Posts Tagged ‘list’

I think we all know somebody that has done porn. They’re not always “porn stars” or anything. A porn star is an elite member of the porn community. I don’t know what the official hierarchy is, but I would think it goes something like this.

STAR

WHORE

ROOKIE

We know who the stars are. It’s those familiar names that we pledge our allegiance to and own coasters with images of their genitals on them. Ron Jeremy is the most famous porn star of all-time. I wonder if he’s ever kissed anyone. Nobody wants to kiss Ron Jeremy. His mustache tastes like his own cock. Good for him though. He’s famous for being fat, ugly, hairy, strange, having a bad haircut, and for having a big dick. Can you believe that? In a society without a true bartering system, where we have all come to accept that paper money is the acceptable currency, which is produced by the government, a man can still be a millionaire for having a large penis. That’s all he can do. If Ron Jeremy ever says “Just be yourself” I will put his dick in a headlock and break its neck. Easy for you to say Ron. Not all of us are blessed with gigantic devilish curses.

(Ron Jeremy getting pampered on the set of his famous film “Jeremy and the Hendersons”)

Next down on the list are the whores. They’re the mid-level people. Usually you would have heard of them through a friend. They’re a name, but still not a full-blown star. I guess you can’t have a rubber pussy made to your likeness to be considered a whore. By then you’d have to be a star. Unless sales are bad. How many people buy these rubber pussies anyway? There can’t be that many lonely people in the world. Like 7 billion of us now and you can’t find another human being to do those filthy things to in the corner of your kitchen? Join a book club! Whores are probably the best porn actresses. Did I just call people who do porn actresses? That’s an insult to Robert DeNiro, Robert Redford, and Robert Pattinson. Maybe just the first two. I like whores because they got something to prove still. They’ve learned the ropes, but they still got further to go. They’re hungry for more. OHHHH MOOOOORE!

(Not a whore, just a bad actor)

Finally we get to the rookies. We all know what a rookie is. It’s the lowest level of anything you can do. No matter what your profession, you will experience rookie hazing. It might be light, like having to stick pine cones up your butt. Or maybe it’ll be heavier, having to eat a pair of edible underwear off a fat man. Don’t be embarrassed, we’ve all done it. Rookies sometimes always stay rookies. They have a few notable roles, but then retire to do classier things like change tires for a living. I like rookies too. You can always find a rookie who reminds you of someone unobtainable in your every day life. They’re the girls next door. Maybe they’ve got a little more of an edge, like a tattoo or fake purple hair. But still, they’ve got something. You can see yourself having a conversation with this porno “actress” about how the landlord is a douche bag. That’s why amateur porn is so big. SOOOOOO BIIIIIIG. We don’t care about the porn stars anymore. We want flesh blood. We’re perverts like that.

(The last triple crown winner…in baseball. The porn triple crown is much different)

I don’t know if it’s the same with girls. Most guys in porn look the same. Guys really are either Ron Jeremy, John Holmes, that black guy with Steele in his name (like that I’m pretending not to know his name?), and maybe a few others. Girls don’t look at porn much. I don’t blame them. Look, another big dick. There are too many buff guys in porn too. That’s got to get repetitive. Porn needs more boys next door. Skinny guys with big guts and no muscles with average sized penises. They’re not very tall and don’t comb their hair. There’s a market for everything. Maybe I can create it. A psychic did once tell my sister that I would grow up to be an inventor. Psychics are always right. Now to just find some wayward teens in need of cash. Shouldn’t be too hard. TOOOOO HAAAAARD.

A man stands a few feet behind me. I’m familiar with this man. I see him often. I don’t know much about him. One thing I do know is that his laugh is horrible. Worse than that, it’s often. He’s talking to someone. Crap. He’s almost done his sentence. Here it comes!

GUFFAW GUFFAW GUFFAW

What a horrendous laugh. I hate people with bad laughs. I mean really hate them. Remember when Osama Bin Laden was killed and everyone was happy about it? I feel the same way when people with bad laughs are shot by Navy Seals. They’re useless. They should never have a good day. That’s why they have bad laughs. It’s natures way of telling us that we should treat them like shit.

Other than this guy, there are others I have encountered with equally bad laughs. Let me do my best to fill you in on them. Maybe you’ll get some laughs out of reading this. Then you’ll have a LIFE LESS BORING!!!

Self-Laugher –

This is where I would classify my current laugher into. He laughs at the end of every sentence. It doesn’t even have to be funny. It’s a snorty laugh too. It sounds like he’s clearing out the back of his nose. Laughing at yourself rarely means that what you said was funny. More often than not it means that you’re awkward and to feel less awkward you laugh to make the poor victim you’re talking to feel more relaxed. It doesn’t make us feel more relaxed. It makes us feel tense. It makes us want to hit you. Why laugh at the end of your sentence? You can just think it and laugh to yourself. At least then people know that you’re crazy.

Snorter –

I mentioned this slightly already, but snorting is very common with laughers. We’ve probably all snorted at sometime while laughing. It’s embarrassing and usually makes everybody else laugh at our misfortunate. That’s okay. What’s not okay is always snorting when you laugh. That’s what we call gross. Especially when you look like a pig. A friend of mine had a girlfriend who looked like a pig. She still does and I know this from Facebook stalking. I can’t feel bad for a fat girl who snorts when she laughs. It’s too perfect. Normally I enjoy when people have animal qualities. Not when they both look like a pig and laugh like one. That’s what we call too much of a good thing.

Spitter –

I had another friend who would spit when he’d laugh. His laugh was a very quiet “hehehehehe” that never seemed to end. The spit that came out of his mouth was odd. It seemed to come from the bottom and shoot up. It hit me before and I guess technically it means I’ve kissed a boy. I arrived late to lunch that day, but could still tell that he had chicken nuggets thanks to his spit hitting my lips. Spitters are never good in any context. It’s impolite to spit. Remember that girls, nobody likes a spitter.

Silent Machine Gun –

Sometimes my laugh is a bit of a silent machine gun laugh. It’s not uproarious, but still has that rapid fire approach to it. The Don Rickles of laughing. At times, I use this as a courtesy laugh. I try to get as many quick laughs in as short of a time as possible. That last sentence was lazy writing. I used the worst “time” twice. Just wanted to point it out how awfully unoriginal I am.

Loud Machine Gun –

The exact same thing as the silent machine gun, except loud. Loud machine guns are really obnoxious. Everything loud is obnoxious. Think of the last time you heard someone screaming for help. I know, what a jerk. The loud machine gun serves the same purpose except it can be used more as a defense. I’m convinced all machine gun laughs are out of courtesy. There’s no reason to throw so many quick laughs into five seconds at any offhanded comment.

Vomitter –

Sitting next to the spitter at my 7th grade lunch table was a kid who would poke his head out and look as if he was about to vomit. It was a sincere laugh. The strange thing is I remember him doing it forever. Up through high school he still did his little head-forward, fake vomiting action. It was never annoying as it rarely made a sound. If anything, it was convenient. You’d know you said something really funny when he couldn’t keep his mouth shut and really would vomit at a joke. That’s when you knew you were cool.

Ricky Gervais –

Nobody laughs like Ricky Gervais. I can’t even categorize this laugh. How can you not enjoy listening to him get his funny bone tickled? And coming from such a funny guy, you know whatever has gotten him to make such an awful sound must be great.

Three Stooges –

Nyut! Nyut! Nyut! That’s how I write out how the Three Stooges laugh. Nobody really laughs like that, do they? I knew a girl with Down Syndrome who did. Her laugh was a dead on Larry and her haircut was a dead on Moe. The only thing curly about her was when she would try to draw a straight line and end up making numerous violent circles. But that’s the beauty about laughter. Even somebody with so many problems can enjoy a good one. Even if it does remind me of three dead slapstick comedians.