Posts Tagged ‘mayans’

I’ve always had a fascination with the End of the World. In 2008 I saw an advertisement on a bus for a special on Nostradamus and dropped everything I had going on in life to watch the 5-hour spectacular. Unlike most things referred to as spectaculars, this one had no glitter or dancing which was a tad disappointing. No musical numbers means no toe tapping and no toe tapping means less fun.

To harp onto tomorrow’s impending doom (I’m not referring to how I intend on moving a mattress up 3 flights of stairs) I have decided to give a short rerun on things I have written about on the Apocalypse. Well, two things really and you’ll probably not read either so just great. Possibly the last post I ever do on this blog will have been for nothing. Oh well, it may have been nice knowing you but probably not because when has someone ever been right on predicting something so far in advance?

I present to you an old blog post I did called Mayans as well as an old spec script I wrote what was now almost 2 years ago based on the show Community. Enjoy them both or most likely neither.


End of the World Survival Skills and Party Planning

Today marks my one year anniversary of creating this blog. I won’t go too into history or background behind it. It would remind me too much of my birthdays as a child when my parents would tell me how happy they were that each had drinking problems and rented that Sharon Stone film to get them in the mood. I’m joking of course. Even by the time I was conceived Sharon Stone was on a down trend and my parents never would have admitted to having drinking problems. Except when they were mad at me. Then they’d say they were sorry they were such drunks and made such a disappointment of a son.

(Me, sad on my birthday. Why was I so upset this year? My cake design was pumpkin, Lincoln log cabin, giant snowman. I wanted ninjas)

Anniversary is a Latin word meaning “anally” and we only get our anuses checked out once a year by a doctor. We’re supposed to get it done twice a year but what’s 6 months? That’s why we have anniversaries once a year. To match up with our anal examinations. Sometimes people use the word inappropriately. Kids will say it’s their one week anniversary of dating someone. Actually, no. It’s not. You must last one entire year for it to be an anniversary. But you won’t last a year. You eat boogers and are fat and your girlfriend has braces and the biggest boobs in the 5th grade. The second a 6th grader with a mustache spots her, she’s his.

I’m never sure if bad things should be called anniversaries. Deaths, break-ups, cancer diagnosis, theatrical film release of Charlie St. Cloud, all of them are terrible yet there’s no better word than anniversary to use each year on that date. Pearl Harbor had the day that will live in infamy. But that’s a mouthful. Who even uses the word infamy when they’re not talking about Japanese sneak attacks? FDR had to use big words and great catchphrases. His twin brother Teddy Roosevelt came up with “talk softly and carry a big stick.” That’s an awesome quote. If I was a librarian/woodsman I would use it all the time. Teddy Roosevelt will always be my hero because he, like me, suffered from asthma as a child. He also refused to kill a bear. I’ve never killed a bear either. I believe Teddy was the one who formed the Bull-Moose political party. You see where I’m going with this? All I need is a mustache and a charge up a Cuban hill and we’re the same guy.

(One’s a neat freak and the other knows how to party hard. If they were actually brothers this could be great on NBC Wednesday night lineup)

The most common anniversaries that are celebrated in a positive light are marriages and birthdays. A marriage anniversary is simply called an anniversary. It has no special word because nobody outside of the two heterosexuals in the relationship really care. Gay people don’t have real anniversaries. They have fraudaversaries. A gay anniversary would be kind of weird. They’d get together at a diner and talk about how they first met at the truck stop. That’s how I understand gay people to be at least. Replace all places with truck stop, all activities with felching, and all names with Bruce Vilanch. Birthdays have their own special name. We all have a birthday. Men from the Caribbean sometimes have two birthdays, years apart. They don’t keep very good track of their birth certificates in those countries. I think they use their certificates as coconut bibs.

(Why do we always forget that this is the ugliest man alive?) 

I look back at my old documents on my computer from a year ago to see where my life was at. I don’t remember much of what I was doing other than struggling with ideas. Last April and May had been very unproductive months for me. I resorted to filling out some type of character profile to help try to spark some ideas on a shitty idea that I had. I’m sure you’ve seen them before. You answer dumb irrelevant questions about your fake person like what their favorite color is and what they’d do if they found a human head in the toilet after taking a dump. My character was just an asshole. It had already been a month of not having any brand new ideas so I decided to start-up a blog which nobody read. That continued for a month until my neighbor’s Internet I was stealing was blocked. Luckily I wised up and realized I don’t need to create characters. There are already so many nutty people around me. I can write about them! And that’s a little blurb on how to get over writer’s block. Do what I do and write about the idiots you encounter everyday. Give them a rocket ship or have them die in a horrific car accident. Remember to change their names though. Unless you’re pretty sure they’ll be dead by the time anyone else reads it. That’s my rule anyway.

A year from now who knows where I will be? I’d like to think I’d be so incredibly famous and busy to continue blogging but I know that probably will not be true. This is the longest I’ve consistently kept a blog going so there’s some celebrating to do I guess. There are so many pluralized topics to continue to go over. So many truths to be told and stories to be shared. On April 28, 2013, post-Mayan Apocalypse we can all laugh about how silly we were on this day. How fat we got in that year. How different yet the same our lives are. That’s why I think we have anniversaries. They help us progress further. Give us something to look forward to. Remind us that we need a finger up our butts.

(I never thought I’d say this but this stock photo is giving me an erection. She looks like she actually wants me to bend over for her)

I’m a big believer in the Mayans. Not their prophecies or anything. Just that they once existed. The verdict is still out on the existence of Spanish people from Spain. I’m starting to think that Spain is a fictional place that Puerto Ricans and Colombians claim to be their original motherland. It’s like their Narnia.

(Doesn’t exist)

In case you’re never watched the History Channel, the Discovery Channel, or talk to a drunk guy at 2 in the morning, the Mayans “predict” that the world will end on December 21, 2012. Funny thing is, I was into this Mayan craze years ago. Back then, Doomsday was December 12, 2012. I don’t blame the Mayans for not quite being sure about which day the world would end. They didn’t have pens or scrap paper to do their math on. I’ll give them a 9 day margin of error.

A few other contributions that Mayans have given to our modern society other than fear are the movie Apocalypto, the movie 2012, and half-assed pyramids with steps. Okay, as much as I’ve read about the Mayans I still don’t know very much. I know they disappeared without a trace. Modern day Mexicans are partly descendents of them. That’s about it. Everything else is from Ancient Aliens and is a bunch of nonsense about how they could possibly have been aliens themselves. Wouldn’t that be ironic if that was true? The Mexicans that sneak across the border would be double aliens. Does that cancel themselves out? I think so. If you’re an alien who comes to this planet and you manage to cross the border to another country, you deserve to stay. Nowhere near me of course.

I don’t really have much of a plan for the 2012 disaster. Well, who says it’s going to be a disaster? All we know is that their calendars end on that day. My calendar ends on December 31, 2011. That’s when I believed the world was going to end all year-long. Then I got a new one and that one ends on December 31, 2012. I don’t know who to believe. The Mayans or the cute Labrador Retriever on the month of December of my new calendar.

(Even Jewish people have to admit this is adorable)

The Mayans aren’t the first people to claim that the world would end. Not even close. People have been doing that for centuries. Like that douche bag Nostradamus. Did you know that he never predicted a single thing? He lost his entire fortune gambling he was so bad at predicting the outcome of football games. On his wedding day, he predicted that his marriage would last forever. The man was married 9 more times before dying, which he predicted he never would do. He made bets with friends while watching Romantic Comedies. He’d say “Julia Roberts won’t end up with the guy” and then he’d lose. He’d have to dress up like a French maid for a week and clean his buddy’s apartment. I almost bought a Nostradamus book for a dollar. Then I remembered he was nothing more than a poet who wrote about his own era. He said things about how a harsh leader would rise up and take control at the end of times. What leaders aren’t harsh? It’s happening all the time. Nostradamus wasn’t some oracle. He was a rhyming Frenchman. Can we really trust a guy from the same country that made Jerry Lewis’s career?

(Screw saying something interesting or poignant, a funny face is all you need to be a legend)

I have my own prediction for 12/21/2012. It will be a Friday. How do I know this? I looked it up on the Internet. Something the Mayans didn’t have. Are we really going to believe that a group of people who didn’t have the Internet know when the world is going to end? Sir Isaac Newton said that the world cannot end before 2050. It’s mathematically impossible. I don’t know how he figured that out. Most of his science involved being smacked in the head with fruits. I know he never had the Internet either, much like the Mayans. One thing Newton had over them was pants. Always trust a man with pants over a nation without them.

Really there’s no reason to be afraid. I’ve watched television programs, movies, read books, and used logic to determine that the Mayans predicted a date of the end of the world is no different from you doing it. This is all fear mongering and it will never stop. New Mayans will come along. New groups of people who supposedly claim to know when we will all die. They won’t say how or even what will happen. They’ll give us a date. That’s all. Then as a whole we’ll all have to hold our collective breaths hoping that they were wrong. I don’t know about you, but I’m not ready to die in a catastrophic event. Maybe a car crash or a runaway anvil, but not a mega-volcano.

Now to end with the most appropriate song by R.E.M. It’s a song about the end of the world. Enjoy!