Posts Tagged ‘natalie wood’

I have been trying to come up with the three funniest moments list for a while now and I finally have done it! Making a list of the funniest thing I have ever done or said is easy. I mean, is there anyone on earth funnier than me? Remember, astronaut and funny man Pavel Vinogradov is currently residing on the space station so I have one less competitor. This brief list I have made are funny things other people have said on purpose that always make me laugh.

vinogradov_pavel(I swear he’s funny)

At one of my birthday parties I had the option to have the mascot show up or not. I love mascots. This mascot was a seal in a sailor seat named Sammy. The party was being held at some place with ball pits and other things strangers can throw snakes into. Time for cake arrived and then it was the presents. While opening presents, Sammy entered. My face lit up with delight. I was meeting a hero.

It took only a few seconds for the room filled with mostly 9-10 year old boys to turn on Sammy. They began to boo. I think someone even threw something at him. I felt terrible so I got up and ran to him then gave him a hug. I know now I was probably hugging some 15 year old guy with a shitty job, but back then it meant more. The adults gave a collective “Aww.” The few females and possibly a gay male ran up to Sammy too. In the midst of it all, my friend Little Danny said one of the funniest things ever–

“Throw Sammy overboard!” shouted Little Danny. At the time I’m not sure what I thought about his demand. Now though it is hilarious. The kid was so clever with his wording. A simpler kid would have said “Kill Sammy!” but Little Danny stuck with the situation. For something like that to come out of such a young child’s mouth, it’s a shame the last time I ever saw him was at the movie theater during Snakes on a Plane.

natalie wood(She might not be Sammy, but I doubt Little Danny would have any problem with Natalie Wood getting thrown overboard)

The next funniest quote comes from my mom. We were watching the news one evening when a story came on about some high school kid who died. Reporters interviewed friends, teachers, and then they got to an interview with the principal. Everything was incredibly sad and they really made the kid seem like a saint. Then the principal spoke–

“He [the dead kid] had so many hopes and dreams. He wanted to be a professional skateboarder. Skateboarding was that kid’s life.”

My mom literally stood up after hearing that and as she walked away she cackled then said, “A professional skateboarder? What a loss.”

She said it so sarcastically and so mean-spirited. Here these people were crying and my mom was the only one to have enough sense to point out this kid would contribute nothing to society, nor did he ever plan to. Brutal honesty can hurt as much as it can make me laugh.

 rowan-skateboard-fail-british-museum-1(The kid didn’t die while skateboarding so this is like a picture that just confuses the readers)

The final funny quote is the simplest. I went with three friends to a haunted hayride extravaganza. Do they have haunted hayrides all over the country? For some reason I always got a sense it was a New Jersey/Pennsylvania thing. Basically they’re like haunted houses but you ride tractors and teenagers in masks will hop on it and scare you. This particular extravaganza had a bunch of different places to walk and ride through. Ugh I’m making this boring.

As we walked toward the entrance a kid around 12 walked to us. We were 17 at the time so we probably looked pretty damn cool.

“The haunted hayride is really scary,” said the 12-year-old.

Then came my friend’s perfectly delivered, no-nonsense, don’t give a shit quote–

“Fuck you kid.”

Three simple words. The kid had no clue it was coming either. All he did was tell us to expect to get our money’s worth and my shithead friend had to be incredibly nasty for no reason at all. The young kid stopped and went pale. Joy left his face completely. I laughed wildly. It was too perfect and unnecessary. The kid probably never again spoke to a stranger.

Hayride_-Victims(2,098,006 bonus points if you can tell me what I wanted the caption to this to be about, but then realized this is probably a school trip and it’s not weird for a random black kid to be with all of these boring white people)

Violence, unsympathetic quips, and unnecessary insults are what make up the funniest quotes I have heard people say on purpose. What about you? What is something someone else has said that always makes you laugh?

There’s a new song that I hear on the radio a lot. For those who don’t know, radio is television but no image. Blind people can enjoy it. They can enjoy television too. Deaf people can’t enjoy the radio at all though. Unless they get their kicks breaking electronic devices. Fuck. I used the magic word.

The song I’m referring to is Pumped Up Kicks by the band You’re Dumb if You Like This Song. I don’t like this song. Because of that, I now see how much I hate the word kicks. Everything about kicks. Because of that one lousy song with its robotic voices. I hate songs with robotic voices. Unless sung by an actual robot.

First off, the song refers to kicks, calling shoes by that name. I don’t know anybody who does that. I was on the subway recently and a college aged guy said to his friend “Are those new kicks?” The guy sat sideways, letting me know that he was tough. Tough guys always sit sideways. They walk sideways too. It’s what separates us tough guys from pussies like you. To ask his friend if they were new shoes was no more difficult than calling them kicks. In fact, shoes is just as many letters. It’s also easier on the tongue to say. More stress on the lips, but thanks to evolution, are lips are strong enough to handle “sh” words. I was in a city and this guy may have possibly been Jewish. They love their K’s and if this is the case, I cannot make fun. That’s racist to make fun of people who are different from you. Even if they are living up to a stereotype.

The verb of kick is the action of using your leg to punch someone. That’s what a kick basically is. A leg punch. Kicks are much less effective than punches. You’re off balance. Have you ever tried making a fist with your foot? According to the businessman in Die Hard, after getting off a plane you should make your toes into fists then walk around. So making your feet into fists is for people who are afraid of flying. Who is afraid of flying? Wimps! Not to mention, but I will, usually when you’re kicking someone, it means you’re already on the ground. Never go for a kick while you’re both standing. All your opponent needs to do is grab your leg, spin you around, then hit you in the back of the head with a flying dragon knee. Kicking is the last defense. It’s for losers. Real men get punches in. Have you ever heard of a famous kick boxer? Of course not. They’re guys who like poking other men in the shins with their toes. It’s a mean thing to do. Shins are terribly weak bones. That’s why even soccer players, the most masculine of athletes, have to wear guards on their shins.

That reminds me, soccer players kick a lot. Soccer is a KICKING SPORT!!! That’s all they do. Run and kick. Kick and run. Wear shorts and question your sexuality. At a certain age, you have to realize that soccer is a lousy sport. I know it’s big all over the rest of the world, but I can’t take a man in shorts seriously. Not as bad as cricket where they wear sweaters, but still pretty bad. Soccer players are another thing to hate about kicks. Especially that fact that there used to be an indoor soccer team called the KIXX in Philadelphia. What’s wrong, C’s and K’s too expensive? And then that reminds me of the cereal.

I haven’t eaten KIXX cereal in years. I’m not even sure if it still exists. It was always kind of plain. My sister liked it. She also liked cheeseburgers from McDonalds without the meat. Not the most reliable source for a food palette. I always thought the cereal was missing something. It wasn’t very sugary. The pieces were round and a soft fool’s gold color. Children’s cereal is never good unless marshmallows, chocolate, or another dangerously unnecessary item is placed inside. KIXX was also one of many cereals that when I would eat it, I would get acid reflux. Yes, as a boy Lucky Charms would make me throw up into my own throat. I don’t know what it was. Maybe the idea of eating horseshoes didn’t sit well with me.

Kicking must be cool sometimes. You can kickback and relax. But then nothing ever gets done. Damn. Kicks really do suck. I don’t even need a bad song to make me believe that. I’ve never had a good experience with a kick. It could have something to do with me having poor balance, but I don’t think I want kicks as a part of my life.

My advice to you. Do not call shoes kicks. That’s just stupid. It’s not hip. It suggests violence. You’re almost ordering the wearer of the shoes to kick someone. Do you know who that someone should be? It should be you. The person with the nerve to call shoes by their improper name, kicks. Maybe I should be kicked. I feel like I’ve used way too many commas in this post. 26 by my count. One for every letter in the alphabet. Two for every tooth in the mouth of people who overuse the word kick.