Posts Tagged ‘joseph gordon levitt’

Here’s something I wrote up and submitted somewhere and they were like “this isn’t what we’re looking for.” This wasn’t terrific, but it’s never fun to get an email from an intern telling you you’re no good. It was another middle finger to my ego. Saying it’s not what you’re looking for is the worst rejection there is. If you girl or a guy tells you that you’re not good enough, there’s always room for improvement. “Not what we’re looking for” means you’re probably as good as it’s going to get so you should just shoot yourself already. M’lord I hate everyone.

Film Characters Who Needed to Get Laid to Solve Their Issues

In Martin Scorcese’s classic film Taxi Driver, the main character Travis Bickle approaches an all-knowing cab driver he knows nicknamed “The Wizard” for advice on life. Wiz’s advice is simple, “Get drunk. Get laid.” It’s not long after Travis decides to take things into his own hands and attempts to assassinate a presidential candidate. Perhaps if Travis had listened to the advice and gotten his whistle and dick wet then he would have had a happier ending.

Travis Bickle is one of the most memorable film characters. He’s inspired angry young men everywhere who cannot get laid to shave their heads into the Mohawk fashion. He’s not the only awesome character who would have had a less dangerous life if only he could just get laid.

Blondie from The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly played by Clint Eastwood:


Blondie doesn’t seem to have much of a mission in life other than collect as much gold as he can. What does he need all the gold for? He has no taxes to pay, no cell phone bill to worry about, and never buys new designer clothing. Not once in the film does Blondie even suggest he has sexual thoughts about women. The only thing cowboys ever used their gold on was booze and sex with prostitutes. All Blondie needed was a woman to give him some attention and he wouldn’t have had to go on such a wild adventure. Blondie was a good enough looking man to land a woman. Put down your gun and work up a smile. Women love a guy who smiles.

Murphy McManus and Connor McManus from The Boondock Saints played by Sean Patrick Flannery and Norman Reedus:

large boondock saints blu-ray12

Brothers Murphy and Conner McManus are the duo known as The Boondock Saints. They’re sick of all the gangsters and scum in Boston and they’ve decided to take control by savagely killing them in a sometimes ritualistic fashion. After two movies though, there is no hint that either brother so much as jerks off to naked pictures of women. There is no love interest in either film. In fact, the brothers sleep beside one another on mattresses in their filthy apartment. They have a very Frasier and Niles Crane relationship where it’s unclear if it’s incestuous or not. The sequel starts off with them living at their father’s place in Ireland. These guys need to get away from daddy and find some dames.

Every Batman Villain played by numerous people:

batman villains

As cool as The Joker, Bane, and other Batman villains have been, none ever have sex with willing partners. Isn’t one of the best parts about sex when you don’t have to worry about them going to the cops the next morning? The Joker was a handsome man sans makeup, Bane has a body any woman would want to mount her, and even The Penguin played by Danny Devito has awesome duck boats that could win a girl’s heart. Instead of trying to kill everyone in Gotham City these guys should have all gotten together and hit up a bar. At least one of them would have left with a phone number and that’s the first step in entering a long-lasting loving sex-filled relationship.

Joseph Gordon-Levitt in everything he does:


Joseph Gordon-Levitt has become “the average guy” in many ways. He’s cute, smart, and has a lot of demons on the inside. In real life Joseph Gordon-Levitt needs to only say the words “Hey, I’m Joseph Gordon-Levitt” and he will be able to snatch up nearly every woman in the room. In the movies it’s different, Joseph has trouble getting laid. In 500 Days of Summer he gets so hooked on Zooey Deschanel’s character Summer that over the course of those 500 days she’s the only person he sleeps with. Gay! The film 10 Things I Hate About You was all about him trying to get Heath Ledger to sleep with Julia Stiles so he could sleep with The Secret World of Alex Mack girl. Angels in the Outfield would have been a lot different if he got laid. He was so caught up in becoming a family again with his father. Once a man discovers the wonders a vagina can provide he doesn’t give two shits about seeing his dad for the holidays. Get this kid some poon.

“Alexander Supertramp” from Into the Wild played by Emile Hirsch

Opinions on the character Alexander Supertramp from Into the Wild are black and white. People will either say what he did was inspiring or completely stupid. There’s very little grey area. The guy tossed his life away, got rid of all his worldly possessions, and traveled around the country until ultimately he ended up in the Alaskan wilderness to live alone. Anyone who thinks this is a good idea has never gotten a good blow job in his life. I hate people as much as the next, but geez, I could never give up receiving blow jobs for spiritual freedom. A young Kristen Stewart does offer herself up to him at one point. Alexander decided it was better to eat a poison berry than to get involved with her.

V from V for Vendetta played by Hugo Weaving:

v for vendetta

V is a man who was wronged by a dictatorial government. He’s got a vendetta against them, hence the name of the film. Unfortunately for him though he has to wear a weird Guy Fawkes mask because his skin was so terrible burnt. V has no chance at getting laid ever again. Can he even masturbate? I’d imagine his dick would break off like a fried chicken finger if he tried to. V has every right to want to get back at the government. Nobody should be denied the right to have sex with other consenting adults. Natalie Portman should have taken one for the team, taken a knee, and given V a nice tug. Sure, a terrible Fascist government would still have been in place, but at least one more guy will feel relaxed about the state of the world.

Howard Beale from Network played by Peter Finch:


News anchor Howard Beale is mad as hell and he’s not going to take it anymore. Sick of the world and how much bullshit there is, Beale states on his newscast that he plans to kill himself live on the air. I think it’s common for people to want to kill themselves. I don’t trust someone who doesn’t think about it frequently. The best cure for suicide isn’t pills, a friendly ear to listen to you, or learning to accept life for the problems it sometimes has. The best way to cure those suicidal thoughts is banging a broad. Were there no interns at this station willing to have sex with him in hopes it would get them hired full-time?

Rosemary’s Baby from Rosemary’s Baby played by Satan:


Rosemary is pregnant with the devil’s child and almost ready to give birth. How many whiskey sours did she have nine months earlier that she somehow managed to get knocked up by Beelzebub? You have to wonder though, why would Satan’s child be evil? My father is a Republican but that doesn’t mean I have to be a douchebag too. Rosemary frets that she’s bringing the Antichrist into the world. If you’ve learned anything from this article it’s that there is in fact a way to stop the Antichrist from creating hell on earth, get that baby a hooker.

Did you know if you went back to the beginning of my blog and read everything in order, one per day, you would be reading them at the same pace Joseph Gordon-Levitt dated Zooey Deschanel in 500 Days of Summer? That is to say, this is my 500th post I’ve done on this blog, give or take. The number is not exact because I made one private because I tried getting it on a different website and one is a sticky which messes with the numbers. For all intents and purposes, this is my 500th blog post.

500-days-of-summer-500-days-of-summer-11124649-2559-1706(If only he was holding a razor blade…)

What else does the number 500 mean?

In the year 500, Roman catacomb burials ended and Octa, the king of Kent was born. Despite the rumors, he only has one penis, not 8.

500 is the number of home runs that used to mean you were a guaranteed baseball Hall of Famer. Now it means you are a guaranteed cheater.

There is a card game called 500. I have no idea what the rules are because it does not involve saying “Go Fish.”

Rolling Stone magazine published a list of the 500 Greatest Albums and 500 Greatest Songs of all-time. The greatest Album was Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band by The Beatles. The greatest song was Bananaphone by Raffi.

Finally there is a planet called 500 Selinur that orbits the sun. It’s apparently pretty minor which is why it’s called 500 Selinur and not 500000000 Selinur.

In addition, I also finally hit the 100,000 club as far as blog hits are concerned. Of course as we all know, stats went drastically down when Google changed its ways, but nevertheless, it’s finally good to reach 6 digits. That may seem like a lot until you realize most football stadiums hold around 60,000. Now I feel pathetic and weak. Anyway, thanks for sticking around. Now be sure to check out the comics I have been doing.

lonely birthday

This is not a post about how much I hate to leave my apartment. If you’ve been to my apartment you’ll understand why I hate to leave it. My walls are completely barren and white, except for the one black stain from when I was wearing a black shirt, sweating, and leaned against it. My apartment always smells like whatever I had eaten for breakfast. Today it smells like warm milk. The greatest thing about my apartment is there’s always something to do. There are so many dog hairs everywhere sometimes I lie on the ground and count them. None of what I will write about today has anything to do with that. I would rather focus on something even grander. The places we have potential to go in our lives.

My idea on this theory came during the middle of the night. I also had a dream about a movie where Joseph Gordon-Levitt played a character named “Ugly Nick.” I’m not sure what my subconscious was saying there. Rarely do I ever think of JG-L. I could have sworn he was on Roseanne and he wasn’t. The idea I had was that each of us has three paths we can go down. There’s the path going downhill, the path going uphill, and the path leading to a dead-end.

(I always thought the fat guy on the right was Joseph Gordon-Levitt. I feel like an idiot now)

The path going downhill is very obvious. These are the people we look at knowing they’re in a downward spiral. They’re drug addicts, alcoholics, people who watch PBS, sexual deviants, anyone who puts on 30 pounds a year, and so forth. Basically they’re anyone you see headed into a worse direction than you might be used. This is where we hope all the popular people from high school end up. If you were popular in high school and are reading thing then I really don’t understand how you got here. You’re in the wrong place. I think we all know someone from high school who still relives their glory days. My mom’s boyfriend used to tell me about how he was a world champion wrestler in high school. By world he meant Middlesex County. He was reliving his past triumphs from the early 1970s. To give you an idea how long ago he was traveling through time, the third Austin Powers movie took place around the same time he was wearing a leotard and getting ringworm from a wrestling mat. Sorry I don’t have any other idea what else was going on in the early 1970s. Wasn’t there a war?

(Nevermind no war took place. I was confusing it with a song by Martin Luther King Jr.)

The path going uphill is also a very obvious one. There are the people we look at knowing they’re going to go someplace in life. They’re hard-workers, loving, confident, not me, sexual deviants who happen to know the correct rich businessmen to approach, and probably not you. This is the path we all dream about going down. It’s the basic American dream underdog story. Rise up from the bottom to the top. I like to think I’m on this path. I do whatever I can to not be self-destructive. I eat healthy, I exercise, I ask old black people for advice often, I don’t burn my bridges, and I keep bad people out of my life. The problem is most people think we’re on this path. It’s a very thin one and the further along you go the thinner it gets. What we have to understand is not everyone can be successful. It would be great if we all grew up to be movie stars with large genitals, but our DNA is not Communist. Things are not even. So keep going to those Tuesday night acting classes and buy that penis pump you’ve been eyeing online. The path uphill cannot be accomplished alone.

(An official Dr. Seuss penis pump. It also plays music and makes your balls grow as big as the Grinch’s heart)

Finally there is the path leading to a dead-end. Oye vey this is a wide asshole path. Lots of people fall here. They’re not bad people by any stretch. They take care of themselves as much as they have to. In a way they’re defeatists, something else I have to write about later on. I would say 90% of people are on this path to a dead-end. Crazy isn’t it? People without hopes, dreams, motivation, or anywhere to go. Saddest thing about this is a lot of the time it’s not their fault. They’re content with where they stand in life. I know the combination of words “big dick fucking black pussy” might offend some people. The word content does the same to me. How are you content? You’re waking up every morning thinking everything is fine and dandy? Don’t get me wrong, a positive attitude is wonderful and I would love to have a stronger one. These dead enders are different. They fall into a trap where they believe this is what life was supposed to be. They use words like karma, destiny, and fate to justify how their lives didn’t turn out the way they wanted. It’s sad to me other people can think this way.

The scariest things that could ever happen to me are 1) I am kidnapped by cannibal rapists (it doesn’t matter what order they do it in) and 2) I end up with a job I get nothing out of and I have to wake up when it’s still dark outside to get there. Those are my two biggest fears in life. I really don’t want to be eaten then raped or raped then eaten and more importantly I don’t want to wake up when bats are still outside fellating each other. To me, this is a dead-end path. I will know my life is going nowhere if I have to dread waking up for work in the morning and once I do the moon still shines down. It has been decided. Whatever I can do to get on a path going uphill I will do. If I fail on my way up, at least I get to fall rather that putz around on a hypothetical dead-end street.