Posts Tagged ‘gummy bears’

There’s a phrase that goes “turning a blind eye.” I’ve used this phrase once. It was making fun of the “Cataract” Cathy in middle school. She would walk into walls and fall down elevator shafts on a daily basis. I’d call her name and she’d turn to me, thus turning a blind eye.

But that’s not what the phrase is really meant for. It should really be about how we ignore the obvious and let things happen. Even when they’re obvious. Or something like that. Here are some things that happened in history that I think should have been much more obvious. Yet we were all surprised.

-Ellen Degeneres coming out of the closet was huge on her television show whose name escapes me. She wore men’s suits in the 1980s. That’s like a hockey jersey to lesbians. How were we shocked by this? Did we have our heads so far up our heterosexual partner’s ass that we missed out?

-Sticking on a similar subject, writer of Fight Club Chuck Palahniukukuka9hjhfs^ahf (get an easier name to spell) being a homosexual. Fight Club is the gayest movie I have ever seen and I’ve seen the extended version of Caligula where men actually performance oral sex on each other in togas. I was shocked when I found out that Chuckie was gay. I mean, one of the rules of Fight Club is that you can’t wear a shirt. That’s the worst thing about playing a sport. Having to divide into shirts versus skins.

-Adolf Hitler became a terrible dictator much to the world’s surprise. I mean, I guess they knew he was bad. But really, he came into power in like 1933. He didn’t kill himself until 1945. That’s 12 years. It took us that long to realize he was rounding up all the Jews and slaughtering them. Maybe he got away with it because all of the lawyers in town were stuck at Auschwitz. Is that racist? I think it’s more a backhanded compliment that Jewish people are well learned.

-Great as an idea, Communism is something that doesn’t translate into a reality. People are greedy. We found that out with Russian. Then we found that out with Vietnam, North Korea, and all of eastern Europe. I think Marx forgot to add in the chapter about how someone with power would never step down from it to become a commoner. Had he never had to share something in his life?

-Mormons are weird. I mean really weird. Like they make Scientologists seem sane. They believe in polygamy which I guess sounds good on the outside, but I couldn’t imagine having to deal with that many women. Founder of the Book of Mormon, Joseph Smith, was about 18 years old when he was visited by an angel and told about this whole misadventure. An 18 year old boy was the one who decided that men should be allowed to marry more than one woman! When was the last time an 18-year-old boy had a good idea? I know Justin Bieber has a huge following, but I don’t think any of us are about to start getting advice from him about the afterlife.

-I was about 3 years old when it happened. Actor Paul Reubens who portrayed Pee Wee Herman as caught masturbating in public. Pee Wee Herman has genitalia. None of us realized that. With genitalia, comes huge responsibilities. That genitalia needs to be used. I don’t know why it was shocking that a creepy man who owns a talking chair might want to masturbate in public. It’s not like Pee Wee was religious or anything. Everyone needs to dump a load. Especially when the hottest chick in town is your lesbian mailman.

Open your eyes! The obvious is all around us.