Posts Tagged ‘musings’

Joey from Friends is on a show called Episodes. I have not watched it because I think the way Hollywood parades that mongoloid around in the public spotlight is heinous. Let the poor guy live a life as normal as he can!!!

matt-leblanc(Joey actually lasted 46 episodes which means there probably is no God)

I do not want to talk about his television show. I want to talk about other television shows. In particular my favorites from classic shows. These are inspired and include a few statuses I made on Facebook along with some originals.

My favorite episode of Magnum P.I. is when Magnum shaves his mustache for the summer. Everyone makes fun of him and he grows it back. Everyone else in the office tell him it was a good decision.

My favorite episode of The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air is the one where the LA Riots spill into Bel-Air and the Banks Family is held hostage for being, as the lead rioter calls them, “Uncle Toms.” Carlton did a lot of dancing in that episode and I like his dancing!

My favorite episode of The Walking Dead is the one where Carl has really bad diarrhea and they have to go out to find diarrhea medicine for him. On their way they have to kill one zombie and there isn’t much action, except in the prison toilet where Carl is bringing upon his own Apocalypse.

My favorite episode of Cheers is the one where the bar is closed for repairs and everyone stays at home watching television.

My favorite episode of Scooby-Doo Where Are You? is when they were going over their plan to trap a zombie pirate and Scooby Doo squatted down to take a big poop and it was really embarrassing for everyone and they made Shaggy pick it up.

My favorite episode Home Improvement is the one where Wilson tells the Taylor Family that the bottom of his face is missing. They don’t believe him and it turns out to not be true; he just has really bad anxiety. Tim uses money he made from Tool Time to send Wilson for counseling. Wilson ends up getting raped in the hospital by Brad because he’s rebellious.

My favorite episode of Everybody Loves Raymond is the one where the older brother hits his head on an airplane ceiling and then dies a few hours later. There was a lot of Billy Mays satire and I found it very timely.

My favorite episode of Parks and Recreation is the one where Leslie Knope realizes she met Ben too late in life and at over 40-years-old she can probably never have a family with him unless they adopt, but they can’t do it because Jerry screws up the paperwork. I liked that one.

My favorite episode of Lost is the flashback of Hurley. We find out that his weight is the reason why the plane crashed at the end which came as a huge shock to me. I was totally not expected them to go in that direction.

My favorite episode of Dexter is the one where he asks his sister for a half-day. Instead of going out to solve a murder though, Dexter catches up on some sleep.

My favorite episode of Seinfeld is the one where Dr. Timothy Whatley played by Bryan Cranston converts to Islam so he doesn’t have to have a sense of humor anymore. The B-story with Kramer on the double-date with the giant was good too.

My favorite episode of The Wire is when everyone has to stay late to finish up paperwork. This was sadly a real episode, but not my favorite.

Anyone else have a favorite episode?

I have nude photographs of myself. I have nude photographs of other people. Sometimes I know the people and sometimes I don’t. Sometimes they know me and sometimes they don’t because I drop it in their shopping cart then quickly run out of Shop Rite. What matters most is that people have seen me naked and I have seen them too.

The number of people who have seen me naked is pretty limited. The last one was a bug-eyed man taking a pee break next to me. I guess that doesn’t qualify as naked though, does it? Nudity is more than your genitals. Nudity also involves your shoulder, although in this instance I was dressed like Olivia Newton John with my shoulder strap down slightly.

physical1(So maybe her shoulder straps weren’t pulled down after all. I just can’t get over all of the fat men in diapers)

I am picky about who gets to see me naked. Not just any stranger gets the reward. Say for instance I want to go streaking. I will scream at people I do not want to see me naked to “turn around you’re making me uncomfortable, kid!”

I have seen other people naked too. I don’t like seeing boys naked. It’s like looking into a mirror or a paralel universe where I’m black and thicker in certain areas. Penises are great in their own right; capable of doing the job while still being as goofy as a Great Dane and coming in all shapes and sizes. Vaginas are more like Chinese people, all looking the same. I think I made that observation before because it sounds very familiar. Or maybe I have been horny and racist for longer than I thought.

As I type this I am not however horny. I am not naked either. I have a hat on I am unexposed. If someone where to walk in on me right now I would be like “Hey look I’m totally comfortable because only my hands and face are exposed, this isn’t enough nudity for me to feel insecure about although I do have dry skin on my face and hands so this is still not fun.” I would probably not say all of that, instead opting to just gasp then maybe take off my pants to scare them away.

kenny(This is how I look every day when I leave the house for my walk to work and then all day when I’m at work because there is no heat and my office is in a windowless closet. I made it!)

Nude photographs are a good present to give people even if they didn’t ask for it. The same way a cat will poop in your mouth while you are sleeping to let you know they love you, giving someone a nude photograph of yourself is a kind gesture. They don’t have to be fully nude either. My annual Christmas cards I mail out all have a stocking over my junk with the capture “Well, my stocking is stuffed!” In previous years I wore a Santa hat but this year I could not find it.

How many nude photographs of yourself do you own? How many of other people? Want to trade?

Oh and so I’m not disappointing you, here is a censored nude photograph of myself.

black-screen

Here’s a fake news story I wrote a while ago. If you want to read much more well-thought out fake news stories then I suggest going right here.

“Find Your Own Damn Seat Pregnant Lady!” Says New Study

A new study by the Department of Medicine Stuff says that pregnant women have been taking advantage of an old out of date theory that they require special treatment. As it turns out, the study proves that pregnant women need to do things for their own damn selves.

Brock Taylor, Director of the Department of Medicine Stuff, says that pregnant women benefit more by being more independent and not asking others to give up their seats for them on public transportation.

“Pregnant women who choose to stand are far less likely to be pains in the ass,” says Brock Taylor who requested we refer to him by both his first and last name at all times.

“It had long been believed that the extra weight they carried was hurting their legs. Not true. This helps build strength and furthermore reminds them not to get knocked up.”

David Killbaby from the Population Control Agency (PCA) says that he hopes this new information can help do his job better for him.

“I joined a government agency because I was too dumb to be a janitor,” said Killbaby. “I hate my job and I’m hoping if more pregnant women suffer they will be less likely to have kids again in the future. Less kids means less work for me to do.”

Killbaby is not worried about losing his job either as he is a government employee and the son of a politician.

“If they tried to take away my job it would surely end in bloodshed,” said Killbaby.

Additional findings in the study say that pregnant women might be best at eating less while carrying. Studies suggest overeating during pregnancy makes a baby crave food once it’s out which could be why there are so many fat kids these days.

Brock Taylor and his team are working hard to get this information to the public. An interview has been scheduled on a local cable access channel in North Dakota as well as an appearance on Brock Taylor’s brother’s podcast, One Hour with Lenny Taylor.

“It’s important for each individual to take a stand against these pregnant ladies,” said Brock Taylor. “For too long I have been forced to stand on the train and smile at them when they pass by. They also get premium parking too. Our hope is this will finally make things even again, just how our Communist forefathers intended.”

pregnant_doll_2_small

Facebook has this feature called “People You May Know” where people we know and have no intention on saving from a fire pop up in the corner with their shit-eating grins along with how many mutual friends we have with them. Someone I really don’t like came up on my screen recently. I thought I’d tell you why his personality sucks and why his profile picture proved to me and anyone who sees it how he should be dismembered.

The dickhole was a real dickhole to me in school. He would often tease me for being fat even though he was fat. This actually doesn’t narrow down which bully this was as I had more than one fat bully who made fun of my weight. What happened to brotherhood or going halves on a pizza pie?

fat girls(They are getting way too much pleasure out of giving themselves diabetes)

While I suffered no serious traumatic events from his sweaty chocolate stained hands, I still do resent the fact he was allowed to live while good people like Hitler had to blow their brains out in a shelter. Sorry to say Hitler was a better person than this douche, but in my life that is the case.

Onto the three problems with his profile picture:

Problem 1 – Shirtless

The guy was shirtless in his profile picture. Since he is still fat, we could only see his shoulders. He probably does a lot of military presses and likes how they look. We can’t see the rest of him though because you know, fat. He knows he’s fat. That’s why he made fun of me for being fat. Why take a shirtless pic and only show your top fraction? This isn’t a Girls Gone Wild commercial where you have to hide the nipple.

Problem 2 – Backwards Hat

The only time a hat should be on backwards is if you get punched in the face or you are so shocked it causes it to spin that way. And in the first instance, you should be punched again for wearing a backwards hat. Wearing your hat backwards defeats the purposes of a hat, right? A hat is not meant to make you look like a cool guy. Flashing money and driving loud cars is what makes you cool. Turn your hat around the proper way or remove it. I hope he’s balding.

Problem 3 – It was a selfie

And to top it all off, he took the picture himself. The phone is visible and it was flashed off from a mirror…

This guy is the same species as me! He has a degree from the same high school. He was given the same education. His resume is similar to mine. Luckily I think I saw another picture of his of him standing near a quarry working so he will probably die on the job when a faulty machine drops a heavy stone on him. Hopefully he doesn’t just end up paralyzed because he’d probably get a huge settlement. Or if he does end up paralyzed I hope it’s a miserable life full of erectile dysfunction.

Okay if this seems cruel keep in mind he was mean to me. Also consider he has a non-ironic picture of him shirtless with a backwards hat standing in front of a mirror. Fuck people like that.

justin bieber(See the kind of people who do this? Wait this isn’t a selfie)

justin bieber2(Okay so Justin Bieber has no selfies of him shirtless with a backwards had. All other combinations do exist though. Ergo, the guy I know is a bigger douche than Justin Bieber)

Today I received confirmation that I absolutely suck. The confirmation came in the form of Internet comments from complete strangers–the people whose opinion matters most to me.

Here are a few of the comments:

“The person who wrote this should have been aborted instead of being allowed to live.”

“Whoever wrote this has a small dick.”

“Really? They let this crap on the Internet? There’s no substance!”

Those were just three comments taken from a place where I received a lot of insults about something I worked hard at for a brief amount of time. They were from my dad, my girlfriend, and Perez Hilton respectively.

Where was this place I was publicly trashed? It was on Yahoo. No not that lousy Yahoo Voices place where everybody can write. This came from an actual Yahoo Sports article I wrote. Last night I finally figured out how to apply to be an official Yahoo Sports beat writer. I put together and article and submitted it. Today while taking a piss I checked my email and saw I had been accepted. I am now officially one of those people who has random people on the Internet comment how I should hang myself.

The article can be found right here in this really long link. I will be writing about my favorite baseball team, the Philadelphia Phillies. I’m always determined to never read comments because they will make me feel like shit. I mostly find it strange that when I try to write something very PC with little controversy I get shit on. This is why people say mean things, other people say mean things to them first.

I will not let someone telling me I’m worse than the Phillies outfield get me down. The guy who said I wrote this with a dick in my hand will not make me cry. I am happy to get some confirmation from Yahoo Sports that I do not suck, even if the public disagrees.

2014-image2

These are my goals for 2014. There are many like them but these goals are mine.

-Earn enough money from writing where I have to pay taxes on my earnings. Or at least combined from different sources. I would really rather not pay taxes on anything at all. I think the total is $600 when you have to pay taxes. I made a little under $200 in 2013, most of it in the latter half. I will not count any money I make from writing time I put in at work since I get an hourly wage to sit there and write fake news stories about dogs.

-Not have any new daily body pains show up. I can’t believe I’ve managed to go as long as I have with daily pain somewhere on my body. What’s the age where people start complaining about it? I know this is normal. I just want to know when I’ll be obnoxious and remind everyone constantly.

-Make one friend. I made two of them in 2013. One shouldn’t be too hard.

-Destroy that one new friend’s soul. Why get something new if you cannot crush it?

-Make a whole lot of money. I’m not going to set a total amount. I already am making more at my job after 5 months than I did at my old job I was at for 8 years. The company currently employs 6 people so if one person dies I probably get a big portion of their unused cash. The one guy eats candy every day for breakfast and lunch so he’ll probably croak soon.

-Continue to become more responsible. Believe it or not, I am very responsible. Never once have I left the stove on when I left the apartment (no one ever taught me how to turn it on), I rarely get my lip stuck in my coat zipper (I broke the zipper off on the first day), and my criminal record is on a clean slate (I love the word expunged!). Not to brag or anything, but I’m a real adult.

-Travel more. I already have plans to visit the post office again. It’s a mile walk away.

-Learn a new skill. I’ve always wondered if I could survive a cannonball shot to my stomach.

-Clean my bellybutton more often. I actually clean it every day. Somehow though I think if we played a game called “In My Bellybutton or On the Ground?” I would stump you 50% of the time.

Do you have any goals for 2014? I’m sure if you have one it’s still better than my half-assed ones.

The Nazis have a reputation for being bad people. Most of the blame can be placed on the Indiana Jones movies and fact. There is one Nazi in particular who managed to rise above the rest and have his name known more than any others. That man was so powerful he only goes by his last name, Hitler.

hitler_1881083c(I actually made this meme and sent it to a girl. Mostly embarrassed that I made a meme)

I remember in school whenever we learned about the Nazis the teachers would make a list of factors and whether or not you would be killed during the Holocaust. This was not very effective since the majority of my school were Irish and Italians. In my reading class there was one mulatto we determined would have been killed and nobody really liked him any way so the Nazis seemed like a fly stuck in a light; only a minor inconvenience.

Not researching much into Hitler’s personality and basing it more off water cooler conversations I have had on the job, I see how I could easily be mistaken for a Nazi. I have several things in common with Hitler.

1) We both love animals. Hitler was a vegetarian or a vegan. I’m not sure. If you have ever had vegan ice cream you will know only the most evil person in the world could have enjoyed it. I eat meat daily and feel sick if I do not. That still doesn’t change the fact I enjoy animals and so did Hitler. Looks like we have a conversation starter all ready to go.

2) We both idolized a movie character so much we changed our image to reflect them. Hitler was a big Charlie Chaplin fan and stole his mustache. I was such a big fan of Taxi Driver that I got a mohawk like Robert DeNiro. Only a truly insane person would ever do this and I will not argue in favor of either of us being sane enough to function in the real world.

3) We both hate juice. Hitler reportedly killed 6 million juice. I’m not sure if this was measured in liters or by the carton. I’m not even sure why it’s referred to him killing the juice as juice never was alive. I’m not a fan of juice either as most are high carbohydrates and sugary. I’ll drink the juice sometimes, but like Hitler, I prefer white beverages like milk with my breakfast.

4) We both were denied access into art school. Hitler always wanted to be a painter. He sent his work in and they turned him down which eventually led to him becoming the most evil dictator in the world. I never bothered trying to get into an art school. It just sounds interesting. Think of all of the needy girls willing to strip just to be told they are unique and artistic. I could have scored so much. I was denied the access though because I didn’t have the skills or desire.

5) We both have orgasms when we give speeches. I remember hearing from a kid in 5th grade that Hitler had one of his testicles removed because he would get so excited during his speeches he would orgasm. I never had my testicles removed so I still have orgasms whenever I give speeches. I’m just a passionate person. Don’t make fun.

Do you have anything in common with an evil person?

evil person

Fantasy baseball is long over and fantasy football will soon join. How will competitive gambling addict deniers continue to get their fix of betting? I have developed an easy game.

The game is Fantasy Falls. You don’t have to know anything about sports to play either. The way it works is you select the total points based on the point system I have created. At the end of the winter whoever is closest wins absolutely nothing because this is not a real game. Oh and I should mention the game centers around how many times I will fall in public this winter while slipping on ice.

Ice-slip-drink

Not even winter, I have already slipped on ice once. I nearly did it again today only feet from my front door. Since I no longer have a car and do walk a lot, there chances of me falling are frequent.

Here is how the point system works out:

1 Point for falling on the way to work

1 Point for falling on the way home from work

1 Point for falling while on the New York side of my commute (less likely so you get a bonus)

1 Point for each body park that touches the ground when I fall

3 Points for every damaged item from the fall

3 Points if someone says something to me

5 Points if medical attention is needed

10 Points if serious medical attention is needed

For my first fall it was on my way to work (1 Point) and my right hand and right knee hit the ground (2 Points). I did drop my umbrella, but no damage was done. No medical attention was needed and there was nothing damaged, including my pants. Nobody said anything either because people are mean and don’t speak good English. So far the total is 3 Points.

Where will it end?

snow(A scene from my walk home today. Nearly fell on my first step outside the building at work)

As promised to the 0 people who were anticipating the follow-up, here is the list of things I have kicked ass at this past year.

A Cool Job:

I have a 9-5 job and it’s actually cool. I make *enough* money and I’m pretty much the as the Spanish would call it, grande queso. I had no experience going into the job other than not lying on my resume like the other people who applied. Now I get to play with dogs and get yelled at for not posting enough on Facebook. I even am getting to write my own “The Onion” style newspaper for work and asked my boss if I can do video editing, which I will get paid overtime for. So basically when I’m not blogging here it’s because I’m getting paid to do similar things elsewhere. The coolest thing is that I used to get in trouble for doing the same things I get paid to do now. Okay I’m beginning to brag. But really my job is pretty cool and I’m very lucky.

cool job(I take it back. My job isn’t this therefore it sucks)

I Haven’t Gotten Too Fat:

I really have no clue what shape I am in compared to last year. I think I’m in less good of shape because we have pizza too much at work. Here I am talking about work like it’s all I do. I do other things too like leave work and go there. I’m in a state where I can either have nice legs and arms with a disgusting excuse for a midsection or look hungry all of the time. That’s just the way my body works. But I haven’t gotten too fat, I know that much. Success!

cartoon_chef_4b(When I look in the mirror this is what I see minus the badass hat)

I Made 2 Friends:

This is going to sad real sad so it makes up for the me bragging earlier. I made 2 friends this year. Not only that, I haven’t made a single friend in the last 5 years. Well, I have. I just didn’t keep any for very long. I think I tend to wear on people or kill them. Who knows? I made a few other friends this year and none lasted. The two friends I did make were via Craigslist and both would be in my Top 8 on MySpace.

top8(I’d probably bump Alan and C-Dawg for them. Neither wished me a happy birthday)

I Really Don’t Care About Stupid Things Anymore:

Okay I’m lying. I do care about stupid things a lot. Fortunately I care about them slightly less. Like so what if someone doesn’t find me pretty? It’s their loss! Right? Maybe not. I guess what I should really say here is while I still question a lot I am very sure of myself. I know my opinion matters and is valuable. I know–not much else. That’s all that matters though, that I know one thing.

Grand Opening Of Kardashian Khaos At The Mirage Hotel & Casino(Here are some stupid things I never once cared about)

I Am Making Money Writing:

Aside from coming up with clever and cute things to say on Facebook, I get paid for writing my Yahoo articles. I was even honored as one of the top contributors. Top 500 contributors. I wanted to leave out the 500 because that makes it seem like any jackass can win it. Still, it’s cool to finally earn a few bucks from writing about sometimes things I want to write about.

No Picture Just Click on the Link

I’m Generally Happy:

As I type this alone in a dark bedroom with a Band-Aid on my thumb sitting on the bed because I have no couch, icing my knee and ankle due to constant pain, starving myself because I may have gotten too fat, listening to a baby cry outside on a Sunday night before work, it’s hard for me to be too depressed. I mean I really would rather not go to work tomorrow and all. Sleeping in and relaxing tomorrow sounds so much better. I can complain, but I shouldn’t. I have a pretty good idea where I am going in life and it’s not the worst place. I’m not stagnant and sometimes that’s all we can hope for. Awww. That was kind of sweet in an insulting way to anyone reading this in a stagnant place in life.

Married-couple(Stagnant people where life has become predictable)

Unsuccess is not a word. I chose it though because using failure is demeaning and too accurate to my 2013 year. You can’t spell the made up word unsuccess without success. It’s being a little more positive. For instance, I believe the glass is always half empty. The glass is half empty because it started out that way and the end result is an empty glass always. Glass half full means more will be added and even if this were the case eventually the glass would overflow with root beer and that’s the semen of colas. I think it’s because how sticky it is.

root beer(Not sure how a liquid qualifies as food. Oh wait, it’s American. That’s why)

Anyway, I want to do a brief review of everything I have unsuccessed at this past year. Yes, I know I should probably say “been unsuccessful at” but I’ve already explained, there’s nothing full or ful about bad news.

Writing Failures:

I entered a lot of contests this year. It’s odd too because New Year’s Eve I got my first professional review and it was pretty good. I thought this was the year my dreams would come true. Not so fast. I’m a white male living in the worst time period to be a white male. I didn’t bother entering another contest because they look for diverse people and last year I lied and said I was Jewish and had a speech impediment to sound diverse. I had two scripts entered into one contest, neither of which received any awards despite one being absolutely terrific. I failed again with another script for the third year in a row in this contest. I’ve submitted something different every year too. I also stayed within the required page range. What am I doing wrong? And this is the same network that brought us The New Girl I’m entering to.

ng_30_bath_group_1_2813_R2.jpg(Their living situation is complicated and they are diverse. So funny)

Other Creative Failures:

Remember when I thought for sure I would be on the radio? Yeah that was silly of me. I’m not sure the guy who won actually got anything out of it. He was probably like me and lied about where he lived and they found out. The worst thing was I failed twice at this. It sucks to fail once. Failing twice is even harder. I can’t even give the “this has never happened before” excuse because it has happened, and twice right there in front of everybody. That really broke my heart because I thought I put on a bigger effort than some of the other douches. And yes they are douches, mostly because they got something I did not.

tim and carter final image(July-Good luck everyone! December-Fuck you all)

Girl Failures:

How quiickly can I sum up my failures with the 3 billion of these things on the planet? The first one I remember failing with was because she took my joke that we should get married too serious I suppose and stopped talking. Another one accused me of biting her, which was total bullshit because she said she would have sex with me if she didn’t like me. What’s a boy to think? The biggest failure was the one who I liked so much I made her last name a password of mine. We got along great and then suddenly she began ignoring me until finally she deleted me from Facebook. So basically I can never say I hope another human being doesn’t get cancer.

Hitler in Paris(The last girl was a big Francophile so I’m dedicating this picture to her)

Other Writing Failures:

Before I discovered Yahoo, oh wonderful Yahoo and your willingness to accept anything, I tried submitting to College Humor and another website, McSweeney’s or something like that. I don’t know. Nobody reads it. Everything I submitted to both websites were rejected. I submitted a lot too. A daily routine of mine was writing as much for them all morning long until my afternoon jazzercise program. Eventually I gave up because as you can see above, I was getting a little too comfortable with the fail.

Cho Seung-Hui(Probably the only college student who would appreciate my humor)

Life in General:

Life itself is a fail for me. The worst thing about it is that all of these failures have made me a bad person. I’m not even trying to get people to say “Oh stop! You’re such a sweetie pie.” Not that I would stop you. I find myself through all of these failures becoming bitterer and spiteful which in the end makes me manipulative and unsympathetic. It’s really hard to get me to feel bad for anyone, although I would pretend to do it if I could get something in return. So basically my failings have turned me into a monster. This will turn out well for no one.

tongue(I actually like how the tongue is a good progression of a person. You start off sweet, become a little salty, then turn sour, and finally end up bitter)

What have you failed at this year?

I will also do a follow-up to this with my 2013 successes just so you know I’m not a whiny bitch, which I am but I am trying to manipulate you into thinking I am not.