Posts Tagged ‘osama bin laden’

In 1984 a film came out called Revenge of the Nerds. I never saw the whole thing, but based on the five minutes I saw when it aired on Comedy Central a few years ago I can pretty much figure out what it was about. Plus, it was the 1980s where all comedies were just trying to be Caddyshack.

1980s Comedy Math:

Attractive White Male = Bad, Stupid, Greedy

Everyone Else = Good, Intelligent, Righteous

Osama Bin Laden, Kim Jong-Un, Jodi Arias, Casey Anthony, and Joseph Kony all say hello to this flawed formula because bad guys can come in all ethnicities and sexes. I guess there are actually only two sexes. Not to mention, are transsexuals ever evil?

I’m no expert when it comes to subcultures because I try to stay away from associating myself with phony attention-seeking young people. I still think I know enough about this topic to blog about. All you really need in order to qualify as a blogger are working fingers so I’m good.

chris elliott(Could not blog)

It was around 2005 during the height of MySpace when the “emo” fad was all the rage. Emo is essentially the further pussification from the early 90s started by Kurt Cobain. As much as I appreciate what Nirvana did, they were probably the 4th best grunge band from Seattle out of 4. His melodramatic ramblings got a little tiresome. He wanted to title his last album “I Hate Myself and I Want to Die.” Shut up Kurt. If you could have been a little more motivated to actually show some joy that music brought you then maybe a few other people would have stopped sitting around feeling sorry for themselves.

(Try to ignore how gross Mickey Rourke is)

Furthermore, punk bands from the 1990s began to show weakness too. Green Day who started off as the newest cool punk band started playing the acoustic guitar and singing about break-ups. Imagine Johnny Rotten with an acoustic guitar singing about sadness. Calling Green Day a punk band is an insult. Just because someone dyes their hair and can’t sing doesn’t mean they’re punk.

GreenDay1126(Looking like a Tim Burton character doesn’t make you punk. They think they’re so funny)

So by this point we’re at around 2005. The boy band craze is pretty much over, but women still need male musicians to admire. In came bands like Dashboard Confessional and My Chemical Romance that glorified being a wimp. Worse than that, they masqueraded as rock bands. They wore makeup and had an anti-authority attitude. It’s great when bands are anti-authority. The problem with this new wave is they hated authority because authority was “mean” not because anarchy is badass.

The emo fad was one of the phoniest things to happen in my lifetime. Keep in mind I was not alive during the Kennedy Assassination, Moon Landing, and I don’t consider Barack Obama the real president of the United States until I see a birth certificate and he can beat me in an arm-wrestling match to prove his worth. Emo girls tended to have colorful hair and makeup drenched faces. Emo boys were the same except they claimed to have penises. This has not yet been confirmed.

emo tranny(No clue what this thing is supposed to be)

Emo kids eventually realized what they were doing was dumb. Who should spend so much time on such silly nonsense like filtering a picture to make themselves look better? Emo died out and before we knew it, hipsters came around.

Let me say this about hipsters. Hipster girls are incredibly attractive. That is, until you talk to them. Do you know what makes a hipster girl attractive? Accessories. Like ancient tribal people who covered themselves in tattoos, piercings, jewels, shrunken head necklaces of enemies, and so on, hipsters are attractive because of these accessories. Hipster girls are like a plate full of fruit to me. When I see a plate with grapes, blueberries, strawberries, kiwi, and more, it looks like the most amazing tasting thing ever. Then I take a bite and I wish I had ice cream instead. If you need colorful hair, fancy makeup, or a certain outfit to represent who you are, you’re pretty hollow inside.

apocalypto1(Ancient Mayans or someone trying to be trending by adding on a lot of tattoos and jewelry? If you said Ancient Mayans then you would be wrong because these are just actresses pretending to be Mayans. There were no color photographs back then stupid)

So we’re living in an era of hipsters. We know all about them. They preach being yourself while doing everything but being themselves. You’re cool when you don’t strive for anything in life. Their theory is that you should do what you want to do. Of course not all hipsters are this way, but I think you’re even more ridiculous if you are a hipster who doesn’t think this way. A Nazi who likes the Jews makes no sense. They’re just a sheep that way. And yes, I’m calling hipsters Nazi sheep.

The hipster’s big thing these days seems to be embracing their inner nerd. Ummm fuck you. There’s a difference between enjoying Star Wars and being a nerd. There’s a difference between pretending to enjoy art and being a nerd. Nerds are antisocial, obsessive, socially inept, and smart. If you go out every week to a club or to a bar with your large group of friends, you are none of those. You are not a nerd. Did you know Dr. Seuss invented the word nerd? So if you consider yourself a nerd then you’re Nerkle and Seersucker too.

Watching The Big Bang Theory doesn’t make you a nerd. Knowing science jokes doesn’t make you a nerd. Having social anxiety doesn’t make you a nerd. A nerd is not something you should embrace to be. Nerd is an insult. It’s a second N-word with the same meaning behind it. Stop pretending to be a nerd. You have a few nerd qualities. You’re not smart enough to be a real nerd.

sexy nerd

(I’m so sure she’s a nerd. Her hobbies include reading books about HTML, knowing facts about nuclear fusion, and not leaving her basement for weeks at a time because the world is an unwelcoming place for her. Yeah, I’m not buying it)

We all have a mortal enemy. Some of us haven’t met him or her yet. Most of will marry that person. It’s a cruel joke played on us by the Universe. I like having villains in my life. It makes me feel more like Batman, the guy who I insisted that I would grow up to be like. I never liked Superman. His villains were a bald high school rival and a “bizarre” version of himself. It always made me think of Seinfeld. I can’t root for a Jewish superhero. I’m sorry, I don’t think Moyle Boy is a great idea.

Right now I don’t know who my mortal enemy is. I’ve crushed all of my previous ones. I never really had a high school rival or anything similar to that. Nobody wanted to be good at the things I excelled in. The “Being Ignored” and “Not Getting Laid” teams had little competition on them. It’s a dark time when you don’t have a natural rival.

If I go big picture, I have tons of enemies. All Japanese people. I still haven’t forgiven them for their actions during the Revolutionary War. They could have easily helped us Americans out. No, we had to rely on the French. The Japanese are a bunch of unhelpful perverts. Another enemy I have are all of the terrorists in the world. The towel on the head kind and the cyber kind. I don’t like the towel kind because I hate people who waste laundry items. 9/11 didn’t help them either. The cyber kind annoy me because what they do is hack into my Myspace account and spam my friends. There’s no telling what they’ve done to my Myspace by now. I haven’t been on it in close to 40 years! Margin of error 37 years.

Locally there are some enemies in my own country. Politicians, neighbors, slow-moving gas station attendants; they’re all almost as bad as terrorists. I’m sure some of them are terrorists. Politicians are villainous because they tell me how to run my life. They don’t own me. They can’t tell me what I do with my body. If I want a belly button piercing, I will get a belly button piercing. I guess that isn’t a hot button issue in Washington, but I would like to make it one. Men should never have their belly buttons pierced. I don’t think they should ever even call it a belly button. It should just be stomach vagina. My neighbors are villainous for much for volatile reasons. The people above me are loud and yell every Sunday at each other. One says they’re leaving for good now and an hour later the mean woman is on her balcony cursing on her cell phone. We seriously can’t be the same species as those people. My other neighbors never pick up after their dogs and let one of their dogs run around without a leash. We’re in an apartment complex with a road in front of us. There are a lot of gang members in the area hence a lot of speedy drivers. Show some love for your 5 pound dog and tie a shoe lace around its neck if you’re so poor because your giant TV cost too much. Gas station attendants are not nearly as awful as I had thought they were now that I think about politicians and my neighbors. They’re actually polite for the most part. Scratch them off the list of villains in my life and replace them with cashiers that don’t ask me how I am. I look forward to saying “Good” to a strange. Lies are fun.

Still, there are no villains in the world right now that we can really celebrate the death of. I guess the most evil man alive would be Kim Jong-Il. Or maybe it’s the “president” of Iran who doesn’t think there are any gay people in his country. How ugly are the men in Iran that none are attracted to each other? Open up a LA Fitness and I guarantee you that he’ll finally open up his eyes and see a lot of GayRanians.

I remember the night that Osama Bin Laden died. Everyone was so happy and it made me think, where is the line that we can celebrate someone being shot in the face? I was as happy as the next guy (unless the next guy was Osama), but all my life I’ve been made to believe that life is precious no matter whose life it is. Everyone I knew believed it. Then we were all so ecstatic when The Notorious O.B.L. got his retina blown out. I guess that’s the ultimate sign of a villain. When your morals are completely turned upside down. We need more villains in this world. When you think about it, they bring us closer together in the end. So go out there and create havoc and Anarchy. Your death might inspire handshakes among those who thought they were enemies when really you were the one we all despised.

(This is a real picture that I managed to capture on CNN the night OBL was killed. I found it hilarious)

“The enemies of my friends are the friends of my enemies of the friends that are my friends of my enemies who are not my enemies of my friends.” – A Famous Quote