Posts Tagged ‘love’

I’m a pretty loyal person. I’ve been with the same bank since I was five and all of the congenital diseases/syndromes I was born with are still there. I’ve stayed at jobs far longer than I would have liked to because of my commitment and lack of real world skills. Road rules skills on the other hand…

On my recent trip to Asia (the continent, not the band) I decided to make a really big commitment. The overwhelming feeling of dying alone had engrossed me so greatly, I decided it was time to commit to something other than a documentary series on Netflix. I asked someone to marry me.

It may seem like a big thing to do. It’s not every day (more biweekly) someone believes it’s time to ask such a task from someone. But after more than two years in a relationship, I knew I was ready. I already felt married to her anyway even if the circumstances kept us apart by distance. Emotionally though, I’ve never felt so connected with anyone. This comes from a guy who was born with a conjoined twin too so obviously my future wife must be pretty special.

And she is.

After getting down on my knee and popping the question, she gave me a “yes” in her own words which were closer to “fuck you, of course I will.”

She claims she likes the ring too which is pretty sweet because it’s actually part of a lugnut that I found in a scrapyard.

I’m not sure when I’ll actually be a married man now, but it does feel different. The people who know me and interact on a regular basis seem to behave differently around me. There’s a larger sense of maturity I feel now mixed with only a little fear that this will all end in a court room and a sleazy lawyer sitting next to me. I’m doubtful it’ll end like that as we love each other and murder is far more likely.

So I’m engaged. To someone who understands me. Someone who knows if I could, I would grow my ass 100 times bigger then hover above earth and poop on everyone. It feels good. And I’m not yet at the point where I feel like there’s nothing left for me in life.

In case you were wondering if there were still crazy people in this world, there are. One agreed to spend her life with me.

IMG_20151013_120830_1

On my birthday last week I rode a plane. *bloop bloop* – the sound a plane makes, not a fart (although I did do that)

I am officially an adult now. My penis is an adult size (at least compared to yours) and I am traveling the world doing adult things (like lying about my penis size to make you feel horrible).

Now at 28-years-old (which is dead in dog years) I made a very stupid decision. I decided to invest a lot of time into another human being rather than myself. I also spent money!!! to get there along with a plane ride that took approximately 24 hours away from my life I will never get back.

I’m writing this from the Philippines. It is one of those weird countries that has a “the” in front of it to differentiate between all of the other similarly named countries like “A Philippines” and “That Philippines.” This is “The Philippines” because they want to be the top dog among the nations named after Phil.

I’ll write more extensively about this life changing journey. I am envied for immersing myself in the culture over the last week–or at least I’m told so by my wonderful, lovely tour guide. I saw everything from security guards at fast food restaurants with shotguns guarding the napkins from the bad guys. Bad guys fucking love napkins. They are bad guys because they have such dirty hands that need cleaning with napkins so they’re always going into fast food joints taking them all. I also saw dogs pooping on the street like a boss and nobody seemed to give a shit (pun partially intended).

This was the longest I have spent away from home in a long time and only the second time I have ever left the United States in my short yet getting longer miserable life. But is it really going to stay so miserable?

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I’ll surely add more about this adventure here or somewhere else. For some quickie satisfaction though, you can read another perspective about the week from the person I spent it with.

Hey Bayeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet

When a bee is born it is a baby. Some babybees, however, even as adults maintain the babybee title.

I am a babybee and I actually have a babybee of my own. My babybee is great and here are 22 reasons why because it is 11 twice.

1) My babybee is great because she has lots of talents. I’m amazed sometimes by how much she can do. First she learned how to sing, then she learned how to draw, then it was dance, and finally it was figuring out how to write. I’m not sure which of these is the best because my babybee can do them all. This counts as one, however, I will include more on each.

2) My favorite song of my babybee is the Babybee Song. It’s best used for birthdays and reminding people about the size of their genital. My babybee actually won a competition singing Carol of the Bells; you know, the song the Trans Siberian Orchestra made popular.

3) Drawing may actually be my favorite thing the babybee can do. I suck at drawing so I appreciate it when I see very good art, particularly when it’s of people or dogs I care about.

photo (2)

(How many people can say strangers have their artwork hanging on their walls?)

4) The dancing isn’t something I have seen my babybee do very much. Since I am already an expert dancer, I’m not sure how impressed I would be with anything my babybee can do. At the same time, I know by now there are no limits to what she can.

5) Finally there’s writing, which I know for a fact is something my babybee is very passionate about. This might be the one thing my babybee has most in common with me, especially since my babybee knows very little about sports. I should hate her for that though, right?

6) Combined with all of these skills, the babybee’s talents are limitless. Her only flaw might be her jealousy of smelly fat men pretending to be Indian women, but that’s okay. Nobody is perfect although she’s pretty close and would say I am too.

dennis-farina-ftr

(Actor Dennis Farina makes babybee jealous she is so silly)

7) Aside from her many talents, babybee is the perfect partner for making fun of everyone. Sometimes it gets really cruel to the point where if anyone else found out the way we speak about them, we’d only have each other. But that’s okay because then we’d be two bees in a pod and there’s no better thought in the entire world than this.

8) At this point I have been writing this in non-list form and just putting a number in front of each paragraph. For number 8, I would like to mention how forgiving and accepting my babybee is and let you know the rest of this list will be a little more traditional.

9) Babybee is not judgmental even when I eat two Medi-wraps, protein bars, and a giant Snapple (what are those?).

snapple_bottle_various

(Now stop asking)

10) Babybee is very supportive and reads about baseball and lets me cuddle with my baseball with my hip without getting too angry.

11) Babybee knows not to make sound effects whenever I drink water because I will choke from laughing.

12) Babybee stays up late and sacrifices precious sleep–usually for me! Even I wouldn’t do this because I am nowhere near as great as Babybee.

13) Babybee makes me really long books of cartoons and lets me keep them even though it would mean owning another blank notebook without lines!!!

blank pages

(Babybee porn)

14) Babybee doesn’t need expensive jewelry, clothes, or shoes. She doesn’t even wear makeup yet she’s as adorable as a micropenis. Shit, I’d call her as beautiful as a butt!

15) Babybee always has good TV show and movie recommendations.

sherlock

(If only Lucy Liu was there)

16) Babybee is second most logical person I know after me. She’s also the second biggest piggy after me which makes things perfect.

17) Babybee can always make me laugh even though she is a woman.

18) Babybee has the best declarations ever.

19) Babybee can deadlift 80 pounds on the first try. She is such a Pac-Woman.

deadlifting

(Maybe one day she can be this beautiful)

20) Babybee is good complimenter/liar. I haven’t decided yet.

21) Babybee understands everything I tell her with the exception of one joke about boobs.

22) Babybee would be a good mama even if she makes mama face at our babybee someday.

 

I could go on further about how great babybee is. Did I even mention DF? Or candies? Or the Spiro treatments? I didn’t. There’s those.

There’s too much to mention about babybee and what a great human-being she is for one post. She has saved lives for fuck sake! Speaking of fuck, if babybee was here right now she’d probably say:

enough romance lets fuck

The babybee has spoken. Thank you for being you.

rollins 11

Let the 11 continue to roll on :3

The only reason you should ever not date someone is if you are not attracted to them. Attraction is incredibly complicated and I am too dumb to understand it anyway. Instead let’s focus on the ridiculous requirements some people set for who they will or will not date based on things that go beyond attraction and border shallowness.

1) Height:

Many people will set a height requirement. Girls will refuse to date a guy shorter than they are. Some of their reasoning is because they want to feel safe. You want to feel safe? Where do you live that danger is affecting your love life? How many ninjas do you have after you? I also was not aware that a 6’4 guy could stop a bullet any better than someone who was 5’7. For guys they want the opposite, a girl shorter than they are. This is also foolish because there are a ton of beautiful women that are quite tall. Plus, a tall girl can protect a guy like me from danger. I know. I’m a hypocrite.

2) Weight:

I used to say I would never date a girl who weighed more than me. This was a fair enough rule when I was over 200 pounds. Then not only did I lose weight, I also realized weight doesn’t matter when it comes to attraction. A person’s body defines way too much who they are in our society. Muscles, abs, and a tight body are great to look at. But will they nurture your needs? Will six-pack abs ever take you out for a nice dinner? No. All six-pack abs ever care about are starving themselves and popping out at nightclubs. You want a person with a six-pack? Enjoy that kale for dessert.

3) Race:

As much as I hate when people call things racist at the drop of a hat, it is racist to not even consider the possibility of dating someone of a certain race. It’s perfectly fine to have a preference. I get that. When you are unwilling to date a particular race it’s like saying they are not good enough for you. Believe it or not, this is actually a pretty common requirement people make. You should be willing to date people of any race. It may make you more cultured and it’s just the right thing to do.

4) Sports Fandom:

I have actually seen or heard people say they would not date someone who rooted for a rival team. This is one of the most ridiculous things ever. Most people root for a team because they were born in a particular place. So because your soulmate was born in Boston and roots for the Red Sox and you were born in New York and root for the Yankees you are not going to give eternal love and happiness a chance? Yeah, you deserve to die alone.

5) Location:

Long distance relationships can be tough. It also depends on how distant they are, but if you like each other I think it’s important that both parties do what they can to make it work. Technology is so amazing now that you can fall in love with someone over the Internet and have it turn out to be your younger brother upstairs in his bedroom catfishing you. Living an hour or two away from a person shouldn’t stop you from dating them if you like them. When you only date people living nearby it shows how selfish you are to your own needs and lifestyle along with how unwilling you are to explore simple things like people who live elsewhere. Meet some people who live somewhere else in a town you have never heard of. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with someone who saw you pick your nose in high school?

6) Pasts:

There are certain things from a person’s past that you should always stay away from. If they were a third world dictator, leave them be. The majority of things though should be overlooked. Life is full of obstacles and so long as the person has overcome it then you should be proud to have a person in your life that actually can solve problems, especially their own. Plus the most flawed people are usually the most interesting.

7) Religion:

I understand that religion is deeply important to some people out there. Still, refusing to date someone because they have a different religious belief seems silly to me. I thought religion was about your personal relationship with God(s)? As long as the person you are dating doesn’t make fun of you or get in the way of your belief system I don’t see the problem. Or maybe I just don’t get it. If you don’t want to date me because I am not religious then I accept that. I like sleeping in Sundays anyway.

8) Random Physical Characteristics:

Eye color, hair color, amount of facial hair, and other little things that barely make a person who they are tend to be requirements for some people. I couldn’t tell you a favorite eye or hair color that I have for a woman. Facial hair on a woman though, I like that to be limited. Beards are incredibly trendy these days for guys. I know girls who will only date guys with beards. For those girls I hope there is a guy out there for them who enjoys dating shallow women with possible daddy issues.

9) Nice Car:

Okay, I have never actually heard anyone say this, but it has to exist. There has to be at least one girl out there or even a guy who will not date someone unless they have a nice car. We all know by now a nice car usually is because the person lacks something else in their life. The closest I have ever experienced to this was a girl telling me that she was high maintenance and likes to buy expensive clothing. To her credit she finally gave me a reason to turn off my phone.

10) Anything I Forgot:

Feel free to hate me for not making a complete list. There are so many stupid reasons why one person may not date another that I am sure you know a few more. Really the point I wanted to get across here is that you should never be strict about who you date. The perfect person for you may come in a shape, color, eye color, or even a car you weren’t suspecting them to.

wouldnt bang

(I’m also not a fan of her “got my finger shut in the door” shade of nail polish)

This has nothing to do with paying a woman for her services. Instead I am curious if I could get some advice, most specifically from women out there on what I should do. I need some tips on how to court a girl I met.

First of all, this girl is my dream girl. She is everything I would ever want. She’s cute, she’s funny, and holds down a job that doesn’t pay too well. I don’t want to be with some doctor or lawyer. What do I have to offer them? Career women disgust me. I hate young professionals. Doctors are always pulling plugs on the elderly and lawyers are busy defending them even when they know the doctors are guilty. I’m just too nice for them. Oh and there’s that whole money thing. They’ll be making more money than I ever will. That would probably be a problem.

oprah-and-stedman(I don’t want to be Stedman)

I met this girl one night at a restaurant/bar. I was with two friends I hadn’t seen in a long time. At first she didn’t seem to pay much attention to me. She was our waitress and was just doing her job interacting with us. As the night went on though we found out we had a bit too much in common. I would rather not get into what those things were for more private reasons. And when I say private, it doesn’t mean we had matching genitals.

We began talking in a little less formal way. She looked at me the way girls look at guys they adore. Her eyes told me she cared about everything I had to say. Her lips told me she would like to make contact. Her hairline told me I should probably meet her mother to make sure she wouldn’t be bald by the time she hit 40. It gave me butterflies and to the point I felt I had to take a shit.

At one point I made her laugh really hard with a gruesome joke. I can’t even remember what it was, something about someone getting hurt. She touched my arm briefly and everything paused. We locked eyes then looked away. Then we looked back again and we were look two cynics staring at a car crash, unable to look away for too long. Magic was happening.

I have never actually asked a waitress or bartender for her phone number or anything like that. It always seemed like a drunken asshole’s move. This girl though was different because I could tell the feeling was mutual.

bombay040502(This is the most mutual quote in existence. Why focus on the negativity though? The quote should be something like “A hug for a huge will make the whole world smile”)

I was ready to put myself out there, risk an awkward rest of the evening if I was wrong, and ask my dream girl if she would be interested in hanging out sometime. Of course though, things didn’t go as I hoped they would have gone. She was my dream girl so I woke up as I was about to get her information. Yes, this was just a stupid dream I had. But still, that doesn’t mean I don’t need your help.

How do I get my dream girl back? I woke up just as I manned up and she was gone. In the dream I really had to pee so I took that as I had to pee in real life. I did have to pee in real life so I did, but by that time I couldn’t recapture the dream again. I’m afraid she could be gone forever. Any ideas would be very helpful. I don’t want this poor girl from my subconscious to think I ditched her for reality.

progressive-flo(I heard something about how Flo makes a couple million dollars a year from her Progressive commercials alone. Reality blows)

I am in need of some simple help. I am contributing to a new website, a website so new it doesn’t even exist quite yet. Part of the site is submission based/audience participation/whatever you want to call it. The woman in charge is putting a lot of effort into it, like actually buying the domain, so I have a lot of faith that it will at least be worthwhile in some form. So I come to you guys for help on this. What we need are submissions for the following:

Title – Dating
What We’re Looking For – Your craziest dating experience

This is pretty self-explanatory and I know we all have some great ones.

Title – Double Dare
What We’re Looking For – We want you to double dare us to do anything – something you’d like to see!

Does this one not make sense to you? This one is pretty clear as well. Why did I feel like I needed to explain?

Title – StoryTime

What We’re Looking For – We are collecting stories about a time you were overly confident about something that didn’t go exactly as planned

For instance, how we all created our blogs thinking we would be rich and famous by now and none of us are. We want better than that though.

dewey defeats truman

Title – Love & Sex

What We’re Looking For – Go ahead – ask us ANYTHING – but ONLY if you are ready for brutally honest answers

This is kind of like the Dr. Ruth section. Remember when I did that post Pathetic Text Messages? Something like the question the fat idiot in that asked would be acceptable or maybe you can be smarter.

Title – Eavesdropping

What We’re Looking For – We want to hear about crazy or fascinating things you’ve overheard on the streets, in a restaurant, etc.

This is pretty easy, no? Who isn’t hearing people say stupid shit all the time? Come on I know you have some good ones!

Title – Deep Thoughts

What We’re Looking For – Go ahead – blow our minds… in a few sentences or less.

I guess an amazing fact would work here? I’m not sure. Answering this question would blow my mind.

So if you can help out you can either answer in the comments or send me an email if it’s long or more private at timboyle109@yahoo.com or Facebook me if we gossip there sometimes.

There are no limits to what you answer, how much you answer, and you can put as many into one category as you want. If the site is successful I will definitely come up with some ideas where if you are interested that you can contribute your own written pieces to.

That’s all. Thanks and hopefully a few people can contribute before I have to solicit you.

For the second year in a row I was unsure how to approach this topic. When one of the next things I plan to post on this blog is about how I think a popular 90s song is about blow jobs how do I cover such a sensitive subject as I plan to today?

Today is the two-year anniversary of my mother’s death. In this time I’ve had time to experience everything there is to when you lose someone. I’ve felt sadness, anger, and most of all annoyance at everyone else for a million difference reasons. I’m saving my rant on how most people come off as complete idiots when death is involved for something else. I’ll just say the best thing I feel I’ve ever written is based on this terrible thing that happened to me. I entered it into a contest so cross your fingers they’re not looking for an Asian woman to win like so many other contests are. Diversity can bite me.

diversity

(This is one of the first pictures that comes up when searching for diversity. Look who’s missing. The inventor of the light bulb, the car, the airplane, the telephone, the computer, every founder of America, a lot of great people, etc. Why are white males the bad guys now?)

I don’t bring this up for sympathy (okay, maybe a little). I bring this up because it feels strange not to acknowledge. I have also met so many other people through this blog in the last year and it’s always a weird thing to bring up. I almost always try to tell anyone new I meet that I no longer have a mother because eventually it will come up. Indeed I have been guilty of making it more awkward than it had to be. What can I say, I enjoy making people think I hate them.

I could go on forever about my reaction, experiences, and whatnot from the day of, the days that followed, up until now. It’s something I think about almost every day. It’s not so much a sad thing anymore. It’s just something that happened that I can never change or live regretting having done things differently. Her death happened sudden and unexpected which I won’t say is harder, but the shock takes a while to wear-off. And no, she was not shot. Would I have really titled this bullet points if she had been?

With all that said here are some random bullet pointed memories I have of my mom. They’re all nice ones. Today’s not a day to behave like a huge dick, maybe only an infant penis.

infant

(He was very offended by my comment. Or she was. I don’t know. All babies look-alike)

-I was so fat when I was younger my mom would put my baseball uniform over the back rest of her rocking chair to stretch it out. They didn’t make baseball uniforms big enough for my fat boy’s body. We had to improvise.

-I was still so fat when I was younger my mom had to improvise once again when in 5th grade we were given orange safety patrol sashes to wear. Safety patrol was a program the 5th graders were involved in where we did things like collect morning attendance or do the announcements. I’m not sure what my job was. I faked sick the day we selected so I never had to do anything. Anyway, my mom asked the school for a second safety patrol belt so I could actually fit in it. She somehow programmed it so it was now larger and her fat son could appear more normal.

3 col for tara

(Like this except orange and close to 100 pounds bigger)

-To get me to stop biting my nails (which I don’t do, I pick them) my mom would take away my action figures (we called them guys) and put them in something called Guy Jail. Guy Jail was usually a box. She would check my hands once a week and if they didn’t look improved she would take some of them away. She only did this once, most of the time they were hollow threats. I remember crying so hard when I saw Foot Soldiers from the Ninja Turtles falling into a box that used to hold a window fan.

-My mom was not very athletic as most straight mothers tend to not be. Still, she would go out in the backyard with me sometimes and throw a tennis ball to me. Most of my spring, summer, and autumn afternoons/days were spent throwing a tennis ball against our back wall imagining out an entire fictional baseball league. She hated how throwing the ball against the wall would break the shingles so she got involved.

-For over a year my mom and I would watch Jeopardy together and keep score. We got so into it she bought me the video game. The problem with the video game was she couldn’t figure out how to type her answer. It was very aggravating having to type it out for her. I felt like I was helping the enemy.

xbox_738x272v2

(I thought video game graphics were supposed to be good. Does Alex Trebek really look like this now? He looks terrible)

-My mom only got to see me perform stand-up comedy once for some reason. I think she was afraid I might not feel comfortable. It was one of my first times on stage and it went very well. She enjoyed it despite the fact I was so green all I talked about were dicks and shitting on people.

-The last time I saw my mom alive was when she came to my work to give me new bed sheets and a mattress pad. The mattress pad is waterproof and because of this she put it in a bag so no one would see. She figured my coworkers might think I wet the bed. I have those bed sheets on my bed right now. She’d be very upset how much they are due for a wash.

jesus_walks_on_water_900x600

(LEGO Jesus walking on water. I forget how this was relevant but it’s awesome)

There are a lot more memories, but you get the point. The saddest thing about losing someone is all you have left are the memories and there are never any new ones. The best thing you can do is build up as many memories as you can. Write them down, share them with others, and never forget how even when everyone else seems to be against you that there still are a few people who care, support, and love you more than you will ever comprehend.

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