Posts Tagged ‘kenny fucking powers’

Two of the best channels out there are HBO and Showtime. If you want to argue TLC for the freak factor, I’ll give you that. HBO was the first channel you needed a satellite dish for or something like that. I’m not exactly sure how this all works. It’s been around since the late 1960s or early 1970s in some form though. Showtime has also been around for a long time, 1976 according to briefly looking at the Wikipedia page. In the United States you still have to pay for these exclusively, meaning I have never lived in a home where these channels were accessible. Thanks to things like Netflix and me breaking into neighbor’s homes and watching their televisions when they are out of town, I’ve come to know a lot about these channels and the programming they provide. Both are great, but I have to wonder, which is better?

Point 1: The Programming

HBO has had hits like The Sopranos, Oz, Sex and the City, The Wire, Game of Thrones, and a few other things. Showtime is best known for Weeds, Dexter, Homeland, Dead Like Me, and a bunch of shows about gay people. There’s a very obvious contrast between the programming if you pay attention long enough. HBO has a much more East Coast feel to it. All of the shows I mentioned above take place somewhere in the Northeastern United States. Game of Thrones of course takes place in Montpellier, Vermont; something many fans overlook. Showtime has a more West Coast feel to it, despite not all of the shows being California based. Weeds and Californication are two I know take place in California. Homeland is in D.C. and Dexter is in Miami aka California on a penis. It would be impossible to choose which has better shows so I’m not going to do it.

vern schillinger(Although I’m a little partial to Oz)

Point 2: DVDs

Hands down Showtime is better at DVD sales. I’m basing DVD sales on price. HBO will put around two episodes on a disc sometimes. I’m talking to you Carnivale! Six discs for twelve episodes? Give me a break. The prices of HBO DVDs are also outrageous. Some will run all the way up to around $50. I was interested in buying Eastbound and Down Season One until I realized I would be paying $20 for six episodes. Kenny Powers is great, but he’s not that great. Showtime’s prices are much more reasonable. At least when I go into a Best Buy I don’t immediately skip over them because of the price.

Point 3: Netflix

You may not have noticed this, but very few if any HBO shows are available on Netflix. I’m sure it’s a contract they would have to sign to do this and I think it really limits their audience. Showtime on the other hand puts everything on Netflix. Weeds, Dexter, The United States of Tara, and more are readily available for your viewing pleasure or viewing hatred. I’m including hatred here because I don’t think you’ll enjoy everything.

dexter-season-6(Americans, we love our gore and our bothered by our morals getting questioned without it)

Point 4: Mary-Louise Parker

Mary-Louise Parker is too old to have my babies. That’s a shame because I think we would make cute ones. On HBO she only got to star in a miniseries Angels in America where she did get to go full frontal nude. However, on Weeds broadcasted on Showtime she gets to have her own TV show where we get to see her naked quite a bit in the middle few seasons. If nudity isn’t your thing, she has some cute outfits.

mary louise parker(Even in prison she’s incredibly adorable)

Point 5: Sex and Violence

Showtime is probably better at sex than HBO is. Showtime gives us a naked Mary-Louise Parker, Californication, Michael C. Hall’s upper body, and Big Brother after dark which I have heard is just everyone spreading STDs. HBO is the one you should turn to for the violence. The Sopranos, Oz, and The Wire alone are enough to satisfy your blood-thirsty needs. HBO also seems to show a lot more penis than Showtime. Just letting you know that I have realized this.

Omar-The-Wire-shotgun-1pvbyw9(Since The Wire was on HBO it’s “Omar coming” not like if it was on Showtime where it would be “Omar cumming.”

Point 6: Sports and Comedy

I’m not sure if Showtime does anything special for sports or comedy and I know for a fact HBO does it and they do it very well. From boxing matches, to uncensored shows following a hockey team around, to awesome stand-up comedy specials, HBO does it all. I’m sure Showtime would do it well too if given the chance. It’s like how I always tell girls on the street that I’d be a great boyfriend if they would just let me. It’s usually at that point they get to the final “1” in 911 and I have to run for my freedom.

louisckhboPOST(Can Louis CK communicate if he’s holding something in both hands?)

Which Network do you prefer?

I doubt many people reading this are avid sports fans. Most of you wouldn’t know the difference between a hockey stick and a cricket wand. They do call those paddles wands, right? I would like to today focus on a select group of people in the baseball world. The ones with the most unusual personalities of all. The closers. They’re pitchers who come into the game late to essentially “close out” the game. If you’ve ever heard of a baseball player being a complete creep, chances are he was a closer.

(Vern Schillinger is smaller than Kevin Bacon’s wife?)

The “save” is a statistic in baseball the closer values. It happens when he successfully comes into the game and “saves” it by “closing” it out. See how simple baseball is? Things are very literal. Except the new statistic “Value Over Replacement Player” but that was invented by Moneyball idiots. The save became officially sometime in the 1960s to combat the Russians. Two of the first closers were Goose Gossage of the New York Yankees and Rollie Fingers of the Oakland Athletics. Goose had a blonde porn star mustache and Rollie had a curly Captain Hook one. I think these two made it ideal that your closer be a nutcase. They were two of the first successful ones at it. Like if the first person you ever had sex with cried, you’d expect everyone to cry. Or maybe a more accurate comparison that I cannot think of at this moment. But I’m taking things from my own experiences here.

(This mustache is why athletes never used to be trusted making a million dollars)

The current all-time saves leader is Mariano Rivera. You may have heard about him recently. He hurt his knee shagging fly balls during batting practice. What a dope! I read an article in a magazine saying he always responds to fan letters. I sent him a letter around 1999. Asshole never responded. My dad always likes to point out that “Moe” has been in the country for 20 years and still barely speaks English. I remind him how he can’t type an email without 9 typos and he shuts up. Rivera has been the closer for the Yankees since around 1997. He’s a staple of their team and now his career may end because he got hurt actually doing something athletic, running. I hate the Yankees so I am beaming with joy. Next I’m hoping Alex Rodriguez finds a breast lump.

(Mariano Rivera suffers from “Ricky Ricardo Syndrome.” The only symptom he does not have is getting turned on by beating up a redheaded woman with his fist)

My team, the Philadelphia Phillies, have had some strange closers of the years. In the 1970s and early 1980s they had Tug McGraw. Country singer Tim McGraw’s mom got boned by Tug and never knew him growing up. He’s dead now and nobody cares how much of a womanizer he was. He helped close out the first World Series win in a horrible franchise’s history. During my baseball peak the team had a guy named Jose Mesa. He’d do commercials with his son saying how his name translates to “Joe Table.” Then he’d go out, walk the bases loaded, and barely escape the game with a save. They also had Brett Myers who once beat his wife in public. What kind of millionaire beats his wife in public? He must have a giant house away from neighbor earshot. Do it there!

(Here’s a picture of Tim McGraw for the women who have been bored reading this. I also included Faith Hill wearing a cursed ancient Egyptian medallion for the enjoyment)

Not all closers are abusive toward their wives. Former Mets closer Francisco Rodriguez strangled his father-in-law in the locker room last season. He was promptly released and now plays for the Milwaukee Brewers. If your team name praises alcoholism, breaking tracheas is not frowned upon. Brian Wilson was only ever abusive toward my brain. He’s the guy nicknamed “the bearded one” who hangs around with Charlie Sheen. He was only good maybe two years ever. In the 6,000 years that the earth has been around, only two season was Brian Wilson any good. I’m pretty sure he’s on a video game cover too. Who puts a guy who pitches 60 innings a season on the cover of a game? He’s out this year with Tommy John surgery. I guarantee Charlie Sheen and slamming down beers had something to do with that elbow injury.

(You have a loud personality. We get it!)

I wanted to make a mention of Eric Gagne only so I could put his picture here. He was another closer who dominated for a year or two then faded away. That’s kind of the game of the closer. You give it your all and burn out quickly. Neil Young would be proud. He said it’s “better to burn out then to fade away.” This coming from a guy who must be in his 70s and still plays music. Burn out Neil! Live up to your song! Gagne’s trademark look was his goatee and goggle wear. Because wearing normal glasses would have totally made him look like a jerk.

(He looks like any chubby guitar player of a band only girls like)

Possibly still the most mainstream closer of all-time is John Rocker. Clearly the inspiration for Kenny Powers from Eastbound and Down, John Rocker was the ultimate heel athlete. You may remember in 2000 how he basically declared war on New York City. He said stuff about single mothers, homosexuals, immigrants, and other easy targets. This got under a lot of people’s skin as many members of the media live in New York City and only care about themselves. I doubt most single mothers, homosexuals, or immigrants even knew who John Rocker was.  I had a chance to meet him in 2005. Only 5 years later and Rocker was playing independent baseball. That is, a league of players making less money than I do a year hoping at one last chance to make the majors again. He couldn’t have been nicer too. I called out to him and he came right over. He sells real estate now. Here is his life summed up in under 2 minutes by a bunch of comedians nobody cares about and a few other pop culture duds.