Posts Tagged ‘novel’

Remember when I was a real eager go-getter and spent a lot of time writing lengthy books nobody really gave a damn about? Well, here’s something I wrote for Yahoo that earned more money than I think I made in the first 3 months of self-publishing books! So the lesson to be learned here is that nobody gives a damn and you are better off selling out and writing for something corporate. And in a twist of being pushy, you can get a copy of the last book I self-published for free through the rest of the month beginning tomorrow after I post this. So if you happen to read this on Tuesday, come back tomorrow and get a free copy of this amazing book I put a lot of effort into.

Five Heartbreaking Moments From Self-Publishing

Self-publishing a novel can be incredibly rewarding. It’s a way to surpass agents and constant rejection from query letters. Best of all, you have final say in your masterpiece. After I self-published my first novel I thought for sure there would be only positive moments to follow. Then I waited a week and realized the heartbreak continues. Here are five things you should prepare your heart for when it comes to self-publishing.

1) Copies Sold: The biggest part of writing a book is how many copies it sells. You can write a masterpiece, but if nobody buys it then that means nobody is reading it. If nobody is reading it then what was the point? It’s like keeping the Mona Lisa as a bath mat in the guest bathroom of someone who never has anyone over. After self-publishing, it took a few months before I accepted I may never write a book that sells a million copies. I took it hard because I already made a down payment on a yacht made of pure gold.

2) Refunds: It feels great when you sell a book, especially when you know it’s to a complete stranger. Sometimes these strangers will purchase the book then ask for a refund. Why? Why did you want your money back for my product I poured my heart into? On certain self-publishing services you can see why they asked for a refund. My first refund someone reported their credit card stolen. As much as I hate thieves, I must say this one has good taste. When people ask for a refund the author is often left wondering if it was because the product didn’t meet expectations or if the purchaser bought the wrong thing. People are always buying the wrong thing. My dad bought us barbecue sauce thinking it was ketchup for five years. We were all too afraid of him to ever say anything.

3) Reviews: Many independent authors rely on the reviews above anything else. When you are essentially unrecognizable to the public, a good review can convince someone to buy your book instead of passing it over for vampire erotica. A good key to reviews is to have your friends and family leave the first ones, without of course making it too obvious that you know each other. It’s inevitable that eventually a bitter troll will come along, read your book, and then leave a negative review. When they do, get ready to cry and think about giving up on your dreams. Never give up on your dreams though, unless you are older than 35. After that they probably never will come true.

4) Typos/Errors: When you write long-form it can be a lot more difficult to properly edit. English is a language with so many strange rules that sometimes are acceptable and sometimes are not. It starts with the whole letter Y sometimes being a vowel. Shouldn’t it just always be a vowel? After you publish your book you may read through it and suddenly find a very obvious error. To avoid this you can always have your book professionally edited. Usually though the cost of paying an editor will far exceed the amount you will make from sales. You have to determine whether it’s worth it or not. Hopefully you can find intelligent friends to help find any errors in your writing willing to do it for the price of your friendship. Seriously. Threatening to never talk to someone ever again if they don’t help you out is a great loyalty test.

5) Does Anybody Like It?: By far the most important thing is whether or not anybody actually likes the book. You can be a fantastic writer forever, but if you cannot tell an original and captivating story that meets the reader’s expectations then you have failed. Do people like the books I have self-published? I have no idea. I am still not sure if many people even like me. The most rewarding thing that can happen to you after you self-publish a novel is when someone out of the blue mentions they read your work. Most people are genuinely nice and if they bring it up unsolicited it usually means they enjoyed what they read. Then they ask you for a favor and you remember why you wrote a character based on them who gets killed.

Child with learning difficulties

(People with ADD never dwell on the past. It’s beautiful in some ways really…until they start screaming for no reason at all)

This isn’t your standard infomercial. I’m not going to try selling you an inferior product promising you rock hard abs or a vibrating condom that can cure male pattern baldness. Instead I am simply going to bug you once more about the first book I wrote because it’s a new year and I’m convinced people forget things from year to year.

I won’t try a hard-sell or anything because where will that get me? All I’ll simply say is I would be forever grateful if you bothered to read my book. I’ve got a few others written and am either in the process of editing them or staring at them screaming “Fucking make sense damn it” because they don’t fucking make much sense, damn it. Really, there are way too many plot holes. But not in this book I am promoting. It’s solid and makes sense. I wouldn’t sell you something I didn’t believe in. Before disrobing for a woman I always say “Hey listen, I know you’ve probably seen those Abercrombie and Fitch models and stuff. Look at my clothes. Do you see an Abercrombie and Fitch logo? No. I just want you to know what you’re getting yourself into.” Then I get naked and she tells me to pay her because she’s got to hand the money off to her pimp before the last train ride back to Harlem.

flight_time__special_k

(They make Harlem seem so much friendlier than we all know it really is. Thank you Flight Time and Special K)

But really what I’m trying to say is here’s a video I made from a Podcast I did back in October. If you want to listen to the full Podcast you can go here FULL EPISODE by clicking on the green download button and not the green start button in the advertisement like I did which caused me way too much trouble. But more importantly than that, this is a part of the recording where the focus is on me which I always enjoy.

For more information and direct links to obtaining a copy of this magnificent masterpiece you can go here SATAN LITTLE LEAGUE SUPERSTAR or like I lazily said, just Google it.

I will also say I don’t mind at all giving out a free copy to anyone. In fact, I would love to give you all free copies because that’s the kind of guy I am, one who desperately would like for more people to actually read this book.

For a free copy go to SMASHWORDS.COM, sign-up for a free account, click buy on the book, and then when asked for a coupon use XZ78R. This will knock the price down to $0 and you will be charged nothing. You don’t have to enter any credit card information or anything like that. It’s absolutely free and you can buy a million copies. Maybe not. But that would be really cool if someone bought 3 million copies. I think I’d get in trouble so don’t buy that many. But get one for yourself, your family, and all your friends. Or at the very least watch the video I made. I guess that’s it. If you read all this, watched the video, and made a purchase I probably took away 30 minutes of your time. I’m sorry, thank you.

P.S. Okay I had this sitting in the drafts since mid-December so I can add a little more, no? If you’re interested at all in a paperback copy those are also available. You can either buy it from Amazon or Create Space eStore or contact me directly and get it for far cheaper. I’ll let you choose your own price, granted it must be at least $2.79 but then there’s shipping and handling and by then you’re taking out a second mortgage. Contacting me directly means you also get a copy autographed by the author, Satan, and Jesus. Most importantly watch the video. It’s free, fun, and it’s almost even a little bit of a promotion for the book I let you all know about last week.

Oh speaking of last week’s book, thanks to everyone who picked up a free copy. Be sure to leave a review. I ended up giving out almost 150 free copies in those 3 days it was available so the more reviews the more likely someone might purchase it and I can afford to keep my electricity on. I’ll shut up now. Watch the video. And look at this picture of hot new releases! By that I don’t mean a fresh dog poo in wintertime either.

hot new releases

book cover jpeg