Posts Tagged ‘hungry’

I forgot I had a file on my computer labeled “Submissions.” Despite your best guest, this fall was not filled with different ways to tie a girl down. These were things I had planned to submit to popular humor websites like University Funny or Cocained. I was tired of always being rejected on everything I submitted so this file sat dormant and untouched since June 20th when I guess I last added something to it. This is just a little behind the scenes as to where this little ditty came from. I was going to submit some of these along with the other things I am writing for Yahoo, but I don’t want to be too edgy there, plus I can live without the 5 cents this would earn me.

What Your Breakfast Choice Says About Your Sex Life

Hearty-Breakfast

Can your choice of breakfast really give others an idea what you are like in bed? Scientists will say no. Keep in mind, many scientists do not believe in Intelligent Design. This means scientists must believe in Unintelligent Design. Conclusion, scientists are stupid and you can indeed tell what a person is like in bed based on their breakfast choices.

What does OATMEAL for breakfast say about my sex life?

You’re not flashy, you don’t care what anyone else thinks, you have sex because it’s just something you think you should do, and sex with you is somewhat bland but you are very filling nonetheless.

What do POPTARTS for breakfast say about my sex life?

You tend to remain flat, anyone can do everything you can in the matter of seconds, and the older you get the more you will realize this is for kids.

What do PANCAKE for breakfast say about my sex life?

You have a really good reputation, you go well with anything and at any time of the day, and you’re near perfect.

What do WAFFLES for breakfast say about my sex life?

You’re trying too hard to do what the pancake does better. Give up. You’ll never be as good.

What does FRESH FRUIT for breakfast say about my sex life?

You’re boring, you have no imagination or willingness to be daring, and you’re probably a lonely person who will die that way.

What does CEREAL for breakfast say about my sex life?

You are a lot better in theory, in the beginning you’re pretty good, after a while you get a little too soggy, and you tend to make a bigger mess than anyone ever expected.

What do EGGS for breakfast say about my sex life?

You know a million different ways to do it and each way ends with you having terrible gas.

What does COLD PIZZA for breakfast say about my sex life?

You don’t put much thought into anything you do, you tend to not finish what you started the night before and try to make up for it the next morning, and you think having something is better than having nothing at all.

What does HAVING NOTHING for breakfast say about my sex life?

You were probably too busy jerking off to have time to prepare anything for breakfast. Get some granola bars.

I have made it no secret how much I love food. I have seen sandwiches I wanted to have sex with. Other than Swiss cheese or a bagel I’m not sure how one would go about doing “it” with food. I guess you could stick just about anything up your butt. Then there’s the whole question on how lesbians have sex. I’m not going to get into that. If I question someone’s lifestyle or how they go about things I will seem insensitive. I’ve lived long enough to know you’re better off being lost than asking questions so you understand things better. Scissoring aside, there are a few edible items however that I do not have much love for. Believe it or not, there are some foods I think are bad.

Ham: I do not like ham. It’s the only animal flesh I get a little sick thinking about. Hamburgers are great but it’s plain ham that grosses me out. It’s salty, pink, and I imagine it to be the way a tire might taste. What’s wrong with eating turkey on the holidays? Turkeys are much more obnoxious than pigs, let’s kill them and feast instead. I also seem to be the only person on earth who doesn’t like bacon. I think hot dogs are wonderful so it’s not my inner Muslim coming out. If you ever have me over for dinner and want me to go home hungry, serve up some ham.

(What fat kid ever would agree to be called Ham? Not only is it dead flesh, it comes from the token lazy fat animal, the pig. Maybe this is why Patrick Renna grew up to be a Scientologist)

Fried Calamari: There was a point when I loved fried calamari. It lasted about two months and now I literally want to throw up whenever I think about it. I would actually leave me house to get fried calamari from a local fish place. That’s right, when my parents were still providing me with groceries I would leave the home and spend my own money for food I loved it so much. I think what happened was I ate too much of it. The creepiest thing is this was the kind of calamari that looks like calamari, with the creepy legs and such. I’ve heard the average person eats 10 spiders a year while sleeping. Eating fried calamari is like eating two dozen giant spiders in one sitting.

(Fry this up and call it calamari. No one will notice the difference because people who eat so many fried foods are in denial about way too much already)

Spaghetti: I don’t hate spaghetti by any stretch. If someone handed me a bowl of spaghetti I would eat it no problem. I just think it’s a very overrated food is all. Baked ziti is where it’s at. You can put a piece of baked ziti into your mouth, blow into it, and a whistling sound will come out. I know, badass right? I know I’m going to sound like a dirty Guinea here but my mom made the best baked ziti with meat sauce. Eating plain spaghetti feels like you’re eating pure future bottom of the stomach fat. When I eat I like to at least give my body a shot at not getting fatter.

Ribs: Again, I don’t mind ribs but I really do mind having incredibly messy fingers. Chicken wings are different. I could eat chicken wings until the cows come home then laugh about how all the chickens were slaughtered so I had an appetizer to dip into my bleu cheese. I think I ate ribs once at a barbecue. It was in 2008 when everyone had Obama-mania. Ribs were all anybody had.

(Do you know how I know God isn’t black? He didn’t dip Eve in barbecue sauce)

Those Orange and Green Fruits in a Fruit Salad: Don’t you hate those fuckers at the bottom of a fruit salad? Fuckers is the only thing I know to call them. They’re some kind of melon. The worst thing about them I believe is they are the first thing the evil fruit salad creators put into the container. They’re always at the bottom so that way you buy your fruit salad thinking you’ve just got delicious blueberries, strawberries, kiwis, and watermelon. Then you get to the bottom and see these assholes sitting there completely tasteless. I don’t waste food very often but sometimes I will toss these out my car window.

Seltzer: It’s not food but Seltzer sucks. They try to give it flavors so you’re tricked into thinking you’re drinking more than disgusting flavored water. How about you just piss in my mouth instead? My sister once said at Six Flags that she was so thirsty she would drink Seltzer. I guess it’s an acquired taste that comes from having terrible DNA.

(One of the first pictures that came up when typing “Seltzer Fan” into Google. not only does he look like this, he’s waiting to see Vampires Suck, a film by Aaron Seltzer. Yuck)

Walnuts: I have had a nut obsession these last few months. I’ve been eating peanuts or almonds for lunch and every so often I’ll get pistachios to pull apart while I take a bath. I tried walnuts because I’m a fan of nuts and also think walls are very important. I was very disappointed. Walnuts taste like old people fingers. I have never tasted old people fingers in this lifetime but a psychic once took $10 from me and said I had tasted them in my past life. Wet walnuts are wonderful though because they’re smothered in a disgusting high fructose corn syrup ejaculate. Doesn’t that defeat the whole purpose of eating a healthy nut? It’s like those people we know who go to the gym 5 days a week and eat like shit. Has it ever occurred to them to maybe skip a few desserts and they’d actually see results?

How about you, what are some foods you hate? Don’t say cheese. I eat cheese by the block.

Everyone reading this right now eats. Knowing what I do about you, you probably eat way too much. It’s fine. I eat a lot too. In the last year alone my eating escapades have included an entire box of cereal three times in one sitting, an entire roasted chicken in one standing (sitting would have only delayed eating time), and most happily my adventure eating an entire stick of butter just because I could. Maybe the butter was actually two years ago but I’m mentioning it anyway because I’m trying to impress women here. The way to a man’s heart is by being impressed with how much he can eat. And that’s what we’re going to talk about today, the eating habits we have from the time we’re birthed to the time we tragically die skydiving at age 90.

(Last Wednesday I was sick so I ate a box of waffles and a box of Wheat Thins because you’re supposed to starve a cold and feed a fever. I had a fever. I had to make sure to feed it)

When we’re first born we can’t eat much. We either suck everything out from a tit (oh to be a baby again) or have crummy mashed fruits and vegetables. I think it was 4 years ago when I actually bought a thing of baby food to taste it. Very disappointing. The baby on the label looked much happier than I was. I don’t remember eating at all when I was a baby. I do remember seeing one picture of me at around 3-4 when I wasn’t fat. Really, a picture of me not looking fat was the rarest thing on earth. Indiana Jones would have risked his life to find this relic. I must have been a bad boy and was denied food for a while because there’s no other explanation for why the boy who had to be tempted with candy to finally use the toilet would look so slim.

(Lifesavers are what my mom gave me once I finally took a dump in the real toilet. I don’t remember how old I was but I was old enough to remember her sitting on the tub’s edge staring at me as I let my chips fall)

Once school starts eating becomes more of a social thing. At a young age we eat to survive and block out the pain of not having every toy we want. In elementary school they made us sit with our classes to eat lunch. I guess they thought this was safer than having kids run around all over the place. Then scientists did tests on the food they were serving and realized they were killing us with cardboard pizza. I bought lunch 4 days of the week I was such a foodie. I only cried once about lunch because it was chicken cheesesteak and my dad told me it was regular cheesesteak. I cried so hard I was hoping they would send me hope. God forbid I try something new. And guess what, I actually liked chicken cheesesteak! That’s what I miss most about kindergarten, crying and getting sent home which I did very often.

When middle school started we got to pick who we sat with. Or I can put that another way and say the girls got to choose not to sit anywhere near me. The cafeteria food was a bit better and they had real Dominos every Friday. For I think $8 you could buy an entire pie. The key to this was not bringing lunch on Fridays. You would befriend a rich kid who nobody liked and would have cash to buy an entire pie. Even I have never finished an entire pizza. Toward the end of lunch the person you’re taking advantage of will see he has a lot of food left. Not wanting to be wasteful he would offer you a slice or two. My friends caught onto the strategy me and another fat kid used every Friday. He was actually poor. I was just a master of manipulation.

(Stupid Matt would grease himself up and carry an empty bowl with him in hopes people would toss pizza into it. Stupid kid. You can’t eat pizza from a bowl)

I only ate lunch in high school the first two years. The lines were so long that it wasn’t worth it if you weren’t first in line. I usually spent lunch doing homework. My time at home was the time I could eat. This was also around the same age when you could go out with your friends and eat. I think I went out for pizza once with a friend. My dad took us then he went outside to smoke because at least his cigarettes couldn’t grow up to be queer like he was certain I was on my way to. The worst was always going out with your family to eat and seeing classmates there without adult supervision. You’d always have to pretend your parents weren’t your parents; they were kidnappers who happened to have the same hairlines. I remember at Pizza Hut telling my parents to call me Scott because I was so embarrassed of a kid whose mom drove a school bus of making fun of me.

After high school ends you’re pretty much on your own when it comes to eating. Your parents toss you out on the street with a bag of bread and an egg and flip you the bird then send you on your way. At least this is what my life was. Adults have strange eating habits. Adults either have no shame or all they do is have shame. I’ve seen hot girls eating in their cars. My hand to God’s nose or however the saying goes, hot girls! What’s a hot girl doing eating in her car? That’s where creeps like me eat. Look under my car seats, there are pieces of food I haven’t eaten in months. I guess it’s better than what other adults do. Adults who attack any piece of food they see like they’re some starving mouse. I never want turn into someone without dignity.

(You’re so beautiful! Put the cake down! You’re going to end up working in my office if you don’t and your life will revolve around the monthly birthday celebration)

I’m not sure what really old people do foodwise. My only inkling is my grandfather yelling at me to keep my elbows off the table. Does prune juice still exist? I know geezers like that stuff because when you get to a certain age you drink foods that in their solid form resemble your face.

Tags

Posted: February 22, 2012 in Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , , , , ,

It’s February and people are tagging me. Don’t they see how everyone else is sick right now? That’s a good way to spread a disease! LOLLLL I was going to start this off with a picture of a skin tag but decided against it as I don’t want that picture on my computer.

The two taggers (that sounds racist) were in no order other than the order they did it in Simple Observations and Adair You. Thanks guys!

Rules

1. You must post the rules.
2. Answer the questions the tagger set for you in their post and then create eleven new questions to ask the people you’ve tagged.
3. Tag eleven people and link to them on your post.
4. Let them know you’ve tagged them!

Here are my answers to their questions:

1. If a magical Genie granted you three wishes with the condition that you could keep one, but had to give the other two away; what would they be? My first wish would be to be the best in the world at something that I can do for a living that makes me happy, successful, and reasonably wealthy. It doesn’t have to be too stinking rich, but enough where I don’t feel guilty about buying soft toilet paper. That’s the one I’d keep. My second wish would be a cure for cancer. I’d give that one away to some nice scientist so he could get credit and win a prize. My last wish would be for a new incurable disease even worse than cancer. Only one person would ever have it and whoever my biggest enemy at the time would be given this wish.

2. What chore do you hate doing the most? Cleaning in general annoys me. Doing the dishes is something I don’t mind. But even the 5 minutes of scrubbing the toilet or bath tub is dreadful in my eyes. Laundry is annoying too because I have to go outside to do it. My neighbors see me sometimes and say hello. So I guess being friendly to those around me is my least favorite chore.

3. Do you or anyone else think you look like a living or dead, famous person? Yes. I get lots of these. The most recent was Billy Corgan which I don’t look like at all. It’s because everyone born after 1990 thinks all people with short hair look like him. Everyone born before that go to Michael Stipe. I think I look like a chubby-faced Joel McHale and when I starve myself my face looks like Red Sox second baseman Dustin Pedroia. Both our eyes droop when we don’t get our vitamins.

4. Are you a morning or a night person? Neither. I’m barely a person. I either have to get things done immediately after waking up or the last three hours before going to bed. I take it back. Neither isn’t my answer. Both is more accurate.

5. If you could be one superhero; who would it be, and why? Batman. Hands down I would be Bruce Wayne. He’s rich, sleeps around, and handsome. Except when he was Michael Keaton. Why was he ever Batman? Batman is a regular guy and if he ever wanted to he could just walk away from the superhero business. He has options. Superman is stuck being pussy whipped forever by that clod Lois Lane.

6. What were the best and worst gifts you ever received? I’ll say the best was tickets to a comedy show I wasn’t expecting from my older sister this past Christmas. I don’t know if it was actually the best as much as it was the most surprising. The worst is anything my grandmother has gotten me that didn’t have a dollar sign on it. She gave me banana bread one year. Don’t get me wrong, banana bread is delicious but it shouldn’t be wrapped up in newspaper and given to a child.

7. Can you describe who you really are in 20 words or less? Probably not. I think I’d have a better chance at describing myself in a Haiku. I’m not even quite sure who I really am. I’m not complicated or anything. I’m not one in a million or “just your average guy” like everyone claims to be. I’m me. A self-conscience, lost, monkey in tap shoes trying to please others for no real reason at all, righteous, sneaky person. I’m not bad or good. If reincarnation exists, in the next life I will be something neutral. Like a Swiss grasshopper.

8. What was the hardest thing you ever had to do? Pooping on a high protein diet can be difficult. I don’t think that’s what you mean. I’ve never had to do anything really that hard. As long as I’m not the first to do something I assure myself that I can survive it.

9. If you had to give up one modern convenience; what would it be? I don’t use most modern conveniences in general. At home, I don’t have cable, the Internet, a toaster, more than one lamp, or any Apple Products. I’d choose iPods though. I guess they’re convenient because all of your music is in one place. I only own five CDs anyway. I don’t need them to be in one place. I also wouldn’t mind giving up cars if I could somehow still make money without one. Prostitution could work.

10. What was the strangest dream you ever had, about? Every dream I have is strange. My most memorable ones are the ones that I wake up and try to write in my phone what happened. I had one where the fat guy, Craig, from Malcolm in the Middle came to my birthday party with a guitar. He sang a song entitled “Just Like The Pope” which was about how I had the same birthday as The Pope. I don’t have the same birthday as The Pope. But I did write a full version of the song because of it. I also had another dream which inspired me to write a television pilot. It’s probably my favorite one I’ve written. A popular girl in high school gave me a blow job in one dream. That one was really inaccurate.

11. What scares you? Other than the obvious, wasting my life. I would hate to die and know that everything I’ve put hard work into accomplishing was for nothing. So please, if I die prematurely, go through my computer and find all of the files that I have been working on. I promise you won’t find any pornography.

1. Die a bit younger with all your facilities or, die at a ripe old age, having no idea what is going on? Definitely a bit younger. Isn’t a bit younger like 73 now? That’s a lot of time. It’ll be 2060 when I die. I already don’t have much of a clue as to what’s going on. And how are old people ripe? They’re rotten if anything.

2. Have you ever eaten gefilte fish? No and I can’t imagine saying that without a thick Jewish woman’s accent. Which if you’re an agent, I can do.

3. Your perfect companion. I guess my girlfriend? I don’t know if she reads my blog that often. If she does, definitely her. If she doesn’t, someone who is even more like the female version of myself. I guess in the end I am my own perfect companion. I never steal food from myself. That’s always a worry of mine if trapped somewhere like an Alaskan cave.

4. Do you still write real letters? No, but I do handwrite ideas. I used to write letters all of the time to sports heroes. I still have some that I never sent out. Stamps are expensive.

5. Movie or play or book? Not a play. I’ve never seen a play that really blew me away. Books are good because they give hours of entertainment. And you can always go back and look at certain parts. A movie seems like a 2 or 3 time thing. I can’t watch too many movies more than that. If I can quote the movie, it was on TBS way too often. “Not these guys again!” – Brendan Fraser, The Mummy Returns

6. What have you done you’d prefer your parents not discover? I haven’t done anything all that bad. Especially not compared to them. There are no actions I’ve done that I’m afraid of hiding. It’s the things that I am that scare me. Like not mysterious enough to have something to hide.

7. Do you/Did you like your in-laws? I guess we can go with my girlfriend’s family? They’re fine. Nice people who have never said or done anything directly at me to my face. I wouldn’t associate with them in any other circumstance. I have very neutral feelings. They’re just there and don’t really impact my life all that much. Kind of like caterpillars.

8. Regular coffee or the fancy schmancy stuff? None. I would choose the fancy stuff though. It’s fancy and I’m a fancy man. I own two pairs of dress shoes. How’s that for fancy?

9. One thing on your bucket list. Move somewhere completely different. It’s the scariest feeling in the world to know that I’m in a completely new place. To me, that’s like skydiving and playing football with a baby whilst doing so. Frightening.

10. Biggest surprise you’ve had. That my life is not one iota like I thought it would be. I probably aimed too high. I figured I’d have at least one MVP Award by now. Instead I toil away in mediocrity. Eating cereal for lunch in my car.

11. Pick an ethnicity other than you own. Why? Black. I’m surrounded by them right now and they’d hit me if I didn’t choose them. If I had to be another ethnicity I would be Asian though. They’re the wave of the future. Everyone likes a good Asian Underdog Story. Look at Jeremy Lin. People who don’t even know what Asia is love the guy.

And now for my questions. The following people have been tagged to answer them.

Your Daily Dose

Grounding My Roots

Hard to Say Really

Delicious Suspicious

A Spoonful of Suga

MindOverMadness

The Camel Life

Wind Up My Skirt

RobPixaday

Cessel

MindWarpFX

1. When you were a child, what did you want to be when you grew up? What did you think you would become?

2. Who is your biggest celebrity crush?

3. Angels, Bigfoots, or Aliens; which one do you think is most likely to exist?

4. What is something that everybody seems to enjoy that you hate?

5. If you opened your front door and I was there, what would you say? What would you really be thinking?

6. What is your favorite movie and why?

7. There has to be something that you believe you’re the best at, what is it?

8. Who is the ugliest person you know and why are they so ugly?

9. Is love unconditional?

10. Lots of people have addictions. What is yours?

11. What is the nicest compliment you have ever received? What is something that you would like to be complimented more about you?

Prayers

Posted: September 9, 2011 in September 2011
Tags: , ,

I believe in the power of prayer. I don’t do it anymore. That’s because the one prayer I ever needed to make came true. I was five and this was it:

“Dear God, please never be there for me, everyone I love, and every starving child in the world who unjustly has to suffer only because they were born out of the wrong woman. Let there be massive flooding in some parts of the world and not nearly enough in others. If you could, God, please make me and everyone else self conscious of themselves, not self aware, but self conscious. We shouldn‘t like ourselves enough even though we aren‘t so bad. Let the bad guys win more than the good guys. Let the government take advantage of the poor. God, I want you to let people get sick and suffer. I want the innocent to be murdered out of greed and lust. Finally, God, let suffering to continue both in the minds and bodies of every living person until the day they eventually die and no longer exist.”

Amen.