Posts Tagged ‘hitler’

There’s a phrase that goes “turning a blind eye.” I’ve used this phrase once. It was making fun of the “Cataract” Cathy in middle school. She would walk into walls and fall down elevator shafts on a daily basis. I’d call her name and she’d turn to me, thus turning a blind eye.

But that’s not what the phrase is really meant for. It should really be about how we ignore the obvious and let things happen. Even when they’re obvious. Or something like that. Here are some things that happened in history that I think should have been much more obvious. Yet we were all surprised.

-Ellen Degeneres coming out of the closet was huge on her television show whose name escapes me. She wore men’s suits in the 1980s. That’s like a hockey jersey to lesbians. How were we shocked by this? Did we have our heads so far up our heterosexual partner’s ass that we missed out?

-Sticking on a similar subject, writer of Fight Club Chuck Palahniukukuka9hjhfs^ahf (get an easier name to spell) being a homosexual. Fight Club is the gayest movie I have ever seen and I’ve seen the extended version of Caligula where men actually performance oral sex on each other in togas. I was shocked when I found out that Chuckie was gay. I mean, one of the rules of Fight Club is that you can’t wear a shirt. That’s the worst thing about playing a sport. Having to divide into shirts versus skins.

-Adolf Hitler became a terrible dictator much to the world’s surprise. I mean, I guess they knew he was bad. But really, he came into power in like 1933. He didn’t kill himself until 1945. That’s 12 years. It took us that long to realize he was rounding up all the Jews and slaughtering them. Maybe he got away with it because all of the lawyers in town were stuck at Auschwitz. Is that racist? I think it’s more a backhanded compliment that Jewish people are well learned.

-Great as an idea, Communism is something that doesn’t translate into a reality. People are greedy. We found that out with Russian. Then we found that out with Vietnam, North Korea, and all of eastern Europe. I think Marx forgot to add in the chapter about how someone with power would never step down from it to become a commoner. Had he never had to share something in his life?

-Mormons are weird. I mean really weird. Like they make Scientologists seem sane. They believe in polygamy which I guess sounds good on the outside, but I couldn’t imagine having to deal with that many women. Founder of the Book of Mormon, Joseph Smith, was about 18 years old when he was visited by an angel and told about this whole misadventure. An 18 year old boy was the one who decided that men should be allowed to marry more than one woman! When was the last time an 18-year-old boy had a good idea? I know Justin Bieber has a huge following, but I don’t think any of us are about to start getting advice from him about the afterlife.

-I was about 3 years old when it happened. Actor Paul Reubens who portrayed Pee Wee Herman as caught masturbating in public. Pee Wee Herman has genitalia. None of us realized that. With genitalia, comes huge responsibilities. That genitalia needs to be used. I don’t know why it was shocking that a creepy man who owns a talking chair might want to masturbate in public. It’s not like Pee Wee was religious or anything. Everyone needs to dump a load. Especially when the hottest chick in town is your lesbian mailman.

Open your eyes! The obvious is all around us.

Preface: I had written this previous to my last post that I made entitled Unknown Origins. I’d put a link here for it, but that was about 2 hours ago. I don’t think you’re that lazy or stupid to find it. I thought I’d post this to get it out of the way as they kind of go together. It’s another observation I have made about how WWII is depicted in film.

I started watching the HBO miniseries Band of Brothers recently. I’m not here to review it or anything. The only mention I want to make is that I managed to recognize that Endless Mike Helstrom from The Adventure of Pete & Pete plays one of the soldiers in it. I thought that was great. The arch nemesis of Big Pete grows up to become a war hero. All Big Pete has done with his life is have me thinking I saw him walking around at a gas station. Tall redheads look very similar.

One thing I noticed with the show is that everyone is dirty on it. Really dirty. Especially their hands. I never see people with hands that dirty in real life. What has changed?

I think dirty hands are gross like anybody else. I also think that doing much more than washing your hands is unnecessary. Germaphobes carry around wipes and different liquid hand sanitizers with them to avoid having dirty hands. I don’t know about this. Your hands don’t possible need to be that clean. Moses lived to be like 600 or something and that was without soap. Okay, maybe that’s a silly example. The guy lived on a boat with all those animals, no soap, no toilet paper, on a boat full of animal shit for 40 days and he didn’t get any disease. I buy it! To use a more realistic example, take anyone born pre-1930. Some of those people lived pretty long. They didn’t have swiffer sweepers, toilets, that liquid soap where you don’t need paper towels, dish soap, those doctors masks that Asians always wear while traveling, none of it! Yet they still managed to live a long time. Germs aren’t as powerful as you think.

I understand that there were a few WWII veterans that contracted viruses or infections due to how unclean the conditions were. Well, people in all jobs get infections. You can get an infection by shaking hands with a fellow employee. It’s amazing that every war veteran didn’t come back with an infection. People were made to have dirty hands. We spent time crawling on the ground and now we have evolved. Along with that has come an immunity to having dirty hands.

The difference between those WWII veterans and my generation is amazing. I don’t think I’ve ever met someone who could have been a soldier back then. We all need soft tissues and comfy pillows. We don’t leave the house unless our hair gel makes us look “messy.” Those guys back then didn’t give a shit about any of that. They just wanted to save the world after being attacked. They volunteered to go to war. After 9/11 happened, a lot of people did the same. Not nearly as much though. I don’t really know what the difference was. If anything, 9/11 hit so much closer to home. Times were different 60-70 years ago. I can’t imagine a situation where anyone I have ever met could become a war hero. We need to dirty up our hands a little bit. Become real men.

I still do think that it’s gross to not wash your hands after taking a leak. I see a lot men do this and I know women who don’t. That’s uncalled for. At least get the hands wet. Make an attempt to care for yourself. If you enjoy dirty hands so much then join the army. It’s a better reason than some kids who join because they just want to kill.

Injustices

Posted: September 28, 2011 in September 2011
Tags: , , , , , ,

There is no justice on the planet earth. No court, no God, no government can control the injustices that happen in this world. There are two grave injustices that I want to focus on today. There are lots, like starving children and soft toilet paper being expensive. They are not topics for today, perhaps tomorrow. When you think about it though, those two injustices never go together. If you’re hungry you don’t shit. If you have rough toilet paper, at least you’re eating. Nobody can ever complain about them both.

Injustice Number One:

Hitler achieved more in his lifetime than I, you, or anyone any of us know ever will. He had more money and power despite being evil.

Say you what you want about the NAZI bastard, he got shit done. A lot of people I know like to try to put a positive spin on things. They say that everything happens for a reason. That being the case, then why the Holocaust? Why did so many have to die in concentration camps and in war because one man had an ideology of what the perfect human being was? Well, I guess I’ll try to put something positive that may come out of it. Work ethic. Looking at Hitler, he had such a great work ethic. He was born a poor Austrian boy (still some debate on the boy part) and rose up from the ashes to live his dreams of massacring millions. It’s the American dream, except instead of making 6 million dollars a year playing baseball, that’s how many people he killed.

Like any dictator or bad boy rocker, Hitler had a soft side. He was a vegetarian and an avid animal lover. So the next time PETA asks you for donations, don’t give them any. They could be the next evil doer. I’m sure there are a lot more funny things about Hitler, but not much is known. There was a rumor I once heard that he had one of his testicles removed because during his passionate speeches he would ejaculate into his snazzy NAZI trousers. Imagine that. Someone that loves themselves so much that hearing themselves talk about what they loved would make them cum. Evil man. Passionate about his beliefs. Another thing a lot of people don’t have, passion. How many people do you know that sleep away their dreams and don’t get out of bed until they have to? Complain about their problems and do nothing to solve them? They’re good people, yes, but lazy motherfuckers. There are people who do and people who sit around eating potato chips all day watching sports. Hitler never ate a potato chip in his life. He nearly dominated the entire world. We’d admire him if instead of killing others he was out planting trees. Christ, where did his parents go wrong?

Cult comedian Bill Hicks put it best when he said “Hitler had the right idea, he was just an underachiever.” He went on to proclaim that Hitler should kill off the entire human race, not selectively. The relevant part of the quote is the underachievement part. Yes, Hitler’s plan failed miserably. He thought by the end he’d be regarded as the greatest hero in the history of the world, not the biggest villain since Cesar Romero’s portrayal of The Joker. To take anything positive away from the atrocities he committed, it’s that if you put your mind to anything and want it bad enough, you may come pretty damn close as long as a fat British Prime Minister doesn’t get in your way.

Injustice Number Two:

Nuns still get their period, cramps, and other PMS issues.

I never thought I’d be discussing Hitler and nuns consequentially and not be referring to winning costumes at a Halloween bash. There’s a day for everything. I think the least a higher power could do is take away the menstrual cramps that a nun has. She’s pledged her life to be the bride of Christ and she still gets her monthly visitor? No wonder they’re so mean. Nuns can’t catch a break. They have to wear those big habits even when it’s hot out. Even mascots get to take a break every inning or so. There better be an afterlife or else they’ll have egg all over their faces.

Nuns also can get cancer, constipation, hit by buses, and every other horrible thing happen to them. They gain no immortality by pledging their allegiance to Jesus. I have to respect them for that. Mad props nuns, mad props.