Posts Tagged ‘obama’

I’m going to talk about politics here again. I read a book about politics recently. Actually it wasn’t a book. It was a movie. And I didn’t watch the movie. I saw the cover. I’m not even quite positive the movie was about politics. There was a white guy in a suit looking very presidential with a “What has America gotten themselves into this time?” face. It doesn’t matter what the movie was or even what it was about. I don’t need to know a single thing about politics in order to vote. That’s what makes America wonderful. In dictatorships you need to know who is in charge and what part of your body they will slice off if you do not vote for him. Iraqis in the 1990s were more well-informed than anyone in my country ever will be.

(Would you believe people actually saw this movie poster, thought it looked good, paid money to see it, and still walked out of the theater happy? I don’t for a second)

I was driving to work recently when I saw a really hot jogger. She had strong thick legs, little shorts on, and a face I would like to scrape off with a knife it was so adorable. She got me thinking about what it is about me she would hate most. Would she hate that I’m no jogger? Would it be my frugalness? Or maybe we would not see eye-to-eye on religion? Politics is always something I disagree with women on. Mostly because my stance on abortion and gay marriage is so abnormal. I believe abortion should be illegal and the baby should then be married off to a gay man. It’s a nice compromise. The Republicans get no dead babies and the Democrats get happy gays. I tried writing a paper on this back in high school. The teacher quit and was arrested a week later for trying to blow up a plane with a shoe bomb he hated America so much.

During my political thinking I have determined a way for the Democrats to remain in office for almost ever. It’s not a guarantee or anything it would always work. Definitely after Obama though. It’s a bit scary though because it’s never good to have the same political people in power for too long. It’s nice for a switch between Republicans, Democrats, and Whigs. Whenever any idea of thinking is in charge for too long we end up in a funk where the angry people get angrier and the happy people get cockier. This is why I hate elections. People are always extremely pissed or extremely cocky like they had anything to do with the victory. Everyone turns to me and wants to know my opinion. I joke and say I wanted whichever candidate had the cuter butt to win. I’ve never seen it, but I have a feeling Obama has a nice one.

(I’m not saying this does, but it might belong to Obama)

Here is my plan to keep the Democrats in office forever. Not that I want it really. I like a good mix of bad guy/good guy in charge. My idea is to always have a charming black guy with a pearly white smile run as their candidate. Basically every 8 years all they need is a new Obama. This won’t last forever. Even the most open-minded white person will get sick of seeing a black face in charge. Let’s be honest, we would all vote for someone who looked like us. A presidential candidate with the same name as me could run with a crazy belief system and I would vote for him on the fact we have the same name. That’s what this country has come down to, we vote for whoever we would want to have a beer with. Who wants to have a beer with a Republican? We all know black people are so much more fun to party with.

I think a lot of people who voted for Obama did so because they wanted to be a part of history. It’s like whenever any sports record is broken. We don’t care if the guy is on steroids, beats his wife, or has killed a person. We want to be there to witness something every dead person never has. I’m not saying all Obama fans are ill-informed and only voted for him because it was trendy, the thing people with white guilt do, he was Democratic and Republicans are evil, and his name is funny. If you’re over 25 I believe maybe you actually know stuff about the guy. Under this age barrier, I’m pretty sure you get all your news from Comedy Central. If the lead-in to your main news source is South Park then I don’t consider you a very unbiased person.

Gun to my head, who would I vote for? I would vote for Obama. It’s simple really. I am in the income level a Democrat would be under. Now until I manage to make enough money I will remain a little more left wing than right. Once I make millions of dollars by golly I am going to want to keep it. Politics are simple. Democrats want money. Republicans want to keep their own money. When a Democrat accumulates enough cash he becomes a Republican. This is why old people are Republicans and young people are Democrats, money. Young people have no money because they spend whatever they can on condoms, concerts, and chimichangas. Old people can no longer reproduce, all their favorite musicians are dead, and eating beans will kill their colons. So until I own a mansion I will lean slightly to the left because this benefits my interests at the point I am at in my life right now.

(Eastwood used to be a Democrat. He got so distraught he almost killed himself. Then he became successful and didn’t think he should have to share his personal achievements with idiots who stood in his way. I don’t care how crazy you get Clint. With a simple thousand yard stare and a simple “Yeah” you said more than we ever could. Now go paint your wagon)

What do I believe will happen this November? Obama will win. He hasn’t done anything to make his supporters hate him. As long as the economy doesn’t get any worse the Democrats will stay in power. Once the economy does get worse the poor people will want a change. Then they’ll look at the tax breaks the Republican candidate is putting out and see things aren’t so bad the way they are. Politicians need to learn to manipulate the United States citizens. They need to lie to us and make promises they never keep. Don’t be a donkey or an elephant. Be a snake. If politicians were for once willing to get their hands dirty and screw over a few more people then maybe they could gain some control and never leave office. They’ll be in power for so long that we will not even be given a choice for anyone else to vote for. Doesn’t this sound nice and simple?

This November is a big one for the United States of America. On the first Tuesday after the first Monday is Election Day. It is on this day where droves of old people drive out to elementary schools early in the morning to vote, teenage adults cast their ballots based on who Stephan Colbert likes most, and people like me wonder how this can be considered a holiday if I still have to go to work. There are of course other positions being voted upon other than president. We don’t really care about them until they do something silly like accept money from the mafia or kill an intern. Whether we take notice or not, they are the candidates for the political positions. They make tough decisions on how we should live our lives. Here is their story.

Actually no. I’m not going to talk about different political candidates. I don’t want to leave out my Canadian, English, or Indian readers. The Patel and Singh Families would be completely lost. Do Indian people ever have a last name other than Patel or Singh? People outside the United States probably don’t have any idea who Barack Obama even is. I mean, I have no clue who their leader is so why would they know mine? I’m a smart American. I took geography and eat at a French restaurant once a week. I know more about the world than anyone else.

(I have to admit, this is pretty much what I was taught in school)

What I really want to say today is that I am officially announcing my candidacy. Not for any particular position. I would prefer president. They make the most money. The Washington Nationals are also doing pretty good this season and I wouldn’t mind riding the bandwagon in town. I would willingly accept other political positions. Not in any shit town in the middle of nowhere though. Places where you settle arguments with midget tossing do not peak my interest. These are the same towns wealth is measured by the girth of your daughter’s stomach. If you live in a place like this please do not cast your vote for me. Unless I can win M&M’s. I’ve been craving them and won’t feel guilty about eating a bag if given to me via contest victory.

What would I exactly bring to the table as a politician? Things would never be uninteresting. Between the parody songs on television making fun of me and the violent Anarchy on the streets, you will never be bored. But I do have an actual platform. If elected I will grant one wish for every person I rule with an iron fist over. I would go off Genie from Aladdin rules. No bringing anyone back from the dead, no killing anyone, I cannot make someone fall in love with you, and no helping out a Ginger. I know that wasn’t in the movie, but the term Ginger wasn’t popular back then. Plus they figured if they added it in they might look foolish for coming out with The Little Mermaid. It was a rule though. Check the deleted scenes. It’s right after the one where Aladdin is racially profiled at the airport.

(So that’s why he doesn’t wear shoes! Saves him the hassle when he tries flying on Continental)

A presidential election lasts four years long. Unless you get shot. I don’t plan on getting shot as president. I will make us an isolated country. The army’s job would be to protect our borders. No longer will those filthy Alaskans be allowed into our fine country. I would spend most of these four years sitting down with those who have earned a wish. I’m pretty sure most of the wishes would be spending a day with me or possibly a simple kiss on the cheek. Trust me, I am a fantastic cheek kisser. I never miss! Start thinking about your wish now. Like a first impression, you only get one. Except when you’re talking to your grandpa. He thinks you’re someone different each time you visit.

The perfect thing about having me as a politician is I have no dirt on me. None that I’m hiding at least. Yes I’ve said “fuck” in public. Of course I’ve called a woman a whore. There is no doubt I’ve farted and blamed a non-existent dog. I’ve done everything that gets a president impeached. There will be no shocking moments from my past. You elected Obama for change? How’s this for a change, no more lies. I will tell you exactly what the score is with Roswell. I’ll let you know what really happened on 9/11. Have you ever been interested in knowing the names of each Illuminati member? Casting your vote for me will get you this. Act now and I’ll throw in a crappy exercise band all for free.

(I’m so sure this is all she ever does. Too bad they don’t show her arguing at Denny’s about how she can’t eat anything boiled during her cut)

Never have I run for office before. I’m not one of those fat cats with experience. Experience? More like tired and old. Practice does not make perfect. Practice makes you robotic. You’re joining a movement. A revolution. I will make sure you each become a member of the 1%! Mostly because I plan on myself being the .0005% as I will have a few hundred gazillion dollars. But you’ll all be equal and isn’t that what America is about? Equality and making the same amount of money as everyone else? There’s nothing more Democratic than that.

The time is nigh. Do you want politicians who do not grant wishes, hide secrets of aliens, and are poor kissers of the cheek? Of course you don’t. You’re a sane person who has everything figured out. Vote for me. Whatever it is, give me your vote.

Anyone who comes up with a great campaign slogan gets to be my running mate. If the position I win does not have a running mate than I’ll buy you a six-pack of Heineken instead.