Posts Tagged ‘nazi’

The Nazis have a reputation for being bad people. Most of the blame can be placed on the Indiana Jones movies and fact. There is one Nazi in particular who managed to rise above the rest and have his name known more than any others. That man was so powerful he only goes by his last name, Hitler.

hitler_1881083c(I actually made this meme and sent it to a girl. Mostly embarrassed that I made a meme)

I remember in school whenever we learned about the Nazis the teachers would make a list of factors and whether or not you would be killed during the Holocaust. This was not very effective since the majority of my school were Irish and Italians. In my reading class there was one mulatto we determined would have been killed and nobody really liked him any way so the Nazis seemed like a fly stuck in a light; only a minor inconvenience.

Not researching much into Hitler’s personality and basing it more off water cooler conversations I have had on the job, I see how I could easily be mistaken for a Nazi. I have several things in common with Hitler.

1) We both love animals. Hitler was a vegetarian or a vegan. I’m not sure. If you have ever had vegan ice cream you will know only the most evil person in the world could have enjoyed it. I eat meat daily and feel sick if I do not. That still doesn’t change the fact I enjoy animals and so did Hitler. Looks like we have a conversation starter all ready to go.

2) We both idolized a movie character so much we changed our image to reflect them. Hitler was a big Charlie Chaplin fan and stole his mustache. I was such a big fan of Taxi Driver that I got a mohawk like Robert DeNiro. Only a truly insane person would ever do this and I will not argue in favor of either of us being sane enough to function in the real world.

3) We both hate juice. Hitler reportedly killed 6 million juice. I’m not sure if this was measured in liters or by the carton. I’m not even sure why it’s referred to him killing the juice as juice never was alive. I’m not a fan of juice either as most are high carbohydrates and sugary. I’ll drink the juice sometimes, but like Hitler, I prefer white beverages like milk with my breakfast.

4) We both were denied access into art school. Hitler always wanted to be a painter. He sent his work in and they turned him down which eventually led to him becoming the most evil dictator in the world. I never bothered trying to get into an art school. It just sounds interesting. Think of all of the needy girls willing to strip just to be told they are unique and artistic. I could have scored so much. I was denied the access though because I didn’t have the skills or desire.

5) We both have orgasms when we give speeches. I remember hearing from a kid in 5th grade that Hitler had one of his testicles removed because he would get so excited during his speeches he would orgasm. I never had my testicles removed so I still have orgasms whenever I give speeches. I’m just a passionate person. Don’t make fun.

Do you have anything in common with an evil person?

evil person

It’s Holiday Season. Do you know what that means? If the title didn’t already give it away, it’s Hess Truck season. Hooray! The greatest toy ever. A truck that delivers gasoline. Truly a collectible that will be worth thousands in the future.

(Here’s to hoping as soon as that jet takes off it burns up the truck with its fuel then crashes itself into a Hess Truck factory)

I remember when I was a younger and less hairy boy. Every December meant that the television would be flooded with commercials for the latest edition of the Hess Truck. For those of you not familiar with what Hess might be, it’s a gas station. That’s it. You go there and fill up your car with petroleum. I don’t fill up my car. I live in New Jersey and we have Arabs who do it for us. They usually call me “buddy” or “boss” which makes me feel important. That must be such a foreign idea to you reading this. I have never had to pump my own fuel. It’s only like this in New Jersey and our sister state on the other side of the country Oregon. I’m not sure why it is this way but I like it. Still, why do all girls from New Jersey smell like gas? You chicks in Idaho have an excuse for smelling awful.

The worst thing about these Hess Truck advertisements is that they really hype it up like kids want these toys. No! No kid wants a Hess Truck. Kids want footballs and wooden horses that rock. Not a truck that delivers Texas Tea (shouldn’t it be called Saudi Arabian Tea now?). Someone gave me a Hess Truck years ago. I think I still have it. I bought into the myth that other people would buy it from me for thousands of dollars years later. I couldn’t have been more wrong.

For a while there was a Hess Truck that had a spaceship attached to it. With everybody “going green” they had to ban that vehicle. Spaceships take a lot of gasoline to move. I don’t know the exact number because science upsets my brain, but I’d imagine it’s somewhere in the bazillions. It sends a mixed message too having a rocket ship attached to a truck. It makes children think that this is normal. Reality check, it isn’t. I don’t know who Hess thinks they’re fooling. Not me.

Being a semi-expert of Nazi Germany, I am reminded of the fact that one of Adolf Hitler’s top officials was named Rudolph Hess. Do Hess Trucks promote Nazism? I say of course.

When you go out Christmas shopping this year, be sure to skip over getting a Hess Truck for someone who isn’t your enemy. It’s a bad gift. A toy fire engine, police car, or ice truck are much more fun for a boy on Christmas morning. Don’t buy into the hype. For Christmas this year, make sure the Hess Truck is nowhere near.

Injustices

Posted: September 28, 2011 in September 2011
Tags: , , , , , ,

There is no justice on the planet earth. No court, no God, no government can control the injustices that happen in this world. There are two grave injustices that I want to focus on today. There are lots, like starving children and soft toilet paper being expensive. They are not topics for today, perhaps tomorrow. When you think about it though, those two injustices never go together. If you’re hungry you don’t shit. If you have rough toilet paper, at least you’re eating. Nobody can ever complain about them both.

Injustice Number One:

Hitler achieved more in his lifetime than I, you, or anyone any of us know ever will. He had more money and power despite being evil.

Say you what you want about the NAZI bastard, he got shit done. A lot of people I know like to try to put a positive spin on things. They say that everything happens for a reason. That being the case, then why the Holocaust? Why did so many have to die in concentration camps and in war because one man had an ideology of what the perfect human being was? Well, I guess I’ll try to put something positive that may come out of it. Work ethic. Looking at Hitler, he had such a great work ethic. He was born a poor Austrian boy (still some debate on the boy part) and rose up from the ashes to live his dreams of massacring millions. It’s the American dream, except instead of making 6 million dollars a year playing baseball, that’s how many people he killed.

Like any dictator or bad boy rocker, Hitler had a soft side. He was a vegetarian and an avid animal lover. So the next time PETA asks you for donations, don’t give them any. They could be the next evil doer. I’m sure there are a lot more funny things about Hitler, but not much is known. There was a rumor I once heard that he had one of his testicles removed because during his passionate speeches he would ejaculate into his snazzy NAZI trousers. Imagine that. Someone that loves themselves so much that hearing themselves talk about what they loved would make them cum. Evil man. Passionate about his beliefs. Another thing a lot of people don’t have, passion. How many people do you know that sleep away their dreams and don’t get out of bed until they have to? Complain about their problems and do nothing to solve them? They’re good people, yes, but lazy motherfuckers. There are people who do and people who sit around eating potato chips all day watching sports. Hitler never ate a potato chip in his life. He nearly dominated the entire world. We’d admire him if instead of killing others he was out planting trees. Christ, where did his parents go wrong?

Cult comedian Bill Hicks put it best when he said “Hitler had the right idea, he was just an underachiever.” He went on to proclaim that Hitler should kill off the entire human race, not selectively. The relevant part of the quote is the underachievement part. Yes, Hitler’s plan failed miserably. He thought by the end he’d be regarded as the greatest hero in the history of the world, not the biggest villain since Cesar Romero’s portrayal of The Joker. To take anything positive away from the atrocities he committed, it’s that if you put your mind to anything and want it bad enough, you may come pretty damn close as long as a fat British Prime Minister doesn’t get in your way.

Injustice Number Two:

Nuns still get their period, cramps, and other PMS issues.

I never thought I’d be discussing Hitler and nuns consequentially and not be referring to winning costumes at a Halloween bash. There’s a day for everything. I think the least a higher power could do is take away the menstrual cramps that a nun has. She’s pledged her life to be the bride of Christ and she still gets her monthly visitor? No wonder they’re so mean. Nuns can’t catch a break. They have to wear those big habits even when it’s hot out. Even mascots get to take a break every inning or so. There better be an afterlife or else they’ll have egg all over their faces.

Nuns also can get cancer, constipation, hit by buses, and every other horrible thing happen to them. They gain no immortality by pledging their allegiance to Jesus. I have to respect them for that. Mad props nuns, mad props.