Posts Tagged ‘mortal kombat’

We all do terrible things. I’m convinced that we were all made to be immortal but eventually we do something so bad that we earn death. Our entire lives we’re told what’s good and what’s bad. For the most part our moral codes are the same. We know stealing is wrong and eating carrots is good. But what if what’s being stolen is bread for a starving family and what if every time a carrot is eaten a terrorist gets his pilot wings? Those are just two lame excuses and justifications that people may try to make in order to do a bad thing.

 (Bruce “Scorpion” Diamond, a once fierce competitor in Immortal Kombat, was moved over to Mortal Kombat due to his excessive demanding tone for people to “get over here”)

I try to make as few excuses as possible. It’s hard on me because I really don’t want to do very much. If I really didn’t mind making excuses I would do it a thousand times more than I do already. Can’t go out today, my knees hurt. Sorry I’m late, I was busy trying to come up with a solution to the abortion problem. There’s that old phrase “more excuses than a pregnant nun.” At least a pregnant nun can always go with immaculate conception. As long as the baby doesn’t turn out Brazilian (I think we can all agree that God isn’t Brazilian) her boss would have to believe her. If he doesn’t believe her then it’s because he believes the impossibility of immaculate conception in the first place. Therefore he denies the story of Jesus’s birth. So if you’re a pregnant nun reading this, feel free to use my argument.

Excuses are mostly for children. They can get away with a lot because they have sweet faces. You can also get away with hitting a kid. The children are our future yet we’re allowed to smack them. Isn’t that really sealing your fate of having the plug pulled on you 5 minutes into a coma? What separates us from children is that adults try to justify their errors. They give a reasoning behind why they made a mistake. Children don’t think that far ahead. They go to bed before 9 and actually like waking up at 6. I think it takes getting 5 hours of sleep on a consistent basis before you learn to justify being a bad person.

I always like to hear people’s justifications for using drugs. They say that marijuana is “from the earth” and that it’s “natural.” Plutonium is from the earth. Smoke that. Admit it, you only smoke pot because you enjoy it. Something being natural doesn’t mean you should do it. I don’t see anything natural about turning a coke bottle into a bong. For that to happen you need plastics, the invention of soda, and large corporations to distribute that product. You’re such a hippie yet you don’t realize how much capitalism it takes for you to forget about how your homework stress. Shut up and admit you just want to be lazier than when you are sober.

 (If a picture of your bong involves product placement then face it, you’ve sold out)

The best is when we get caught doing something we know is wrong. When a cop pulls us over for speeding we try to give some bullshit story about how we didn’t notice how much fiber was in our breakfast and that we really need to get to a toilet/Burger King floor. At least that’s what I would do. But I’m a good boy and never speed. I wouldn’t know what to say other than roll over and present myself to the cop and let him rape me for trying to get somewhere quicker. It’s the same reason why I would never cheat on someone. Eventually I would get caught and my only justification I could make was that I wasn’t thinking clearly. Then how about I clean out my brain with a shotgun bullet if I feel so confused? I hate when people say they “weren’t thinking.” Of course you were thinking. You were thinking about your own needs and wants. Whore.

Why do people even need to make excuses or to justify their behavior? Because we judge one another. If nobody was there to judge then people would do what they want and be happy. That’s not a good thing. If we didn’t have judgmental folk like myself then everyone would be fat unfunny sexual predators. It’s up to us to remind lesser humans how lousy they are so they don’t go out and become worse than they already are. I know if I wasn’t afraid of being judged I would be a terrible person. I would rarely shave, always be naked, and insult everyone I could. Not that I don’t already insult a lot of people. I would hide less behind a computer screen when I do it though.

(In the past warriors had shields to protect them. In today’s world we have the ability to hide our IP addresses)

To sum it all up, do what you think is right. Believe in what you do and you won’t need to make an excuse. It seems like too many people try to explain why things are the way they are. They say they like Backstreet Boys better than N*Sync because they were around first. No. Stop. Just say you like them better. You’re still a little queen, but at least you’re being less dishonest. We’re too caught up in doing our best not to make mistakes. There’s no need to worry sweetie. Everyone makes mistakes. Admit to them and you can move on. Don’t say that it’s the way you “thought it was supposed to be done” or other lame things I use.

“Excuse me while I whip this out.” – a black sheriff making an excuse for pulling out his junk. No need to do so sir, we all know it’s because you want to brag.

“Do Unto Others As You Would Have Them Do Unto You”

That’s the Golden Rule. I remember first hearing it in elementary school. Back then they worded it differently because the Indian kid’s mom complained. I guess in modern times, when your God looks like Goro from Mortal Kombat, you have a lot to be upset about. He was always a tough opponent. That’s way they waited until the END OF THE GAME!!! to make you fight him.

(If you believe in a God with multiple arms I am sorry to offend you. Hey, my Christian God can only eat 2 cookies at a time. Yours can eat 4. You made the better wrong choice.)

“Treat People The Way You Want To Be Treated”

It’s more clear for children that way anyway. The word “unto” would have frustrated me as a kid. U’s were my most difficult letter to remember. I could remember W, but not a single U. U’s should be called “Double V’s.” I don’t know anybody that isn’t a serial killer that makes W’s without sharp bottoms on them. I don’t know who came up with the name. Probably some Greek queer. I’m surprised that same ass doesn’t call M’s “Upside Down Double U’s” and call Z’s “Sideway N’s.” No wonder their empire fell apart. Good riddens. What have you done for me lately?

(Julius right before being stabbed by his loyal friend Cassius Papa John)

I try to live my life with the Golden Rule intact. I do treat people the way I want to be treated, almost. The problem is, there are some people that I would like to come up behind me and grab my genitals. There are a lot of people like this. I’d say in the world, I could find one million human beings who I would like to take off their clothes and rub their asses against my leg. One million might be aiming low too. But that’s not the point. The point is, the golden rule is not legitimate.

What the golden rule should say is “Do Unto Others As You Would Have Them Do Unto You, Except Don’t Touch Anyone In The Process.” I would love to touch a lot of people and would love if they touched me back. But even with the golden rule in place, that is not going to happen. Who do I blame? Society! Jesus came down to this earth from his spaceship and gave us his wisdom. He said clearly for us to do to people what we would like them to do to us. There were no loopholes for him. He was clear in what he said, like the rest of the Bible is. And now, society tells me that I can’t go around doing unto hot chicks as I would like them to do unto me. I am not very happy.

How does a boy like me continue to live his life with the golden rule and still be accepted by society? I can’t. I have to instead treat people with respect and hope that they do the same to me. That’s all there is for me to do. I’m playing it all by ear. Shooting from the hip. Seeing that the grass is greener on the other side. And more unfitting clichés.

When I become in charge of the world, the golden rule will be very simple.

“Leave Me Alone And I Shall Leave Thy Alone Too”

Things always sound more reliable with words like shall and thy.