Posts Tagged ‘nudity’

I have nude photographs of myself. I have nude photographs of other people. Sometimes I know the people and sometimes I don’t. Sometimes they know me and sometimes they don’t because I drop it in their shopping cart then quickly run out of Shop Rite. What matters most is that people have seen me naked and I have seen them too.

The number of people who have seen me naked is pretty limited. The last one was a bug-eyed man taking a pee break next to me. I guess that doesn’t qualify as naked though, does it? Nudity is more than your genitals. Nudity also involves your shoulder, although in this instance I was dressed like Olivia Newton John with my shoulder strap down slightly.

physical1(So maybe her shoulder straps weren’t pulled down after all. I just can’t get over all of the fat men in diapers)

I am picky about who gets to see me naked. Not just any stranger gets the reward. Say for instance I want to go streaking. I will scream at people I do not want to see me naked to “turn around you’re making me uncomfortable, kid!”

I have seen other people naked too. I don’t like seeing boys naked. It’s like looking into a mirror or a paralel universe where I’m black and thicker in certain areas. Penises are great in their own right; capable of doing the job while still being as goofy as a Great Dane and coming in all shapes and sizes. Vaginas are more like Chinese people, all looking the same. I think I made that observation before because it sounds very familiar. Or maybe I have been horny and racist for longer than I thought.

As I type this I am not however horny. I am not naked either. I have a hat on I am unexposed. If someone where to walk in on me right now I would be like “Hey look I’m totally comfortable because only my hands and face are exposed, this isn’t enough nudity for me to feel insecure about although I do have dry skin on my face and hands so this is still not fun.” I would probably not say all of that, instead opting to just gasp then maybe take off my pants to scare them away.

kenny(This is how I look every day when I leave the house for my walk to work and then all day when I’m at work because there is no heat and my office is in a windowless closet. I made it!)

Nude photographs are a good present to give people even if they didn’t ask for it. The same way a cat will poop in your mouth while you are sleeping to let you know they love you, giving someone a nude photograph of yourself is a kind gesture. They don’t have to be fully nude either. My annual Christmas cards I mail out all have a stocking over my junk with the capture “Well, my stocking is stuffed!” In previous years I wore a Santa hat but this year I could not find it.

How many nude photographs of yourself do you own? How many of other people? Want to trade?

Oh and so I’m not disappointing you, here is a censored nude photograph of myself.



Posted: September 12, 2011 in September 2011
Tags: , ,

You live in a world where you can go to Google Images, type in your favorite cartoon character’s name followed by the word “naked” and yield results. It’s true. Try it. Isn’t that sick? I bet you never thought you’d see Buzz Lightyear doing that.

I can’t remember the first time I stumbled upon this artwork. I do remember the first picture I saw. It was one of Marge Simpson breast-feeding and Bart sitting next to her pleasuring himself to it. Marge was angry. Justifiably so. That couch they have in their living room is too nice to have naked 10 year old boy ass on it.

The strangest thing about this phenomenon that seems to be sweeping the nation is that none of our favorite cartoon characters ever seem to be partaking in traditional sex acts. There’s always a thumb in someone’s butt and they’re filled with incest. I guess if you get turned by seeing Snow White in the front of a train of dwarfs, it won’t bother you very much to see Jasmine from Aladdin going down on her tiny fat father. And when I say tiny and fat I’m not talking about his body. He’s hung like a mini-Coke can.

I wonder though, who draws these pictures? Are they people like you and me? Unless there is one guy out there, one very talented yet sick individual, there must be an entire community of people who sketch these pictures for our viewing pleasure. Some of them I’m sure have families. Loving wives and troubled teenaged kids. Yet their one true talent must remain hidden from the world. It takes a certain skill to be able to draw a Princess in a lesbian love affair with a Mermaid.

This little niche community must go into hiding though because of those among us who persecute them. We say it’s sick and wrong. But really, who is being hurt? Unlike pornography with real people, no women are being degraded. No diseases are being spread. No child is being humiliated years later when friends discover what his mom did to afford her sweet car. The only line that can be drawn with this is if there are children involved. I don’t know the legality of it, but if it stops a real child from being molested then have at it. But then there can be a whole argument whether or not Pinocchio was always a real boy and that’s just a silly argument. If someone wants to draw Pinocchio naked, go ahead. I support you. His nose practically is a cock. He’s made of wood so it’s predictable to know that he’ll have an erection.

Everyone has the right to spend their easily earned money however they want. Some of us will spend it on toys for our children. The rest will probably spend it on naked pictures of Cinderella, Bambi, and the mom from Toy Story. I think the artists of these pictures should come out of the shadows and let their faces be shown. There is no reason to hide. You have brought joy and humor to this world will give a few others a hard-on. You’ve slaved away for hours in making the nipple of a fake human being look extra red. You’re a rare commodity. A necessary one too. The only thing to fear is losing your family, friends, and dignity. I think it’s worth it to get the credit that you deserve.