Posts Tagged ‘jesse the body ventura was a navy seal’

We all have a mortal enemy. Some of us haven’t met him or her yet. Most of will marry that person. It’s a cruel joke played on us by the Universe. I like having villains in my life. It makes me feel more like Batman, the guy who I insisted that I would grow up to be like. I never liked Superman. His villains were a bald high school rival and a “bizarre” version of himself. It always made me think of Seinfeld. I can’t root for a Jewish superhero. I’m sorry, I don’t think Moyle Boy is a great idea.

Right now I don’t know who my mortal enemy is. I’ve crushed all of my previous ones. I never really had a high school rival or anything similar to that. Nobody wanted to be good at the things I excelled in. The “Being Ignored” and “Not Getting Laid” teams had little competition on them. It’s a dark time when you don’t have a natural rival.

If I go big picture, I have tons of enemies. All Japanese people. I still haven’t forgiven them for their actions during the Revolutionary War. They could have easily helped us Americans out. No, we had to rely on the French. The Japanese are a bunch of unhelpful perverts. Another enemy I have are all of the terrorists in the world. The towel on the head kind and the cyber kind. I don’t like the towel kind because I hate people who waste laundry items. 9/11 didn’t help them either. The cyber kind annoy me because what they do is hack into my Myspace account and spam my friends. There’s no telling what they’ve done to my Myspace by now. I haven’t been on it in close to 40 years! Margin of error 37 years.

Locally there are some enemies in my own country. Politicians, neighbors, slow-moving gas station attendants; they’re all almost as bad as terrorists. I’m sure some of them are terrorists. Politicians are villainous because they tell me how to run my life. They don’t own me. They can’t tell me what I do with my body. If I want a belly button piercing, I will get a belly button piercing. I guess that isn’t a hot button issue in Washington, but I would like to make it one. Men should never have their belly buttons pierced. I don’t think they should ever even call it a belly button. It should just be stomach vagina. My neighbors are villainous for much for volatile reasons. The people above me are loud and yell every Sunday at each other. One says they’re leaving for good now and an hour later the mean woman is on her balcony cursing on her cell phone. We seriously can’t be the same species as those people. My other neighbors never pick up after their dogs and let one of their dogs run around without a leash. We’re in an apartment complex with a road in front of us. There are a lot of gang members in the area hence a lot of speedy drivers. Show some love for your 5 pound dog and tie a shoe lace around its neck if you’re so poor because your giant TV cost too much. Gas station attendants are not nearly as awful as I had thought they were now that I think about politicians and my neighbors. They’re actually polite for the most part. Scratch them off the list of villains in my life and replace them with cashiers that don’t ask me how I am. I look forward to saying “Good” to a strange. Lies are fun.

Still, there are no villains in the world right now that we can really celebrate the death of. I guess the most evil man alive would be Kim Jong-Il. Or maybe it’s the “president” of Iran who doesn’t think there are any gay people in his country. How ugly are the men in Iran that none are attracted to each other? Open up a LA Fitness and I guarantee you that he’ll finally open up his eyes and see a lot of GayRanians.

I remember the night that Osama Bin Laden died. Everyone was so happy and it made me think, where is the line that we can celebrate someone being shot in the face? I was as happy as the next guy (unless the next guy was Osama), but all my life I’ve been made to believe that life is precious no matter whose life it is. Everyone I knew believed it. Then we were all so ecstatic when The Notorious O.B.L. got his retina blown out. I guess that’s the ultimate sign of a villain. When your morals are completely turned upside down. We need more villains in this world. When you think about it, they bring us closer together in the end. So go out there and create havoc and Anarchy. Your death might inspire handshakes among those who thought they were enemies when really you were the one we all despised.

(This is a real picture that I managed to capture on CNN the night OBL was killed. I found it hilarious)

“The enemies of my friends are the friends of my enemies of the friends that are my friends of my enemies who are not my enemies of my friends.” – A Famous Quote