Posts Tagged ‘path train’

This is me writing everything that happened on my train ride home from work yesterday.

I’m writing this with the ultimate train creep inches away from me. I’d guess at our closest point, which may actually be our dicks, that only two feet of putrid train air separates us.

Creep_movie_poster
I stepped away for a moment to give us some room while he reads a book with Arab writing in it or possibly the book at one point got wet and the letters began to run. Is there really a difference?

A black man with a small frame and a child’s face stepped between us. Maybe it is a kid. It’s his suit throwing me off. I catch a glance at his phone. He’s playing Tetris. For how crowded this train gets, I’m guessing its practice for before we transfer.

The creep continues to read. I see him a lot on the train. Like me, he hides in the corner. If I believed in a Middle Eastern God and had dead eyes like him I swear we could be best friends.

Sometimes we make eye contact on the train. It’s very uncomfortable too. He never looks away. I have never seen him with a book before today. Could this be a new learned skill of his?

My stomach doesn’t hurt even though I have consumed about 7 small sandwiches only about 2-3 hours earlier. I have also drank nothing but coffee. Yes I’m sweating but I thought it was because I’m wearing so many layers and according to my body mass index, I am severely overweight at 175 pounds.

The creep is watching the Tetris game that the black kid/man is playing. He got bored and looked away and back to his awful non-English book. Now the black guy is looking at the book wondering what game it is.

An older black man is near us too. He has huge pants. I think it’s MC Hammer. I should befriend someone, shout “I love you MC Hammer”, and then ask my new friend of he looked. Fuck he got off at Newport.

Why is everyone so fat? A fat guy in a red shirt just got on the train. He’s not offensively huge. He’s fat where you’d expect him to joke about it with friends. I don’t think he has any. I can hear his iPod and the music sucks. Nobody wants a friend with bad taste in music.

I can only see one woman on this train. I thought there were two but one was an adult Asian man.

The creep me be getting off. Nope. But the black guy did. He had to say “excuse me” twice to the fat guy in red. So polite of him to admit to farting not once but twice. I am glad he waited until he was ready to exit.

For a second it felt like my wallet was missing. It’s there. My ass is just too flat to fill out these pants.

Fuck a baby is crying. My transfer is almost here. I have internet service again so I’m going to keep uploading my Facebook page and see nothing new.

I recently got a new job. Technically this was the second job I have ever gotten, the first where nepotism was in no way involved. In fact, I didn’t know anywhere there. I didn’t even know the name of the company when I got a phone call about coming in. Without getting too into detail about the job so you can’t hunt me down and have sex with me at work, I get to sit at a desk while petting dogs all day. How great is that? I have other duties too like posting cute animal pictures on Facebook and running the business aspect of the business. I am very modest, but I can in all honesty say if I were to decide to just leave this business that it would fall apart. Admittedly, the power makes me much more obnoxious around others.

The new job requires me to wake up early, walk a lot, and commute on the train to get there. The train is unfortunately too ass-to-ass crowded that I can’t really do much except sniff other people’s armpits. Worse yet, my phone loses service halfway through the trip once we go underground. I’m left with doing the one thing I can do on my phone, making notes.

Each opportunity I get to make these clever notes I plan to make lists. One day while traveling I made a list of lists to make. The first list I made was possible punk rock band names. The real key to a good punk rock band name is to be offensive, in your face, and a little bit ironic. Looking off my phone, here is the list of possible names for my non-existent band. The majority of these were just the most offensive things I could think of without being openly vicious, or sometimes I forgot how to filter myself.

paramore(I’m using this picture in hopes it will annoy at least one person because they will think I consider Paramore a punk band)

-The Young Career Women

-The 9/11 Hijackers

-Remind the Teacher About the Homework

-The Flatchested Hooters Waitresses

-Europeans Traveling Abroad

-Fans of Michael Vick

-That Guy Who Doesn’t Call You Back

-Your Funny Fat Friend

-Adam Sandler Movies

-Pack of 20-Year-Old Italians

-The Newton Shooting Cover-Up

-The Columbine Class of ’99 Orchestra

-DMV

-The Confident Fat Guys in Drag

-Pre-Op Tranny

-Sibling Sexual Tension

-Willem Dafoe’s Face

-Uterus Cyst

-George Zimmerman Hero Fund

-Fox News

-Jesus Christ Wasn’t Real

-Untitled Madea Movie

-Chimney Dildos

-Adam Walsh Head of Lettuce

-Sex in Marriage

-Hysterectomy Repeats Itself

-Betting Pete Rose’s Life

-The John Lennon Bulletproof Foreheads

-Smashmouth Coverband

-Mustache Food

-The Sandusky Kids

-My Big Fat Greek Foreskin

-Drunk Driving Accident with the Prom Queen

-Cigarettes for Your Health

-Kony

-Public Bowel Movement

-Semi-Faked Orgasm

-Friend Zone 4 Life

-Bruised Testicles

-The Black Son-in-Laws

-Abe Lincoln Poo

-Felching for More

What would your incredibly offensive/grotesque/never able to join the mainstream because of its name punk rock band go by?