Posts Tagged ‘new years resolutions’

I suppose this is my obligatory New Year’s Resolution post. After all, a new year is approaching and it would seem silly not to at least set a few goals. This year though will be different from past years. 2013 for me has to be an important year for me. If it’s not…fuck.

In January 2011 I decided that if in two years I still was interested I would move to Los Angeles to further pursue my desire to have a career as a television/film writer. I could have simply said screenwriter but technically writing for a PowerPoint means you’re writing for a screen so I refuse to use that word. Through 2011 and 2012 it was all I could think about. It seemed so perfectly scripted for my life to head in that direction. I worked hard at writing as much as I could during this span of time. I’m not proud of much I’ve done with my life, but the amount I produced and the quality I believe I consistently achieve at this point is something I wish I could brag about and have someone understand how far I have come.

worst movie idea ever

(This was not one of those clever ideas I had this year)

Life doesn’t always work out the way we want it. I got as far as filling out an application for an apartment I visited while out in Los Angeles in October. The stress and fear of moving across the country began to hit me not much after. As fantastic as it would be to drive off into the sunset with a big fat middle finger sticking out the car window it was not realistic. I have no valuable skills to offer at a job. Worse, I have no credentials that would get me much further than where I am now with my desired career.

Instead I opted to move to New York City which is much closer and still can offer me what I want, at least for now. New York City is complicated so I settled for North Jersey, close enough where I can actually see the skyscrapers in Manhattan. I actually have to walk down a couple blocks to see the view, but it’s there and I’ll probably never bother unless I have absolutely nothing else to do.

The hardest thing about it all is I am still getting rid of nearly everything in my life. I just have less of a distance to drive and also won’t have to pay $5 for a gallon of California gas. In fact, I won’t need a car at all anymore. After spending the last 3 years driving an hour to work it’s almost arousing to know in the coming days I will have gotten stuck in my last traffic jam for a while.


(I’m not going to miss looking at another person’s bumper. I should really get my blood pressure checked now and then again after a month without driving just to see how much of an early grave it has sent me to already)

Growing up I was always told two things when it came to happiness. The first was bite your tongue, life sucks now shut up and play goalie fatso. The second was if you’re not happy you should fix it. Well, I spent 25 years doing the first. When something bothered me I remembered how much worse things could be. Yes there’s a hole in our bathroom floor but at least we have a bathroom. No matter how much things bothered me, no matter how miserable I would get at times, I never really did much about it other than hope someone would cross my path and save me. I feel like a woman writing that last sentence but I think it’s true for men and women. It’s easier to have someone else do all the work when really you’ve got to always do it yourself.

I’ve quit my job I have had since I was 17 which may have been the most consistent thing in my life. I had no problem quitting because it never brought me joy and it never let me do anything close to what I wanted to with my life. It became clear to me long ago that working there my entire life could be possible. I could have continued working there and driving an hour back and forth. I could have continued coming home to my apartment each night to no prospect that something incredible might happen. Nobody was going to show up at my door. Nobody was going to rescue me from complacency. As scary as it is and as scared as I still am, getting comfortable in a routine of loneliness is not healthy and eventually it will catch up to you.


(Typical Jeff Goldblum. Always running away from the problem without a real solution in mind. That ain’t me)

So what are my expectations for 2013? I’m starting the year off living in a new town, no job, and knowing exactly what I want out of life without too much of an idea on where to start or how to get it. My simple expectation for 2013 is to do whatever it takes. I want to get involved in whatever I can with whoever I can. I’ve spent my life surrounded by apathetic people who mean well but don’t offer me what I need. I used to have people I wanted to be. Now over the last few years it becomes clearer how the time for me to try to become the hero is here. I’m probably not going to rescue anyone from anything life threatening but I certainly hope I can at least lead by example and inspire others to do something amazing with their lives.

Most importantly I’m making these changes because I want more than I have. My current lifestyle is not something that could one day support a family or really get everything out of life a person should experience. A person shouldn’t have to give up so young, which I try telling everyone my age who seem to do it with ease. One day I want to be able to afford to go out to fancy restaurants maybe with a wife and kids. I want to be able to own a home where I worry about it being built on an Indian Burial Ground. In my life I want to be able to go on vacations and love my job so much that I spoil the fun for whoever I’m with. The direction my life was headed, I could somewhat attain these things. And it’s about more than money of course. It’s about feeling valued and most of all, valuing myself. There are not many things I need or want in life. One of them is to actually enjoy waking up with who I am and what I do.

In 2013 I expect to a year from now be so exhausted from all the hard work and good times I’ve had that I write something short enough you actually read entirely through. Let’s kick some ass and take some names in 2013.

One of my “resolutions” for 2012 was to have new experiences. I put the word resolutions in quotations because I didn’t come up with it being a resolution until a few seconds ago. I’m also not a person who likes to say I will do something because it’s a new year. I do something because I think it will make my life better. I do something because I hope it helps get pretty girls to talk to me.

My Saturday nights typically aren’t very exciting. I’ll either sit at home working on something I’m writing, go somewhere with my ex-girlfriend (that feels weird to say, right now we call each other “some random guy/girl” I think it helps because we both hate all of our exes), or I’ll watch TV. And when I say TV, I mean I plug my external hard drive into my computer and watch television shows that were on 5 years ago. I don’t want you thinking I spend my Saturday nights watching Cops. Even I find that a little pathetic and I have a large booger hanging from a nose hair as I type.

I made an attempt to do something new on a Saturday night. I gathered up all of my friends (one guy) and decided we would paint the town red. Our first fun stop, Subway. That might not sound so exciting, but by golly you haven’t had fun until you’ve hung out with us! Get this. I had jalapenos on my sandwich. I like to live dangerously. Even more thrilling, he tried a brand new sandwich that he never tried before and got some jalapeno flavored chips to go with it. Oh my! Exciting boys.

(This is going to be us in 5 months. At least a chick will be there)

We sat in the parking lot for 20 minutes after trying to figure out what to do. I texted everyone I knew (my 2 sisters) to find out where to hang out. He texted everyone he knew (me) and I told him that if he had something to say he could just say it out loud. Apparently my hometown hasn’t changed much since I moved. I’m still around there enough, but I figured in the last 2 years maybe an arcade or an orgy palace had spawned up. My sisters were no help. The one suggested going some place I always go to, going some place that’s 40 minutes away, and then suggesting I go fuck myself if her suggestions weren’t good enough. My other sister was even less helpful. She didn’t even have a suggestion. I always wonder where 21-year-old girls hang out. The lesson of the night, at home with a friend as clueless as she.

Eventually we decided to give some new bar a shot. It’s not really new as much as it looks clean and we remember when it was built. He knew someone who was almost date raped there so we thought this could lead to some excitement. The crowd was a “gigantic sausage fest” as he suggested. The bartender was either pregnant or only stores fat in her lower abdomen. I didn’t ask. We thought it was best to leave. We weren’t going to get date raped here. Not with a playoff football game on the TV. Oh, but we did spot the first homosexual we ever knew there. He was one of those kids who you knew was gay when he was 12. He has a huge bald spot now. I sense the Westboro Baptist Church reading this then saying that the fact that he was gay led to baldness.

(Beans from Even Stevens then and now. He’s not gay, but he did lose all of his hair in a freak plutonium mining accident)

Our sphincters intact, it was time to try somewhere else. We journeyed to a place that was even closer to our childhood homes. I won’t say where because I recognized a few people there. My new shtick is telling people I meet that I’m a professional psychic medium. I don’t want to be found out if one of them for some reason reads this and finds out that I can’t really talk to dead people.

While walking in a large man joked with us about getting a fake cigarette and then said “Look, the Lee sisters. Lonely and Ugly.” as a lonely and ugly woman passed by. It took me a moment to get it. Now it’s my favorite thing to say. We walked in and the places was much emptier than I expected. We managed to get seats right away which is always a plus. The bartender came over immediately and asked us what we wanted. I said “I’ll just have a water.” I always throw in the word “just” when ordering a water. I probably shouldn’t. It makes me sound like a coward. I’m admitting what a wimp I am for not drinking. I should really say “I’ll start with a water and possibly move onto something more mind altering depending upon how the evening goes.” But I don’t. My buddy got a Miller Lite because it was the only thing on Tap that he could spot.

It was a typical pub. Young people, old people, loners, couples, hamburgers, sports, a clogged toilet, darts. The best thing was that most of the people who worked there were attractive. Even the homeliest was probably in the top 15 of bartenders I’ve ever seen in person. Maybe our night was going to turn around. Bartenders need sexy time from people too. I’ve only ever hooked up with one bartender. I’m not even positive if she was a bartender. She was probably only a waitress at a bar. Still, I’m proud. She had previously been dating some guy who I am pretty sure is now in the NHL. Talk about downgrading. It takes me 3 laps around an ice rink before I can let go of the sides.

(Me ice skating, second before falling I’m sure. Notice the feet aimed inward and the ankles caving in)

My friend claimed ownership over the “head” bartender. I call her the head one because she seemed in charge and I would like her to give me that, head. She was a cute redhead who seemed to smile in the distance for no real reason at all. She’d dance to the music and everything. Only one douche chill moment happened when someone was ignoring her and I saw her roll her eyes. We made brief eye contact and I jumped into gear and said “They’re ignoring you!” a little too overeager. She then proceeded to ignore me. The only thing more embarrassing would have been if she had asked me what I said and I had to repeat it again. What could her response have been, “Yes. Yes they are ignoring me. You see things that I see then you say them out loud to strangers. Thank you.” So it’s for the best that I fucked up, right?

Another bartender called me sweetie. She was pretty good-looking too. Out of my league good-looking. Not that I couldn’t get her. She just looks like someone who would be disgusted looking at me in daylight. She was part Spanish I think. Although she wasn’t very mean so it’s hard to tell. I debated with my friend why she might call me sweetie. He was nice and said maybe she has a thing for me. I was realistic and said she’s probably a lot older than we think. I eavesdropped and found out she was 22. So much for my theory. Maybe she’s into me? Then he needed a drink and she called him sweetie. Never mind. It’s what she calls everyone. I’ve been called worse.

A live band came on. It took them 45 minutes to warm up. Their guitar player had a grey beard. Their singer still had some baby teeth. This was a sign that they were going to suck. They warmed up with either “Are You Gonna Be My Girl?” by Jet or “Lust for Life” by Iggy Pop. It’s the same song. Who knows? Sluts poured into the bar. More and more of them each passing minute. Then I’d get a glimpse into their world by hearing their conversations and think to myself “Hey, I don’t belong here. These people don’t think like I do.” The band began to play “Breakfast at Tiffany’s” a song that nobody likes or knows who does it. My friend hates life music and we both tried to justify that who only left because of that when really I have a feeling we left because we both knew that it was now impossible for a girl to come up and say to either of us “I like your jacket.” Yes, we both wore our cool black jackets. Nobody commented on them. But hey, I thought we looked pretty cool. And isn’t that what matters?

(Hey, you can look like a douche while wearing leather)

I dropped him off at home after our night of new experiences. It could have been better, it could have been worse. The moral of the story is that new experiences are never the way you wish they were. They’re not bad and you can have fun doing them. I’m sure we’ll go back there another time. I mean, the waitstaff alone makes it worth the trip. I look forward to more new experiences this year. You know, like having a threesome or going to bed and waking up happy.