Posts Tagged ‘hate crimes’

Allow me to play the Devil’s Advocate here for a moment. Yes, the Aryan Brotherhood are pretty scummy. I get it. But we thought the same thing about the first person we ever dated. We saw them and thought “I would never date him/her/it. They’re so gross!” You can’t judge a book by its cover. Even if that cover is full of swastika tattoos, pure white skin, and a head shaved with a knife.

I began to read a book about the Aryan Brotherhood and other secret societies. It was quite a boring book. I haven’t touched it in a year and it still sits on my shelf waiting to be finished. It’s a tough book to read. Lots of facts in it. There are also Klansmen on the cover. It’s kind of rough to bring on a train with me. I’ll have to explain at every stop that it isn’t a doctrine of life advice, just a story about history. There was a chapter about the Aryan Brotherhood. I read it and that makes me qualified to know a lot about them. If you’re in the A.B. and I get something wrong, please let me know. This is nowhere for you to hide your shame.

Brothers always get along. Unless they’re Aryan Brothers. What could possibly be good about the Aryan Brotherhood? First, you will need to know that they are not actually brothers. No, they’re not two pesky boys causing trouble like some people might think. In fact, someone has thought that. I know for a fact that they thought it. Can you imagine how bad of a mother they must have if all of her sons turned into violent racist rednecks? When they call each other “brother” it’s no different from if I called a buddy my “bro.” Well, it is different. I never go out with my “bros” and commit hate crimes. At least not race based ones. A few teachers have had to suffer our wrath. That’s what they get for scheduling a pop quiz on a Friday!

A good thing that the A.B. does is smash windows. You might be thinking that’s a bad thing. You’re wrong. Windows are so inconvenient. I mean they’re always in the way of the outside. Whenever you need a pie to cool on a window sill you need to open a window to do it. Not when the Aryans are around. They’ll smash that window with a rock in the middle of the night. Pie cooling has never been easier. Windows are also bothersome in the way that they are always getting dirty. They’re like my butt only more birds fly into it them and die. The A.B. should probably ask more before smashing windows. I can see how that might annoy some people. But with the bad rap they’ve got, they’re probably too shy to come over and ask if your window needs smashing. It’s our own faults really.

The A.B. gives white guys in prison a place to assimilate into. I’m not that worried about going to prison. I’m such a coward I’m afraid parking more than 6 inches away from the curb will cause a police beating. If I do find myself in prison though, the A.B. is the only place I’d belong. The Latinos wouldn’t like me because I can’t do a Rosie Perez impression and the blacks would hate me because I double dribble too much. I’d cost them the big prison versus guards basketball game with too much traveling. The A.B. is the only other place for me to go. I’d have to become a prag (prison bitch). There is no doubt about that. I imagine the biggest meanest Aryan would have me doing things that I never thought I’d have to do for the chance to use toilet paper. Surviving prison is vital. I won’t be able to do it without a little help from the good people in the Aryan Brotherhood.

Muscle shirts are an institution of America. It’s one of the last businesses that haven’t outsourced to other countries. Most likely because other countries cannot afford enough to eat to build the kind of muscles that look good in a muscle shirt. Aryans always wear muscle shirts. Even the stick armed ones do it. It’s their calling card. Their uniform. Aren’t we always taught to respect a man in uniform? They’re helping out the economy too. The economy, the thing that affects us all so much. If the economy sucks then I can’t afford important things like hair gel or novelty key chains. Thanks to the Aryans, I can spend my money on the essentials.

You may still not be convinced. That’s fine. That was never my intention. I merely wanted you to rethink your judgment of the Brothers Aryan. I would never willingly join the group, as great as they sound. I can’t deal with short hair year round. Don’t they get cold in the winter? Colorado must have a weak A.B. At least the KKK get Pope hats. They’re probably too hot though, hiding under those curtains. There’s no winning when it comes to joining a racist organization.