Posts Tagged ‘new years’

As if I’m not already taking up too much of my time chasing an impossible dream, I began writing for a new website. This new task has taken away from working on other projects, but from what I have learned in the last year, writing seriously has a much bigger benefit in the long run than trying to make people laugh does. In fact, making people laugh is pretty much a waste of time. Why put so much effort into something a feather to a foot can?

Anyway, the new site I’m contributing for is called Call to the Pen. For those unfamiliar with baseball, it’s a slang term for–I’m not going to even bother. To view my articles exclusively I will redirect you to my other baseball site I write by myself and the page I have dedicated to this new site. I figure, if you are interested enough to click on one link, you will probably click on a second.

You can find what I have written so far here on this really long string of words that for some reason I thought should all be part of the link.

That’s it. Just wanted to share this little piece of nonsense.

I’m also spending New Year’s with a sexy lady.

Niu Niu Timmy

No, not here. She’s only my number two and three.

Out of being a dick and sheer uncreativity, I stole this survey from Lily and decided to fill it out myself.

  • 1:What did you do in 2013 that you’d never done before? Said “thank you.”
  • 2:Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year? No. I traded it for a Pete Rose rookie card only to realize it was Pete Rose Jr. I got. Read the fine print people!
  • 3:Did anyone close to you give birth? Yes. There’s a pregnant woman lying a few feet away from me giving birth right now and pleading for my help. I’m only on #3 though.
  • 4:Did anyone close to you die? The pregnant woman I was too busy to help 😦
  • 5:What countries did you visit? Someone accidentally gave me a Canadian quarter so that sort of counts.
  • 6:What would you like to have in 2014 that you lacked in 2013? Friendship. Love. Less farts.
  • 7:What dates from 2013 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? The really big one I found in my date and raisin oatmeal. I posted it on Twitter and got a retweet it was so ginormous.
  • 8:What was your biggest achievement of the year? Rescuing a baby from oncoming traffic.
  • 9:What was your biggest failure? Being the one who threw the baby into traffic during a temper tantrum.
  • 10:Did you suffer illness or injury? The baby’s dad beat me up pretty bad.
  • 11:What was the best thing you bought? Financial security by not buying anything I didn’t really need. Oh and a pair of large novelty sunglasses.
  • 12:Whose behavior merited celebration? Whoever sold that dead guy from Glee the drugs. One at a time…
  • 13:Whose behavior made you appalled? Mine for insulting poor dead celebrities for throwing away their talents and then overdosing on drugs despite having the potential do something good for the world.
  • 14:Where did most of your money go? To fund terrorism.
  • 15:What did you get really, really, really excited about? Death’s cold breath which creeps up on the back of our neck’s each year.
  • 16:What song will always remind you of 2013? “2013” by Bowling for Soup. They’ve pretty much filled the market for songs about every year.
  • 17:Compared to this time last year, are you: (a) happier or sadder? (b) thinner or fatter? (c) richer or poorer? Emotionless, skinny-fat, on a bartering system.
  • 18:What do you wish you’d done more of? Sexual reassignment therapy.
  • 19:What do you wish you’d done less of? Stealing coworker’s lunches and then blaming it on the fat girl who blamed and forced to quit.
  • 20:How did you spend Christmas? I had 4 Christmases like that Vince Vaughn movie. Mine weren’t as much fun. 3 were spent crying.
  • 21:Did you fall in love in 2013? Cannot compute.
  • 22:What was your favorite TV program? Anything with Victoria Justice. So Victorious. That’s the only thing she’s on…
  • 23:Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year? Yes. I met a few new people this year.
  • 24:What was the best book you read? How to Live with a Micropenis by (insert your name here)
  • 25:What was your greatest musical discovery? Uncle Kracker
  • 26:What did you want and get? A terminal illness.
  • 27:What did you want and not get? The fame and popular that comes with having a terminal illness. I just feel weak!
  • 28:What was your favorite film of this year? I only saw one movie that came out this year so by process of elimination it has to be He’s Way More Famous Than You.
  • 29:What one thing made your year immeasurably more satisfying? Mango float.
  • 30:How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2013? Trying not to look fat, trying not to have stains, sexually confused metrosexual lumberjack.
  • 31:What kept you sane? 12 doses of “forget it all” pills.
  • 32:Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? The cat from the Fancy Feast commercials. I mean, who’s fancier?
  • 33:What political issue stirred you the most? When Obama wanted to eat all of the white people.
  • 34:Who did you miss? If I say it out loud then they might come back and that’s not good.
  • 35:Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2013. You can get pregnant if you do it standing up in a pool, so convince her to open up the butt.
  • 36:Quote a song lyric that sums up your year. “Her placenta falls to the floor.” – Live, Lightning Crashes

(Cheese from the television show The Wire. His real name is Method Man. This has nothing to do with him)

My girlfriend and I argue about a lot of things. For one she thinks drowning would be a peaceful way of dying. I even showed her the movie “The Prestige” where Michael Cain says that drowning was like “going home” then at the end says that it is “agony.” She’s still not convinced even after everyone else agrees with me. I’ve offered to hold her head underwater so she can experience that peace. She refuses. This proves she knows she’s wrong.

I’d mention a few things that we argue about that I’m probably at fault, but this is my blog where I am perfect. She can start her own or create a Livejournal account to complain about how she never really liked me. I had a girl do that. That was depressing to read that someone really doesn’t feel like seeing you and you’ve only been dating a week. Christ. You’d think I’d have at one point hit a woman. I don’t hit girls though. Unless they ask me to. Believe it or not, more than a few have. Females are sick.

One thing that my Old Lady (I’ve been catching up on Sons of Anarchy and really want a motorcycle gang. First rule of SAMCRO is to call your bitch your Old Lady) has said to me is that she thinks if she were to break up with me that I would kill myself. I’ve thought about this. I don’t think I would. I hope I wouldn’t. I spent the first 21 years of my life practically alone. Losing someone who you actually love would be cake. I could ease back into the single life no problem, right? Honestly I know I could never kill myself. I still have to abuse alcohol and drugs first, write more poetry, give up everything that I already love to do, get really fat or really skinny from not caring about my diet, and possible do a few more cries for help such as posting Dashboard Confessional lyrics as my Facebook status.

I’m curious though, her thinking I would kill myself. How does she think I would do it? I asked her and what she said didn’t make sense. She said I would hang myself. Hmmm that wouldn’t work. I need to figure out which rhetorical way of killing myself would be best.

1) Hanging

Like I said, she thinks I would hang myself. It’s how most people kick the bucket when they take their own life. I could not do this. It took me until 3rd grade to stop wearing Velcro shoes. I still rarely untie my shoes. I’m terrible with knots. There also isn’t anywhere in my apartment to hang from. Shower curtain rods are too weak and where I hang my shirts is too low. I also don’t want to die in the closet. People would make too many gay jokes at my funeral.

2) Gunshot

This is probably the way I would go if I really had to. It’s messy and sends a message that I really was upset. But if I was ever going to shoot myself I would have to go out and get a gun. I’d probably have to wait a week to get it. My emotions sway so much that by the time I got the gun I wouldn’t be so upset anymore. Then I’d be stuck with a gun and nothing to do with it besides flash it at parties. I won’t be eating a bullet. Too much paper work.

3) Jumping

Falling off of something high would be the best way for me to go in theory. I broke my leg falling 3 feet from the air. I broke it again when someone slid into my leg. I’d probably splatter into soup if I fell from 10 feet. There aren’t any really tall buildings near me though. That’s going to be a problem. I also don’t have access to a ladder. And, looking down from a high place, I know I’d chicken out. I’d have to get a good job or a penthouse apartment to really accomplish this. If either of those happened I’d have no reason to jump.

4) Wrist Slitting

I would never slit my wrists. That really creeps me out. My wrists are really thin and girly. I really feel like I don’t have forearms, just one vein running from my elbow to my hand. I have plenty of sharp objects I could do this with. I’d have to do it in a bath tub too. I still don’t know though. Dying with my head that close to the toilet? What if I become a ghost and have to be in that bath tub forever? People will have sex and masturbate on my soul. Yeah, not a good plan.

5) Car Crash

I don’t know if people kill themselves by purposely causing car crashes too often, but I’m running out of ideas. This is a risky one. There’s no guarantee that you’ll die. You may end up paralyzed and miserable. Or paralyzed and become an inspirational speaker. It all depends on how fat your tongue is and if you are a people person. I could easily crash my car. One time I’m pretty sure I did it subconsciously. I was driving straight minding my own business and for no reason at all my car swerved off the highway into a small ditch. I was fine and still have no clue what happened. I took my car in to see what was wrong. One of the mechanics asked if I use my car to “go Mudding.” I didn’t know what this meant so he laughed at me. I hate when people laugh at me. It makes me want to drive off the road into a tree.

6) Pills

Again, this is a risky one. You might end up throwing up all night. I hate throwing up. I haven’t done it since Christmas Eve when I was around 10 years old. I have an iron stomach. I can eat an entire box of high fiber cereal in one sitting. The only side effect is that the next day my stomach hurts and it shoots out the back of me. I learned not to do this. It took a couple tries, but finally I know not to eat like a pig. I don’t know what pills I should take to snuff myself either. Allergy pills would probably just make me never get a sniffle again. Why is suicide so hard?

7) Electrocution

People don’t usually electrocute themselves to death. There’s the old toaster in the bath tub trick. I don’t own a toaster. I could always throw my laptop in there with me, but I have 180 saved Word Documents saved. I’d like some of them to make it. This again means that I’d have to die with my head near a toilet. It reminds me too much of Elvis and I’ve never been an Elvis guy. Plus, don’t I have to be naked to die in a bath tub? The water will be cold by the time someone finds me and we all know what happens when a naked boy is cold. I don’t want to end with that false legacy.

8) Carbon Monoxide Poisoning

I think that’s what comes out of cars. I don’t own a garage. You need a garage or at least a random tube to connect to your tailpipe to do this. I know the guy from Boston used a grill inside his home to do himself in. I don’t own a grill either. Shit. What do I own? This also takes too long. I’m very impatient. Especially in the car. I definitely won’t be doing this ever. I’m not a garage guy. Garages are for people who own bikes and a second refrigerator

9) Oven

I haven’t used my oven once since I moved into my apartment. It took me 9 months before I used the stove top. The pilot burnt out after a month. I don’t have strong enough knees to put my head in the oven. My head is always probably too big. I’d have to take out the racks first. I’ve already made it pretty clear that if I kill myself I won’t be working hard for it. Ovens are for baked goods, not sad boy’s heads.

10) Train Hitting

This is actually pretty trendy. All of the hipsters talk about it. Whenever I see a train speed by I think about that part in Hostel when the Asian woman with the eye hanging out of her face jumped in front of the train. That last sentence was written poorly, but it’s taken me too long to try to figure out how to reword it. I’m around enough trains, but it’s nothing I’m interested in doing. I’d be afraid of being dragged or having my arm cut off. It’s weird that planes still hit people. I’ve known people who’ve known people who had that happen to them. It could have been a lie. People like to brag about knowing cool folks.

When it comes down to it, there is no perfect way for me to kill myself. It’s just too much work. Another thing my girlfriend argues with me about is saying that I’m a quitter. Fuck you whore. I made a list of 10 ways for me to kill myself. I thought I was going to stop around 6, but I didn’t quit. I kept trucking along. You’ll argue that I’m still a quitter because I didn’t do any of them. Then I’ll feel bad about myself and make a new list of things. It’s an endless cycle of pain, but I still love you. Bitch.

P.S. This is my last post of the year. I wanted to let you know since this was all about killing myself that if I don’t post for a few days, I am not dead. I am busy changing my thousands of calendars.

Thank you for a lovely year. Writing this blog has been helpful for several reasons. Most importantly, self discovery. I do not wish to get sappy, I will save that for a future post I have planned. I hope you all have a Happy New Year and get to kiss someone hot at midnight.