Posts Tagged ‘nazis’

I am not a violent person. I’ve never really been in a fight outside of recess and those always ended with someone crying because they got dirt on their sweat pants or landed on their favorite Pokemon card. Despite my non-violent ways I used to feel the need to carry weapons on me when I was an older teenager. For probably two years or so I always had at least one knife hidden in my pocket. Was I paranoid? No. Not at all. I thought I was a badass to carry around illegal concealed weapons. Today I brag about all of the cool street fighting weapons I have owned as well as tossing around some advice on how to use them for a quick kill.

Swiss Army Knives: Don’t worry, they get more violent than this. I’ve always had at least one Swiss Army knife to my name at all times. Right now as I type this I see two of them. Swiss Army knives aren’t very useful to me because I don’t drink and never have to cut bomb wires. The only way you could ever kill someone with a Swiss Army knife would be to get them a shot to the eye. A nice corkscrew to a pupil will do a lot of damage. Of course, you could also attack the anus, man’s most vulnerable spot. The anus is always a kill shot as we learned in Ben Hur or Spartacus (what’s the difference?).

(You know an army is lame when they have their own fragrance)

“Real” Army Knife: I call this my Army knife because it has an eagle on it. This was the first knife I had where you could probably actually kill someone with a gut shot. The eagle image has since faded but it had a lot of good times. This is also the only knife I have that ever drew blood. I would like to say it did not happen when I was trying to scare a friend and I cut my own finger with it but that would be a lie. The best place to use this to kill someone would be anywhere on the face. The anus would work well too.

Throwing Knives: Not only do I own three throwing knives of all different shapes, I also have a body straps they can be placed in and a knife throwing board. I haven’t used the board in years because if you miss then you end up with a knife wound in your wall. I only remember strapped the knives to my ankles once and it was while driving through the New Jersey Pine Barrens expecting to find the Jersey Devil or a 17 year old Snooki but of course back then I wouldn’t have known the difference. To kill someone with these knives it’s not so much about the location you hit your enemy in, it’s more about how hard and accurate you are with the throw. But if I had to say where you should aim it would be the anus.

Brass Knuckles: Otherwise known as paper weights by people who are easily fooled into thinking weapons have other uses, brass knuckles are a favorite among tough guys. I’m not very good at throwing punches so I haven’t had much use for these. I would probably be better off hoping my enemy tripped on the brass knuckles or got his fat fingers stuck in them. You can’t really kill someone with brass knuckles since it’s more about your own strength. However I did read in Judo: A Gentle Beginning that a nice shot to the anus with a pair of brass knuckles may cause major damage.

(The most popular book in my elementary school. It literally took me 3 years on the waiting list to check it out. Did I read it? No. How could someone named Jeannette know fighting techniques?)

Old Memorabilia: I guess I wouldn’t use these for anything other than scaring a naked girl tied to my bed since they’re actual war memorabilia but they should be mentioned. I own a Soviet Bayonet and a German pocket knife from the 1940s with this weird symbol on it that looks like two Z’s crossing each other. The bayonet is pretty intimidating and thick. You could easily slice someone’s throat with it or cut out a man’s anus. The German knife seems more like it was something probably used for cutting bread. The symbol on it looks way too peaceful.

Butterfly Knife: Butterfly knives are incredibly awesome and I have one. This was the knife I would carry on me a lot because it was fun to play with. It’s like a sharp nunchuck. I like the word nunchuck. It makes me think of throwing a religious woman out a window. The butterfly knife is more for flash than anything else. Do I need to say the best way to kill someone with one is to stab them in the anus? Didn’t think so.

(How can someone who can do such a cool thing look so lame?)

Switchblade: One time someone asked me for a comb and I accidentally handed them my switchblade. He was blind so instead of slicking back his hair he scalped himself. The problem with switchblades is you have to grease them up to keep them fast. I use oatmeal soap so I can no longer use my own forehead to grease up the knife. Switchblades are good for attacking hands or wrists. I’m not sure how one would work on an anus but I would guess very well.

Machete: Probably my most dangerous weapon if you don’t count my charm or my ability to drop things on people’s heads. Despite its size and reputation, the machete is pretty cute. It has my name carved on it and even has a sticker from the manufacturer. This is the latest weapon I’ve received as I found it pointless to keep stocking up on the same old things. We all know machetes are great for chopping off heads. I would keep the machete away from any anuses as it would be way too messy. Machetes can do a lot but one thing they cannot is solve bloody anus stains on the carpet. Stick with chopping off heads or arms if you ever think about getting one.

(The only picture I bothered to take of my weapons. I keep a lot of strange things in the fridge. The machete is there because it dulls the blade and makes it easier to cut through bone. I’m making that up)

Do you own any badass weapons? Guns are not badass. Guns are like more expensive slingshots.

Whenever someone tells me that they have a big announcement I am always nervous. I worry the girl I am secretly still in love with is getting married and will forever not be mine. Then my mind plays more games. I worry that she’s getting a sex change and that I will forever be in love with a married in-sexual-limbo creature. My big announcement today is I have no big announcement. See? I told you big announcements were always disappointing.

(Do not let this sweet fragile face fool you. She was a bad girl this year. That’s why instead of a birthday cake she gets canned spinach)

The best way to make a big announcement is at a holiday dinner. The family will gossip about rival families. If you’re Catholic you’ll probably get into a fist fight or two. The proper way to get attention is to grab an eating utensil and tap it 2-3 times onto a glass. Not very hard of course. Enough to make a springing sound. Like when your uncle taps on his glass eye to freak you out. The family will turn to you and then you can give them the big announcement. But what qualifies exactly as a big announcement? You don’t want to announce openly how you found a red crayon on the ground. You need to save these moments for very special occasions.

One big announcement is that you’re gay. Coming out of the closet on Thanksgiving is the stereotypical thing to do. Why Thanksgiving? Because you don’t miss out on presents. Worst case scenario, your mother takes away your food. But you’re gay anyway. You eat half slices and only eat carbs post-workout. You probably won’t care. Your family has a month to accept your lifestyle change and by the time Christmas rolls around your dad will have a new opinion on “those sinning queers.” He’ll have bought you something useful like a rubber fist or a pink shirt. Something he thinks gay people worship. But hey, he’s trying.

(Your dad will buy you this shirt for your job at the ass-less chaps factory)

As I mentioned in the opener of this, weddings are big announcements. I like calling weddings “the prologues to divorce.” Most people get a divorce at some point in their life. This wouldn’t be a problem if murder was legal. But where do you draw the line when it comes to murder? We can’t say that you can only murder someone you’re married to. Then people will be getting married only to murder enemies. It’s also not fair to gay people. They should be allowed to push someone off a building too! With technology now you don’t really have to announce your wedding. Most people find out about it via Facebook, Twitter, or Craigslist. I don’t recommend posting about your wedding on Craigslist. Prostitutes and guys selling dumbbells tend to show up.

Pregnancies are another huge announcement. This one you can’t wait too long. Otherwise people will start to think you’re fat and unfriend you. Or is it defriend? I’d ask a friend but none of them seem to answer their phones anymore. Except the one time I called from a pay phone. My buddy heard my voice and hung up immediately. Sucks for him. I had a great time at that amusement park alone. People are usually happier when you get pregnant than when you get married. Marriage makes someone a wimp. Having a kid makes someone hypnotized. Married people will complain about their spouses. Parents will talk nonstop about how great their children are. I never had that in my life though. As soon as I was born my parents cut out their own tongues. I guess they had some great intuition into how I would turn out.

In today’s only slightly worse economy but the media likes to run with the story that we’re going to need to go back to the gold standard world, getting a job can be huge. I remember when I first got my job. I ran around the office high-fiving everyone I could. I drove around town telling every stranger I spotted about it. The mailman, the convenience store clerk, the Nazi crossing guard all congratulated me. The thing about most jobs is after a while you start to hope the person you replaced enters one afternoon with a gun ready for revenge. A bullet pierces your lower back, paralyzing you for years. You collect a huge bonus and don’t have to work anymore. You can sit back with your feet up in the air (because lowering them could cause a hemorrhage) and enjoy life.

(Blonde hair, feet at attention, making the black child walk in the back. Clearly a Nazi. Even more freaky I found this picture from Google images off the page of someone who follows me when searching “Nazi crossing guard.” Weird but thank you Five Second Rules)

Other smaller moments in life can be big announcements. Achieving your dreams, buying a new house, poisoning a neighbor’s dog and successfully making it look like it was hit by a car are all noteworthy. I never have very many big announcements. I get happy enough at a poop taking less than 3 wipes. The problem is you can’t really show a picture to a friend of this achievement. It’s easy to doctor that moment.

(Doctored like the moon landing. I’m not sure how this proves Apollo 11 took place in Nevada. It only shows how much people hate happy Americans)

Maybe someday I will have a big announcement. You’ll all eagerly lean forward in anticipation. You’ll congratulate me on my achievements. Say things like “Way to go!” and “I always knew you could do it!” I’ll gloat with my chest out and go along with your fake sincerity. Then we’ll all find out that I was mistaken. I really didn’t succeed. My big announcement turns into a gigantic dud. You’ll laugh at my expense and I’ll go back to being a loser with nothing important to brag about. Unless you too love clean poops. Then bragging I shall do.