Posts Tagged ‘miess’

There are lots of things to celebrate. Clean air, clean drinking water, clean clothes, Kleenex. Those are just a few of the wonderful things in life we have to celebrate on a daily basis. I guess if you don’t live in the First World then you don’t have much to celebrate though. Most of the Third World people don’t have any of that. They live in Kleenex boxes. I’ve always heard of mentions of the First World and the Third World but never anything of the Second World. What countries fall into that category? Maybe those are countries like Poland where you always hear about people fleeing from but you never see massive amounts of dead people from there on the news stacked up. That’s kind of shitty for those Third World people. Your life already sucks and now we’re ranking you at the bottom. Like you don’t already know that your country is lame. Fortunately most of those people don’t know any better. They celebrate things like mediocre air, bloodless drinking water, clothes post-1988, and leaves to blow their nose on.

(Somalian tissue)

Even more than reasons to celebrate, there are different ways to do it. I don’t celebrate much. I rarely smile when someone isn’t being victimized. I’m evil. You know that already. Let’s get onto the ways to celebrate.

Shouting out is one common way of celebrating. Common things that people say are “Yay”, “Woohoo”, “Fuck balls that was awesome”, and a simple “Yes!” Expressing your celebration vocally is good because some people can’t read body language. You know that friend that won’t leave your place when you’re yawning and pointing at them then at the door. That’s who I’m referring to. They need you to express your joyfulness through words. They’re too dumb to understand anything less.

Body language is the other most common way of communication after making noises with your tongue lips. That’s something called speaking. Even a dog can do that and understand it. But we can’t understand everything a dog says. Are we dumber than dogs? Some of us are. Like people who you invite over and they say they’re only going to stay a few hours but they end up over staying their welcome. They eat your food. They follow you everywhere you go. Those kind of dummies are what I’m referring to as having less brain power than a poodle, the dumbest of the dog species.

(Why does this dog remind me of every slutty woman at a night club?)

One body language thing you can do to celebrate is the fist pump. I’m not talking Jersey Shore dancing in a club fist pumping. You know, I’ve been in New Jersey for almost a quarter of a century. That I believe is a “Score” and 4 years. A “Score” is 20 years I believe. Why couldn’t Lincoln just say exactly how many years ago? Confusing fucker. No wonder people were after his head. The fist pump involves throwing your arm in the air with your fist clenched. It’s almost as if you’re punching your guardian angel above you. And let’s be honest, most guardian angels need to be punched. Way too many people die in car accidents. You’ve got one job to do guardian angels. Protect us!

Dancing is yet another thing we do when we celebrate. You can dance however you want. Unless you’re a white person. Then you kind of flounder around aimlessly. Times where dancing is most appropriate to celebrate are after someone tells you they love you for the first time or after you win a dance competition. It’s kind of like a victory lap to rub it into the losers who could not bring it in the dance off. I would not suggest celebrating with a dance. It’s kind of douchey and you might get hurt. Then I’ll have something to celebrate. Your agony.

(The woman in pink seems unsure if she should clap or not)

Sometimes we get to celebrate with others. That allows us to do more celebratory things. One of them is the high-five. That’s when you slap hands at an impressive speed. It makes a slapping sound. The louder the slap, the deeper in the closet of homosexuality you probably are. Even more strange the touching hands with another man is the chest bump. A boob bump is fine when girls are doing it. That’s sexy. A chest bump though? A man getting a running start, jumping in the air, then bumping chests with another man who stands still like a brick wall? No. That’s unnecessary. Nothing is worth that kind of celebrating. More people need to die during chest bumps. You’d think they would. Slapping your hearts together with such force? That’s got to cause some damage. There’s also the fist bump. We know what that is. It’s how germaphobic people shake hands. Did you know germaphobic doesn’t even come up as being spelt correctly? That means it’s not real. Even Arnold Schwarzenegger comes up in spell check as being a word. I bet he’s not afraid of the snot of others. Grow up and build up an immunity. Or else you’ll die the next time you don’t properly clean off a Coke can with the inside of your shirt.

That’s about it for the most common forms of celebrating. There are others, of course. You can fire off a gun, push someone hard, break something important to a family member, fall to your knees and punch the floor, and many other fun things. I remember once being told by a teacher that I should celebrate by putting my hands together, picking them up and putting them to my head, then shaking them back and forth on either side of my head. I took her suggestion and felt like I had just won something in the 1950s. That was the last time anybody seriously celebrated that way. But it didn’t matter. I was the champ and champions get to celebrate however they want. I chose the nerdiest way possible.


Posted: September 28, 2011 in September 2011
Tags: , , , , , ,

There is no justice on the planet earth. No court, no God, no government can control the injustices that happen in this world. There are two grave injustices that I want to focus on today. There are lots, like starving children and soft toilet paper being expensive. They are not topics for today, perhaps tomorrow. When you think about it though, those two injustices never go together. If you’re hungry you don’t shit. If you have rough toilet paper, at least you’re eating. Nobody can ever complain about them both.

Injustice Number One:

Hitler achieved more in his lifetime than I, you, or anyone any of us know ever will. He had more money and power despite being evil.

Say you what you want about the NAZI bastard, he got shit done. A lot of people I know like to try to put a positive spin on things. They say that everything happens for a reason. That being the case, then why the Holocaust? Why did so many have to die in concentration camps and in war because one man had an ideology of what the perfect human being was? Well, I guess I’ll try to put something positive that may come out of it. Work ethic. Looking at Hitler, he had such a great work ethic. He was born a poor Austrian boy (still some debate on the boy part) and rose up from the ashes to live his dreams of massacring millions. It’s the American dream, except instead of making 6 million dollars a year playing baseball, that’s how many people he killed.

Like any dictator or bad boy rocker, Hitler had a soft side. He was a vegetarian and an avid animal lover. So the next time PETA asks you for donations, don’t give them any. They could be the next evil doer. I’m sure there are a lot more funny things about Hitler, but not much is known. There was a rumor I once heard that he had one of his testicles removed because during his passionate speeches he would ejaculate into his snazzy NAZI trousers. Imagine that. Someone that loves themselves so much that hearing themselves talk about what they loved would make them cum. Evil man. Passionate about his beliefs. Another thing a lot of people don’t have, passion. How many people do you know that sleep away their dreams and don’t get out of bed until they have to? Complain about their problems and do nothing to solve them? They’re good people, yes, but lazy motherfuckers. There are people who do and people who sit around eating potato chips all day watching sports. Hitler never ate a potato chip in his life. He nearly dominated the entire world. We’d admire him if instead of killing others he was out planting trees. Christ, where did his parents go wrong?

Cult comedian Bill Hicks put it best when he said “Hitler had the right idea, he was just an underachiever.” He went on to proclaim that Hitler should kill off the entire human race, not selectively. The relevant part of the quote is the underachievement part. Yes, Hitler’s plan failed miserably. He thought by the end he’d be regarded as the greatest hero in the history of the world, not the biggest villain since Cesar Romero’s portrayal of The Joker. To take anything positive away from the atrocities he committed, it’s that if you put your mind to anything and want it bad enough, you may come pretty damn close as long as a fat British Prime Minister doesn’t get in your way.

Injustice Number Two:

Nuns still get their period, cramps, and other PMS issues.

I never thought I’d be discussing Hitler and nuns consequentially and not be referring to winning costumes at a Halloween bash. There’s a day for everything. I think the least a higher power could do is take away the menstrual cramps that a nun has. She’s pledged her life to be the bride of Christ and she still gets her monthly visitor? No wonder they’re so mean. Nuns can’t catch a break. They have to wear those big habits even when it’s hot out. Even mascots get to take a break every inning or so. There better be an afterlife or else they’ll have egg all over their faces.

Nuns also can get cancer, constipation, hit by buses, and every other horrible thing happen to them. They gain no immortality by pledging their allegiance to Jesus. I have to respect them for that. Mad props nuns, mad props.