Posts Tagged ‘mr. peanut’

I have never worked in a grocery store. In fact, I have only ever had one taxable job. I’ve had friends who have worked in grocery stores and from what I’m told, I’m lucky to never have to put up with what they do. It’s rough and that’s why I’m always polite to the workers there. They don’t want to be there and I want to be back at home hiding under a blanket from the government. We have a silent pact.

That’s why it bothers me so much when people do not return their shopping carts to the proper shopping cart return receptacles. It goes back to that age-old Bible quote “If everybody throws a booger on the ground, then the ground will be covered with thy boogers.” If everybody doesn’t return their shopping cart to the proper location, then we got a parking lot full of carts and nowhere to park.

I always make sure to return my shopping cart. Maybe once or twice I didn’t when it was really inconvenient. Like I had to poop badly and taking one more step at that moment would cause me to stain my pants. Sorry for the vulgarity. I don’t mean to give you horrible images in your head. I’m trying to prove a point. There are very few instances when you shouldn’t return your shopping cart. Having to take a massive nutty shit is one of them.

(Imagine a 5’10 monocle wearing, cane swinging, tap dancing fruitcake like this coming out of your ass. That’s the only time you don’t have to return a shopping cart)

It seems too often that I’m trying to find a parking spot. I’m not picky, I don’t mind walking. There are times when I think I’ll be lucky and get a close spot. Then I’m surprised to see the spot is occupied by 1, 2, up to 5 carts at a time. An entire orgy of carts! Why should I be surprised? The same species that invented genocide, nuclear weapons, and the Snuggy are responsible for this. I shouldn’t expect anything less from us. It’s such a lazy act to not move your shopping cart another few feet. You inconvenience me, the cart boy, and those two people are important enough to warrant this being a bad thing to do. I don’t need to be inconvenienced because you spent an hour walking around the store pushing a cart and now that you’re done with it you happen to be too tired to put it where it belongs. That’s not right. Do I leave your daughters on the side of the road when I’m done with them. Maybe once, but she was kinda weird-looking. You let her go out with me in the first place. I didn’t think you’d care too much where I left her.

Like a driver’s license, using a shopping cart should be a privilege, not a right. There needs to be some sort of exam for people in order to use this. Something! Give the cart boy a dollar for collateral and as soon as you return the cart you get your buck back. That’s a little extreme, but people are so lazy that it might work.

The problem is, when shoppers at the grocery stores are lazy, the cart boys will in return be lazy to make your life a little bit worse. Oh and when I say cart boys, do not get offended that I say boys and not people. Most people who get the carts, male and female, are very masculine. You’re a boy. I’ve never seen a cart boy with a nice ass. Until I do, they’re cart boys, not cart people. Anyway, if you’re lazy then the cart boys will be lazy too. They’ll be so exhausted from having to do the extra work, that when they file their taxes they will do it incorrectly and then you’ll have extra work to do to resolve the problem. It’s something called Cause & Effect. Like if a butterfly flaps its wings in China, a man’s wig blows off in Kansas City, or something like that.

(The Butterfly Effect, Ashton Kutcher makes one good movie and we give him 12 more shots at it. He fails)

I have very little tolerance for laziness. Especially laziness that I always have the common courtesy to actually do. I know a lot of the carts are probably the elderly who are in too much pain to walk a little further so okay, you get a pass. Your carts are in the 50,000 handicap parking spots anyway. It doesn’t effect me. It only affects the pregnant woman trying to buy some baby formula. That’ll show that whore for getting knocked up.

My latest trip to WalMart had an occurrence where a man was very lazy with his shopping cart. It was WalMart so I guess he was the most normal person there besides me. He was in front of me as I was leaving and in the doorway he pulled his bag out of his shopping cart and left the cart in the doorway. Just sitting there in the way of everybody to walk by next. I know that he was thinking that he was doing a good thing, leaving the cart in the store, but it was in MY way. It was a little out of HIS way to return it to the correct place inside the store so he decided on an unhappy medium, leaving it in the middle of the exit. I don’t understand people whose minds work like this. They must be missing that consideration gene. We should all leave shopping carts in the middle of pathways once we’re done with them. It’ll make it more exciting getting back to our cars.

I feel like an old man complaining about shopping carts. I’ve been a regular LAUREN RANT N RAVE!!! Really, shopping carts are a metaphor for anything. The same people who don’t return their shopping carts are the same people who don’t tip at restaurants. They’re the same people who don’t use turn signals. The same lousy human beings who cut in line. I hate these people. The only ease for my mind, some day they’ll be dead.