Posts Tagged ‘illuminati’

There are few American institutions that make me shiver as much as banks. We all know by now money means power. The purpose of a bank is to store money. That’s also the purpose of my mattress and the main difference between the two is I’ve never tied a girl down to my bank then left for the day to teach her a lesson in not being a dirty slut. I’ve had the same bank account since I was 6 years old and finally I am thinking about opening up a new one. In my quest to open up a new bank account I have rediscovered something, banks aren’t built to keep the burglars out, they’re built to keep your money in.

Around 2007 my dad went with me to TD Bank to open up a new account. He told me they had better benefits. Their computers crashed and they said they had no idea when they’d be operational again. My dad said some swear word and we left. That was the end of opening up a new bank account. Delay me once, I’ll take my business to where it already is, my family’s motto.

(All the flights are cancelled? Fine. I’ll just move into the town I’m staying in)

My dad always told me one thing I should think about doing was putting a lump sum on a bank CD. I forget what CD stands for but I’d guess the C stands for criminal. My dad made it seem like CDs were the best way to make money without risking anything in the stock markets. I looked into opening up a CD. My current bank offered what they claimed to be one of the best interest rates, 1.01%. I did the calculator and if I was going to put $500 into a CD it would mean after a year I would earn, stand back, about $8. When you put money on a CD it means you can’t touch it or however long you have signed up for or whatever. So you have $500 in the bank you cannot use only to make $8 in the end after a yearlong wait. Couldn’t you just get a minimum wage job and quit after a day?

(At 5 o’clock this woman intends on throwing boiling water onto her boss’s face. She will be fired, possibly tried in a court of law, but she will still make more money than anyone ever could on a bank CD)

I calculated higher amounts to see how much one would have to put down on a CD to actually benefit from this. I don’t remember for sure, I could probably do the math, but if you put $5,000 into a CD for 2 years you will earn, raise up your hands in anticipation, about $90. Wow! Not only do you have to earn $5,000 through hard-work/clever crime committing and save it up, you also have to not be able to touch the stuff for 2 years. All of this for $90. Don’t get me wrong, $90 can be a lot of money. You can buy a new video game, go to Chili’s and get the 2 for $20 menu option, buy a movie ticket, and buy a sandwich for the cash you’ve made waiting those long 2 years.

I get the purpose of banks is so you don’t have money sitting around in old coffee can tins. They do serve a purpose but the same can also be said about college, another institution no longer living up to what it claims to be. Colleges seem to be nothing more than a congregation place to put people in debt and a simpler way to spread STDs and overly liberal ideology. Why don’t we just say when we’re 18 “I want to do this.” And for 5 years we actually get a chance to do it. If we suck or don’t like it, we go off to working in a cubicle or tissue box factory.

(Somebody’s gotta make the tissue boxes. Once we all find out we’re not good at what we want to do in life there will be lots of tears)

Banks used to offer so much more. You used to actually be able to gain interest. I don’t know enough about bank history as to why making 11 cents a month is fantastic. I guess I should take it for what it is and be happy I at least live in a country where you have the opportunity to believe in yourself only to one day wake up and realize it’s nearly impossible to succeed unless you’re willing to stomp on a lot of heads, kind of like banks do.

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Posted: September 16, 2011 in September 2011
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The first time I heard of Netflix was over 5 years ago. It was more underground back then. Barely anyone I knew had an account. Flash forward and other than Redbox, they’re the only game in town outside of piracy. I don’t know about you, but I never trust a pirate. They can’t even take care of their own eyes and their parrots are always smartasses.

I used to enjoy having my Netflix account. I got rid of it 2 months ago because the new Sherlock Holmes was my next movie. Of the 400 films on my list, is that the one I really want to see the most? A misinterpretation of a classic character played by a drug addict? He was on Ally McBeal. Fuck this drunk ex-convict.

Deleting my account with Netflix was a hard thing to do only because my Internet Explorer was giving me problems. Other than that it was easy. With the recent price hikes, I felt I was more valuable to the community in martyring myself against the powers that be. This is $10 less dollars of my dad’s money that they will be getting. That’s one less cigar that the fat cats at Netflix HQ can light up. You can thank me later.

The way I see things now, Netflix is an evil company. It drove away all chances at Ma & Pa stores at doing any business. It even managed to take down the big boy, Blockbuster. Don’t you remember how great it was to go to a Blockbuster on a Friday night and they were all out of the movie you wanted to rent and you had to settle for something sub par? That was fun! Netflix has just made everything so simple and easy. I don’t like it. I like a challenge before watching my movies. I want them to mean something more outside of the production. Sadly, that’s been taken away. No more risking my life to see what Will Smith is up to. I only risk it by watching his films and having an aneurysm at the inconceivable dialogue.

Netflix has the invisible monopoly on the video rental business yet they still feel the need to advertise all over the Internet. It seems like half of the pop up advertisements are advertising for the most famous company in the world. No wonder the prices went up. They’re spending all of this cash on advertising to people who already know they exist. The only people who have never heard of Netflix are the same people who have never heard of DVDs. And those people don’t even have the Internet. I swear one day I will go back to and be treated to a pop up ad for in my stupid face. I don’t know the scientific term for this type of advertising. It’s invasive and irritating. Invasatating works.

If Netflix really wants more business they don’t need to be advertising. It gets annoying when I’m trying to look at some violent pornographic images and I’m being bombarded with them telling me to rent a Katherine Heigl movie. I’m sorry, I don’t trust people who are missing vowels in their names. That goes out to you former Minnesota Twins slugger Kent Hrbek. An extra “E” too hard to write? Eventually Netflix will probably be a stream only system and I don’t know if that’s a good or a bad thing. Either way, they will not be getting my business any time soon. Not until they offer me something new and valuable. Redbox is cheaper in the long run and most of them are near grocery stores which allows me to get snacks. I love snacks while watching a movie. That was another great thing about Blockbusters. Getting chocolate diabetes. And that’s what makes Katherine Heigl movies enjoyable. Looking away from the screen to eat your snacks as she clumsily falls or does whatever it is she does in her movies.


I guess this isn’t really an update. I haven’t posted this yet as most of my blogs are written like a week in advance. I have 23 pages of them right now. I like to be prepared for when I get “Writer’s Block” or just feel like a lazy asshole to come up with new ideas. Believe it or not, I am not a machine of thoughts. I am a human boy with real feelings.

There was a Yahoo article that caught my attention. It was about how a lot of people are dropping their Netflix accounts. Netflix, apparently, didn’t think this would bother people. In a country where a $5 sandwich is an amazing deal, they think they can add a third of the price onto an already amazing deal. People like their money. They like it so much that they will kill to defend it. They like other people’s money too. They like it so much that they will kill someone else for their money. I don’t think all stolen money is going straight to paying for Netflix accounts, but I’m not ruling it out either.

So what’s my update? I guess it’s that the Illuminati once again are hacking into my computer and then having their Internet scribes beat me to the punch. Illuminati, cut me a break. I figure that posting two blogs a day tops is all that I should do, otherwise it can be overkill. By the time this story surfaces, Netflix will have merged with Chase Manhattan Bank. That’s all banks do, merge. Merges are only fun on Survivor when you think someone might turn. Other than that they’re scary and probably mean a longer line at the unemployment office.