Posts Tagged ‘parents’

Did you have bad parents? If so maybe you’ll enjoy this piece I wrote about the 10 things parents do to ruin their kids’ lives.

10 Things Parents do to Ruin Their Children’s Lives

Whenever someone wins an award they normally thank God, their parents, and Harvey Weinstein. I’m going to skip over the first and last because I am no expert on either of those guys. Let’s instead focus on parents, more specifically how they can ruin their children’s lives. By the time a person becomes an adult they usually have an opinion on their parents, whether or not mommy and/or daddy ruined their chances at happiness. There are many ways parents can ruin their children’s lives. Here are ten of them.

1) Divorce:

My parents are divorced. I wouldn’t say it ruined my life, but it surely never helped me sleep at night. The saddest fact about it was that their divorce took seven years to complete. For two fatalistic people, they sure did plan to die before finishing the paperwork. The lengthy divorce was more a matter of procrastination than dividing up assets, which may delay the divorce process in wealthier families. For some kids though, divorce can destroy them. They will feel unloved by one or both parents and some may even think it was partly their fault. I was one of the lucky few kids who always knew my parents loved me, even if their divorce proved to me that love is painful.

2) Selling the family house:

When you buy a house and have kids it’s an obligation to keep that house forever. You should die in that house, or at least in the driveway or after falling from the roof into the neighbor’s yard. Not having a home to retreat back to whenever things go wrong in life is an unsettling feeling for me. I like to go with the Metallica attitude of “where I lay my head is home” to ease my fears. Times are tough so I understand why some parents, mine included, will sell a house. Understanding why someone does something still doesn’t mean it isn’t ruining someone’s life. Where am I supposed to keep the things I no longer want, but am too sentimental to throw in the trash.

3) Missing important life events:

A good parent to me is someone who does whatever they can to not disappoint their child, within reason of course. My older sister will still bring up the fact that when she was younger our parents missed seeing her in a baton twirling competition or whatever you call their “games.” My sister gave up her dream of turning into a professional baton twirler because of this. I was not alive yet, but if I had to guess my parents most likely had a scheduling conflict between the competition and a nearby bar’s happy hour.

4) Abuse:

Child abuse is never a good thing to do. That may seem like a “needless to say” statement, but unfortunately it’s not. I know mentioning child abuse completely ruined any fun you had reading this. I still felt I couldn’t ignore it completely. Then again, not attending your daughter’s baton twirling competition is pretty abusive so call this redundancy to the previous item on my list.

5) Giving life to the kid:

Nobody asks to be born. For some kids the worst thing you can do to ruin their lives is to give them the life. Whatever plain we exist on before we enter this world is probably a lot more peaceful. So I guess the lesson to be learned with this one is to not even have kids. Sorry for ruining your time-killing plans for the next power outage.

6) Having more kids:

Children can be incredibly jealous creatures. That’s actually not fair. All people can be incredibly jealous creatures. Introducing a new child into the picture can create dire consequences. I’m no expert when it comes to being a parent. I have had every virtual pet I have ever owned die on me. For further information on how having more kids can ruin your kid’s life, please see the first Rugrats movie. Those kids almost get eaten by wolves because the parents decided to have another kid.

7) Behaving childish:

I have often wondered at what age or life event most or all of a person’s childish behavior should be placed behind them. I still have no answer. The only reasonable moment I can think of is when you become a parent. After you are a mother or father it’s time to accept responsibility for your mistakes more than ever before. Behaving like a child sets a bad example for your kids and it will create a cycle of idiots in your bloodline. There are enough of those already.

8) Providing poor guidance:

Schools may have guidance counselors, but it’s really the parent’s job to guide kids through life. The best advice I ever received from a guidance counselor was to start seeing a therapist. Thanks passing the buck lady. Parents need to make an effort to provide their children with a healthy and happy lifestyle. Letting your kid balloon up in weight is terrible, something that specifically happened to me. What my parents could have done differently was not reward me with food. A good report card meant a trip to Dairy Queen. I was a really smart kid too, one who always got good grades because I loved my ice cream. Where did it get me? By the time I was in high school I was overweight, depressed, and a B student. I would have been better off forced into a daily exercise program, which would then lead to receiving a college scholarship.

9) Not being supportive:

The absolute best thing anyone can do for another human being is to support them. Where do you think calling a male friend “bra” comes from? It’s from the support they give each other. Especially at a young age, you should let your kids know they can do anything. Society will beat them down enough over time where they will think more realistically the older they get and realize that Weekend Shift Manager isn’t as heartbreaking of a career choice as a few other things.

10) Forcing anything into their lives:

New beaus following a divorce, activities they don’t want to participate in, a religion they do not believe, or anything else within reason should not be forced onto anyone. Of course at a certain age your child may develop a fetish where being forced to do things they “dislike” is something they pay cash to a strange lady on the street for, but that’s unrelated to this and completely goes in another direction. Kids are smarter than we give them credit for. Encourage them to do something rather than nothing, just never force them into a situation where they are uncomfortable every moment of an extracurricular activity. My entire life is an uncomfortable moment. There will be plenty for your kids throughout their lives, don’t go adding to it.

Immaturity is running rampant. Like an ad for a 1950s horror film, citizens are dashing out from theaters everywhere to get away from it. Being immature is fine. I’ve been known to say a silly goose thing here and there. When immaturity becomes a problem in my life is when you say things a 13-year-old might say. What do 13 year olds complain about most? Their gross start of puberty bodies! After that though it’s their parents. How much they hate them. How unfair they are treated. Unfortunately some people take a while to outgrow this hatred. Some people need to read this post and take away from it to grow the fuck up.

It’s fine to hate your parents. Lots of parents are scummy. I don’t believe everyone is even meant to be a parent. Charlie Manson would never be a great dad. Yeah he got his little family he put together to do whatever he wanted, but that doesn’t make someone a good parent. In order to be a good parent you have to be as much friend as you are authority. You need to know when to talk about feelings and when to roll your eyes at your kid for being such a shit. It’s hard and anyone who can pull off not having kids who completely hate them deserve an award. May I suggest a mug declaring they are number one?

(Excuse me, but I don’t believe Sylvester was a father .What’s a cat who wants to eat a wise cracking bird have anything to do with fatherhood?)

I never much hated my parents. Sure, there were things they could have done better. My mom could have bought me a jet ski and my dad could have paid for me to have jet ski lessons with a topless model. I will never forgive them for letting me down. To be perfectly clear I have no problem when someone complains about another human being. I think it’s necessary. When it becomes constant and excessive is when I get annoyed. Especially when it’s people you can leave. I remember Louis CK once saying something about how if you are ever in a relationship and you’re not married with kids then you should just leave. He’s right. Things are going to get worse. It’s true with parents. If you’re out of high school, leave. It makes your life harder sure, but no longer will you have those bullies in your life who seem to be preventing you from moving on.

Most parents really do want the best for their kids. A lot struggled to show it for whatever their issue is. I always know somebody is irresponsible when they complain to me about how their parents won’t let them do something. Sometimes the irresponsibility comes from the child not being trustworthy. Other times it comes from the child not being adult enough to find a way to do whatever it is anyway. If your parents don’t let you drink it probably means you have a problem with alcohol. I don’t know. Maybe a few months ago you got alcoholic poisoning at a concert in New York City. If you nearly died from doing something I cannot blame your parents for making you limit yourself. I once almost died during a bank heist. My parents told me not to go anywhere near a bank anymore because they were afraid I might get shot at again. It was annoying, but they were right. I probably would have killed another clerk if given the chance.

(I was the one in the brown suit disguised as Gary Busey)

When I moved out it was because I had no other options. More kids need to be put in this situation. I guarantee if my childhood home was still owned under the family name I would still be there. I never would have had reason to leave. It was comforting. Secure. Like a mother’s womb. As much as you mama haters will never admit it, you feel this comfort too. That’s why you let your parents boss you around and you never do a thing about it. Didn’t everyone used to run away from home and start rock bands? I know some people ended up dead in the streets. Still, live a little and take a chance. If you die you won’t care anyway because you’ll be dead.

The way you behave around your parents can to a certain degree represent how you behave around other people in your life. I hate yellers. Anyone who yells at anybody really scares me. My dad used to yell. It was scary for the first 5 seconds then he would start to drool. This made the whole thing humorous. People who have shouting matches with their parents means they do not have something called reasoning. You can’t reason with your own parents? Learn about compromise. And if they won’t budge then work your whole life to say “fuck you” when you turn 18 and get the heck out of Dodge. Stop being a wimpy baby. I always knew I didn’t want to turn into my uncle (58 still living at home) so I saved every penny I could and made sure I could make it on my own. I know not everyone has a creepy uncle to help inspire them to grow-up and plan out their futures. What a strange purpose in life for him to have. All he was supposed to do was be weird and make me look at him and say “yeah, that’s not going to be me.” Maybe someday he’ll date someone who can legally drink.

(My uncle would date anyone in this high school picture. Maybe not the gay guy on the far left. You always know a guy is gay when he has a lot of female friends and when holding the Asian one is stuck on armpit duty)

Take away from this that you cannot blame your parents for everything in your life. Especially once you get to a certain age. When you’re unhappy change it. Nobody deserves to be around people they don’t want to be near. Turn your childish hatred into motivation to become something greater. Quit complaining about your mama and your papa. You’re not them. They don’t have as much control over you as it seems. Don’t make yourself a whiny slave. Sojourner Truth had a cruel master and you never heard her once bitch about how her owner won’t let her go to the Blink-182 concert dressed like a whore.

Donnie Darko is a film about a teenage boy who travels through time, I think. Nobody really knows what the movie is about. Just like how nobody really knows what BUDDHAKAT!!! means. A cat that has reached Nirvana? Seth Rogan is one of the bullies in Donnie Darko which you may not have known. He has only a few lines, one of which being “Lets get the fuck out of here.” It’s a movie that you either love or hate. Unless you’re me. I can’t decide whether or not I like it. The colors are pretty, the theme is dark, and I’m impressed that they got both Gyllenhalls to play siblings. It doesn’t take much for me to like a movie. Just put on two relatives and it doesn’t matter how little I get the plot. I will still enjoy your film.

The main theme of Donnie Darko is about string theory, I think. Shit. This movie is really confusing. Almost as confusing as string theory itself. For those scientifically retarded individuals reading this, string theory is basically the idea of being able to travel on different “strings” of time. It’s almost like you have multiple paths you can go down. You follow the string to meet your destiny. Honestly, I might be completely wrong as to what string theory really is. That’s what I gathered from flipping through a few pages of a book about it and reading the Wikipedia summary of Donnie Darko. Science isn’t my best subject. Home Economics has that distinction.

One string theory I do understand is the one about the piece of string I found in my parent’s bedroom when I was around 10 years old. I was playing with my sister (not like that you pervert!) and we found a piece of string. I don’t remember the color. All I do remember was that it was a short piece of string. Yarn perhaps.

(Warning: This is as cute as this post is going to get. The rest is very gross)

Being 10 years old, my mind assumes that all adults do when they’re in a bedroom together is have sex. I wanted to believe that my parents were in a happy and healthy relationship so I believed that every time they went into the bedroom it was their honeymoon all over again. That’s where my string theory came into play.

Using my lackluster knowledge of science, I concluded that the string I found beside the bed must be some sort of sexual device. For what exactly? How can one small piece of string possibly cause extreme sexual arousal? Well, here’s a list of things that I can think of that you could use string for to get off on.

(Nazi puppet on the right?)

Puppet Master: The string is tied around the penis in a loop with another strand free to tug on. It doesn’t matter what part it is tied to. All that matters is that the penis is fastened in tightly like it‘s about to go on some extreme sporting event. The partner (or wife, because gay sex is a sin) will pull on the string and make the penis wobble to and fro. This action will resemble a marionette puppet and if the kids were to walk in you can always put on a cute show until you can think of a better excuse.

(Native Americans rioting by burning sticks and figs)

Indian Burn: Place the string below the penis and pull each side of the string upwards. Pull the string back and forth (this will be an up motion) causing the penis to receive an Indian burn. The quicker, the better. This would only be suggested for those who are into inflicting or receiving pain. I know who you are! And I want your phone number.

(This was taken in 2003. He still hasn’t figured it out)

Chinese Finger Trap: Both partners tie an end of the string around their erect nipples while facing each other. Then you take a step backwards until it stretches your nipples even further, guaranteeing arousal. The act resembles that of a Chinese finger trip. The device created by the Chinese where the stereotype of them being sneaks came from. There’s no real escape from this. Unless you count escaping a life of sexual repression.

(You don’t know how hard it is to find an Indiana Jones photo)

Indiana Jones: The female partner lies down on her back, legs up in the air. The male partner (or female partner, lesbian sex isn’t a sin) takes the string and in a whipping fashion, whips the vagina of his female partner as hard as he can. Be sure to hit the clitoris. That’s where girls like to be touched. I’ve read that in Cosmopolitan and my sister’s diary.

(Did we really defeat Communism when this was in style?)

Rat Tail: The female in the relationship places the string into her vagina with only one little piece hanging out. This will look like the tail of a rat if done properly. The male’s job is to slowly pull the string it. This is a very rare yet satisfying sexual activity that has been handed down from incestuous family to incestuous family. Also, do not pull too quickly. It could be hazardous.

That’s where my 10-year-old mind was at. I really believed that my parents could do such horrible activities to each other while I tried sleeping on the other side of the wall.

To this day string still freaks me out a little bit. I wonder where it has been and why it smells like balls. I can’t wear hoodies with the strings in them and always have to cut the strings on the blinds off whenever I enter a room. I can’t eat string cheese. Stringer Bell from The Wire made me feel uncomfortable. It doesn’t matter what form the string is in. Thin. Thick. Long. Short. All string reminds me of is my parents being passionate. It makes me almost want to hang myself, but a noose reminds me too much of string.