Posts Tagged ‘michael vick’

Football season has started. This means people who like football talk about nothing but football and people who dislike football talk about nothing but disliking football. The latter are still talking about football. It’s such a popular sport in America that you can be a murderer, a drunk, a drug user, a wife beater, and still get a shoe deal. Because who doesn’t want to own the same shoe as the guy who slammed the accelerator of his car to run over an innocent pedestrian?

(Donte Stallworth was charged with DUI manslaughter on April 1, 2009; he surrendered to police on April 2, 2009, and was released on $200,000 bail.As a result of a plea deal, he received a sentence of 30 days in the county jail, plus 1,000 hours of community service 2 years of community control, and 8 years probation. He has also received a life-time suspension of his Florida state driver’s license.On July 10, 2009, Stallworth was released from county jail after serving 24 days of a 30-day sentence. Fucking lovely)

When most people think of Pennsylvania I don’t think they’re thinking football. What do people really think about when they think about Pennsylvania? At least when you hear New Jersey you can think about some idiot on a boardwalk. The thing about New Jersey though is we have no real identity. Everyone in my state either associates themselves with New York or Pennsylvania. We have one major league sports franchise that play here and actually admit to playing here, the New Jersey Devils. The Giants and the Jets play in New Jersey but they are so embarrassed they bought a PO Box in New York to deceive everyone else around the country.

Pennsylvania actually is a big football state. There is a city called Jim Thorpe after the old-timey player. He grew up in the area, I hope. It’s a middle of nowhere city with nothing to offer society. At least Hershey, Pennsylvania has Hershey Park, the only theme park based around high blood sugar. Even Chevy Chase, Maryland is better than Jim Thorpe City. If Chevy Chase can have a city named after him then I’m sure one day we will get Chris Kattan, Wyoming.

(This is the most offensive image I have ever seen. There’s a line to comedy, this is way over it)

The real thing I wanted to point out about Pennsylvania Football Fans is they have to be really loyal to stick with it. They also have to throw away any morals. We’re all well aware about Jerry Sandusky and the things he did at Penn State. Penn State is a gigantic evil force whose cult stretches across the entire state and beyond. It’s sick how loyal some of these fans and alumni can be to a school that could cover up such horrible crimes. The most egregious statements people make are defending Joe Paterno. There are few people I would defend forever. Most of them have seen me naked. I’ll never understand being able to stay loyal to a school that did what Penn State did. The Subway I used to go to raised their sandwich prices 25 cents and I boycotted going there. Suckers of the Penn State dick, what you used to love about the school has changed. Admit you were fooled by the douchebags in charge there and move on.

(“That’s right, I’m fucking you all over. And I’m so old and senile I don’t realize my hand should be turned the other way around to say ‘fuck you.’ Why am I dressed as a pilot? Why do people who give a shit about me after what a liar I was?” – Joe Paterno)

The actual NFL has a lot of problems in Pennsylvania. Quarterback for the Pittsburgh Steelers Ben Roethlisberger may have his name come up in spell check but he is still a massive asshole. The guy has been accused on numerous occasions of treating women like Jerry Sandusky treats the age of consent laws, with little respect. Big Ben’s worst crime was statutory rape. I’m always willing to believe a woman might be lying especially when it happens with someone with money. The erotic thriller Wild Things has proven to me to never believe anything anyone says during a rape trial. But seriously, was the pool scene in that movie completely overrated or did I get a copy of the film where it was edited down? That’s the last time I rent a movie from the library for the nudity. As far as Roethlisberger goes, he’s a womanizing ass and with as many accusations as he’s had, I’m sure at least one is true.

(Wonderful, I get the version of the film where the pool scene is almost completely cut out. I think I got the gay version because Kevin Bacon in the shower hanging dong lasted for half the film)

Of course there is still Michael Vick for me to comment on. I hate this guy. I’ve decided to follow this football season and become a fan of any player who injures him. People still defend the guy. I don’t live near Pittsburgh so I’m not sure how much Roethlisberger’s troublemaking dick gets brought up but Vick’s dog killing ways is a constant subject. There is nothing about Vick I find redeeming or feel-good. The media attempts to say he’s a changed man who got a second chance. A second chance? Nobody accidentally runs a dog fighting ring then drowns the losers. People accidentally call the wrong number or invade Iraq. The thing people say about Vick is that he has “paid his debt to society.” The guy never served a term for animal abuse. He went away to prison for the gambling. It pains me to know Vick is out there making millions of dollars and sucking ass on the field anyway. Please, any linebackers reading this, crush this guy’s skull into the ground.

(Redemption is when someone who was beaten down by the world rises up and accomplishes something great. Michael Vick’s story has nothing redeeming about it unless he ends up eaten by dogs. Please. Please. Please)

(Let’s pray one day Michael Vick ends up in this bag or one similar to it)

Football fans living in Pennsylvania, how do you do it? How do you find interest in a sport in your state when everyone seems to be a pedophile, a womanizer, or animal abuser? Maybe you should try hockey. The most well-known hockey player in Pennsylvania is Sidney Crosby. He’s a cry baby but at least I’m pretty sure he’d never hurt another human being with except with tears.

Most normal people have owned a pet. All psychotic people have. We all have that lonely person in our lives who lives with an animal. We’re not quite sure exactly how much they love that animal either. Are they dating? I don’t know. Cats can’t go to the movies which means they would be a bad date. Find a human being to make you happy.

I would recommend that everyone at one point have a pet in their life. It’s strange that some people never have. Having a living creature depend on you really helps eliminate the callous attitude inside us all. That’s why Ace Ventura was such a nice guy and Ebenezer Scrooge was a dick. Ace was always having to feed snakes and cuddle with porcupines. Ebenezer didn’t have any pets. It took seeing a crippled kid hypothetically dying for him to change his ways. But let’s be honest for a moment. Tiny Tim probably deserved to die. God Bless Us Everyone? Even terrorists, rapists, and Paris Hilton supporters? You deserved that gimp leg Tiny Tim. Not everyone deserves a blessing.

Dogs – These are probably my favorite species to have as a pet. They’re the most human other than monkeys. But you don’t want a monkey as a pet. They end up taking over. There was a Malcolm in the Middle episode about that. Dogs are like having a retarded brother/sister around. They sniff your crotch and eat food off the ground. Exactly how I would imagine my sisters to behave if they were retarded. Dogs are known as “Man’s Best Friend” and I get that. My dog isn’t my best friend. I’m lonely but not that lonely. The most annoying thing about a dog is that they are too clingy. They’re like that girl you just started dating and all of a sudden she doesn’t want you to go out with your friends anymore. Oddly enough, most girls that pull shit like that look like dogs.

Cats – I’m more of a dog person than a cat person, but I still don’t mind cats. I have bad allergies to them. Does that mean a lion would make me sneeze? I asked a man at the zoo that and he said he didn’t work there. My bad. He was wearing khakis so I figured he was on duty. Cats for some reason have always reminded me of gay men. They’re always cleaning themselves, rubbing their asses on things, and drinking from saucers. Maybe I need to hang around a few gays more. I don’t think John Travolta drinks from a saucer. Cats have the advantage of being small. They’re cuddly creatures who can easily be tossed around in joy or rage. That’s why I like them. I always find it funny that they bury their poop.

Hermit Crabs – Okay, now we’re getting into the lousy pets. Hermit crabs were very popular when I was younger. I don’t know why. I always thought I was a dumb kid but my classmates must have been worse. They bought into the idea that a seashell could be a pet. I took care of someone’s hermit crabs for them one time. I didn’t see them move the entire week. What a lousy animal. A pet is not a pet unless it can learn its name. Hermit crabs should be smashed below the heel of my boot. I never hurt animals but to me hermit crabs are not animals. They’re glorified rocks.

Lizards – My family had a lizard briefly. It was a chameleon. Not nearly as cool as the Spiderman villain. He sort of changed colors. I don’t remember much. He probably much starved to death because he wouldn’t eat. Iguanas are really cool. So are poor transitions from one thing to another. I like iguanas because they have giant flaps of skin that looks like beards. My babysitter’s pimply son had one. I don’t think he let me pet it. The first naked picture of a woman I ever saw belonged to him. He hid it in a Nintendo video game case. I have to say, as pointless as lizards are, they’re pretty sweet. I’m a big reptile fan. My parents used to say it was because I liked the color green. I think it’s because I can relate to their dry scaly skin.

Turtles – One of my favorite animals. Like I said, I love reptiles. I also love ninjas. So you can imagine how much of an influence Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles was for me. Mutants are fun to look at. And hey, call me crazy, but some teenagers are pretty sweet to look at too. I would love to own a turtle. I did briefly. We found him stranded in a field. Why was I in a field? I hate corn. We nursed him back to health by feeding him grass or whatever it is turtles eat then released him to freedom. Turtles are an animal I’d love to ride on the back of. They’re not too fast that I’d be frightened and they’re green! I love green!

Snakes – Now, I said I like reptiles. That does not mean I like snakes. Freud might say that I was attacked by penises as a child. I say it’s just because I am a descendant of Indiana Jones. Snakes are creepy. Owners of snakes are creepy. I think when you purchase a snake from the pet store they make sure you have at least 3 tattoos of naked women. Snakes always seem to be breaking out of their cages and crawling into the walls. That’s so scary. A big slimy tentacle crawling around. I’ve touched a snake before which was interesting. I’ve also touched a fat girl before but I wouldn’t want one of those as a pet either.

Fish – Other than looking at them, there’s no point in owning a fish. They can’t communicate much with you. They can’t hear a thing you say. Rich people always seem to own fish. I’m basing this off of Deuce Bigelow: Male Gigolo. I enjoy a nice piece of fish for dinner every so often too. I would never want a pet that I could potentially want to eat. Having a shark as a pet might be awesome, but some kind of a shiny French type that puffs out its lips I can do without. Unless I make a friend that looks like the fish. Then I can use the fish to make my friend.

Rabbits – My Old Lady owns a rabbit. I joke how much she should be slammed in a door or dropped out of a plane without a parachute, but truth is she’s not that terrible. Yes, she’s very overrated. All she does is try to chew wires and piss on the floor. She sounds like old people. I’m talking about the rabbit by the way, not my notgirlfriend (that’s what we call each other now). I want to make that clear. The best thing about rabbits is that they hop. That’s kind of all they do. Hop and make little shits that I could hide in my fingernails. I would eat a rabbit if given the chance. I’ve even just about every other animal. That’s how I assert my dominance. By eating the families of lesser species.

Rodents – This includes rats, mice, chinchillas, and any other rodent that I can’t think of. I used to have a chinchilla. It died of head exhaustion because my bedroom didn’t have an air conditioner. How grim is that? It’s like the heat wave telling me that I’m next. I never liked my chinchilla as much as I should have. He belonged to someone else before me and I never felt like we had a chance to fall in love. Rats and mice are a little different from a chinchilla. I’m kind of grossed out by them. They seem too disease filled. And seeing a mouse always makes me think of someone dangling it by the tail over a snake and that makes me sad. A pet shouldn’t make you sad. It should make you want to murder it for being so damn adorable.

Birds – For a species that gets confused with Superman by onlookers of Metropolis, birds are kind of lame. Talking parrots are cool. They’re always helping solve murders by repeating what happened at the scene of the crime. They can also be wise guys. I associate birds with old women. Probably because they had the bird when they were a little girl who still had her hymen. They remind her of a simpler time. They’re too yappy for me. I’d get married if I wanted constant sound in my ear. Get married and let my mother in law move in with us. Hey, that’s an original idea for a sitcom!

I think I covered most of the normal pets people have. (I originally wrote “pants” instead of “pets”, there’s where my mind is at) I’m sure I’m forgetting something. If you own one of the pets I dislike, I’m glad you at least like them. I also do no consider horses pets. A pet isn’t something that you can get kicked to death by or bucked off of. And farm animals too. A duck should not be a pet. A duck should be fed bread then never interact with humans ever again. I just realized ducks aren’t farm animals. Well, pigs then. Pigs are not pets. Nor are spiders. I was going to write about tarantulas, but I don’t consider things I could crush with a large tissue a pet.

P.S. I also got an unusual mention on another blog. At least someone pays attention to my little “Easter Eggs” I place around. Big Old Katy Sagal Tits

Roommates

Posted: December 20, 2011 in Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , , , , ,

Years ago, a Jewish person who I thought was gay and flirting with me gave me some advice. He said to never make a friend of yours your roommate. You’ll grow to hate them. I think this is true. Unless you’re open about how you don’t want to hate each other, it’s inevitable. I later found out that he wasn’t gay. My mistake was that I had never talked to a Jewish person before. I didn’t know how flamboyant and talkative they could be. The older you get, the more you learn.

I have a roommate. It’s a dog. He’s the family dog whom I am taking care of, temporarily I hope. What’s temporary? 8 months and counting is. He’s not technically allowed to be here because he’s too fat. They have a weight limit in my apartment complex. They don’t want dogs over 35 pounds. I wish they had a weight limit on people here. It only seems fair if there is one for animals. Luckily the people who live above me don’t work which means they can’t afford to eat. I only have to worry about them crashing through my floor during one of their weekly shouting matches. Why do I get the sense that I’m going to have to be the one to call the cops?

My roommate and I don’t get along very well. He’s a dog, remember. I usually get along great with animals. They love me. Not this bastard. He’s a dick. We used to get along better. Then I didn’t see him for a year and he has an attitude about that. I was never his favorite. In fact, no joke, he just farted on me as I am typing this. I didn’t feel it or hear it but I certainly smell it. I told you he was a bastard.

So to embarrass him, I would like to name a few things that he should change about himself. I feel like a woman yelling at her boyfriend doing this. It’s necessary for revenge factors.

Annoying Things About McGwire The Dog

1) He always pants whenever the temperature is 65 or above. I get it that he’s fat and all, but 65 isn’t that hot. My electric bill was so high in August because of him. Does he care? No. Dogs don’t have to worry about bills. Only ducks do! (I hate myself for saying that)

2) Whenever I pat the couch and say “come on McGwire, sit next to me and cuddle” he walks over, looks at me, then leaves. What a dick move! Not only does he not obey his master, he teases me and then leaves and goes into the other room. He’s sitting next to me right now (remember how he farted on me?) and that’s only because it’s late and he’s trying to hint to me that I need to go to bed and get off his fucking couch. His words, not mine.

3) He can’t aim when he pees. This could be due to a few medical problems he has, but seriously, this is annoying. You’ve got paws. Use them to aim your dick! I would much rather be living with a guy who pees on the toilet seat than a dog who pisses on his own leg and one time into his own face. He also pees like a girl. So embarrassing.

4) He has this unwritten rule that I can only go outside twice a day without him crying nonstop. I can do it in the morning after he eats and at night after he eats. In short, after he gets what he wants I can go die in a car crash for all he cares.

5) My dirty clothes sprawled out on the ground in my bedroom is his favorite place to lay. This is annoying when I feel like wearing a dirty shirt. Yes, sometimes I like to put on a dirty shirt you know for painting or dates with fat girls I want to end poorly. It’s probably my fault for allowing him there and once Christmas rolls around I’ll have a hamper and things will be better.

6) He eats my clothes, blankets, and bed sheets. Have you ever seen a dog poop out the color plaid? I have. A lot. He loves eating plaid things for some reason. He ate a part of one of my plaid shirts. He ate the image of a smiling face off of another shirt. That’s cruel and Satanic. Of all of the images to eat he chooses one of a smiley face. The shirt did say “I Hate You” but he doesn’t know that. He can’t read!

7) Sometimes McGwire gets in the garbage. I don’t ever throw away anything interesting to eat. The other day I came home to two egg shells, a ripped up plate, and a bottle of carrot juice which he didn’t even bother touching. I’m sure he was very upset to realize that I always clean my plate. Probably why he hid with his tail between his legs while I beat him with a belt.

8 ) My apartment has two rooms in it. A bedroom and a living room type thing. Chances are, if I’m in the living room he’s in the bedroom. When I enter the bedroom, he leaves and goes into the living room. My parents lived together for about 2 years and didn’t speak. This reminds me of that and I start to cry again.

9) Whenever my girlfriend comes over he will not leave us alone. All day long when I’m with him he acts like I don’t exist. The second she gets here my crotch becomes the most interesting thing to him. Maybe he’s trying to send her signals that it’s what she should be doing, but I don’t think he’s that clever.

10) He does a lot of other things that most dogs do. He barks at inappropriate times, tries to eat other dog’s poop, exists, begs for food, and makes me sneeze. I can’t really fault him for these, but I wanted you to know that he also sucks in the obvious ways that other dogs do too.

11) He has never gotten a girl to talk to me. Isn’t that the whole point of having a dog? Attracting girls? I’ve walked him in public enough for some hot mama to notice and everyone looks at him like he’s a big retard buffoon. He is, but it’s impolite to stare and they should be old enough to know that.

12) He will only let someone pet his face for so long before he sticks his butt in your face. He loves his butt rubbed and slapped. No normal living creature should like this much humiliation. He’d probably get off on reading how embarrassing this is. His red penis (lipstick as I call it) would pop out.

13) He’s a pussy. I mean a massive gaping one. Three little yapping dogs live next door and whenever he sees them he hides. He’s 5 times their size and that’s not an exaggeration. Even three of them they’re barely half his size. He’s also very afraid of thunder and fireworks. He’s very unpatriotic. McGwire hates America and that’s why you should hate him too.

McGwire does have a few cool things about him. For one he knows what the word “Dinner” and “Breakfast” mean. I can say to him “Do you want to go for a car ride?” and 50% of the time he will guess the correct car in which he will be entering. He doesn’t do it anymore, but when we were younger boys whenever I would toss him a ball he’d try to catch it with his paws like I would catch it. He farts a lot which can cover up any of my farts that I might make in front of others. If I drop food he’s there to clean it up. That’s my favorite because I’m lazy when it comes to cleaning. For a while, he would wake me up right before my alarm went off. I really dig internal clocks. I don’t know why he couldn’t have waited 5 minutes to walk into my room wagging his tail and smiling. He would have saved himself a couple of strangling sessions that I gave him later on in the day.

The only other good thing about him is that for the first 5 minutes after I come home he pretends to be happy to see me. I know it’s because he has to pee, but I like to pretend that he actually has some sort of love and affection towards my being. I know that can’t be true. Something that smells as bad as he does can’t possibly have the capacity to love anything that cannot be eaten. Unless he’s planning to eat me. Shit. That’s why he’s been so sweet lately.

Michael Vick the dog killer is now making 16.7 million dollars a year for the next 6 years equaling out to around $100 million. That’s about 16.6837593198503 more than I make a year. I have never killed a dog.

Everyone that I have ever loved will not combined make that much money. I have never loved someone who has killed a dog.

I’ve wanted to kill dogs. They’re annoying. They yip. They yap, but I show restraint. I know that killing dogs is a bad thing. I’m younger than Michael Vick and I know that killings dogs is wrong. He went to college and still didn’t learn that killing dogs was a bad thing. Isn’t college supposed to make you smart? Guess not. People who graduate from college are dog murderers, like Michael Vick.

RANDOM INCONSEQUENTIAL FACT: Michael Vick has played for the Falcons and the Eagles. He has never killed a bird. He only kills dogs.

People say that Michael Vick has served his time and deserves a second chance. I agree. Osama Bin Laden has been killed. Lets reanimate him to give him a second chance. The Raiders need a punter. Bin Laden’s got big feet.

Here’s a suggestion. Michael Vick can play football but he can’t get paid to do it. We take that $100 million dollars and give it out to 100 people and divide it evenly. These 100 people are told to start a business. With their now $1 million dollars, they start their dream businesses and hire the unemployed. This creates jobs. If the jobs say are low paying, around $20,000 a year, and half of that million goes into investing in products and the salary of the owner, 25 new people can have jobs at each of these. Multiple that by 10 and you have created 250 new jobs. And that’s all if the business goes nowhere. If the business goes somewhere, more people will be hired, franchises could be made, and even more money can be made. It’s a simple idea that makes logical sense but won’t happen because we reward dog killers like Michael Vick.

When people have to struggle to feed their families while men who strangle dogs as a hobby can continue to make assloads of money, I throw up a little bit. If you don’t, you’re a dog killer too. Professional athletes are overpaid as it is. Now, dog killers are overpaid too.

I don’t believe Michael Vick has redeemed himself. I don’t believe that he should be seen as a hero. He’s a guy who allowed dogs to fight and then get killed. The phrase “second chance” was created for every situation but this. Second chances are given to guys who blow it on the first date. To kids who forgot to study for an exam. There are no second chances in football so why give dog killers like Michael Vick one at living the dream?