Posts Tagged ‘paranoia’

I am not a violent person. I’ve never really been in a fight outside of recess and those always ended with someone crying because they got dirt on their sweat pants or landed on their favorite Pokemon card. Despite my non-violent ways I used to feel the need to carry weapons on me when I was an older teenager. For probably two years or so I always had at least one knife hidden in my pocket. Was I paranoid? No. Not at all. I thought I was a badass to carry around illegal concealed weapons. Today I brag about all of the cool street fighting weapons I have owned as well as tossing around some advice on how to use them for a quick kill.

Swiss Army Knives: Don’t worry, they get more violent than this. I’ve always had at least one Swiss Army knife to my name at all times. Right now as I type this I see two of them. Swiss Army knives aren’t very useful to me because I don’t drink and never have to cut bomb wires. The only way you could ever kill someone with a Swiss Army knife would be to get them a shot to the eye. A nice corkscrew to a pupil will do a lot of damage. Of course, you could also attack the anus, man’s most vulnerable spot. The anus is always a kill shot as we learned in Ben Hur or Spartacus (what’s the difference?).

(You know an army is lame when they have their own fragrance)

“Real” Army Knife: I call this my Army knife because it has an eagle on it. This was the first knife I had where you could probably actually kill someone with a gut shot. The eagle image has since faded but it had a lot of good times. This is also the only knife I have that ever drew blood. I would like to say it did not happen when I was trying to scare a friend and I cut my own finger with it but that would be a lie. The best place to use this to kill someone would be anywhere on the face. The anus would work well too.

Throwing Knives: Not only do I own three throwing knives of all different shapes, I also have a body straps they can be placed in and a knife throwing board. I haven’t used the board in years because if you miss then you end up with a knife wound in your wall. I only remember strapped the knives to my ankles once and it was while driving through the New Jersey Pine Barrens expecting to find the Jersey Devil or a 17 year old Snooki but of course back then I wouldn’t have known the difference. To kill someone with these knives it’s not so much about the location you hit your enemy in, it’s more about how hard and accurate you are with the throw. But if I had to say where you should aim it would be the anus.

Brass Knuckles: Otherwise known as paper weights by people who are easily fooled into thinking weapons have other uses, brass knuckles are a favorite among tough guys. I’m not very good at throwing punches so I haven’t had much use for these. I would probably be better off hoping my enemy tripped on the brass knuckles or got his fat fingers stuck in them. You can’t really kill someone with brass knuckles since it’s more about your own strength. However I did read in Judo: A Gentle Beginning that a nice shot to the anus with a pair of brass knuckles may cause major damage.

(The most popular book in my elementary school. It literally took me 3 years on the waiting list to check it out. Did I read it? No. How could someone named Jeannette know fighting techniques?)

Old Memorabilia: I guess I wouldn’t use these for anything other than scaring a naked girl tied to my bed since they’re actual war memorabilia but they should be mentioned. I own a Soviet Bayonet and a German pocket knife from the 1940s with this weird symbol on it that looks like two Z’s crossing each other. The bayonet is pretty intimidating and thick. You could easily slice someone’s throat with it or cut out a man’s anus. The German knife seems more like it was something probably used for cutting bread. The symbol on it looks way too peaceful.

Butterfly Knife: Butterfly knives are incredibly awesome and I have one. This was the knife I would carry on me a lot because it was fun to play with. It’s like a sharp nunchuck. I like the word nunchuck. It makes me think of throwing a religious woman out a window. The butterfly knife is more for flash than anything else. Do I need to say the best way to kill someone with one is to stab them in the anus? Didn’t think so.

(How can someone who can do such a cool thing look so lame?)

Switchblade: One time someone asked me for a comb and I accidentally handed them my switchblade. He was blind so instead of slicking back his hair he scalped himself. The problem with switchblades is you have to grease them up to keep them fast. I use oatmeal soap so I can no longer use my own forehead to grease up the knife. Switchblades are good for attacking hands or wrists. I’m not sure how one would work on an anus but I would guess very well.

Machete: Probably my most dangerous weapon if you don’t count my charm or my ability to drop things on people’s heads. Despite its size and reputation, the machete is pretty cute. It has my name carved on it and even has a sticker from the manufacturer. This is the latest weapon I’ve received as I found it pointless to keep stocking up on the same old things. We all know machetes are great for chopping off heads. I would keep the machete away from any anuses as it would be way too messy. Machetes can do a lot but one thing they cannot is solve bloody anus stains on the carpet. Stick with chopping off heads or arms if you ever think about getting one.

(The only picture I bothered to take of my weapons. I keep a lot of strange things in the fridge. The machete is there because it dulls the blade and makes it easier to cut through bone. I’m making that up)

Do you own any badass weapons? Guns are not badass. Guns are like more expensive slingshots.