I wrote this piece like two months ago and have been waiting for the right time to post it. It’s a little long but I don’t plan on posting anything new for a few days so feel free to nurse it. This is basically the shortest autobiography ever written.
I believe in reincarnation. Not some stupid traditional cockamamie thing about good people coming back as butterflies and bad people coming back a Kim Kardashian fan. I think in our own lives we can live multiple lives. Not like secret cell phone hidden in the ceiling or having a bizarro family like we insisted my dad used to have. How does someone work from 7 in the morning until midnight without having another family on the side? His children (Jim, Karen, and Reason) must have gotten such great presents because the children I grew up with (Tim, Erin, and Season) usually had to settle for whatever was on sale at the Dollar Store.
I think each life we live can be divided into chapters. Like a book or a DVD (for those of you illiterates) our lives have chapters too. It’s very easy for me to divide my life thus far into different chapters. Maybe you can too.
Chapter 1: October 9, 1987-September 17, 2000
This was the longest time period of chapters mostly because I don’t remember much of the 80s. I remember someone telling me not to catch the “gay flu” and as a baby I would take large poops into my diaper then in a Ronald Reagan impression say “Mommy, tear off this diaper!” If you’re good at math you can see this chapter goes practically up until I became a teenager. It wasn’t a bad chapter. It was full of innocence and curiosity. I was unaware of my surroundings and I had not until recently known that something called a blow job existed. I had no clue why anyone would ever want one, but I was also 12 and was pretty sure you could get someone pregnant just by staring at them long enough. The big events or activities during this time period I think about are going to school, playing little league baseball, and having lots of hope for the future.
(I chose to have hope for the future. Hope Solo has to live with Hope because you can never escape yourself)
Chapter 2: September 18, 2000-July 31, 2004
If my life was completely a book this would be the chapter when shit hits the fan. My parents got into their legendary fight that included vacuum cleaner throwing to start this chapter. It also happened to be my dad’s birthday and the pizza he got went uneaten and turned cold. I started school the very next day and the new black kid in school used me as the example of how fat he used to be before he got his life together. Things quickly spiraled downward. This time period included grades 7-10 for me. I continued getting fatter and with getting fatter you got a lot more depressed about uneaten pizza. My dad no longer lived with us by the end of this chapter and I was the man of the house by process of elimination. The big events or activities during this period I think about are going to school, losing my interest yet still continuing to play little league baseball, and losing all hope for the future.
(Were they really lost or was it more that they were stranded? Even if they knew their location it wouldn’t have done them any good. Purgatory)
Chapter 3: August 1, 2004-August 30, 2007
This chapter was all about fluctuating weight. On August 1, 2004 I began my journey to stop crying over uneaten pizza. I got terrific results and with a slimmer body means people take you more seriously. I could talk to girls now which was a completely change from Chapter 2. I also started driving during this chapter. I had a newfound confidence about who I was. Slowly I began to put weight back on though because people actually learned to like me for who I was and not what I looked like. I graduated from high school then went to community college. On the first night of my sophomore year my class went out to eat at Applebee’s. I ordered a platter of appetizers. I looked down at it and wondered where my future was headed. I was going backwards. It was time for a new chapter in my life. The big events or activities during this period I think about are getting suspended from school, coming to terms with the idea I would never become a professional athlete, and realizing hope is just a word lazy people use to justify laziness.
(I felt a lot like Oprah during this chapter what with my fluctuating weight and all. The only difference is she has millions of people willing to listen to her. I can’t even get a dog to “come here” when I offer him a treat)
Chapter 4: September 1, 2007-December 31, 2008
This would be a very short chapter. It was also probably the second worst. I began starving myself to knock off some weight, around 70 pounds by the time all was said and done. I finished up with school and my parents were ready to sell our house. Toward the end of the chapter I spent almost every day when I wasn’t working or in class in search of something greater which I could never find. The only thing I think about this time period is eating a salmon sandwich and how everyone I was friends with stopped talking to me for completely different reasons. I know it’s kind of late to say it but I really miss that salmon sandwich.
(In the afterlife my friend. It is there we will reunite)
Chapter 5: January 1, 2009-December 28, 2009
I had already started working at a comedy club in New York City at the end of 2008 but it wasn’t until 2009 that I felt like I belonged. It was a great experience in a thousand different ways. This year was the closest I ever have gotten to being a rockstar. One girl literally asked me if I was a rockstar. Then I gave her my phone number and I never heard from her again. Black bitch. It’s not racist that I’m calling her black; remember I gave her my phone number. I was willing. I was also living in a new apartment with my sister which I absolutely hated. The apartment was fine but the lifestyle I had stunk. By the end I had a girlfriend I actually cared about and the most exciting year of my life I ever had. There were a lot of depressing days and donut binge eating adventures, but it was great overall. There are way too memories from this year to list. My favorite, being a god damned rockstar.
(Rockstars rule because even at this age Mick Jagger could steal any woman of any age of any status away from me)
Chapter 6: December 29, 2009-December 31, 2012
At the beginning of this chapter I move out completely on my own. I’m 50 miles from where I grew up and scared as shit. I managed though. Things were terribly depressing and lonely at first because the only person I had anywhere near me was the girl I had been dating. This is the chapter where I become a man. I didn’t slay any lions or remember some Hebrew, I became completely independent and void of anything. I’d like to say I became a more caring person but that might be a lie. I’m a more confident person and I don’t flinch when people call me sir. I’ve come to terms with who I am and all I have to offer the world. The biggest thing I have now that I didn’t in other chapters is drive. I had too much hope early on. Now I’m running on want. I don’t hope to have a good life with lots of success, I want it. Again, to sum up this chapter would take forever. I had a lot more good memories than I did bad ones. I’m a tougher person more human person because of everything that happened here.
(This picture may have happened during this chapter but it is not an accurate representation of everything)
Chapter 7: December 1, 2012-?
This chapter has yet to be written. The best way to ensure a new chapter starts is by moving and that’s exactly what I am doing. If I may make a prediction I see myself marrying Malin Akerman within the year, earning the right to have complete control over Hollywood after defeating every executive ever in an arm-wrestling tournament, and most likely I am voted Time Magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive. All of this happens after I defeated the aliens on the Mayan Apocalypse but you’d have to be an idiot not to see that one coming.
(I wish I got to play Fake Batman in this movie. Or at least the knocked out prisoner behind them. He looks like he has a great view)
It’s important to have your life full of chapters. Would you want to read a book without them? If you can’t divide your life into chapters then maybe you’re stuck in a rut. You may need a change of scenario, people in your life, or something else. Consistency is great but you also don’t want your life to be the same forever. My epilogue would say how important it is to evolve. Your death-bed should be surrounded by amazing people from all walks of life who never met. Live life to the fullest. Nobody wants to be around some bore who settled too soon.