Middle School Relationships

I think we all had a few relationships in middle school. I dated a girl who lived in Niagara Falls. We met at a summer camp nobody had ever heard the name of. She hated being photographed which is why whenever friends would ask me to prove to them that I had a girlfriend I had no way of doing so. She was definitely real though. Her name was Scarlett Johansson and I took her virginity. I’m not really sure whatever happened to her.

(And to think I broke up with her because she didn’t have a cool eraser on her pencils)

A middle school relationship is what I call any relationship built on false hopes and ideas. Not all relationships from 11-14 are like this. I’d say close to 100% are. It’s fine for a young kid to be in a dumb relationship with little meaning. Part of growing up is wasting your time on people you’ll never talk to again after your balls drop. It’s important we go through these bad relationships so that one day we can be aware enough to know we’re in a terrible marriage.

There are a few usual details a “middle school relationship” will have. The first is constant fighting. I don’t get being with someone when all you do is fight. If Pakistan or India could up and move themselves I’m sure they would. They can’t so they kill each other whenever they can. Many adults enter relationships with constant fighting and arguing. I’m not talking about cute bickering either. I’m talking about screaming at the top of your lungs, making all your friends feel uncomfortable fighting. Some people never grow out of this. Of course though, it’s never their fault. They just always fall for the wrong guy.

(“I know Lenny murdered those children but he’d never hurt me…again. And besides, doesn’t he look radiant in orange and behind glass?” – woman justifying being into bad boys)

Another thing I have noticed about middle school relationships is their longevity or lack thereof. Okay that last sentence was worded poorly. I’m not actually out there paying attention to who 12 year olds are kissing. I’m simply saying people who are constantly in short-term relationships still have their minds back in 7th grade. For the benefit of the doubt, sometimes a relationship needs to end quickly and with a guillotine’s force. It’s the constantly getting into the same situation when you need to wonder what you’re doing wrong. What are you probably doing wrong? Being yourself.

A true middle school relationship centers around one thing, the other person. You drop everything you’ve got going on to focus on that other living human being that will one day be dead and never remember a single nice thing you did for them. To steal a Jessica Alba line from a Dane Cook movie “I want to be in your life, I just don’t want to be your life” or something like that. I’m not sure. I was too busy wondering why I was watching a Dane Cook movie listening to Jessica Alba for advice. So many times someone will get into a new relationship and suddenly all they ever do or talk about is their new beau. It’s almost as if their lives did not begin until they met this person. But as Papa Roach says, “Our scars remind us, that the past is real.”

(Now I’m quoting Papa Roach? My vagina better start growing in soon or else I’m seeing a doctor)

Human behavior always interests me, especially when emotions are strong. People with middle school relationship syndrome will be certain this person they’re in a relationship with is the greatest human being ever. They say things like “Nobody understands me like she does”, “When I’m with him it’s like he’s not even there”, or “We can talk for hours up until the early morning hours and never get bored.” I could talk to fucking Santa Claus all night long and never get bored. Does that mean he’s someone special? No. All it means when you can talk to someone for hours is you have good chemistry. This does not mean you are soul mates. It means you should do a Podcast together and annoy as many radio stations as you can with your demo tape. Stop trying to seem divine and special. We both know if you’re up all night every night talking to someone your life is pretty empty because you yourself are empty.

I completely forget what the point I wanted to make in this post was. I simply had “Middle School Relationships” typed up in my Word Document. I spent the day eating almonds and occasionally stretching my legs. In that time somewhere I forgot the main course. Whether or not I said exactly what it was I wanted to say, I made myself clear enough. Many people never grow up when it comes to how they behave in a relationship. I guess that’s why Shakespeare once said “love is a mongoloid emotion, it makes you do dumb things only a complete retard might do.” He of course said it more poetically and in iambic pentameter. In the end there is no valuable lesson to be learned. My apologies if you came here looking for answers.

Hints

It amazes me that the best detectives of all-time have been men. Sherlock Holmes, Dick Tracy, Inspector Gadget have all had penises. Sherlock Holmes was probably the only one with foreskin as he was a British man from the early 1900s. All I will say about Dick Tracy is that he’s named Dick for a reason. It’s big. Finally onto the topic of Inspector Gadget’s genitals. I’m sure if need be it could have opened up into a parachute or life raft. I was never much into Inspector Gadget. A half-man, half-Swiss army knife solving crimes with a niece named Penny? The name Penny is on my list of horrible names. Nobody likes pennies. They’re cheap and almost always have something blue on them. But there’s one thing these crime solvers all do have in common despite their differences in the front of the pants. All three are men. More than likely, men who cannot take a hint.

(Penny has grown from a tiny little coin into a big fat half-dollar. I’m thinking she ate that Marmaduke imposter she calls a dog)

You see girls, us guys sometimes have trouble understanding your intentions. Not me. I know immediately when a girl isn’t interested. I had a friend who didn’t have that DNA strand in him. While scavenging for women one night, we came across a drunk one next to a doorway. He asked her if she needed help. She said that her boyfriend would be back any moment. He asked if she wanted to go somewhere for a dance. That’s when she got violent and started slurring louder. We left and instead flirted with some girls who were hanging with their aunt. Aunts ruin everything. Nobody’s ever said “I’m going to bring my aunt along” and things turned out better. I’m so glad I don’t have an aunt. If I did I’d make her pay for the sins of all other aunts. There’s a reason why you’re named after an easily killed insect.

I can never knock a guy for trying to get with a girl. It can be a lot of effort at times. But when you start to break a sweat, that’s when you should call it quits. Please note, if you’re in a bar and a guy won’t stop harassing you, you asked for it. You’re in a bar. You’re surrounded by drunk people and you’re probably drunk yourself. If you expect to get home safe and happy, you’re fooling yourself. More so I would like to discuss when guys harass girls in more public settings like a train or a dog food factory.

The first hint a guy needs to know in not pursuing a woman is when she mentions her boyfriend she’s doing it for a reason. I always make the mistake of mentioning my girlfriend because I’m a nice person. I probably shouldn’t. That really is a punch to the ovaries of a flirting woman. But like I said, I’ve got a moral code I live by. A code that will probably lead to me dying alone. It always breaks my heart when a girl mentions her boyfriend or fiance. Even when I know I don’t have a chance I feel like she’s been lying to me the whole 2 minute conversation. Does she not realize how quickly and easily I fall in love? I figured that ring on your finger was a reminder to keep yourself pure! Cut this purity ring crap. If you really don’t want to have sex put on a chastity belt or eat a lot of pizza so nobody wants to with you. You’re on the same level of cool as the Jonas Brothers. And all three of them were replaced overnight by Justin Bieber. How’s that make you feel?

(Even with a coke addict cutter thrown into the mix, the JoBros still don’t amount to one Bieber)

Not even for guys, but everyone in general, when a person responds with one word answers you know it’s always a bad sign. There’s this guy who always tries talking to me. When he does, I say as little as possible. I also avoid eye contact. I’m pretty sure he has a crush on me. He’s gotten close enough to me where dandruff has flown off of his shoulders onto my nose like a Disney snowflake. Men only get that close to each other during muggings and naked wrestling matches. I checked my wallet and everything was still there so I can use my imagination. Even worse than the one word answers are the blank stares. I had two German girls do that to me. Their stupid Aryan grins smiling at each other as they knew I was crashing and burning. I hated it. I wanted to remind them how their Final Solution failed. Fuck those chicks. I thought the one had a lip piecing but it turned out to be a cold sore.

A little something different here, do any girls ever like pictures of guys flexing in the mirror? I’ve never encountered a girl who liked that. I talk to smart girls, dumb girls, tall girls, short girls, fat ones, ugly ones, all kinds. Not one has ever claimed to like these pictures. Why do guys think this will attract a woman? Haven’t they seen the memes making fun of guys like them? Here’s a hint for those guys, hide your nipples. Yes, you’re in great shape. We can all tell that from you in a shirt. For everybody, if there’s a certain type of picture that you’re taking that you can’t ask someone else to take of you, maybe you shouldn’t take it.

(I really hope this is a parody. If not this man deserved to be the first image to pop up when searching “flexing douche”)

In the end what I’m trying to say is have some intuition into what other people are saying. If a girl is overly friendly with you, she probably likes you. If she ignores you, you’re not something she’s interested in. Girls are very judgmental and will slit your throat in a second. They know immediately if you’re a viable candidate to accidentally impregnate them. Give women some credit. It’s not like they ever seem to always be dating criminals, unemployed slobs, or assholes over and over again.