

(Deep like this, the remains of Ground Zero, NYC. Yeah, I always thought the Twin Towers were much bigger too)

Girls with high butts are fantastic to look at. If you’re one of these girls, please continue making your ass looking so incredibly high that it’s a target to have a plane flown into. I would love to date a girl with a high butt. Even if people are constantly jumping off it to their deaths, there’s something sexy about a high ass. How many more things that are high in the sky can I make a reference to? I think what I love about high butts is that it makes legs look longer. I love a girl with long legs. Ones that could wrap around me like a python. These girls do need to know one thing. You’re not smart. Sorry, but God gave you an ass so close to heaven that and above the clouds so you didn’t need to ever have an intelligent thought. Be happy with what you got. And stop thinking your take on life is unique or interesting. You have a high asshole. The only thing you should do at parties is shit out of it onto all of the heads of the people below. Get it? Because the ass is so high that–forget it.

What do I have in common with gang bangers? Nothing really. I’ve never been to jail nor do I hate people because of a certain color they might wear. Except yellow. Nobody looks good in yellow. I do believe however that I can relate more to a gang banger than a girl with a high butt. Most people join gangs because they’re lonely, want friends, and are easily bullied into things. Sounds like me! Girls with high butts only care about one thing. Themselves. I never understood anyone who doesn’t start their evening until 11pm. Unless you work at Staples, you’re asking for trouble not going out until then. One time at a Manhattan Subway at 3 in the morning a scary black guy ran in, grabbed a skinny Spanish guy’s phone and broke it on the ground. Am I really supposed to believe that their evenings began around 7? No way in hell. They didn’t even start to do their hair until around 8. Nothing good ever happens when it’s dark. Have you ever heard of an afternoon rape? That’s what lunch is for. It keeps rapists occupied for a half hour every day.

(After eating an apple, a half pint of chocolate milk, and whatever other goods are in that brown bag, nobody feels much like raping)

I’m not sure what exactly it is I’m trying to get across here other than I can’t see myself ever getting along with a girl with a high butt. Only certain girls like me. They’re always a reject of some part of society. Girls with high butts are never rejects. They always belong. Gang bangers are also better than they are because at least a gang banger has story that doesn’t start with what the office clown did and end with her carrying a broken high heel chasing after a taxi. If you’re a girl with a big butt, I hate you. You have no purpose in my life. I will forever choose a conversation with a gang banger over you. At least they’re not loud and obnoxious. At least they will never give me an erection and completely ignore me when I smile at them.

I used to have business cards. A friend of mine made them for me. I only handed out two of them. One was to a girl who I’m pretty sure was trying to rob me. She was way too nice and called me 5 minutes after I handed her the card. I don’t remember what she said and the fact that I never heard from me again, one can only assume that she was screaming for help. I’ve always wondered what happens to those girls whom I communicate with and just seem to disappear. I have a feeling that there’s a mass grave of girls that have met me with my business card in each of their pockets.

Only two people should ever have business cards. People trying to network with a legitimate skill to offer and people looking to win contests at restaurants. Restaurants always seem to be collecting business cards in their little fish bowls. I used to put my dad’s business cards I them and he would never win. This sounds like a scam to me. They probably stole his identity. He’ll end up in that mass grave someday, but until then I’ll continue trying to win him a free slice of pizza.

It’s been a while since I’ve been handed a business card. My garbage can misses them. That’s where they always end up. Right between religious pamphlets and the plate I ate dinner off of. That’s what I think of your entrepreneurship.