Posts Tagged ‘holidays’

This post, this one right here, is my 400th blog post. To celebrate I am not going to bother putting any effort into writing up something fantastic for once.

Your holiday gift from me is that you don’t have to read anything from me today. And yes, it’s a holiday gift. I have a loyal follower who celebrates Kwanza. What’s up Jamal? How are the Knicks doing this season? No. KFC is not open on Christmas you goof!

If you feel the need to give me a gift may I suggest clicking on one of the many links on my blogroll whether it belongs to me or someone else. I also have amazing things in my Writing Samples page at the top. Or you can see what’s happening at my other blog Kidz Showz. I won’t push anything today because the holiday spirit has entered me and it was consensual.

Enjoy your night off from my nonsense. You are welcome.

Whenever someone tells me that they have a big announcement I am always nervous. I worry the girl I am secretly still in love with is getting married and will forever not be mine. Then my mind plays more games. I worry that she’s getting a sex change and that I will forever be in love with a married in-sexual-limbo creature. My big announcement today is I have no big announcement. See? I told you big announcements were always disappointing.

(Do not let this sweet fragile face fool you. She was a bad girl this year. That’s why instead of a birthday cake she gets canned spinach)

The best way to make a big announcement is at a holiday dinner. The family will gossip about rival families. If you’re Catholic you’ll probably get into a fist fight or two. The proper way to get attention is to grab an eating utensil and tap it 2-3 times onto a glass. Not very hard of course. Enough to make a springing sound. Like when your uncle taps on his glass eye to freak you out. The family will turn to you and then you can give them the big announcement. But what qualifies exactly as a big announcement? You don’t want to announce openly how you found a red crayon on the ground. You need to save these moments for very special occasions.

One big announcement is that you’re gay. Coming out of the closet on Thanksgiving is the stereotypical thing to do. Why Thanksgiving? Because you don’t miss out on presents. Worst case scenario, your mother takes away your food. But you’re gay anyway. You eat half slices and only eat carbs post-workout. You probably won’t care. Your family has a month to accept your lifestyle change and by the time Christmas rolls around your dad will have a new opinion on “those sinning queers.” He’ll have bought you something useful like a rubber fist or a pink shirt. Something he thinks gay people worship. But hey, he’s trying.

(Your dad will buy you this shirt for your job at the ass-less chaps factory)

As I mentioned in the opener of this, weddings are big announcements. I like calling weddings “the prologues to divorce.” Most people get a divorce at some point in their life. This wouldn’t be a problem if murder was legal. But where do you draw the line when it comes to murder? We can’t say that you can only murder someone you’re married to. Then people will be getting married only to murder enemies. It’s also not fair to gay people. They should be allowed to push someone off a building too! With technology now you don’t really have to announce your wedding. Most people find out about it via Facebook, Twitter, or Craigslist. I don’t recommend posting about your wedding on Craigslist. Prostitutes and guys selling dumbbells tend to show up.

Pregnancies are another huge announcement. This one you can’t wait too long. Otherwise people will start to think you’re fat and unfriend you. Or is it defriend? I’d ask a friend but none of them seem to answer their phones anymore. Except the one time I called from a pay phone. My buddy heard my voice and hung up immediately. Sucks for him. I had a great time at that amusement park alone. People are usually happier when you get pregnant than when you get married. Marriage makes someone a wimp. Having a kid makes someone hypnotized. Married people will complain about their spouses. Parents will talk nonstop about how great their children are. I never had that in my life though. As soon as I was born my parents cut out their own tongues. I guess they had some great intuition into how I would turn out.

In today’s only slightly worse economy but the media likes to run with the story that we’re going to need to go back to the gold standard world, getting a job can be huge. I remember when I first got my job. I ran around the office high-fiving everyone I could. I drove around town telling every stranger I spotted about it. The mailman, the convenience store clerk, the Nazi crossing guard all congratulated me. The thing about most jobs is after a while you start to hope the person you replaced enters one afternoon with a gun ready for revenge. A bullet pierces your lower back, paralyzing you for years. You collect a huge bonus and don’t have to work anymore. You can sit back with your feet up in the air (because lowering them could cause a hemorrhage) and enjoy life.

(Blonde hair, feet at attention, making the black child walk in the back. Clearly a Nazi. Even more freaky I found this picture from Google images off the page of someone who follows me when searching “Nazi crossing guard.” Weird but thank you Five Second Rules)

Other smaller moments in life can be big announcements. Achieving your dreams, buying a new house, poisoning a neighbor’s dog and successfully making it look like it was hit by a car are all noteworthy. I never have very many big announcements. I get happy enough at a poop taking less than 3 wipes. The problem is you can’t really show a picture to a friend of this achievement. It’s easy to doctor that moment.

(Doctored like the moon landing. I’m not sure how this proves Apollo 11 took place in Nevada. It only shows how much people hate happy Americans)

Maybe someday I will have a big announcement. You’ll all eagerly lean forward in anticipation. You’ll congratulate me on my achievements. Say things like “Way to go!” and “I always knew you could do it!” I’ll gloat with my chest out and go along with your fake sincerity. Then we’ll all find out that I was mistaken. I really didn’t succeed. My big announcement turns into a gigantic dud. You’ll laugh at my expense and I’ll go back to being a loser with nothing important to brag about. Unless you too love clean poops. Then bragging I shall do.

This year is an election year in America. In other words, it means we get really excited that things will change but we all secretly know they won’t. This disappointment leads to something else. It’s called a revolution. I see that word every year. Mostly coming from the lips of people who have no idea what they’re talking about. Usually, soaked in whiskey.

(Future Freedom Fighters of America)

Sure, I would love if things were different. That would be great. I also know that a revolution isn’t the way to go. The Beatles, who were never held accountable for inspiring the Manson Family Murders, had a song where they talked about a revolution. Are they the best people to lead a revolution? They couldn’t even stick together. Before they even became famous they kicked out their drummer. That’s not loyalty. For a revolution to start you need to be loyal to the cause. They tossed Pete Best out into the streets of Liverpool like he wasn’t the best option. He clearly was. His last name said so. Instead they went for Ringo Starr. They cared more about stardom then they did about being the best. Fuck the Beatles. Fuck them and their “all you need is love” mentality. You need more than love. You need the ability to duck from the bullets of fat retarded fan boys.


(He kind of does look like Lennon with a few extra pounds and insanity)

I don’t believe that most people who want this revolution to take place really know what they’re getting into. The American Revolution was huge. It led to freedoms that never existed before. Same thing goes for the French Revolution. They got to cut off their leader’s head! All because she told them to go eat cake. That’s how you know people are pissed off. When they are told to eat a delicious dessert and they cut off your head. A revolution in this country wouldn’t really get us much. What freedoms don’t we really have? We can’t run around naked and we can’t control other people’s minds. I would love to do both of those things. I walk around naked for hours at home and whenever I see a cute girl I always attempt to get her to think “I want to kiss him. Get up and kiss him.” Those things will probably never be possible. I won’t go into why but I’ll blame the Republicans because they’re easy to blame for things I don’t understand.

(It’s Ron’s fault I couldn’t find my car in the parking lot the other day)

Starting a revolution means a few things. For starters, lots of people are going to die. I mean a massive amount. At least a third of us would have to die to just prove a point. I don’t know if that’s really worth it. I’m not willing to die so that people who don’t exist yet have even more rights than they would already have in today’s world. I don’t think you would be willing to either. Some countries do need bloody violent revolutions. That’s because in those countries they live in huts and can’t have their late night talk show hosts do parody interviews about their leaders. Have you seen an episode of The People’s Republic of the Congo’s “Late Night with Dirikeyumbo Mononotouba”? It’s all dick jokes. That one mention of how oppressive the dictator is. The second thing that I will mention about revolutions in this paragraph is that there are too many damn people in the United States for it. We’re too big and too spread out for it to ever be successful. What will end up happening is we’d break up into little territories. We’d basically become Russia. Nobody wants to be Russia. They’re so 80s.

I really don’t even know what there is to complain about politically in this country. Yeah, the distribution of wealth stinks. Families hoard all of their money and for generations their spoiled kids go on to be wealthy and successful too. The only way to stop this is to stop fucking these people. If you meet a Kennedy, do not sleep with them. Don’t let the Carnegies, the Bushes, and the Rockefellers of the world into your pants. If we stop having sex with them then they stop existing. Think of them like pandas. Let’s make those tycoons extinct by forcing them to have sex with each other only to produce inbred children with ears for legs.

I urge you, don’t start a revolution. Leave your Muse songs or your Rise Against music in your file of music title “Good idea, bad approach.” Yeah, the government stinks and they could probably do more to help us out. I just don’t think things are so bad when the worst thing that happens in your day is that your iPad has too much grease on the screen.

Before you leave thinking this is a complaint about not being allowed to say “Merry Christmas” allow me to say that it’s not really about that. This post is a little scatter brained. I’m not sure why. I’m usually right on point! This is more about Christmas. It’s about every day life and having to make sure everybody is happy. The Christmas spirit is only my inspiration. I hope all my Christians/Americans/English readers enjoyed their Christmas and hope the rest of you saw a good movie.

I don’t care much for political correctness. It’s a pretty new thing for us. I think we used to be too stupid to notice these things. All political correctness comes down to is a definition. Many words mean many things. A jackass can be a donkey or an idiot or a man named Jack’s butt. It’s usually pretty obvious which one someone is talking about when they use the word. This probably wasn’t the best example. Being called a donkey, an idiot, or a man named Jack’s butt are all bad things. Unless Jack does lots of squats. Then it could be a compliment.

The political correctness that annoys me most is the kind where everyone needs to be included. Yes. Everyone should be welcomed everywhere. I agree. You should be allowed to enter any public place that you wish and apply for any job and have every opportunity as everyone else. So what’s the problem? The problem is when people have a problem. Do you really think that many people sit down and write emails about how much South Park pissed them off? Most of us are mature enough to know that if we hate something on TV that we change the channel then complain about it on our blogs. I could list who I blame for this but they’re all people who are on the extreme right or extreme left of the political spectrum. The Bible Thumpers on the right and the Bob Marley T-Shirt Wearers on the left are the exact same thing. They’re not happy. They’re miserable terds who have always gotten what they wanted in life and now feel the need to ruin everything for you and me. Us moderates need to stick together. We know that we need to pick and choose our battles and that not everything will work out our way. We’re better than them. We use reason and logic and don’t get our inspiration from 2,000 year old books and Bruce Springsteen songs.

I have two examples of political correctness that have me growing out my hair longer just so I can rip it out in a couple of months. Please, feel free to share your observations with me. I have a big head, hence lots of hair. I need more reasons to pull out my hair.

The first one was an advertisement for a high school play. It wasn’t quite on a billboard as much as it was on a small piece of cardboard in front of a liquor store. Location. Location. Location. That’s what advertising is all about. You’d have to be drunk to see a high school play that your kid isn’t in. The play was called “12 Angry People.” Hmmm. I didn’t know high schools did original plays. Maybe I’m not as well-versed in theater as I thought. I use my thinking schools and remember that there is a play called “12 Angry Men.” Oh no. Did they–they did. They changed the name of a play to be more politically correct! No! No! No! It’s 12 Angry Men. 12 pissed off guys with dicks and balls. I get that mostly girls act in these high school plays so maybe that’s why the name was changed. But how about this. Don’t do that play! How cheap are you that you have to do a play that all takes place in one room? Your entire scenery budget was paying a janitor to move a large table onto the stage. Stick with classics like Anne, Oliver Twist, or Big. Yes. My middle school did the theatrical and musical version of the Tom Hanks movie Big. The letter was all in small letters too which only me and one other person noticed. We planned on writing a musical called SMALL which is just the film in reverse. We’re lazy and instead occasionally mention it for a laugh.

The second example came from a radio advertisement. A woman talks to her husband. She wants to know what she should get for him. What a good wife. She asks him “What do you want for the Holidays?” Huh? Wait–people talk like that? I have never wished a loved one a happy holiday. Do you know why? I know which holiday it is that they celebrate! The man proceeds to tell her that he wants a pulled pork hoagie. It was an ad for sandwiches, mind you. The fact that he’s eating pork kind of tells you that he’s a heathen Christian. He celebrates Christmas! And their voices weren’t nasally or whiny. Clearly WASPs. Christians only celebrate two holidays in the “holiday season.” Christmas and New Year’s. For Christmas we get gifts. For New Year’s we get someone pregnant. Your birthday around October 5th? You might be a New Year’s conceived baby. I get that they want to attract people who don’t celebrate Christmas but why not find a better way to word it? Like “Hey, you haven’t given me your wish-list yet. What do you want? We’re running out of time!” Something corny like that where you still don’t mention the dreaded Christmas holiday but don’t offend those who don’t celebrate it. And who would not go buy a delicious sandwich just because they mention Christmas? If you are so caught up in your beliefs that someone as miniscule as that will turn you off from buying a product then you need to really consider what’s more important, eternal salvation or a delicious mother watering sandwich.

Things will probably never change. Why should they? There are enough ways to get around it and there are enough traditionalists like me out there who see nothing offensive about including everyone. Not everyone has to like you. If you’re someone who everyone likes, you’re phony. You have no opinion. There are plenty of people who I don’t like but I respect because shit, they stand their ground and are always open to being corrected when they’re wrong. For all we know life is nothing but a dream. We could be in the Matrix. Or on the fingernail of someone else in a Universe that isn’t even known to the person whose fingernail that belongs to. Doesn’t that blow your mind? Stop fretting about making everyone happy. It’s not your job. That’s Brian Regan’s job. Everyone loves a Fig Newton joke.

Christmas, the most wonderful time of year. I know it’s not specifically Christmas. Chanukah is also part of the most wonderful time of year. I don’t consider Chanukah very wonderful though. It’s a celebration of not running out of oil for 8 days. My car can only last about 5 before I have to fill up my tank. If my car got better gas mileage than maybe I would understand Chanukah a little bit more. And why am I spelling it Chanukah? I’m used to Hanukkah. I don’t get it. Why two spellings? I’m sure it has something to do with translations, but why not make up your mind? Oye Vey! I hate indecisiveness.

This is the first holiday season that I’m feeling terrible about it. I never used to get those jokes about Christmas Suicides. I always thought it was funny because who would ever kill themselves on Christmas? It’s such a happy day. You get presents and time with your family. The older I get, the lonelier I get. The lonelier I get, the less people I have in my life. The less people I have in my life, the angrier I become. Skip forward a few more cause and effects and we got to the point of feeling the holiday blues. I totally get this now. Most holidays I feel pretty bummed out myself. They’re not the same as they used to be when I was younger. Now they feel forced. Almost as if the family is trying to recapture the wonderful moments of ignorance we had when there were children involved. It’s killing me inside to continue to pretend that I believe in Santa. But I’m doing it for the family. I want to keep this magic going. The second I admit I know the truth they’ll make me bathe myself. I have short arms. There’s no way I can cover every inch of my body with these things.

(Sometimes I forget I have arms, they’re so short. I really should just have hands that shoot out of my shoulders like this guy)

It’s not necessarily the holidays in general that I think bum people out. December is pretty gloomy itself. It’s dark by 4:30 and starts to become cold. This would make anyone with a heart depressed. Being alone on the holidays is something that I know I will have to endure at some point in my life. It’s slightly scary but I know that I’m not alone in that. At some point we all have to spend the important holidays alone. Unless you’re a Siamese twin. I’ll bet that a Siamese twin never reads this. When I say Siamese twin, I also mean that both their legs have to hit the ground. I don’t count the ones with someone attached to their forehead as Siamese twins. As Doug Stanhope said, they’re people with midgets attached to them. I’m sure you know the TLC whore I’m talking about. You’re probably more confused as to what a TLC whore is. It’s someone who is on the channel TLC way too much. Usually they’re freaks.

(You monster)

My holiday woes are simple. I have to be in too many places at one time. Don’t tell me to go out and rent “Four Christmases” so I can have something to relate to. Reese Witherspoon hasn’t been cute in years and Vince Vaughn hasn’t been funny in centuries.

(“Vince Vaughn, very funny.” – Caveman, 10,001 B.C.)

There isn’t an extensive travel list that I have to go through. It’s just that I have to travel at all that bothers me. Christmases past I wouldn’t have to go anywhere. I liked those years. I would go into the front yard and play catch with my dad with my new football. Or if I didn’t get a football we’d play catch with one of my sister’s gifts. This year I’ll be at every corner of New Jersey over the weekend. I’ll be traveling 500 miles total in 3 days. I know, I thought New Jersey was pretty small too. I could probably get to the Carolinas for that mileage. I don’t know what I’d do there. Visit Raleigh? Get away with a hate crime?

The more I think about it there are Christmas images that beg us to all kill ourselves. Wreathes look like green nooses. Angels are everywhere and that’s what we turn into when we die. Look how cute most of those angels are! I want to be one of them. Then there’s that whole random Jesus aspect thrown into Christmas. I don’t get it either. Jesus is such a deathly image. He’s always on a cross looking like he’s in agony. We used to have one of those hanging above our house phone in my childhood home. Then we found out that we were the only family in the world that still used a landline so we threw it in the garbage disposal. I’m kidding. It was the trash. No way in hell would we have a landline but be able to afford a garbage disposal.

I’ve never known anyone to kill themselves around Christmas. Most suicides I know of happen around Thanksgiving. I never got that. That’s like killing yourself on a Monday. There’s still time. There’s still hope. Tuesday and Wednesday are the perfect days to kill yourself. All hope of having a good week might be gone and you’re too far away from a fresh start. If I ever killed myself it would be on a Tuesday at midnight. That’s called suicidal compromise. I would not do it around Thanksgiving either. Thanksgiving makes me hopeful of having a good Christmas. I already know this year will be pretty lame (how can it not be lousy with that attitude?) but that’s okay. Whether or not my Christmas is good or if I go into it with a negative attitude, it’ll happen. All over the world children will be eager and wake up early. I’ll probably rise around 10 in the morning and won’t talk to anyone until noon. Maybe a neighbor. And what would I even say to them? “Merry Christmas I don’t know you.” That’s exactly what I will say. Christmas has no boundaries when it comes to wishing someone to have a merry one. You don’t have to know a person to wish them luck. Maybe that’s what it’s all about. Connecting with others. Making someone feel special. Smiling for no reason other than the fact that you have something in this world.

I wrote this hoping to complain about how much I am not excited about Christmas this year. Instead I found its true meaning. Not worrying about how it will turn out. It’s still Christmas whether it’s a good day or not. That’s all that’s important. That it happens. Good, bad, or neutral. Christmas is coming. Don’t kill yourself until after it sucks.

(I’ll need a lot of acid if I want my Christmas to look a thing like this. Although Bunsen does remind me of my Grandma)

“Merry Christmas to all and to all a good fight!” – What Michael Buffer should say if there’s ever a big Christmas boxing match

Holiday Battles

Posted: May 28, 2011 in May 2011
Tags: , ,

Memorial Day is coming up. It’s a day that way pay memorial to soldiers. Not all soldiers though. Just the American ones. And not all of the American ones. Just the ones that do what they’re told. God, Memorial Day is hard to figure out.

Speaking of God, he hates Memorial Day. Every holiday seems to be for God and then Memorial Day comes along. This makes God angry. This makes him tear open his white shirt and smash things and do other God things.

I’m finally going to figure out who has more holidays, God or American soldiers.

January:

New Year’s Day-This is a soldier holiday. God has to work on New Year’s Day. He has to create new babies and kill off drunks in car accidents. Soldiers go into Times Square and dip floozies in the middle of the street.

God: 0 Soldiers: 1

Martin Luther King’s Birthday-This is a God holiday. MLK Jr. was a very good person despite what your racist face thinks. He helped move blacks up from 3/5th’s of a person up to an entire person. That’s why they’re so tall now.

God: 1 Soldiers: 1

February:

Groundhogs Day-This is a God holiday. God created Groundhogs. Soldiers practice shooting Groundhogs at boot camp. It’s not Dead Groundhogs Day. This one goes to God.

God: 2 Soldiers: 1

Valentine’s Day-Named after St. Valentine, the ruthless Romanian warlord of love, this is a holiday particularly for soldiers. They get to see their wives one last time before finding out that she is now dating a truck driver. It’s their last day of enjoyment.

God: 2 Soldiers: 2

President’s Day-A lot of presidents are former soldiers. A lot of presidents also think that they’re a God. That makes this one a bit of a draw. However, I have a penny and it came up with the war hero Lincoln’s face on it. This one goes to soldiers.

God: 2 Soldiers: 3

March:

St. Patrick’s Day-If my history is correct in my brain, St. Patrick chased off a bunch of snakes in Ireland with a stick. God never liked snakes. Even though he let them into the Garden of Eden, he didn’t like them. In fact, wasn’t that snake the devil? Wow, God needs better security if his arch nemesis can sneak into the nicest club on earth. Still, this one goes to him.

God: 3 Soldiers: 3

April:

April Fool’s Day-Both God and soldiers are known to be practical jokesters. God uses floods, volcanoes, and Top 40 Radio to pull his pranks on humanity. Soldiers usually point and laugh at small Arab masked penises. God wins.

God: 4 Soldiers: 3

Easter-Is there any argument here? God had his son killed for a holiday. Now that’s a man that enjoys wearing a holiday sweater.

God: 5 Soldiers: 3

May:

Memorial Day-Like the above (no, not the word May, no not the score, the one about Easter) this one has a clear cut winner that needs no argument. Although, God has created everything so I guess all holidays should be his. But throwing out that argument, the soldiers pick up this lay-up.

God: 5 Soldiers: 4

June-

Flag Day-An entire day to celebrate o’le Glory. But more than that we’re celebrating soldiers…or are we? God appears in many phrases in American culture. Most notably, on the back of a dollar bill. Soldiers die for the flag and that is why they should win this one. But still, they are fighting for God & Country. The flag represents country, but God comes first. God gets the win here.

God: 6 Soldiers: 4

July:

Independence Day-I don’t want to fuck over the soldiers with another loss right here. But, God is mentioned in the Declaration of Independence. At least, I think he is. So much for separation of church and state if he is. I used to own a copy of the Declaration of Independence. I never looked at it. I hired an ex-militant to kill the person that gave it to me. Soldiers get the win.

God: 6 Soldiers: 5

August:

There are no holidays this month. Not even a stretch of a holiday. What an awful month.

September:

Labor Day-God works 6 days a week. That’s an awful lot. Single moms sometimes work that much. Single moms usually have to work Sunday too though. God always gets off. Soldiers have to work 7 days a week. The only advantage they have is that they haven’t had to work for 6,000 years (that’s right, the world is only 6,000 years old, the Bible tells me so). This is one of the few days a year where soldiers can throw down their guns and barbecue. This one is for them.

God: 6 Soldiers: 6

October:

Columbus Day-This is a day to celebrate the discovery of America by Christopher Columbus. The last time I checked (Tuesday) Christopher Columbus was not God. Was he a soldier? I don’t think so. But his brother in law was. As he stepped off the Santa Maria, he said “This is for my brother in law Rod!” Rod was a soldier. Soldiers win.

God: 6 Soldiers: 7

Halloween-A lot of religious people hate this holiday. I’m not sure why. I usually see slutty angels and demonic priests walking around this day more than I do any other day that a gay parade isn’t going on. People never really dress up as God for Halloween. How could you? He’s not that public. We’re not really sure what he looks like. He’s like J.D. Salinger. I’ve seen plenty of people dressed as soldiers for Halloween.

God: 6 Soldiers: 8

November:

Election Day-Soldiers usually vote. They use something called an absentee ballot. I know this because there was complaining about this a few years back. I had never heard of an absentee ballot before then. Hanging Chad was also a new term. God never votes. He doesn’t have to. He’s God for his sake. He can break down the voting booths if he wants to. That’s badass.

God: 7 Soldiers: 8

Thanksgiving-Soldiers always come home on this day. It’s weird because it’s a Thursday. Soldiers usually are torturing infidels this day. God has little to no involvement in Thanksgiving. At least not in my version. The Bible never mentions turkeys or squash. Soldiers talk about those things all the time. So do black guys from the 70s. They squash jive turkeys.

God: 7 Soldiers: 9

December:

Christmas-God.

God: 8 Soldiers: 9

Hanukah-I have never met a Jewish soldier. I’m not even sure if I’ve ever met a soldier. Or a Jew. Definitely never the hybrid of the two. This is another toss up. Luckily I have a dradle on hand. I spun it and it came up with famous Jewish God Abraham Lincoln’s face. God picks up this win.

God: 9 Soldiers: 9

Kwanza-I’m not going to bother with this one. It’s not a real holiday anyway.

God: 9 Soldiers: 9

Boxing Day-Canada’s finest…but I’m only doing American holidays. What about those Canadian immigrants? I’ll honor them. Canadians aren’t very religious people. They’re also not very good soldiers. They have a leaf on their flag and don’t mention God much or if at all in their national anthem. Still, it’s hard to give this one to the soldiers. I’ll determine this as who would win in a boxing match, God or the toughest soldier in the world. In a 2 second knockout, God wins.

God: 10 Soldiers: 9

New Year’s Eve-God is a good human being/creator/aluminous ball of intelligent gas, he concedes this one to the soldiers. He wants to have an equal amount of holidays for himself and for the soldiers. God is not a Communist despite his socialist view points. God has no political party. He supports our troops. You should support our troops. Tie a yellow ribbon on your car or to a tree. I think that’s what you do for soldiers. It might be what you do for missing children. But aren’t soldiers nothing more than missing children with large guns?