Posts Tagged ‘hockey cards’

Mentioning how all of the Gifted and Talented students are whores who pleasure the principal in a backroom during my last post reminded me of the time in third grade I was denied entrance into the Gifted and Talented Program. I’m not bitter about it or anything. It’s not like they got to go on field trips or had better college resumes than me or anything, right? Fuck I hate losing.

Third grade was a big year for me. I made new friends, broke my leg, and offered a kid hockey cards in exchange for erasing a mistake I made on a test to help me get a better grade. The teacher had us exchange our tests with other class members and we’d grade them. This pussy said it was important to follow the rules and did not accept my barter. Seriously? You’re 9 years old and you’re going to pull a morality card on me? A square could not be drawn with angles 90 degrees enough for me to describe this loser.


(See, it’s more of a rectangle to describe that dumb classmate of mine. Ugh I hate nerds)

This same year was one where I was recommended by my teacher to try out for the Gifted and Talented program. I didn’t like my third grade teacher much but she thought highly enough of me. I had some probably with motor skills or so I was told. I was a little too ambidextrous and this was apparently a problem. My mom told my teacher I was always doing things right and left handed which has never been true. She said I was even a “switch hitter” referencing baseball where a player will bat righty and lefty. I’m pretty sure my teacher didn’t get the baseball analogy and thought my mom was calling me bisexual. That’s why she sat me in between a boy and a girl to see which one I’d pick. I picked the boy because girls used to scare me.

Two businesspeople shaking hands.

(Attractive, owns a suit, shakes hands, and seems to be employed. I’m fucking terrified)

The day for me to test for the GT Program arrived. I was whisked away by the GT Teacher into a computer lab. This was probably around 1996. Back then all computers could do was turn on then white text would appear over a blue background or green text over a black one. We’ve come so far.

I sat at a table with the woman. She had a puzzle for me to do. I’m not sure what the puzzle was because I didn’t even come close to putting it together. The next test was a word association game. We made it through about 5 words before she gave up and decided it was time for the final round.

The teacher slid me a piece of paper. On this paper were about 30 different squares. She handed me a pencil and said “I want you to look at the squares on this paper and using them draw a picture with each.” I’m a really bad artist. I couldn’t draw to save my life. I couldn’t draw to save someone else’s life. Really. One time I was in a situation with a friend. A guy held a chainsaw to the friend’s throat and told me to draw a smiley face. That friend of mine, he no longer has a head. This was rough territory for me. If I was going to get into GT I would have to find some artistic gifts and talents deep in my colon.

I was timed by the woman for what I think was 3 minutes. When the buzzer rang she told me to go over each square I had turned into something else. The first was a house. I got that out of the way easy. The second was a baseball diamond. Okay, a little more creative. Next was a hamper. All I did was write “Hamper” on the square. After that was first base. Again, all I did was write “First Base” on it. The teacher said “You already did a baseball one. Let’s not count that.” Second base, third base, and home plate were not counted either. I drew a few other things that got little to no reaction. I remember her looking at me and saying “You really didn’t come up with too many ideas. Half of the squares are still blank.” She said it nicer because she realized she was dealing with an idiot.


(Given this test again I would probably just draw a stool for me to step onto then off with a noose around my neck. I really blew my chance at getting a slight educational advantage)

I was sent on my way. A week later my teacher said I was not accepted. She was actually really nice and even said to my mom how a lot of really smart kids don’t get into the program because it’s more focus on a specific kind of thinking and not so much on where my talents were. She said another smart kid in the class didn’t get into it either. That kid happened to be the one who refused to help me cheat. If I had to guess what he would have drawn on those squares it would have been his own face. Damn it I hate him and damn it I hate gifted and talented children.