Posts Tagged ‘news’

I had a golden opportunity arise today. Unlike you though when I say “golden opportunity” I do not mean something positive. I mean it more reflects someone peeing in your face.

On July 17, 2013 I signed up on Yahoo Voices to begin publishing online for money! Real money. Real money I have had transferred into my bank account. Money I can use to buy things. Money I could spend to have someone killed! Certainly I felt very powerful with this…umm…power?

Today all of the contributors were informed that the site would be shutting down at the end of July and no new contact would be published. Considering this is the first, and still only, time I have made money writing I am a little upset. It was an easy side gig that easily supplemented my grocery bills. While I didn’t earn a living off of it, in the time I was there I earned almost $1700, $1500 of it this year alone. Writing about sports, television, movies, and fat kids was so easy. It was pleasurable to know I could dedicate my entire evening to writing something that would be published then rewarded with money. In fact, ever since I began writing for Yahoo Voices it kind of became the most time consuming thing I would do. I put screenwriting aside because I can’t think of anything less rewarding than spending months to put together a story only for it to lead to nothing. Okay, maybe being the parent of an ugly baby is worse.

There are lots of other websites out there seeking writers. The problem is Yahoo Voices was easy. You could write on whatever topic you wanted. You only had to reach 400 words. The guidelines were so carefree. Anyone could have made a pretty penny on it. Other sites require more attention to boundaries and regulations. They want you to follow a strict format and avoid using the n-word. Well, Yahoo Voices probably wouldn’t allow it either. They barely edited though and I doubt they ever would have noticed, but it would have been a risky maneuver anyway.

The first heartbreak with Yahoo came after I was accepted as a beat reporter for the Philadelphia Phillies back in January. By beat reporter I mean I wrote about the team and I had no credentials to do it other than I submitted an article they liked. In about a month doing that I managed to get about $300 and baseball season hadn’t even started. I even was awarded something about an article of the week where they basically said I sucked but my sucking was entertaining.

Where does this leave me? I could write here, though, at this point I don’t feel the same about standard blogging. This Mooselicker blog is more for random thoughts which are not edited very much because there’s no reason to. That’s the most valuable thing I think I earned, even above money, from writing on Yahoo Voices. I think I truly did become a better, albeit sometimes more boring, writer. I flush out the information quicker and more precise. I am more aware of words I use as crutches too. I got a lot of practice there and I think the real unfortunate thing is I don’t know where to go next.

I remain active on my sports blog Phalse Philly Sports which I enjoy and there is always fresh content. The problem with that is it could never go far as it’s nothing more than The Onion for Philadelphia Sports. Pictures are taken all willy-nilly from Google without properly crediting the source and so on. I’d almost rather that never get too big as the more attention I get the less I could get away with. Until an actual offer is made where I know people are depending on me to write for it there’s no reason to put in the added effort of trying to “make it big.”

Right now it looks like I’ll….well damn I’m not even quite sure. The weather is so hot it’s hard to imagine doing anything other than following the routine. I do get plenty of chances to write at work which is nice. Still, the compensation is not the same as being able to publish a couple hundred articles and track how they are doing on a daily basis.

Maybe this is why so many writers end up attempting to murder their families while watching hotels in the Colorado Mountains during a snowstorm. It’s a frustrating gig that nobody really gives a damn about.

Now to spend my night depress-eating followed up by regret-trying-to-pooping.

P.S. Why does WordPress decide to change everything without warning every time I post something?

Here’s a fake news story I wrote a while ago. If you want to read much more well-thought out fake news stories then I suggest going right here.

“Find Your Own Damn Seat Pregnant Lady!” Says New Study

A new study by the Department of Medicine Stuff says that pregnant women have been taking advantage of an old out of date theory that they require special treatment. As it turns out, the study proves that pregnant women need to do things for their own damn selves.

Brock Taylor, Director of the Department of Medicine Stuff, says that pregnant women benefit more by being more independent and not asking others to give up their seats for them on public transportation.

“Pregnant women who choose to stand are far less likely to be pains in the ass,” says Brock Taylor who requested we refer to him by both his first and last name at all times.

“It had long been believed that the extra weight they carried was hurting their legs. Not true. This helps build strength and furthermore reminds them not to get knocked up.”

David Killbaby from the Population Control Agency (PCA) says that he hopes this new information can help do his job better for him.

“I joined a government agency because I was too dumb to be a janitor,” said Killbaby. “I hate my job and I’m hoping if more pregnant women suffer they will be less likely to have kids again in the future. Less kids means less work for me to do.”

Killbaby is not worried about losing his job either as he is a government employee and the son of a politician.

“If they tried to take away my job it would surely end in bloodshed,” said Killbaby.

Additional findings in the study say that pregnant women might be best at eating less while carrying. Studies suggest overeating during pregnancy makes a baby crave food once it’s out which could be why there are so many fat kids these days.

Brock Taylor and his team are working hard to get this information to the public. An interview has been scheduled on a local cable access channel in North Dakota as well as an appearance on Brock Taylor’s brother’s podcast, One Hour with Lenny Taylor.

“It’s important for each individual to take a stand against these pregnant ladies,” said Brock Taylor. “For too long I have been forced to stand on the train and smile at them when they pass by. They also get premium parking too. Our hope is this will finally make things even again, just how our Communist forefathers intended.”

pregnant_doll_2_small

Dominatrix Arrested in the Name of the Emancipation Proclamation

On January 1, 1863 after a night of binge drinking with friends, former President Abraham Lincoln made a New Year’s Resolution to abolish slavery. Wasting no time like a fat girl signing up for a gym membership, Lincoln issued the Emancipation Proclamation. Unlike the fat girl with the gym membership, Lincoln stuck to his promise.

Now in 2013, law enforcement officials are catching up and cracking down on the current forms of slavery existing in America despite the illegality of each. The first to fall was New York dominatrix Shirley Groinkick.

Groinkick was arrested on three counts of slavery, each of the victims being businessmen who paid her to treat them poorly.

As she was escorted into the police vehicle, Groinkick pleaded her innocence. She claimed this was her job and that the men were getting what they paid for.

“Who would ever pay for a woman to treat them like a slave?” rhetorically asked Police Chief Sal Beatshiswife. “It’s not unusual for a guilty party to say they’re innocent, but who is she trying to fool? Me?”

Groinkick is just the first of many dominatrixes who will feel the bitch slap of the law against them.

“This sweep is going nationwide,” said Beathiswife. “Coppers all over the country are going to take down these dominating whores.”

Other targets of this new movement to make the Emancipation Proclamation more productive are those working with companies offering internships. In recent years, the internship has been advertised as a way to get your foot in the door with certain careers. The truth, this is another form of slavery.

“I started out my internship thinking it would eventually lead to a job,” said former Chinese-American intern Terrance Yu. “The internships never led to anything other than being really good at making coffee. I’m a barista now and I hate my life. I’m Chinese, not Japanese. I should be happier.”

Illuminati puppet and figurehead of the United States, Barack Obama, has said that it’s important America honors what the Emancipation Proclamation says, all slavery should be abolished. Starting whenever he needs the good press, Obama will eliminate all slavery from the country. All sports players will become free agents, all people who were forced into signing with a union will be free to leave, and school will no longer be required for children.

“As a man who grew up in Africa I know what an awful thing slavery is,” said Obama. “Y’all skeet skeet goddamn.”

For now though, it appears only the dominatrixes have been busted for engaging in slavery. Let this be a warning to all those out there, you cannot control anyone because a tall president with a neck beard who was shot in the back of the head said so.

Cat-Dominatrix-White

Inventor of the “N-Word” Upset over Lack of Royalties

Modern American society has made the “N-Word” a dirty one to use. When inventor of the original word Earl Patterson first coined the word in 1845 during a card game, he immediately realized he had struck oil.

“I was onto something. It just came out of my mouth and felt right,” said Patterson. “Me and the boys [other racist gold miners] always needed some word to use and I came up with it all on my own.”

Like many other inventors, Patterson began to receive royalty checks from the United States Government for coming up with such a useful term at the time. Patterson had a trademark and used his new word to help him get endorsement deals with the Kellog’s Company, the second K in the notorious group the KKK.

“Life was easy after that. I quit my job and started doing advertisements. My grandchildren’s children would be set as long as someone didn’t come around to ruin it.”

Someone did come around to ruin it. Patterson who had been receiving one gold coin each time anyone ever uttered the actual full “n-word” had of all people Thomas Edison after his fortune.

“I knew Edison was a dick and all. Everybody did. He was named after a crappy town in Jersey. How could he not suck?” said Patterson.

Thomas Edison, best known for being a thieving dick, saw he could not simply steal the paten Patterson had on the word. Instead Edison made it so usage of the actual word would be seen as intolerant and bad. Edison then paid for the rights to the shortened and edited version, “n-word.” After successfully seizing up the rights to the loophole in using a derogatory word, Edison began receiving more checks than Patterson.

“Nobody wants to get called a racist anymore,” said Patterson. “They are more likely to say Edison’s version than mine.”

Patterson attempted to have lawyers contact Edison to work out a deal where they could share both words since they essentially mean the same thing and one is not more racist than the other when you really think about it and what should really matter is context more than anything else. Edison did not respond to any of Patterson’s inquiries. Since 1931, Thomas Edison has been M.I.A. to the public, Missing In being Alive.

A spokesperson for Edison, his great-grandson Trevor Edison, said that Edison never intended to screw over Patterson. Thomas Edison’s only intent was to make as much money as possible and project a much cuter image than the truth to his name.

As far as the claim that Patterson is a racist goes, he had this to say–

“Yes I am a racist. I grew up in the 1800s. Everyone from that era hated black people and I found a way for the hate to be a little less violent. Do I feel bad about it? Sure. But don’t judge me on this one achievement. All I did was come up with a word that we have all used at least once with our car windows rolled up.”

Georg Albert Bruetsch, about 1900.(Earl Patterson, inventor of the N-Word)

I wrote a few fake news stories. I probably will continue to whenever I have an “interesting” idea. I’ll post them every once in a while so this site doesn’t become a shitty version of The Onion. I guess that would be called The Tater Tot? Well, no. If it was called The Onion Ring then I could call it The Tater Tot. Luckily I don’t have to come up with a name because this is just some random feature I’m going to do.

“Man Excited Over American Tragedies”

For forty-five year old Flushing resident Howard Johnson, watching the first ten minutes of the nightly news is not bothersome. The gruesome details of death, carnage, and other tragedy do not get him down. In fact, Johnson looks forward to these events. Some nights, they work as his Viagra.

“I’ve been called just about every name in the book. It doesn’t make me a monster. It makes me a man looking for job security.”

Johnson has worked the last eleven years at his local library as man who raises and lowers the American flag in front. Previously, he had been the man who emptied the trash cans, but asked for the promotion to flag raiser when he married his wife Francine.

“I got laid all the time when I was emptying those trash cans,” said Johnson. “It was like working in the porn industry only I never had to take any acting classes. Everyone wants to sleep with the guy who does what no one else is willing to do. I no longer needed a job that is a heartthrob position now that I had Francine.”

At first Johnson felt like the rest of us whenever he had to lower the flag. The same sorrow we feel when we hear about a tragedy coursed through his veins. At some point, things changed. The economy completely fell apart and Johnson’s job was in jeopardy.

“You would think being named after a hotel chain would give me some clout somewhere. I’m also named after a New York Met. That was two things I had going for me. Still, nobody seemed to care whenever I added it to my resume looking for a new job.”

Eventually Johnson came to embrace his job. In fact, he hoped for tragedy in the news.

“I would catch him praying at night,” said wife Francine. “He would ask God to do some dirty work. Never anything too sinister. He wanted an ex-president or one of them Negro basketball players to die of a drug overdose.”

Smaller local tragedies such as the death of beloved homeless woman Eileen Barkan in 2004 brought Johnson to tears. He considered leaving the job to work elsewhere.

“I couldn’t leave Flushing,” said Johnson. “The name reminds me too much of a toilet and at the end of the day, knowing I live in a place with a ridiculous name always give me a good laugh no matter how bad my day was.”

In recent years, when access to guns has been as easy as ever and maniacs are plentiful, Johnson has come to appreciate his job more than ever. Worried that his job is limited to only working the days when someone is unjustifiably killed by man or a higher power, Johnson devised a plan to up his hours at work.

Johnson is the co-creator of the ‘Get Guns Back in Our Schools’ program. In his spare time he travels to local schools preaching about how guns are the best way to solve problems. Schools were reluctant at first to let him speak, until they realized that one gunshot solves problems quicker, and much in a more silent manner.

“I don’t necessarily believe everything I preach. I have a family to feed though. Me, my wife Francine, and our nineteen cats must eat in order to survive. The way I see it, it’s us or them. The more of them that die, the more expensive cat food I can buy. Pretty cool how I made it rhyme there huh?”

The Get Guns Back in Our Schools initiative has been met with negativity. Principal Joseph H. Schlavin III of Richard Head Middle School described it as a “dickless-move by a prick-face cocksucker.”

“I don’t care what people think about me,” said Johnson. “I’m named after a New York Met, remember? I don’t even respect myself.”

In the coming months, Johnson plans to expand his love of death to others. Along with his wife Francine, they plan to get into the ribbon making industry. They have already patented turquoise ribbons to represent supporting teenagers who have fallen victim to sexually transmitted diseases. Clearly, Johnson is not just in the game of death. He will capitalize on any bad news that he can.

“People will support anything these days. I would be a fool to think they would not give me $5.99 for a poorly made ribbon where only a couple of pennies even go to helping a high school cheerleader get her gonorrhea medicine.”

Until the project gets off the ground, Johnson will hope for daily deaths to you and everyone you love to keep allowing him to raise that library flag.

“I never set out to be the bad guy. It’s just the way things turned out. I will see you all in hell.”

half mast

I swear I’ll keep this brief and I’m not sure what the point in even blogging about this is other than my nose isn’t brown enough. I also want to point out that not all celebrities are assholes unwilling to give back to their fanbase.

I didn’t find out about this until Monday, but It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia actor Glenn Howerton posted this on his Twitter back in March:

glenn howerton

 

Read the last one. It’s the most relevant.

Basically he’s soliciting different screenplays, television pilots, and I’m sure he will not turn down nude photographs of women although he did not state it would increase chances, but I have no doubt it would. If you don’t know the story of how It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia got started, it was basically based on a short video made by the cast. Danny Devito somehow discovered it and the rest as they say is a much more interesting and incestuous way than most television shows are created, in-house and remade from unoriginal ideas.

Mr. Howerton went on to answer different questions on his Twitter account, at one point saying that this is not a contest, it’s a “call to arms” and that “everyone just needs a way in.” Of course I emailed something almost immediately (he set up an email address for this to save trees) and now I play the waiting game hoping that I at least hear back.  A “quit now while you can still waste your time on something else” would be as helpful as a “this is amazing.”

This is one of many things I’ve been entering/submitting to in recent days. I entered two things back at the end of February. That contest closes submissions on Monday. There’s another contest that opens on Monday. This contest I entered the last two years with no luck. Then there’s an internship I applied for which I have the least amount of faith in because you needed to include a resume. Whenever I have to include my resume for anything I feel like I’m telling people not to pick me. What age is it acceptable to travel around the country robbing banks and becoming a national hero? I feel like I’m getting close.

But thanks Glenn Howerton for not being a megadouche and instead at least attempting to pay it forward and give other people an opportunity to one day, like Zach Braff, take advantage of their fans.

"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia" Season 5 New York Premiere - Arrivals

(Normally I’d be jealous of Mr. Glenn here, but he seems like a nice guy so I shall contain my jealous rage and save it for someone more deserving)

I’m getting old. The worst thing about getting old is there are more people younger than me than there are older than me. Constantly the number of people who exist that are older than me decreases. The number of people younger than me will always rise. It’s unsettling. With each day I’m closer to death and more of a failure. This post is dedicated to all the famous people younger than me who have already become successful. I hate all of the following people and hope they fail because of our age difference. These are only the ones that totally shock me. I’m well aware how there are around 4 million people under 25 who are successful. Ugh I want to die.

Julianne Hough: I’m not quite sure what she does and for some reason I thought she was really old. She has an old lady’s name. Julianne? You don’t name people that anymore. She’s already been on Dancing with the Stars which means she’s already washed up. What am I doing wrong?

julianne hough

Adele: How is she younger than me? She’s huge both in shape and in notoriety. She would have been in my graduating high school class but I still have a few months head start on her. Maybe I should have stayed fat. Maybe I should have learned how to sing. If I had to guess I’d say Adele was 45. She’s not though. She was born in 1988. This is horrible.

70th Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivals

Colin Kaepernick: The Super Bowl losing quarterback for the 49ers is about a month younger than I am. With athletes I’ve come to accept a lot will be younger than me. What bothers me is that he’s playing in Super Bowls. I’m afraid to ask a waitress to take my dinner back to the kitchen to warm it up and this guy has to work on the biggest stage of them all. And by biggest stage of them all I don’t mean Adele’s second chin.

colin-kaepernick-scored-15-touchdowns-2012-season

Hayden Panetierre: I can accept her being my age or real close to it but she was born two years after me. Why would I be scared to ask her out on a date still? She’s younger than me. No matter how big my penis is she would be stunned by it.

hayden-panettiere-ctv-upfront-2012-presentation-06

Dev Patel: The second most famous Indian actor in the world, most famous if you don’t consider the Harold and Kumar movies real. He was the main character in Slum Dog Millionaire. He’s probably a real life millionaire. He was also born in 1990. My sister was born in 1990. Her crowning achievement is owning a cat.

dev patel

Snooki: I always forget she’s a little over a month younger than me. I guess I should excuse anything stupid she does because of this. I don’t though because I’m old and mature enough to understand age is nothing but a number. A number to hate people who happen to have a lower number than you and have achieved more.

Cane-toad

Kate Upton: Everyone jerks off to Kate Upton. I don’t really get the hype. I don’t think she’s all that good-looking. Yeah she has giant breasts but she’s just average otherwise. The worst thing, she’s younger than me. She was born in 1992. Someone shouldn’t be allowed to be a sex symbol if they were born after Goodfellas came out.

2010-melons

I hope you feel really old now knowing these people are even younger than I am.