Posts Tagged ‘offensive’

What’s the greatest thing about white males? Is it how dominant we are? How everything except for peanut butter and the film Juno were invented by us? Really, white males are the undisputed champions of people. Yeah we die a lot and we’re kind of pricks. Remember though, God is a white male. It’s only natural that we are so incredibly awesome.

(This is what it looks like to me any time a group of white men are together. Except for maybe Dean Cain. He looks kind of Spanish here)

For some of you, this opening paragraph may have offended. Here are the people I think it may have offended most. First and foremost, women. Women are pretty easy to offend. All you have to do is make them feel less superior. A simple way to do that is quoting any textbook before 1965. Secondly, non-white people. Non-white people are offended by things because they aren’t always identified by a color or a made up word like Caucasian. At least calling someone African or Asian lets you know where they’re from. There’s not place called Caucasia. If it did exist that would be quite a paradise. A place with only white people? I’d probably have at least one home run record if I lived there. The only other group of people whom may have been offended were those that believe God isn’t a white guy. I mean come on. How ridiculous is that? He clearly is. Look at the Sistine Chapel. God clearly looks like a Frenchman.

 (“Oui Oui” – Ted 11:83. I can’t believe this image hangs on the top of a church)

I don’t like to offend people. Well, I do, but I don’t. I like to offend people to the point where their opinion sways. I hate to offend people and then get into an argument with them. I’m not a confrontational person. I hate having thick lips puttering in front of my face telling me I’m wrong. That’s why I usually keep my opinions to myself. Except on this blog. If I really don’t like you I can always block you or point out how lame you are for getting mad about something you read on the Internet.

I’m not a fan of people who are easily offended. I understand certain things should offend people. I can’t think of an example, but I’m sure it’s out there. And there’s a difference between being “offended” and actually hating someone’s actions. Someone doing something evil isn’t offensive, it’s just a bastard-move. So don’t say a murderer offends you. Say he’s someone who does bastard-moves and you’re quite displeased with it.

 (Amanda Knox, bastard-movist. No way this sweet face is guilty)

If you’re reading this, chances are not much offends you. I know my readers, they’re pretty tame on that scale. But I’m sure one lame ass is here. Possibly looking for pictures of tennis players or something else stupid. For you, easily offended douche, I want to help you get over your childish need to feel your heart sink whenever something hits a nerve. Here is a quick guide on how to stop being such a pussy.

Stop being important! That’s the first thing you need to do. Realize that your problems aren’t the most important ones in the world. Anyone who is easily offended is full of themselves. They think the issues they care about should be the most dominant ones in the hearts of the rest of us. And what makes an issue important to someone? It affects them. It’s simple, people only care about issues that involve them. You think I really care about gay marriage, affirmative action, or the music program at the local high school? I don’t. Not one bit. I’m never marrying a guy, have even less of a chance of being black, and if I ever join a high school musical class chances are I’m a gay black person already.

Things that offend people are always jokes. Nobody gets offended by a movie about a particular sensitive subject, but a joke about it will offend. Because not everyone takes their issue/problem as seriously as they do, they try to make the rest of us the bad guys. “You can’t make fun of that! That happened to me!” Shut your face. I never got being offended by something somebody else said. Why not fight back? It’s such a coward move to cringe and stick your chin up then say “That’s offensive.” Yes, and? Stop being a wimp before someone hits you in your high and mighty moral jaw.

(The way all easily offended people should turn out)

Now I doubt anyone reading this, whether it be true or not, thinks they are easily offended. Nobody would admit to that. That’s why the phrase “I love to laugh, but–” exists. Truth is, most people have horrible senses of humor. What makes a person have a bad sense of humor? Being offended by a joke ever. It’s one thing to feel uncomfortable or to acknowledge how much it stunk, but really be truly offended the same way you would feel if someone hurt you deeply is silly.

I guess my point through this whole “rant” was to hopefully get one person to read this and think “Hey, I am a big baby. I need to stop only caring about my own agenda and let other people do what they want.” I think I missed the mark though. It’s like I was playing darts in the bar and instead of hitting the board I put the dart into the nutsack of the bartender standing 10 feet behind me. Anyway, keep not being offended. Creative people usually aren’t. So if you’re offended easily, you’re not creative. Stop making shitty flute music and photography.

What offends you? The only thing that offends me are people who are oblivious to how much they suck. And don’t worry, I am aware of my suck factor.

(Walter White, resident of New Mexico)

Calling someone a New Mexican is the most offensive term that I can think you could call a person. There are already Mexicans, why do we need New Mexicans? Are Mexicans obsolete?

In the United States, there are lots of “New” places. New York, New Jersey, New Hampshire, New England; as well as countless other tinier, shittier, places in these states and areas that begin with the word New. There was never anything wrong with the old York, the old Jersey, the old Hampshire (except for the prostitutes being overweight), or the old England. The people who named these places lacked originality, but they could either name the place after an old favorite city of theirs or some complicated Native American name. Chipoqupequa is hard to spell and may not even exist. Taking a city that you’re already familiar with and throwing the word “New” in front of it is much easier. Remember, back in those days everyone had to write letters. Hand write! Benjamin Franklin never browsed the Internet. He was too busy stealing quotes from Yogi Berra. That sneak!

(“A penny saved is a penny earned.” – Yogi Berra, 1784)

The state of New Mexico is different from the rest. It’s newer and we had already come up with more clever names for our states by then, like Ohio and West Virginia. My problem with calling this state New Mexico is that I don’t think the regular-old-plain-smelly country of Mexico is done. Calling a place New York isn’t nearly as insulting. York is a city. Mexico, a country. Calling a place New Mexico is like saying “We can do a better job than you can and we’re only one lousy state, not an entire country. Ha Ha! Nenny-Nenny. Boo Boo!”

New Mexico is much smaller than Mexico. I don’t have the exact number in front of me, I’d have to minimize the pornography on the screen in order to do that. I do believe however that New Mexico does have a lot of Mexicans. I guess it makes them New Mexicans. New and improved. They’re the latest model of the T-Bird. Out with the old, in with the new. It’s like in Terminator when Arnold’s cyborg was no longer the best and that chick came in as the best and most up to date cyborg. Too nerdy or obscure? Okay, how about when Darth Vader rebuilt the Death Star with a much stronger shield? Yeah, that’s as non-nerdy of a comparison I can make.

What’s the solution to this New Mexico problem? Change the name–of Mexico! They’re long due for an overhaul. Many great places change their names. Tokyo used to be Edo. France used to be Gaul. Istanbul used to be Constantinople (thank you They Might Be Giants). Iraq used to be Persia. The People’s Republic of the Congo used to be Congo. See, there are many tremendously amazing places that have gotten a new name and remained successful. It’s not like any of those places ever bombed Pearl Harbor, are hated imperialistic cowards, are in countries named after birds, harbor terrorists, or perform female circumcision against the will of the female, respectively. I don’t know what we could call Mexico. It’s up to their trusting government. They must really like their guys they got in charge. They always win the elections every year. It’s like how Saddam Hussein won the presidency all those times despite it being against the law to serve so many terms. But he was The People’s Champ and the people spoke–with guns to the back of their heads.